He says I am jealous

(47 Posts)
Tryingtobehappy Tue 05-Aug-14 20:06:48

Just to set the scene, I have recently moved in with my partner who is divorced and has an 8 year old dd. She does not live with him full time but more or less stays over 3/4 times a week.

I find the time the time that she is with us quite difficult sometimes for the following reasons:-

- He is pure disney
- Nothing she does is wrong
- He over praises her..every thing she does is amazing...wonderful..fantastic...even if she finishes her dinner she gets a "well done..good girl"
- She gets her own way in a sneaky underhand
way
-he always says how stunning she is!
-She is very manipulative
-She mimics my actions..strokes his face..holds his face in her hands an kisses him...strokes his chesthair!! ugh
- I feel like a gooseberry while they have their little love-ins
-Dp not very affectionate with me but so gushy with her.

This is not a full list but writing it down is almost theraputic.

Anyway tonight at dinner she said that a friend at school kept calling her chunky monkey or something similar..which is not true or nice as she is a slim girl. Anyway my dp came back with
"well R that is not true as you have a beautiful figure"....and then told her to tell him he looked like....someone on the tv who is not particularly attractive.

After she left the room I mentioned that saying your daughter has a beautiful figure was not an appropriate thing to say to an 8 year old. Not in a pervy way just wrong. I felt a bit weird when he said it. Maybe if he has said she was slim and had nothing to worry about? That would have been better.

He retaliated by saying I am sick in the head and plainly jealous of his daughter.This is not the first time he has said this.

Am I jealous?Maybe I am?? But sick?? That is harsh. I have an 18 year old dd myself so know what little girls are like and how they think.

I feel pretty upset tbh :-(

Petal02 Tue 05-Aug-14 21:00:12

It's very hard to watch Disney parenting; you don't sound jealous, just (understandably) pretty exasperated.

Flossiechops Tue 05-Aug-14 21:05:42

I read a book recently about a father & daughters relationship which involved emotional incest. It's hard to gauge from your post if this is actually the case but it sounds like there are elements of it. Google the term you may find it of interest.

ScrambledSmegs Tue 05-Aug-14 21:50:31

Not a step-parent, but coming at this from a relationships angle. He doesn't sound like he's very nice to you. Whatever the state of his relationship with his daughter, it's his behaviour to you that matters in this instance.

Ok, you probably shouldn't have criticised his parenting - very mildly- but he's lashed out at you in a very immature way. Jealous of a child? What a weird thing to say to your girlfriend hmm.

Personally I'd walk away. He isn't very nice to you. That would be enough for me.

Tryingtobehappy Tue 05-Aug-14 21:54:23

I have thought that scrambled but thought it was just me:-(

He is not saying stuff in a pervy way Flossie...just a totally adoring over the top way.

yoyo27 Tue 05-Aug-14 22:05:33

I say you sound extremely jealous. I tell my children they're beautiful, say well done when they finish dinner, praise them, I tell my son he is handsome.

The problem isn't that he says it to her. But that he doesn't say it to you. Why on earth shouldn't he think she is fabulous!!!

ClashCityRocker Tue 05-Aug-14 22:07:51

Hello,

I'm a stepparent to a nine year old, and also a stepdaughter. It sounds like he is over-compensating for only being a 'part-time' dad and is sensitive about his parenting ability.

How do you get on with her? Have you met her fairly recently? With you only recently having moved in, he's maybe trying to reassure her of her 'place' in the family. It is likely that she will be working through difficult feelings herself and eight is very young to understand the dynamics of adult relationships.

I found it odd at first seeing my DH in 'dad' mode at first and I do think the early days can be fraught for all parties involved.

plinth Tue 05-Aug-14 22:09:02

You sound jealous.

All the things you described in your OP sound normal to me. I would tell dd she's beautiful and say "good girl" for finishing her dinner.

He sounds like a good, attentive dad who is trying to make sure he does the right thing by his daughter.

ClashCityRocker Tue 05-Aug-14 22:11:02

I must add, I don't see anything inappropriate about what he is saying to his daughter.

WiggleGinger Tue 05-Aug-14 22:15:40

She's 8 you say?
Perhaps he's just trying to compensate for the situation!

