Is this me being silly?

(32 Posts)
needaholidaynow Thu 31-Jul-14 16:53:11

This might sound like I'm being a bit paranoid, but I can't help it because of the general attitude towards stepparents. I'm always a little bit reluctant to go out with dsd and do something nice with her because I worry that people will think I am trying to "play mummy" towards her when I'm not.

I was talking to dsd today while I was getting ready doing my hair and makeup. She's always asking can she put some of my makeup on and will I do her hair etc.. I let her put a bit of my blusher on and she has her own nail varnishes and stuff. I asked her does her mum wear makeup and stuff and she said no. I can tell she likes it and enjoys it, so I guess it is something we kind of share. The conversation went on and I said I'd really fancy a pedicure soon. She asked what that is and i told her and she said she really wants to do that too. So it got me thinking, she could come with me and have it done at the same time (not that she needs it obviously but she'd like it)

But then I thought, what about the women at the salon who don't know us. When they find out she's my dsd they are going to judge and think I am trying to play mummy/ do girly stuff with her that her mum should get the opportunity to do with her and I am "taking it away from her" Something like that anyway. Now I'm not one of these people that thinks girls are all pink and glittery, but dsd likes makeup and hair and is girly out of he own accord. It's not something I am forcing on to her or anything.

Should I just go ahead and book it? I just hate this fear of being judged as trying to take her mum's place when I have no intention to do so. I just want to be a good friend.

nomoretether Thu 31-Jul-14 18:11:15

Just book it. I'm sure salon owners see young girls in with mothers, stepmothers, aunts, cousins, older sisters etc all the time.

bluebell8782 Thu 31-Jul-14 19:05:04

Hiya.. In the nicest possible way. . You are being silly! Just book it. Just because you're not mum doesn't mean you can't share something together. . It's not wrong. Mum doesn't own all 'firsts' or all things girly. . If SD is happy that is good enough. Even if you come across judgemental looks. . Don't sweat it..it aint your problem.. They are the ones that will have no experience of these sort of things. Just enjoy it for what it is.. You are not pretending anything.

bluebell8782 Thu 31-Jul-14 19:05:36

Hiya.. In the nicest possible way. . You are being silly! Just book it. Just because you're not mum doesn't mean you can't share something together. . It's not wrong. Mum doesn't own all 'firsts' or all things girly. . If SD is happy that is good enough. Even if you come across judgemental looks. . Don't sweat it..it aint your problem.. They are the ones that will have no experience of these sort of things. Just enjoy it for what it is.. You are not pretending anything.

ICanSeeTheShardFromHere Thu 31-Jul-14 19:42:44

J

ICanSeeTheShardFromHere Thu 31-Jul-14 19:42:44

Jus

ICanSeeTheShardFromHere Thu 31-Jul-14 19:42:44

Just

ICanSeeTheShardFromHere Thu 31-Jul-14 19:42:58

Wo

ICanSeeTheShardFromHere Thu 31-Jul-14 19:45:44

Wtf is going on???!!!!!

Sorry.

I meant to say: just book it. No one will bat an eyelid. I've had pedicures with my step daughter and it was a nice thing to do.

I find it funny when people get awkward about our relationship to one another. Like shop keepers telling her to 'be good for mummy', or whatever, and then looking at me and clocking she's obviously not mine (we look very different).

Fuck what people think.

NatashaBee Thu 31-Jul-14 19:49:44

I know what you mean, I always used to feel like an imposter when I attended things to do with DSD. You shouldn't feel bad though, your DSD can only benefit from having someone else taking an interest in her life and caring for her.

That said - are you sure you aren't going to get her mum's back up with letting her wear makeup when she's not allowed to do it at home?

marne2 Thu 31-Jul-14 19:58:53

I have taken my dsd out loads of times, took her to the theatre for her birthday and several shopping trips. Some people just assume I'm her mum or her big sister and we just shrug it off, who cares what people think, I don't really try and be her mum and when we go out we are more like 'friends' than step mother and daughter.

Take her out and enjoy it xx

needaholidaynow Thu 31-Jul-14 20:09:00

Thanks for the replies. I knew I was jut being silly and paranoid.

NatashaBee It's not that she isn't allowed at her mum's, it's just her mum doesn't wear makeup herself. Dsd has kiddy makeup sets at her mums bit her mum isn't interested in anything like that which is fair enough. DP and his ex make their own decisions about what dsd is allowed to do in each household and they both respect those decisions. Her mum has specificaly said she isnt bothered. Its not like she wears foundation or mascara which could irritate her skin and eyes. Dsd goes to bed later at her mums than she does here but that's up to her mum. So even if her mum didn't like dsd to have a little bit of blusher on or her hair curled etc when she is in DP's house he makes the final decision really.

NatashaBee Thu 31-Jul-14 20:27:21

Fair enough then... sounds like everyone is happy with everything, which is great for your DSD - take her to get pampered and enjoy it! You shouldn't feel bad, it's nice for her to feel that you want to spend time with her on her own too as well as with her dad.

NatashaBee Thu 31-Jul-14 20:29:47

And TBH, my mum never wore makeup so I had nobody to show me how to... OK, it's not exactly a vital life skill but that sort of thing matters to lots of girls so you're doing her a favour.

