DP is an idiot.

(25 Posts)
needaholidaynow Sun 17-Aug-14 15:15:36

So to get straight to the point we're a bit skint this week after something unexpected came up. DP doesn't get paid until next week. We have about £50.00 to feed 5 of us until next Friday. I think it can be done.

DP has said he might see if dsd can go to his mums while we hardly have any money. He said this because we won't have any money for "treats and stuff" and she won't like having beans on toast if it comes to that.

Am I being unreasonable or has my DP gone about this in the completely wrong way? You can't just pack your kids off to grannie's when you're skint. You budget and spend your money sensibly!

Dsd is part of the family, so doesn't that mean like rest of us including the boys, she should have to take the rough with the smooth? He says she will be happier at his mums but that's only because she will get everything she wants and a much better standard of living for a few days while we all scrimp and scrape! Isn't this just not only doing more harm than good because its a back handed way of pushing her out of the family, but it is also making her out to be some sort of princess who should be shielded from the struggles that many families go through very often. Not to mention it being Disney parenting- "No money for treats" Well boo hoo!

Wouldn't it be "nice" to just pack your kids off to their grandparents when you don't have much money?

I agree with you, if times are tough they are tough for everyone. fair enough if you had no food in at all but that reads like you can all stay here and have whatever is in and deal with being short of money but she isnt doing. how unfair on everyone else in the house.

WakeyCakey45 Sun 17-Aug-14 15:48:26

Initially, I was fully in agreement with you - but thinking back, I may have been guilty of doing what your DP is proposing.

Winter before last, we were absolutely broke and couldn't afford to efficiently heat our (stupidly old, drafty) house. It was a very cold winter, for weeks at a time and We were wearing hats and gloves in bed just to keep warm. It was freezing - surveyors who came round at the time were horrified.

I swallowed my pride and asked DDs dad if she could spend a few extra days with him. I'm now wondering if that was the right thing to do blush

I would of done the same in your position wakey as heating is different and could make people ill/is actually uncomfortable to be cold that seems a sensible reason but just because she won't like the meals or get any treat stuff? then I wouldnt.

PrimalLass Sun 17-Aug-14 16:29:32

If he is worried about 'depriving' your SD he should be worried about 'depriving' your DSs too.

needaholidaynow Sun 17-Aug-14 16:30:21

Wakey That is slightly different though because you couldn't afford to heat your home and also you asked your DD's dad to have her, who is also her parent. If you can't have her because of something like that and her dad can, then he should have her. Grandparents in situations like that yes if they can.

We have money on the gas meter but we just can't afford to put the heating on willy nilly. It's still liveable though because it isn't winter and isn't freezing.

I suppose my point is that when you are struggling, you can't just send one child off to their grandparents so they don't have to put up with any inconveniences at home and not the other children. DP was going on about treats and crappy teas that dsd won't like rather than her getting ill from the cold and starving. She will still be alive at the end of the week if she doesn't have luxuries. She might have to use a blanket in the mornings rather than ask me to put the heating on, but that again is just a possible "inconvenience" to her rather than her suffering. We will all have to do it so lets all just suck it up.

needaholidaynow Sun 17-Aug-14 16:36:32

Again if it was winter I don't know what we would do. If we sent dsd away because it was freezing I would be feeling bad on the boys then having to stay and having to put up with it. I think in my own case I would do what I did last year and ask my family if I could lend some money, but I know that isn't possible for everyone to do. That's a tough one. But just for DP's reasons today I didn't agree with him at all.

catsmother Sun 17-Aug-14 17:09:09

I totally agree - either she's a member of the family or she's not. And your DP would no doubt be appalled if you suggested she wasn't.

That should mean taking the rough with the smooth. Why is one child considered so bloody precious that she can't possibly share the same meals as everyone else ? It's not that anyone's going to starve is it - more a question of no unnecessary treats, and (wow) a whole week (not a lifetime) of perfectly acceptable food (the sort which is run of the mill for many families anyway) like spag bol, jacket potatoes & cheesy beans, homemade soup maybe, egg and chips, cheap chicken bulked out with lots of cheap veg and so on. It's not an emergency situation and nothing like the sort of heating scenario Wakey described.

I'd feel a bit more sympathetic if your DP was also asking what could be "done" for the other children as well. It'd still be over the top and ridiculous IMO but at least he wouldn't be differentiating between them. I actually think his attitude is pretty disgraceful TBH, and in your shoes I'd feel very hurt he showed such unnecessary "concern" for SD but not for your kids. Not that there's anything to be concerned about in the true sense of the word anyway!

