Disengaging

[Neechy]

I'm not technically a sm as I don't live with my partner and right now probably never will. His son is 8, rules the roost when he is at his Dad's house, has no manners, is spitefull to my daughter and generally causes an atmosphere when he's around as Disneyland Dad never disciplines him.
His behaviour rubs off my 7 year old so I try to point out to him and his Dad when unacceptable behaviour happens but it just makes me feel like a referee and a telltale.
How can I possibly disengage without my daughter thinking this behaviour is ok? She already gets carried away and copies him, which I try to nip in the bud, but it's not fair one kid sitting nicely while out for a meal when the other is bouncing off the walls and refusing to eat etc

[WakeyCakey45]

You cant disengage in that situation, but you can set boundaries.

It is perfectly reasonable to restrict your DDs contact with your DPs DS until he is parented by his Dad in a way you can compromise on. Yes, you'll see your DP less, but that is the price your DP pays for being an ineffective parent. It is the best way to show him you are serious and won't accept spiteful behaviour towards your DD.

Of course, whether your DP chooses to ditch the Disney ears, or is willing to risk your relationship, is up to him.

I think you're very sensible to recognise that living together would be fraught with disaster. You and your DP will need to reach a compromise on parenting styles and standards before that happens and I strongly suggest that you remain living separately until you are confident he is following through on any agreements you have made.

[Neechy]

Thanks, I've been reading this messageboard for a few weeks and every instinct is telling me to run to the hills now.
DP admitted today that he's beginning to dread weekends that he has his son as it is a constant battle to get him to behave even when myself and my DD aren't around, I was always under the impression he was acting up because he had to share his Dad.
On the whole we all bumble through quite well, but it is stressful as I find myself loitering listening in to the kids conversations and trying to monitor what's going on so that I know for sure if he's bullying my daughter, if not I'm worried she'll start playing the victim to land him in trouble anytime she gets annoyed at a trivial thing. It's such a mine field :(
I've never had much to do with 8 year old boys before, but this kid is wired differently to any of my daughter's 7 year old male classmates, "the boys will be boys" line gets trotted out by my DP a fair bit, but I honestly think his DS is just playing on the fact he thinks he's at DP's to get a holiday from the BM's rules as his Dad over compensates for not being a full time father.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Yes run. This will not end well for your daughter as she sees him being golden boy.

[WakeyCakey45]

DP admitted today that he's beginning to dread weekends that he has his son as it is a constant battle to get him to behave even when myself and my DD aren't around,

Potentially, that's a good sign - is it the motivation he needs to change things?

Maybe you could suggest attending some parenting classes or workshops together; my DH and I did that before we lived together, it helped initiate discussions between us about parenting values and approaches so we could back each other up.

[shey03]

Hi OP. I too struggle with dp's children/parenting style and we do not live together. Unfortunately most non-resident dad's exhibit this parenting style, permissive to say the least. The kids seem to be on a holiday from their normal lives, their normal standards of behaviour, it's so wrong and dad's live in fear of losing their kids... I am really starting to appreciate my lifestyle more than I had before and realise that I could not merge our families/homes as they are so different. His dc's behaviour is still deteriorating and where there is calm and peace amongst my dc and in my house, the complete opposite exists in my dp's house.

It's great if your dp realises that things must change and I'm totally with you that this is unfair on your dd. It's important to support your dp, as he does want to change, do you have weekends together without your dd? Also maybe you could get some parenting books and particularly books on step-parenting/after divorce, they really will help both of you.

For the time being whilst things are changing and behaviour being modified, things may get worse. Nowadays, I personally prefer to limit my time with my dc and dp's dc together as dp's dc behaviour is so poor and it is very hard on my dc to see myself and my dp (whom my children love dearly) treated so badly by them. The toxic black fog that descends when this behaviour starts is just I sometimes have to tolerate but it is not something I will tolerate in my dc's lives.

[Neechy]

He does want to change, but whether he has the balls to enforce it remains to be seen!
Shey - you have put into words exactly what is on my mind, "holiday from normal lives" "toxic black fog" etc I will limit the time together until I can see some improvement I think.
Wakey - you give great advice too, we live in the sticks though and there is not much in the way of parenting classes etc :(

I am looking at family mediation though as his ex is a nightmare to deal with - that is a whole other pail of worms :( A year ago she told her boy to misbehave so that me and his Dad would break up, he told my daughter to ignore us etc but my daughter wouldn't as she loves his Dad. His last relationship ended partly due to the kids not getting on too and that is why he wants to do something about it or he will be forever alone if they get their way...

[Neechy]

Nearly forgot, yes we do have weekends without my DD - his son barely grunts a hello at me and never makes eye contact so I usually leave them to it and enjoy "me" time instead.

[shey03]

That's good for your dd and also for you to disengage a bit and do your own thing, that may be the time to chat to your dp about things that could help or look at some books together, etc. Bounce some ideas around and bottom line is, the discipline and boundaries need to come from your dp and a good time to start is when your dd is not around.

Neecy you and I seem so similar and there's many more on Mumsnet which has been such a support for me. The grunting and ignoring and lack of eye contact for anything is a good day in my book sadly! The catalyst does seem to be the toxic ex, which is why part of me despairs. No amount of reasoning can change her, or alter her ways to benefit the dc, our only hope is to influence dp's dc for the better. It sometimes seems too big a task though and until we make progress with it, I'm going to keep my kids out of it as much as I can as they love us both and it is crushing for them too.