Step kids resent me and by the looks of it, DP resents me on their behalf

[StarklyDoesIt]

DP and his ex were split long before I met him, nothing to do with me.

At first, once the ice had broken his kids were fine with me, polite and friendly. Now all of a sudden it's like they resent the air I breathe. They resent the holidays I have, they resent the house I live it, they resent the things I buy - I think basically they feel cheated and feel like all this should be "theirs".

Problem is, I work full time (unlike their mother who doesn't know the meaning of the word) so I don't feel guilty, I word hard for what I have yet it feels like they expect me to feel guilty and even DP sometimes tries to imply that I should feel guilty about enjoying life whilst his kids suffer the consequences of their parents split.

"Oh their house is tiny and crap, they're not used to that, and here you are living in this big house whilst they struggle ... " I fucking pay for it!! I won't feel guilty about my house.

"Oh they never get to go abroad anymore (their mum won't take them and won't let us take them either) and they have to watch us jetting off on holidays, how must that make them feel? well sorry but I won't feel guilty for that either. Just because their mum is lazy doesn't mean I shouldn't enjoy the rewards of my career.

The latest one is that we've arranged a camping trip for the end of August. I was quite looking forward to it until I say the way DP has tried to sell it to his kids:

"I'm taking you and your brother away camping in August". No mention of me or my kids who are also part of this - because he knows full well his kids (or rather his eldest) won't want to go if he knows I'm going.

So I'm obviously not welcome on this trip (despite the fact that I'll be financially contributing to it) and I'm not really welcome around the house during access weekends.

I'm sick of being expected to feel guilty because his kids lives changed. That was NOT my doing yet I'm being made the scapegoat for it. His eldest is almost 19 ffs, isn't it about time he grew up a bit?

[Elizabeth120914]

Time they grew up!

We have this too. Dsds mum and oh don't work they have ten kids between them and live seperately to get more benefits.

We are supposed to feel bad because we both work full time. We have our own house and there was even a fuss when we got a new car! I am heavily pregnant and still working and pay for half including the food that dsd eats when she is here the room that she has to herself and the trips/ activities but we are bad..

Apparently we should apologise for the lifestyle we have (not amazing!) and making sure dsd doesn't loose out to new baby - didn't stop her mother with no income having 3 more... We have come back from holiday and are supposed to play this down too.

Don't know what the answer is but ur right if ur OH feels so bad about I don't know what u are supposed to do..? Dsds mum and my oh never lived together and have been split 10 years but we are still liable it appears...

[morethanpotatoprints]

I don't know what to say OP.
I can see their pov, even though the oldest is 19 they don't have what yu and your dp can give your dc and they must be resentful.
However, its not your fault their mum doesn't work.
If it was me I would be talking to your dp about mending bridges between you and your step kids, or I wouldn't be contributing to their holiday.
The 19 year old is old enough to be told that you have paid for it, then if they refuse to go its up to your dp to sort it out.
I don't think you can blame the kids or their mother for this, your dp is really wimpy.

[brdgrl]

"I'm taking you and your brother away camping in August". No mention of me or my kids who are also part of this - because he knows full well his kids (or rather his eldest) won't want to go if he knows I'm going.

Wait, so he's leading them to believe that the rest of you are not going? Sorry, I know that's not the biggest point of your OP, but what is he thinking?
And if a 19 year-old doesn't want to go if you are going, then maybe he should stay home?

So I'm obviously not welcome on this trip (despite the fact that I'll be financially contributing to it) and I'm not really welcome around the house during access weekends.
I'm not saying you should do this...but I'd be mightily tempted in your shoes to do a lot less for the DSC. It sounds like they are not only happy to benefit from your generosity, not only un-appreciative of it, but outright hostile to you.
My DSS recently told me in a heated argument that "I was no-one to him". My response? If I am no-one to you, then I'll stop behaving as if I were. I'm certainly not his housekeeper. Given that I do pretty much everything for him and have done for 4-5 years, he noticed pretty quickly when I stopped.

