DSD is unhappy, what can we do to help?

[Bakersbum]

So, we seem to have an unhappy DSD on our hands and not entirely sure what to do about it; its really troubling me, DP is a bit more laid back about it but I am having trouble sleeping The last thing I want is this little girl to end up messed up because her family didnt do a good enough job.

Back story, DP had been separated from his ex a few years before I came along, we had DS who is now 3 and I have always got on fine with my two DSDs (now nearly 12 and 9). We have them for 24 hours every weekend, plus longer breaks and holidays. They have always adored DS, but lately he seems to have become the younger DSDs focus for her unhappiness.

I have tried desperately to look at the situation objectively and not be PFB about it (perhaps I am, I dont really know anymore), but she now tries to get him in trouble all the time and is often the one to set the tantrum up, if you know what I mean For months I have just put it down to normal sibling behaviour or her age, winding each other up etc, but to be honest for the last few months I have begun to dread weekends as its suddenly become filled with conflict, arguments and DSs tears. It is getting worse and she is being quite mean to him, snatching off him and poking fun at him, he gets upset becomes naughty and then DP gets annoyed with him, not having seen the prelude to it all, then we end up arguing (away from the children).

I have realised that this is all probably down to unhappiness and DP has finally noticed what has been going on too, we realised she is perhaps jealous and is just trying to get attention, she has also recently reverted to calling DP dada and wanting to sit on his knee all the time, which just tells me she is very insecure and unhappy . The last few weekends we have made sure she has more 1-2-1 with DP and also with me and just generally we are getting more involved in the games/playing with them to try and avoid any conflicts. DP has asked her a little about it and she said she doesnt like it when DS asks her why daddy doesnt live with them. A very insensitive 3 year olds question, we have explained it in simple terms to him and most of the time he doesnt bring it up, but occasionally he will ask a question. That must be very hard for her to deal with and perhaps is what started all of this. Perhaps it is because she was a bit younger than DS now when DP left

What else should we be doing/saying? We want all 3 of them to feel happy, loved and secure and we dont seem to be doing a very good job at the moment.

Perhaps someone has a book recommendation for either DSD, me and DP or even DS?

Thanks and apologies for the long post, didnt want to drip feed!

[wheresthelight]

It's a difficult one to be honest. On one hand I inclined to say her dad needs to come down like a lead balloon om her behaviour as bullying a 3 year old is unacceptable but then the other part of me agrees that she is clearly struggling with everything.

So what would I do;

1 is more contact an option? Could you have them for a full weekend eow/more nights in the week?

2 would counselling help her and you all as a family

3 could dp talk to her mum about what her behaviour is like at home

4 have there been any high changes lately? School/home/activities that might be impacting?

Hope you sort it hun

[Bakersbum]

Thanks for replying and getting to the end, I didn't realise how long it was! In response :

1. We can't do during the week contact due to distance and working hours etc. It might work trying eow for a longer period, I shall suggest it.
   
2. It might be worth exploring, she obviously has lots going on under the surface.
   
3. He has spoken to her mum and she said she seems fine with her.
   
4. No other changes that we know about and her school report was outstanding.
   

Thanks, definitely food for thought. I feel terrible and really thought we were all doing so well, perhaps a bit naive.

[wheresthelight]

If it helps reassure you I think you are showing yourself to be a very caring stepmum! My step kids are silmilar age to yours (DSS 11 DSD 8.5) but dd is about to turn 1 and the situation you describe is my worst nightmare especially as the 3 of them dote on each other.

1 - definitely look at increasing contact if it is possible and ensure that there is some time where she gets 121 with dad. The weeks and distance make it difficult but if eow for a full weekend and the alternate one having her for the 24 hours still may help - even if only as a short term option.
2 - I would definitely speak to a gp or your health visitor for your ds and see what family counselling is available, alternatively do some online research into it and see if you can implement some techniques at home yourself
3 - I would be very surprised if her mum is telling the truth! My DSD is forever wetting herself because she gets caught up in what she is doing and forgets to go. Mum says it never happens at home, DSD refuses to tell us when she has had an accident becuase she is scared she will get the same response as she gets from her mum ie shouting and told off. She hasn't quite learnt that she is more likely to get told off for lying and hiding it!
4 - school reports are principally about academics normally rather than changes in her friendship groups ime.

What is your relationship like with her? Could you take her out somewhere nice just the two of you and see if you can get her to open up a bit? Maybe, you could 'confide' in her that DS is a pain in the butt sometimes and you understand why she lashes out but that she has to remember that he is still just a very little boy and he can't help himself where as her being such a big girl can control how she reacts and that big girls walk away and tell an adult when someone is annoying them rather than being mean to them?

[Bakersbum]

Yes we have started to make sure that happens now every weekend, just very mindful not to leave the eldest dsd out. We probably should have instigated it sooner, hope we can claw things back for everyone's sake.

[wheresthelight]

DP needs to learn to say 'No, its DSD1/2/DS turn now' - it will cause the most monumental rows and tantrums until she readjusts, but the key is he absolutely has to be consistent.

My DSS is similar, he is like a limpet to his Dad and will force his way between DSD and DP to sit next to his Dad and it drives me nuts. My MIL (when she was still alive) and I had endless discussions about it and agreed that we both needed to intervene to distract DSS in order that DSD got time with her Dad.