MirandaWest Thu 31-Jul-14 20:49:24

I don't wear makeup much at all. My XHs girlfriend wears make up more often and it really wouldn't bother me if my DD did make up things with her, or went and had a pedicure. I am very happy when she's staying at XHs house when DD as she's likely to do great things with DDs hair that I can't do smile
I remember the first time she did a French plait in DDs hair that XH was worried that I wouldn't be happy. He didn't say and was surprised I guessed (given his ability with hair I found this quite funny grin).
But overall I really wouldn't worry about it smile

robotroy Thu 31-Jul-14 21:19:50

I think its really awful that this kind of phrase and mindset exists of 'trying to take mum's place', it doesn't really exist where you hear men saying that about step dads ever.

I've yet to meet a step parent who wants to 'steal' someone else's kid, thats weird and creepy who does that ever?!?!?! You are growing a family and friendship and you want to do something fun together.

My SD loves me so much sometimes I think she will burst. Her loving me doesn't take anything from her mum. She's not confused about what everyone's place is. Its something extra she gets in her life, she deserves it for all the bad sides of having seperated parents brings her.

Just follow your instinct and don't be embarrased. Wr used to giggle if people said something about 'mummy' but I happens so much we dondon't notice now anf it doesn't matter what a stranger thinks. If its a longer conversation we'll explain bit honestly no ones gives.

MirandaWest Thu 31-Jul-14 21:37:17

Also if someone thought that XHs gf was DDs mum it wouldn't bother me. DD knows I'm her mum - I'm glad she has lots of people in her life.

Alita7 Thu 31-Jul-14 21:38:41

I agree just book it. If they realise she isn't your child, by her not calling you mum then you could be any female adult whose close to her it shouldn't matter.

She deserves to experience nice things with all parents and step parents smile people can put their options up their arses particularly when so many people are step parents themselves!

RubyrooUK Thu 31-Jul-14 21:44:50

Robotroy says it all.

As I have a great relationship with both my stepmum and stepdad, it never bothers me if someone assumes they are my parent. I assume people will think we are doing things together as we care about each other as family.

Blended families are pretty common now. I normally assume people are out doing things with their step children or step parents because they like them! It wouldn't ever occur to me to think "oh she's her stepmum - she's trying to take the place of her mum"; I think "oh they're having a nice time".

Maybe83 Thu 31-Jul-14 21:46:55

Book it my dd and her sm do things with her sm dd and with out my regularly.

They go the cinema shopping girlie nights in...my dd really appreciate s the things she does for her. She does little thing s just I suppose to keep building a bond wit her as she gets older.

For example my dd despise s spag bol but has eat it for years in her dads as her sm cooks it. When her dad aasked why she never asked for something else she said she didn't want to be rude. No sm make s her a different pasta dish she may love her for ever just for that!

You will probably really enjoy it just being the two of you

needaholidaynow Thu 31-Jul-14 21:54:25

Aw thanks for all the lovely posts! smile I agree that I should be an extra caring adult in her life and as much as I moan on here sometimes, I really want us to have a great relationship, which i think we do.I'll never be her mum or a second mum nor do I want to be and I'm sure she doesn't want me to be either. She loves her mum and is a proper mummy's girl, but if I can be an extra positive female figure in her life then that can only be a good thing.
It's just other people that make it more hard work than it has to be. The gossipy mum's at dsd's school, my meddling MIL, strangers (which I admit might be me being a bit paranoid) and of course the odd few MNers who like to be obnoxious smile

MarmiteMania Thu 31-Jul-14 21:58:30

If my dd's step mum did something like this with her I'd be delighted she wanted to make the effort! My dd did not chose to have divorced parents; all I want is for her to be surrounded by people who like her and are lovely to her. Off you go!

needaholidaynow Thu 31-Jul-14 22:01:35

I'm going to book it tomorrow and surprise her on the day when DP is off to look after the boys smile Might take her to the Chinese buffet as well. Thanks everyone for reassuring me, I just needed a bit of a confidence boost.

Maybe83 Thu 31-Jul-14 22:05:49

Funny you should mention Chinese buffet we have a really popular one in the town we live dd sm and her dd go often on a Saturday afternoon if ex is working. .funny I wouldn't take dd there as its kind of their thing.

Do she ll be delighted!

robotroy Thu 31-Jul-14 22:07:36

I think its really awful that this kind of phrase and mindset exists of 'trying to take mum's place', it doesn't really exist where you hear men saying that about step dads ever.

I've yet to meet a step parent who wants to 'steal' someone else's kid, thats weird and creepy who does that ever?!?!?! You are growing a family and friendship and you want to do something fun together.

My SD loves me so much sometimes I think she will burst. Her loving me doesn't take anything from her mum. She's not confused about what everyone's place is. Its something extra she gets in her life, she deserves it for all the bad sides of having seperated parents brings her.

Just follow your instinct and don't be embarrased. Wr used to giggle if people said something about 'mummy' but I happens so much we dondon't notice now anf it doesn't matter what a stranger thinks. If its a longer conversation we'll explain bit honestly no ones gives.

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