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Step-parenting

Staying at grand parents....

9 replies

sg2015 · 15/08/2014 09:06

Hi all,
Not sure if this is the right section or not. We have dss (he is 9) full time and he doesn't see his real mum. Like every other child he stays over at his Nan's of a weekend maybe 3 times a month to give us a break and him a break (we are currently going through the motions of getting an ADHD diagnosis) however, the last 6 months or so every time he comes back from there he is very spiteful and quite rude to everyone. Constantly arguing back, silly answers, doing anything he can for attention. After a chat he says he's doing these naughty things so he can try and make us make him go and live with his nan!
Whilst I know Nan's house for most kids is a treat and they eat drink do whatever they want and at home we have boundaries, rules etc but his behaviour for this meaning is so frustrating and upsetting for me and his dad..... Just don't know what to do :( maybe it's the pressure of amusing 3 boys in the holidays as well as working 3 nights a week! Rant over :)

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Elizabeth120914 · 15/08/2014 11:03

We had something a bit similar a while back with dsd. She was refusing to come here because she was bored due to bad behaviour we were doing cheap family activities not expensive days out..

She still wanted to go to MILs because she gets endless things bought for her and treats.. We asked MIL to tone it down a bit it to no avail.. Not sure what the answer is but Dsds favourites to change like the wind so we are just waiting it out!

MIL says her house wants her to come so will buy her if that's what she wants so it's a tough one.. ! Maybe let him stay a bit longer if she doesn't mind it might be a bit different then!

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Chasingsquirrels · 16/08/2014 09:02

My mum says when I was a child I was horrible after staying at my grandparents, despite me wanting to go and loving being there. I guess it's just an internal emotional reaction that I certainly couldn't begin to explain.

My own kids stay with my parents occasionally, they all love it and would probably like to stay more - but 3 weekends a month does sound like a lot, are the other 2 kids with them as well or does just DSS go?

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MrsCampbellBlack · 16/08/2014 09:06

Mil calls this 'grannyitis' - my children are often tricksy after being at grandparents, mostly because they go on their own and get masses of individual attention and its all about them. Where as at home, they have siblings and so they have to share, take turns and all that boring crap Wink

But, my children only stay about once a year so its fine - your DSS is staying there a lot - does he feel a bit unsettled perhaps? And yes, do his siblings also stay there?

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TheMumsRush · 16/08/2014 10:45

Like every other child he stays 3 weekends out of four! That's a lot, I wouldn't say that's like every other child. Nothing wrong with that though

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sg2015 · 16/08/2014 17:13

He only stays for 1 night say a Friday night and comes home Saturday afternoon, and yes my 4 year old does occasionally too. 2 year old hasn't yet... It used to be once a week during school times as he doesn't like too much noise and too much going on around him so we tried it to see if it would settle him at school as 2 younger brothers who are rather boisterous can be a lot to handle! She has gone away for 2 weeks now but she's said when she gets back she'll have him over. Maybe we'll limit one night away once a month! :)

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purpleroses · 17/08/2014 07:17

I think a lot of single parents get similar things from their children after they've been to stay with their dad for a weekend. They play up, and day they'd rather live there, etc. I think it's possibly testing boundaries, finding out whether he might perhaps be sent to live there, whether you really want him with you etc.

Did he used to live with his mum and come to visit his dad in a similar manner - and then at some point change to living with you two? If so you could imagine why he might worry the same would happen, that it'll change again and he'll go to live with grandparents.

I think it is often just a phase though. Both my DC have been through phases of saying they wanted to live with their dad, but they didn't last long. Try not to be hurt by it. I don't think it means he's unhappy with you.

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fedupbutfine · 17/08/2014 10:22

I think a lot of single parents get similar things from their children after they've been to stay with their dad for a weekend. They play up, and day they'd rather live there, etc

surely this is a separated parenting issue and not the domain of single parents? if children return from a grandparent's home or their other parent's home with a level of attitude, why must their other parent be single? the OP isn't single?

I know I am splitting hairs but it drives me mad that single parents are continually spoken of as having 'problematic' children...

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purpleroses · 17/08/2014 12:36

shorthand really.

I don't think these kind of problems encountered by the OP or resident/single parents mean that they have "problematic children" any more than, say, a child who's just started school and gets tired and emotional in the afternoons is problematic.

I was a single parent for many years and still face many of the same issues of parenting across two households, even though I now live with a partner.

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purpleroses · 17/08/2014 12:39

Sorry phone deleted first half of that post. Meant to say no offence meant - the OP faces an issue often encountered by resident parent , though most of them will have been single parents at some point even if not currently.

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