I do think your explanation of the situation smacks of jealousy.

She is quite possibly very jealous of you too! Hence copying some of your actions.

He needs to address that though!

I think you need to speak to him about the way he responds to you though, I do feel for you, but I can also see it from his side.

Perhaps speak to him in an evening when you haven't had the daughter over. So its a little less raw???

NickiFury Tue 05-Aug-14 22:19:27

I would say good girl and well done for the things you describe. He sounds like a great Dad who is building good reserves of self esteem and self worth in his dd. I have a 7 year old dd and she's just so little and vulnerable. Your description of them having "love ins" is just horrible. This is your problem, you're jealous.

PerpendicularVincenzo Tue 05-Aug-14 22:21:16

It sounds to me like a dad trying to have a close relationship with his daughter, and nothing to worry about.

It takes a while to build a new family dynamic, I would concentrate on building a relationship with his daughter. She's probably feeling insecure, especially at such a young age, and would benefit from a loving stepmum.

FlossyMoo Tue 05-Aug-14 22:26:00

Hi OP

Nothing you have listed sounds odd to me.
You say you have recently moved in so this is a big change for you. Remember it is a big change for his DD too. She now has to share her dads attention and affection which for a child and sometimes a teenager/adult is not easy.

I don't agree with the term Disney dad but guilt can drive the NRP to over compensate when they are with DC as they want that time to be fun/pleasant.

Few parents will take criticism's of their child or parenting well so maybe that could be why he reacted the way he did.

I praise my DC's a lot and I do have a tendency for example when my 7 yo says look mum I ate everything (this includes the veg she is not keen on) and shows me her plate I tend to say 'well done pet'

Saying she has a beautiful figure to me is a lot better than your suggestion of saying slim. Saying slim implies that slim=beauty and could cause issues where as saying beautiful figure does not imply that beauty has a weight attached to it so becomes more wholesome and rounded.

Step parenting is not easy OP and you sometimes need to take a step back and look at the situation again. Her 'behaviours' are born of the situation she is in and she is reacting like an 8 yo not an adult.

Talk to your DP. Apologise for criticising his parenting but explain that the situation is difficult and you want to do the best by his DD but he has to help and support you so that DD does not feel threatened by you and you do not feel threatened by her.

hoobypickypicky Tue 05-Aug-14 22:26:47

I've been a SP but am no longer. I'm a mother and also a SC but that came about when I was an adult so I accept that's not relevant, I'm just explaining where I'm coming from.

I can see at least two issues here, very separate ones.

1. I can't see anything wrong with praising a child and making them feel good. Take a step outside, OP, for a minute. Is there really anything so bad about saying well done, good girl for finishing your dinner or how 'stunning' she is (proud parent, or OTT <roll eyes but no big deal> proud parent)? I'm sure I said it to my DC and SDC.

2. Children do mirror adult actions. She's seen you being affectionate to a man she has a different type of affection for. As long as she's not mimicking non child-appropriate actions I can't see the harm.

3. Your DP may have made a bad parenting decision to tell his DD to take the micky out of the boy who upset her in revenge but it's natural for a parent to reassure a child who's been bullied and tell them they don't look, for e.g., like a monkey but they're lovely. It's just reassurance.

But.

You have other concerns which shouldn't be dismissed. Children are wrong sometimes and it's easy for parents not to admit that, I think we must all have done it. It's maybe easier still for a NRP to fall into that trap and be 'Disney Dad or Mum'. Children can be sneaky and it's up to both adults in the house to work together to deal with it. A family break up and blended households are hard work and sometimes we forget that it's not just the adults who struggle. Maybe the DD is struggling to share her dad just as you are?

That's something which I feel does need addressing, to keep a happy second family and to have a content relationship with DP and DSC. Talk. Speak to DP and see if you can gain a balance of time, attention and most importantly an agreement on behaviour and expectations.

Am I making sense? Some of the things you've said, yes, they do smack of jealousy. Others come across as perfectly valid concerns. Do you think too (I mean this in the nicest possible way, without intending to be rude or nasty) that there is a divide in your examples?