I sympathise with you ..... money's tight here too, but don't put yourself down and use language like "crappy tea" because for a week meals should be do-able and fine, just maybe a little boring and repetitive. To send SD away also reinforces that she's "extra special" if she got wind of why (in her dad's opinion) she's going to her nan's - which is hardly conducive to family harmony is it. He needs a rocket up his bum.

needaholidaynow Sun 17-Aug-14 17:16:46

catsmother You said it all better than me smile

I think I've created that problem here catsmother. dp usually cooks and we have just found out that his income is going to reduce pretty largely and the kids are so used to (ds and ss and sd) having things they choose that they will see the new changes as a punishment when they aren't they are just what needs to be done financially. sorry hijacked thread a bit there just wanted to say I knew where you coming from pegging stuff as "crappy teas because we have too" has made everyone hate every meal that goes out before they have even sat down

do you think sd will stay? or will dp insist

needaholidaynow Sun 17-Aug-14 17:21:57

I think Dsd will end up staying because his mum is working anyway. If she wasn't then I think he would have gone ahead.

hope the week goes okay, it is grim being short of money but I definitely don't agree that one person should dip out of it just because it won't be as fun/treat based

MrsCakesPrecognition Sun 17-Aug-14 17:33:54

Surely best outcome would be to ask granny to take/feed all 3 children for 1 day - so that your £50 stretches a little further - rather than one child for 3 days?

catsmother Sun 17-Aug-14 17:34:36

I really hope your kids don't see your change in circumstances as some sort of punishment Supermario (don't know how old they are?) because it's just life isn't it .... and there are loads of families whose eating habits have changed considerably in the last few years due to rocketing food prices and stagnant wages. I know we used to eat a lot "better" in as much that we ate a greater variety of stuff because I could afford to experiment more and chop and change meals on a whim. Now, my food shopping and cooking involves a lot more planning - rather than just going into a shop and picking what I fancy - and it's all a lot more time consuming, and frustrating for that reason because the extra work falls on me as DP can't cook (okay, I think following simple recipes isn't that hard, but he'd be incapable of using his imagination on a budget). However, I don't think we eat that badly (at least we don't yet) just differently .... and by trying to always remember to check "bargain corner" in the supermarket, and buying treats in Poundland or Home Bargains etc it's not all "crappy". There's quite a few threads on here about cooking on a budget with some really nice suggestions that are tasty and cheap. Also a lot of home baking is fairly cheap and easy to do - like fairy cakes, flapjacks (which can be jazzed up with nuts, sultanas, choc chips whatever), shortbread and so on which not only provide treats but most kids (depending on age) like to help with.

And at the end of the day, as chief cook if any of my family whinged and moaned about what they were served they'd get very short shrift. I'd love to have any sort of meal served up to me on a regular basis - being cooked for is a treat in itself though I appreciate most kids probably don't "get" that. No harm in telling them though!

purpleroses Sun 17-Aug-14 17:38:51

Are the grandparents your DS's grandparents too? If so I can't see why DSD should go to them and not the boys.

Might be nicer to ask if the grandparents could take all the DC out for the day, rather than pack just one off for a week. Your DP should be able to think of some fun things to do with DSD that don't cost lots of money.

needaholidaynow Sun 17-Aug-14 17:42:30

Sorry I hope I haven't upset anyone by saying "crappy food", it was just the way DP's tone was coming across to me when he was talking about what food we'll have to eat this week. Even beans on toast isn't crappy. It's food and its filling, so again when DP says dsd won't like to eat it if we have to make it, it's still food going in her tummy. Add a sausage to it or something and there you go, it just jazzes it up a bit. smile

needaholidaynow Sun 17-Aug-14 17:47:21

purpleroses Yeah she's their nan too. But she won't have them ever because they're too little. Dsd is 8 and an easy age to look after.

Petal02 Sun 17-Aug-14 18:11:55

Totally agree with Catsmother

catsmother Sun 17-Aug-14 18:40:06

Needa you certainly haven't upset me. It was more I felt you were putting yourself down unnecessarily! smile Shame on your DP for describing eating on a budget that way though .... maybe if you were eating literally nothing except lentils he might have a point but really he has nothing to complain about and definitely not on behalf on an 8 year old child.

purpleroses Sun 17-Aug-14 18:43:29

My DC would be very

purpleroses Sun 17-Aug-14 18:44:02

Ahrgh - phone posting on it's own today...
My

purpleroses Sun 17-Aug-14 18:46:05

Try again.... My DC would be very happy if I fed them beans on toast or jacket potatoes all week. I don't think most kids mind cheap food.

EverythingCounts Sun 17-Aug-14 19:42:14

Even if his mum can't cope with them all day, surely she could have all three for tea one day to help out? I know my mum, who can't cope with a lively DS for too long, would offer to provide tea.

caramelwaffle Mon 18-Aug-14 11:26:38

Purpleroses

The further along I get in my parenting/Auntying/Childsitting <some words may be totally made up... the more I am inclined to agree with you: the amount of money - or time - I have wasted on "branded" restaurants (when they really wanted the less expensive McDonalds) or fancy meals (when they have actually shouted with glee if I finally offer porridge, jacket potatoes or homemade pizza) makes me shed a self indulgent tear.

I agree with you need by the way. Totally.

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