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Step-parenting

Advice - potentially moving away from dss

3 replies

Iwasliterallythere · 11/08/2014 10:11

Just looking for impartial advice on our situation

Dh and I have been together 4 years and have 2 girls who are 3 and 1, dh also has dss who is 12.

Dh and exw split when dss was 6, and while it was a mutual decision, it was not particularly amicable and they still struggle to have a conversation without it becoming quite bitter and nasty.

Since they split, dh has wanted 50/50 custody (we currently have every other weekend) and exw has always refused. 2 years ago we moved into the next village from exw because her main objection to 50/50 at that time was the practicality of us being able to get dss to and from school, maintain his activities etc. Once we moved, exw started saying it was dss' decision and dss has now spent 2 years telling us 'maybe in a couple of months I'll try it' but never actually progressing to giving it a go. On some occasions he tells us he doesn't want to because his mum doesn't like the idea, on other occasions he tells us his mum isn't as strict as we are and he doesn't like our rules (basically he has to tidy up after himself), and sometimes he says he has friends in the village where he lives and doesn't have friends where we live. All in all though, we're making no progress with getting him to try it.

Dh is gutted about all this, dss has always treated him with disdain since the separation - dss knows it was a mutual decision but seems to blame dh anyway. Dh cannot do enough for dss - but whatever he does is not good enough. Exw constantly tells dh he is a terrible father (he isn't, he's kind and loving and brilliant with all the kids) and I fear that has rubbed off on dss. Exw has also told dh very categorically she cannot afford any reduction in maintenance and I wonder if that is also a factor.

Anyway, a few months ago dh and I decided enough was enough and it was time to move on. The location we live in now gives dh a 90 minute commute to work each way, and is away from our friends and family so we made the decision to move. We have now had an offer on our house and found a new house we want to buy closer to dh's work but if we move 50/50 contact will be impossible and although dh really wants a better life, and the location would give us a much better lifestyle than we have currently, dh is really struggling to give up on any chance of 50/50 custody. He gets that we are not making any progress toward it and likely never will but feels he is giving up on dss if we do move.

What would you do in this situation - move and accept that dss will only visit every other weekend and the relationship with his dad will never improve or not move?

I don't know what to say to dh, for him, me and our 2 dds, I desperately want to move but I could not imagine giving up on one of my kids...

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riverboat1 · 11/08/2014 10:33

I think if DSS was younger you could push harder for 50/50, and/or go through the courts. But at age 12 I believe he is into that age where his expressed wishes, even if they are in part coming from fear of upsetting his mum, have to be taken seriously.

Its a real shame, but I think the situation is what it is. If you moved away presumably you'd still have good weekend/holiday contact with DSS? It seems madness to stay in an inconvenient location based on the vague hope of better contact, especially if you don't intend taking things to court.

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Elizabeth120914 · 11/08/2014 12:16

We have the same issue with dsd aged 11 she goes through stages of not wanting to come, her mum will ignore us for a month and on it goes.

As above it's sad but court is pointless and bloody expensive. We just have made it clear she's welcome when she wants to come and there's a lose EOW we ask if she's coming and it's up to her.

Her mum doesn't think it's a priority unless she wants rid of her for the weekend so it's the best we can do..

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rosepetalsoup · 11/08/2014 12:24

Anything that takes the pressure off the child is good. I'd move./

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