Maybe so that DSD1 gets time with Dad you could take DS and DSD2 to the park/for a walk while they have some time together?

[Bakersbum]

wheresthelight we have always had a good relationship, but I have found the last few months very hard work to be honest. I do need to work harder with her and want to, I realise I need to do my part to improve things.

You have made some good suggestions thanks, I will research techniques online and try and get in her head a bit more. We're all going away for long weekend's for the next two, so plenty of time to instigate this.

Hopefully with more work all round, we can all get the closeness back and make her happier.

[wheresthelight]

Its really hard when your own child is being hurt by the actions of your DP's kid/s. Its what makes being a step parent with half siblings so bloody hard!

I don't think its about working harder, but working smarter. Try and pre-empt the behaviour and distract before it happens. Don't be afraid to be cross with her. It's a catch 22 situation unfortunately. If you don't tell her off there is a risk she will think you don't give a toss and if you do then you risk being the evil step mum. I find that being honest is always the best policy. Tell her firmly that her behaviour is unacceptable. You will not have her deliberately harming ^her brother. Her brother is still a baby and cannot defend himself like she can. She^ is a big girl and you expect better of her. If you emphasise the fact he is HER brother rather than your DS she will start to feel more connection to him and realise that it isn't his fault that she is upset.

Just a thought - but can you get DS to maybe draw her some pics to show he has missed her in the week??

Do you have skype/facetime for contact in the week?

[Bakersbum]

Will get the crayons out tomorrow! We very much promote the brother/sister thing, which I suppose is why it hurts when she upsets him. Facetime in the week is a great idea and definitely doable.

Its difficult I guess as naturally I stick up for ds and feel his hurt and confusion, whilst dp misses alot of it and comes down heavy on ds, when I have seen he is just reacting to her. Dp gets defensive which results in bad feeling between us. He is getting better at noticing and has told me to tell him when it's happening, but I don't want to be constantly picking her up on things either.

The distract technique is probably a better idea,try to avoid it altogether.

[wheresthelight]

ohh i hear you on the blinkers being on for Daddy! My Dp and i have had endless rows over the last year related to DSS treating me like dirt. I would tell him that i deserve and expect to be respected in my house and that means that if i ask DSS a question I damn well expect him to answer me and not stare blankly at me because I am not his dad. He reckoned I was being over sensitive etc. It took him seeing the full thing for himself before he realised that i was actually down playing the issues.

There is a fine line, and once your patience is tried unfortunately I find that you tend to put up with less shit each time and your fuse gets progressively shorter.

It is virtually impossible, but try to treat each visit as a completely new day and try not to hold her past behaviour against her. I know from personal experience that that is the hardest think in the world!

She is at an age where she is going to start noticing that she is different to DS and that will be hard for her to adjust to. Does she have her own room at your house? Own toys/clothes/books?

[Bakersbum]

You're right I need to try and let go of past behaviour and go in to each weekend fresh, instead of dreading it, that isn't fair on anyone.

Dsd's share a room here, I got a sign made for their door to sort of claim their space as their own. We buy clothes but they take them with them, as they want to wear them at other times.a few toys but same scenario really, they tend to bring them with them.

I feel better recognising what is going on more, instead of just pretending all is fine and now having a plan of action. Hopefully we can make this mixed up little girl happy again.

[wheresthelight]

It won't be easy but it might be worth practising saying 'No that lives here, if you take it home you won't have it to play with/wear next time you are here' - I found some of the issues with DSD eased once she felt more 'at home' here as she had her own clothes and toys here - Christmas and Birthdays help as a lot of things that come from both our families come with the comment of not being sent to their mums house.

If they have their own room, could you use a bit of bribery...assuming it has 4 walls, could she pick a colour to paint 2 and her sister choose the other 2 so that she has her own corner that she is responsible for and has had control over? DSS has his own room here (box) and DSD and DD share, DSS was made to live with a pink room (colour when we moved in) for about 4 months because his behaviour was so disgusting. Only when it improved did he get it decorated in Sonic Blue. Both kids got to choose their own bedding too so it felt like home, so DSD has My Little Pony and DSS has Angry Birds Star Wars. They also picked out their own character towels, have their own drawers in the bathroom, stuff in the shower etc Sounds daft but sometimes it is the REALLY little things that make all the difference

[ClashCityRocker]

It sounds like you've got everything in place and are coming at it from all the right angles.

It's rarely straight forward with a mix of step and bio children, and some children are not naturally good with toddlers regardless of relationship.

I know my DN used to absolutely terrorise his DSister when she was little - more for amsuement than any sort of real malice.

I second looking at every weekend fresh.

Don't let the fact that they don't live with you full time become the 'elephant in the room'. If DSD picks up that you or DH are uncomfortable with the questions your DS asks, it might make her feel even more so. Maybe you could ask her how she would explain it to a three year old (in a nice way).

Would it help her to write a story or draw a picture about how she is feeling?

[Bakersbum]

Thanks for talking it through with me, your suggestions and ideas are really helping. I actually feel excited about seeing her again now and putting the changes in place. Thank you!

[wheresthelight]

Aww Bakersbum that is lovely to hear!! Glad we could help!!

Clash the story idea is excellent (slaps head for not thinking of it)

Make sure you come back and let us know how things go hun!!

[Bakersbum]

Will do thanks. Good idea about getting her to explain to ds too, it will be really interesting to hear what she says. When she was younger she often used to wish we could all live together .