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Anyone ever walked away from a happy relationship when dsc contact went from eow to fulltime?

(115 Posts)
gingermopped Tue 26-Aug-14 22:37:43

anyone?
dsd has been saying for ages she wants to live here, tonight the call came.

MulberryWillow Tue 26-Aug-14 23:43:23

Hugs, how is your relationship with you DSD? I know i would struggle.

gingermopped Wed 27-Aug-14 00:28:59

its was ok up till few months ago.
I nievely thought we got on, then she made accusations I bully her.
it went really bad for a time, although truth came out dp didnt wanna upset poor dsd so I was made the scapegoat.

i was so hurt and now iv lost all trust in her and just feel indifferent towatds her.
dp got the call and had collected her within 20mins.
hes very much disney dad, they live up each others backsides.
her mums saying ur welcome to her and good luck , shes a very mature 12yo
im 6 months pregnant , my hormones r all over the place so maybe ill b in a better mindset tomoz
sad

gingermopped Wed 27-Aug-14 00:34:12

and ty for hug smile

halestone Wed 27-Aug-14 01:14:23

I honestly can't imagine how you are feeling, all I can suggest is that you take each day as it comes. I think your Dp and you should have a serious conversation about what you expect from each other and DSD.

Good luckthanks thanks

I honestly think i would, given how my SC are sad
But give it a few days, you're going to be all up in the air at the moment...
IMO pretty bad form for just collecting her and not trying to sort the problem out, this is going to mean she feels able to flit from one to the other when one parent 'displeases' her.
Been there with SS, and wasn't happy that the moving in wasn't at least discussed with me first.

Good luck and yy to pp who said take it one step at a time, but fgs lay ground rules for behaviour expected, and house rules, immediately.

Anormalfamily Wed 27-Aug-14 06:31:17

Hi ginger, first of all look after yourself. Nobody is going to do it for you. Secondly look after your bump. Again, this will pretty much be up to you.
Thirdly agree with pps who say to put boundaries in place immediately.
Apart from house rules, make sure you have adult time as a couple in the late evening/ before going to bed. I'm sure dsd has an own bedroom to go to. This will ease the tension should dsd hog the couch with dad during the day.
Make sure dh is the one to enforce any rules, even if it kills him.
I made many mistakes when I got together with then dp, now dh. I thought the nicer and more accommodating I was the more he'd love me, the more dsc would like and respect me. Didn't happen. My dsd was also a "mature" 12 year old at the time we met, now at 17 we hardly see her. Why? Dh didn't want to parent her, and she has enough friends...
My dss came to live 50:50 with us a yr ago at 12 too. He's a lovely boy, but a part of me feels he didn't make the move to be a part of our family, but to remind dh that he, dss, must always come first, regardless.
Good luck flowers

shey03 Wed 27-Aug-14 09:12:53

For me sadly yes. However, it can work. smile Sending you big hugs though because your situation is fraught with challenges from the start. You're gonna need peace in the house to keep nurturing your relationship and your little bump (and you), so what needs to happen is dad has to lay down groundrules, expectations of behaviour and firm CONSEQUENCES. As any normal family would do with one of their own. Dsd is a child and must be treated as one, she's not an equal to you or your dp and there must be rules and a routine bedtime.

Gettingmeback Wed 27-Aug-14 09:26:50

We have 50/50. My DH and I have discussed full time, only due to me bringing it up as DSD mother doesn't seem to want her. I have told DH I understand if it comes down to it and he needs to do full time there's no question, but that I can't do it. Which will mean the end for us. We have no DC together which will obviously make your decision even harder. You have to do what will ultimately make you happy so you can be the best mum to your new bub.

Fragglewump Wed 27-Aug-14 09:31:48

We have recently discussed this and for me I would walk. Too hard and too fraught and just too bloody complicated and unrewarding. Crap isn't it. That's after 9 years together.

how2cope Wed 27-Aug-14 10:48:22

Oh ginger, I feel so sorry for you that you are facing this. I have no helpful advice at all, I know if this happened to me, I would not react well. Would I walk? Quite possibly, but I think for you, your beautiful bump and your DP (who obviously loves you) you should probably try it for a while and see how it goes before making a decision on it.

To be honest, DP will have to drop the Disney nonsense when his DD is there fulltime, he'll see that it gets him nowhere, add another small bundle into the mix in 3 months time and he's going to have to become a *parent* (not a best buddy as Disney Dads, well the one in my life, often are!) shock / horror.