Your DP should be setting the kids straight with regards to their expectations. Again - what is he thinking!!?? And why this language of "struggling"? Are they "struggling"? If not, why is he encouraging their sense of entitlement?
How long have you and your DP been living together? What is your (informal, maybe) financial agreement?

[StarklyDoesIt]

I don't blame the kids or their mother. Deep down I know it's none of my business whether she works or not, maybe she has her reasons, maybe I'm slightly jealous because I'm knackered and would love to laze around the house all day every day ... but then no, I know I wouldn't like that life and I am who I am, she is who she is and that is all there is to it.

It's DP at fault here. Always trying to make me feel guilty about HIS situation.

[StarklyDoesIt]

They're not struggling. They have a decent house (well I think it's decent but then I'm not a snob like DP). They go away each year in the UK, they dress well, they run a car (and a better one than my old 14 year old banger! lol) and they eat well, go to cinema together, meals out - does that sound like a family on the edge to you? no ... but for some mad reason DP likes to make out that since he left their lives have fallen apart.

Our financial situation is that we both work full time and we both put all wages into a joint account, all the bills come out of that account and we both have whatever is left of it at our disposal. Neither of us are big spenders so it works well. He pays full maintenance too and I get full maintenance for my kids from their dad.

[brdgrl]

No, I see what you are saying...Whether she works doesn't really matter. She could be the hardest working woman in the world and you could still have more. Her finances aren't really the point. It's about how you and your money are being taken for granted, and your choices and life limited by something you have no control over or responsibility for.

Imagine if instead you were the one with no money and the DSC were resenting you for not providing the same standard they were used to at home...safe story, in a way!

[catsmother]

I don't understand it - their life sounds fine to me, and a lot better than many.

I also don't understand what you're supposed to do about the disparity. If your DP is paying his fair share of maintenance he's not doing anything wrong in that regard, so I really really hope there isn't an implication going on here that somehow you should be handing over some of your wage to help support them too ?

In any case, a 19 year old is an adult albeit a young one !

Maybe you should wear sackcloth and ashes and walk about looking utterly miserable all the time. Maybe that'd make them feel better.

I suspect your DP has contributed to this by being indiscreet and voicing his own feelings on the matter. As for the camping holiday how does he think it's going to pan out when everyone sets off and the SS realises it's not just them ? .... that's going to go down well isn't it stupid man. He could potentially mess up the whole break is SS storms off (though good riddance if an adult's going to have a tantrum IMO) or worse, sulks and snipes all the time you're away. He needs to be honest with him before you go so you all know where you stand. Stupid man.

[RonneandFrankie]

Is your DP not living in this "big house" while his kids "struggle" as well? Do they resent him equally for it?
I'd like to see how unimpressed they would be if the finances were split and your DP only had his wage available to spend on his kids. Maybe they would appreciate the effort and money you put in.
Maybe your DP would be better off using it as a lesson for his kids? "This is what happens when you work hard and put in effort - you can look after yourself and have nice things, goals, etc" rather than encouraging bad feelings about it.
19 seems too old to be having a tanty about that, to me.

I hope they buck up, and you can feel more comfortable in your home.

[thebluehen]

My dsd1 aged 18 is very jealous of our (albeit quite ordinary lifestyle).

The looks and comments we get from her say it all and I know her mum loves the pity her daughter gives her.

I got told the other day, that mum cooked her a fry up before she went to work " because mum is good like that". I really had to bite my tongue and not say " if I had sat on my arse for 20 years, i would have time to make fry ups, but I go to work to help pay for things like your driving lessons, your car, school trips, clothes etc etc but I'm never told I'm good like that"!

The joys of being a step parent . Expected to give everything whilst mum takes all the praise . Sigh.

When is your partner going to tell his previous little boy that you're going camping ?