DH bring SD away for night

(192 Posts)
stepontoes Thu 07-Aug-14 12:07:17

Hi,
I'm new to this forum.
Can I run something by you that I'm totally confused by? My DH is taking his daughter (my step daughter who doesnt live with us) away for a day together as she normally goes on holidays with her biological mother and we go on holiday with our kids. She is 17 years of age, tall and slim and is always stuck to his side and quite touchy feely with him. He tells me they may stay the night somewhere. Do you think its ok for them to share a twin room or should they get two separate rooms? I'm so confused as find this step parenting is a minefield of emotions and so glad that there is a forum like this for other step-mothers as unless you are a step mother yourself it is very hard for others to understand the complex emotions you go through! Also, none of my friends are step mothers!
Thanks a lot
stepontoes

AlpacaMyBags Thu 07-Aug-14 12:09:03

I would think that a 17 year old would want their own room. DSD doesn't want to share rooms with us and she's only 13 - fair enough.

JadeJ123 Thu 07-Aug-14 12:10:33

When my dsd and dp go on holiday or away by themselves they get separate rooms as that's what they both prefer, Id voice my concerns if I was you

stepontoes Thu 07-Aug-14 12:17:26

Thanks ladies. Really appreciate you responding! I did voice my concerns to my DH saying "wouldn't it look a bit strange you and your 17 year old daughter checking into a hotel room together?". Of course, that turned into a big argument with him saying "can a father not take his daughter away for a night? - I don't care what other people think!!"

Elizabeth120914 Thu 07-Aug-14 12:18:36

I agree odd.. I wouldn't have wanted too at all at that age or even 15.

flipchart Thu 07-Aug-14 12:25:01

Maybe slightly different but I often go away with my 17 year old son and I book twin rooms in a hostel or hotel.

If its in hostel I feel safer rather than on a single sex dormitory. If its a hotel it's to keep the cots down. We go mountin biking lot.

We only kip there so its not a big deal and give each other enough privacy to get washed and changed in peace.
It's only one or two night at most.

However we are not a touchy feely family!

stepontoes Thu 07-Aug-14 12:31:07

Thanks for that flipchart!

Elizabeth120914, thanks for your input too! I agree that I wouldn't want to share a room with my father as a teenager either. However, I wasn't part of a blended family with my father remarried to someone else adn living in another house. Were u? I think it is a whole different dynamic when the daughter doesn't live with her father. What do you think? Sorry I'm just trying to get a handle on other step parents thoughts on the minefield that is stepparenting!

Branleuse Thu 07-Aug-14 12:45:52

i think its fine to share a room for the night. It sounds like you think theres some sort of incestual feelings or something the way you describe her. Thats really unlikely to be true

Finola1step Thu 07-Aug-14 12:49:41

I think Bran may have a point. Your description of your SD may be very revealing wrt your true concerns and insecurities.

BOFster Thu 07-Aug-14 13:04:18

I'm wondering what "tall and slim" has got to do with anything. If she were described as short and hirsute, we might not get the same

stepontoes Thu 07-Aug-14 13:04:48

No, I don't think there is anything going on but it's the principal. I don't think my husband should be sharing a room with another female adult other than me! Would you mind? I wouldn't care if he was away with lads and sharing with them but they are guys. What I'm looking for here is feedback on if you were in the same situation, would you mind?
Also, when SD is in our house, it's awkward showing affection to my husband eg a quick hug or kiss with her looking on as she is jealous of her father like I've read most daughters are when living in separate house. She is always nuzzling up beside him! On other hand, we kiss and hug all the time in front of our own kids and they love it. So it's definitely a different scenario to if it was our own kids!

zzzzz Thu 07-Aug-14 13:10:46

No I wouldn't mind confused

I think most 17 year olds would though. Dad farts and scratching eeeeeeewgh! Plus wanting to change etc.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Thu 07-Aug-14 13:11:04

What do her looks have to do with it? And she's hardly "another female" she's his daughter. Do you think he wants to fuck her? Or is it that you will be jealous in case people assume they are a couple? Either way, you sound really unreasonable.

Branleuse Thu 07-Aug-14 13:11:40

with all due respect, i think this is an issue with you, not them.

What was your relationship with your own father like? Was he around?

LumpySpacedPrincess Thu 07-Aug-14 13:16:34

Whether they share a room is up to them. You sound jealous of your step daughter to be honest.

Why does it matter that she is tall and slim? Maybe you should examine your own behaviour and let them get on with their relationship.

JohnFarleysRuskin Thu 07-Aug-14 13:18:34

Agree with bof.

After dm died I went travelling with my dad for couple of weeks and we shared a room.

I am short and dark so all was well.

stepontoes Thu 07-Aug-14 13:19:20

Can I just ask if all you who replied are step mothers? As from anyone who isn't of course it looks unreasonable!

MrsBungle Thu 07-Aug-14 13:20:00

What is wrong with a dad sharing a room with his daughter for one night? I don't understand the problem. Your post really does come across as you feeling they have an unhealthy relationship and I have no idea what her being tall and slim has to do with anything! I also think it is very weird to say your DH shouldn't share a room with "another female except you" when talking about his daughter!

Shedding Thu 07-Aug-14 13:20:21

I camp with my Dad and I know my sister has consistently shared a room with him over the years on cycling holidays. It's just something that usually only happens if your parents are divorced and you get on well enough with your dad to want to which is unfortunately not that common, hence your concern that it looks 'odd'. I can imagine DH and DSD doing this, but it's not come up. A friend did approach me to tell me she ahd seen DH dining with a young lady - I think she thought DSD was stil 12 grin.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Thu 07-Aug-14 13:20:47

I work in a hotel and we often have parent / teen sharing a twin. Or sometimes they book two rooms. Cannot say ive ever thought anything of it.

In fact, I do think unless the dd wants her own room for privacy then theres no reason to book two rooms.

wheresthelight Thu 07-Aug-14 13:20:49

Sounds like dsd has little wife syndrome and is trying to make a point to you that she was there first and he loves her more.

I can see why you would have concerns, I don't think I would feel very comfortable of i was in your position.

I would try and phrase it on a different way when you talk to dh, make it about her feeling uncomfortable rather than you or other people.

MrsSchadenfreude Thu 07-Aug-14 13:21:06

Phew, that's fortunate, JohnFarley! grin

My DDs would not want to share a room with their father or me, if they had the choice. They probably wouldn't want to share with each other, either.

Shedding Thu 07-Aug-14 13:21:21

DSD and I are also short but my sister is tall - should I have a word?!

Petal02 Thu 07-Aug-14 13:21:23

There's another thread running here at present, about similar father/daughter touchy-feely issues. My viewpoint, is that non resident parents and their children often have relationship dynamics that don't exist in bio/resident parenting situations. It's really hard to explain if you haven't experienced or witnessed it. But it's like everything is intense, amplified and exaggerated. And it can look vaguely incestuous even if it isn't.

I think it would be inappropriate for a father to share a room with his 17 yr old daughter, and when I was 17 I would DEFINITELY have wanted separate rooms. I think it's more about boundaries, and can understand why the OP feels uncomfortable.

JohnFarleysRuskin Thu 07-Aug-14 13:21:23

I am.

I wouldn't fancy sharing with dss (he small and blond) but dh would.

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