Good luck, try to stay calm and speak to your DP about how this has to work for all concerned.... Sending you a massive hug X

mosaicone Wed 27-Aug-14 11:14:14

Its a very real possibility for us and the realisation came just after DP moved in... we've made a beautiful hang out room for all kids/bedroom for his kids - it works so well. Part time. If they were here ft I just dont know.
Its thanks to their mum's recreational habits - but my god, I dont know if I could do it. Having said that, I would try everything within me to make it work and wouldnt walk away until I knew I couldnt do any more. I adore DP and I love his kids as much as I can with them not being my own - I would definitely try - it must be able to work xx
I have 3 children, he has 2.

mosaicone Wed 27-Aug-14 11:14:45

ps yes insistence on the disney stuff stopping immediately - good example for your new bundle from the off etc - good luck x

gingermopped Wed 27-Aug-14 12:17:44

its so hard to get anyone to understand from my point of veiw.
I hav 4 children, because he took them on I should not have a problem taking on his.

he has 2 dc's dss 8, we r not close but hav a kinda mutual respect/friendship,; hes a lovely kid who is so used to being sidelined so dad can spend 90% of his time with dsd that he never complains, is used to it.

due to nature of dp's job he usually goes 2 weeks without seeing my dc, usually 4 days a months hes home with us around them, he does no parenting towards them, is not responsible financially.

with dsd here I will basically b in full care of his daughter as I do mine.
only difference is she would b allowed to stay up very late week days to spend time with him (we r talking 9/10/11 at nite) thus me and dp then loosing our time plus me not getting that peace and quite of an evening I enjoy and feel I deserve.

dsd doesnt leave dp alone wen here, if hes sat she is on his lap, he goes to loo she waits outside, I talk to dp or show any affection stands directly behind staring waiting for me to move and then as soon as I do shes all over him, the brush my hair daddy, I want back itch, hold my hand, its just too much.

iv already decided if she wants to stay permenantly I will ask them to leave (its my house)
id rather be a single parent to this baby than live with that.

thank you all so much for ur posts x

gingermopped Wed 27-Aug-14 12:21:36

also iv been in hos with a bleed since wknd, I got out yesterday, low lying placenta, hes not yet today asked anything of how iam/baby is, says it all realy sad

mosaicone Wed 27-Aug-14 12:25:45

It is so not difficult to see from your point!!!
I do not do the parenting of my sc and IF it ever came to the point they lived here, I would not be responsible for them FT. ie I work in a school so that I can be at home in the holidays with my ds (8). If they were to live here, I wouldnt then look after 3 children FT. I would expect DP to send them to their mother during the day. I wouldnt mind one day a week etc, but we would be making very very very clear ground rules from the off, I am not a mum of 5. I am a mum of 3 (2 older dcs) and one small one. I am a step parent to 2, but I do not parent them, much as my DP who does live with us, does not parent mine - it really works for us and we wont be changing it!
My dsds both hang off their dad. When they are with their mum I see them out and about on their bikes and with friends, when with him they wont leave his side. I hate the on his lap thing (13 and 10!)

I completely understand fwiw X

mosaicone Wed 27-Aug-14 12:26:51

Massive hugs, hope you and baby are ok. I had a bad bleed when I had ds 1, hes nearly 15 now :D xxx Look after yourself number 1 xx

DaisyFlowerChain Wed 27-Aug-14 14:08:50

It's better for the child for the adult to leave if they are going to be resented. It's not their fault and they can't change anything.

I do think it's quite awful for you to have expected he live with your children but you are not prepared to do the same. That's quite selfish. Imagine how he will feel.

Sunna Wed 27-Aug-14 14:29:25

I would agree with Daisy, except you say he's hardly ever there.

It isn't your job to bring up his daughter. That's the job of a parent. Either he changes jobs so he can look after her himself or she stays with her mum.

I think you need to tell him she can't stay when it's just you. That's not fair.

DaisyFlowerChain Wed 27-Aug-14 14:47:54

Quite sad for the new baby though. When the child is older and asks why daddy doesn't live with him it's going to sound very selfish.

Step parents can get a bashing on here, the odd few are lovely but most just seem to resent hype children despite knowing of their existence from the start.