Tryingtobehappy Tue 05-Aug-14 22:28:12

I think you are probably right clashcity about the overcompensating as a parent. Yes he is a good dad and I am a loving mum myself and say lovely things to my daughter too. I think what gets me is the constant adoring comments and trailing after her, making sure her liFe is as perfect as possible, while I trail behind in the shadows.

If I might add Plinth, he has to cajole her to eat her dinner while she pulls faces of distaste...then gives her desert and the 'well done' when she leaves half of her meal that I have cooked. I should have explained in more detail.

AtSea1979 Tue 05-Aug-14 22:34:30

You do sound jealous to be honest.
Maybe your DD was totally different to this one so you have little understanding. I have 2 DC, my DS is a similar age to your step DD and he very much acts like this. He likes his snuggles etc and I give him lots of praise.
I think the lack of attention to you from DP is compounding your jealousy and you need to address that.

PerpendicularVincenzo Tue 05-Aug-14 22:38:10

It may take a while for her to accept you and the new status quo, hence her playing up a bit - but things will settle down.

PPs are right that you and your DP need to present a united front. He can have a strong relationship with you and his daughter, so I would speak with him, apologise for being critical of the way he parents, and agree a way together of parenting his DD.

Tryingtobehappy Tue 05-Aug-14 22:38:20

Thanks for all your great comments..I really appreciate the feedback.

I really need to take a step back and think about the situation and my relationship with DP as a whole.

Maybe if was half as loving and adoring to me as he is with her I wouldntt feel so agrieved.

BUT...there are behaviour issues we need to discuss and giving a child their own way constantly because you feel guilty is surely not right.Understandable to a.point but not right.

FlossyMoo Tue 05-Aug-14 22:43:03

I agree it's not right OP. Children do need boundaries.
I wouldn't advocate telling her off for every tiny thing but she does need to abide by house rules that both you and DH agree with.

If there are issues in your relationship then that is a different problem.
Remember the attention & love he shows his DD is entirely different from the love and attention he should show you so try not to compare the two.

Elizabeth120914 Wed 06-Aug-14 06:38:20

I agree some of what you have said is more than a bit OTT but I think the main point is how he treats you not her..

It's been done on here loads but I find that my OH is very different when dsd is about for many reasons and I have copped for it on several occasions over the years. He's frustrated at the situation/ disappointed about behaviour and it can mean rather than the child I cop it. He's fab when she's not here and over time it's cut right back. Is it possible this is what's going on here? What's he like when she's not there?

When dsd first came on the scene we had a lot of issues with her being jealous and she would say things to me about her dad that just weren't true and try to cause trouble. These days we get on probably better than her and her dad a lot (teenage girls!) so there is light but it's a limb slog getting there.

If you don't feel that when your on your own he's stepping up I'd think is it worth it - sounds bloody miserable to say you've just moved in sorry sad

FunkyBoldRibena Wed 06-Aug-14 06:54:17

Have you introduced him to the Disney dad concept? Perhaps next time he accuses you of being jealous you need to tell him that watching a Disney dad situation is incredibly frustrating.

PerpendicularVincenzo Wed 06-Aug-14 08:46:59

I would hope he loves you both very much, but in different ways, happy.

Perhaps it's more about feeling secure in your relationship with him - if you did, him naturally showing affection to his daughter wouldn't upset you so much.

I would speak with him about your relationship and how you feel, without bringing his DD into it. I say this as comparing his feelings towards you to those towards his DD could make it into a competition and put him on the defensive, which wouldn't accomplish anything.

It sounds like you want it to work and I hope you're ok.

plinth Wed 06-Aug-14 17:22:03

Hmm my post seems to have disappeared...

In response to your last post op, I would still praise my dd in that situation. I think it's normal.

And work on your relationship with him - leave his dd out of it.

Was the gist.... smile

doziedoozie Wed 06-Aug-14 19:08:41

The DSD strokes her DF's chest hair, urgh! -- this is normal? yet again the parallel universe of step familyhood.

doziedoozie Wed 06-Aug-14 19:13:32

If your DD is 18 you are almost free to do your own thing in the world, find someone nicer is my advice.

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