What's one more child to the mix when you already close to five anyway? You say he is not financially responsible for the household so obviously manage to work and parent like lots do so why the big objection? Why are your children more important than his?

catsmother Wed 27-Aug-14 14:53:48

Actually Daisy on reading the info provided in this thread, many people would think it "quite awful" that within 20 minutes of the OP's DP "getting the call" he'd set off to fetch his daughter. I'm gobsmacked that he did that without much of, (or any) conversation with his pregnant partner regarding such a momentous change to their household. Even with the most co-operative and willing stepparent who's completely open minded about such a proposition I simply cannot believe that just 20 minutes would have been sufficient time to properly discuss the impact, the rules, the boundaries, the practicalities, the logistics, the finances, the feelings of all concerned etc etc etc before she was brought back to the house .... and only a naiive fool would think that was a good start to a new chapter in the whole family's life.

This is not as simple as a "tit for tat" transaction where, because, one party willingly lives with the other's children, all things become equal. The DP here presumably chose to move into OP's house of his own accord and without a metaphorical gun held at his head. I expect he did so not as some act of charity ("expected to live with your children" indeed) but because he wanted to move his relationship with OP on a step and felt confident he could live contentedly with her children. If he had any misgivings about her children I don't suppose he'd have moved in at all.

On the other hand, the OP has explained that his child made serious accusations against her - who'd feel happy at the prospect of sharing their home full time with such a child ? Furthermore, she's stated that although the truth eventually came to light she was made a "scapegoat" in this issue which implies that the child was never appropriately counselled and/or "punished" (as in having to face consequences for her actions). This would make all but a stone-hearted robot fearful about living with that child - you'd feel frightened in your own home in case similar lies arose again .... and that is especially pertinent in this case given that OP has had sole care of this child dumped upon her because her DP works away for extended periods, meaning that OP would be particularly vulnerable to accusations if she's with the SD on her own most of the time.

NO WAY - given the background - should OP have had this presented to her as a fait accompli. How dare you call her "selfish" Daisy ?!?!! ........ when her partner can't or won't address the very serious issue of false accusations, and whilst she doesn't expect him to do any practical or financial parenting for her children. Yet she is "expected" to parent his child, without any say in the matter, without any previous discussion and laying down of rigid boundaries (which would be absolutely essential in this case) !! There's only one "selfish" party in this relationship and it's not the OP.

Ginger ... I'm sorry you're now having to consider becoming a single parent again but can completely understand why you feel so unhappy and although it'll be hard, I'd prefer to be on my own than to effectively be forced to adopt a role I haven't been consulted about and where I couldn't trust my DP to co-parent in a consistent and fair manner. As you say his lack of enquiry about you and the baby must be very hurtful indeed - it's quite unbelievable.

And ignore Daisy .... if I'm thinking of the right person, this particular poster revels in shit stirring should anyone dare confess to being a stepparent who isn't in total thrall to their stepkid(s) regardless of what those kids are actually like.

gingermopped Wed 27-Aug-14 14:57:40

thats the point daisy, he doesnt live with my children so to speak, mon to fri he works 6am till up to 11pm, my children are always in bed as he comes and goes.
mine are at there dads eow the go from school fri and home mon wen I collect from school.
they go 2 weeks without seeing him.
I am basically a single parent to mine.
the wknd they are here so are his and he disapears of out with them.

as I said in first post I used to b close to dsd , that girl had a real soft spot in my heart, would hav done anything for her, she turnt on me.
I will add I wasnt the other woman, dp and his ex had split 2 yrs b4 we met.
me and dp been together 4 years.
shes left mums home because she doesnt like mums partner, I hav no sympathy there.
I was in his shoes the other month.

I appriciate ur comments ty x

gingermopped Wed 27-Aug-14 14:59:58

no need for any replies now, I was upset wen I posted last nite and am alot clearer now.
thanks for comments smile x

gingermopped Wed 27-Aug-14 15:10:32

catsmother thank you thanks

daisy pmsl yeah sod it just one more wont b noticed, iv got so many, whats chucking in another!

WakeyCakey45 Wed 27-Aug-14 16:01:06

When the child is older and asks why daddy doesn't live with him it's going to sound very selfish.

Goodness, do people really tell their DCs the gory details about why they have split with their DCs other parent?

Isn't "mummy and daddy didn't love each other anymore" sufficient?

Do people really expect the OP to say "daddy wanted DSD to live with us but he was out working all the time i didn't want the responsibility of looking after her all on my own"?

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