Father and son

[broodynmoody]

Hello

My partner sepereated from his ex girlfriend when he's son was only a few month old. It was a mutual decision as they weren't getting along. My partner has always said how he always wanted a boy and was chuffed stiff when she said they were having a boy though he said he wasn't happy at her being pregnant. Now when we're in the middle of trying to conceive our own child, he's non stop talking about how he's going to go football and boxing with his son when he gets older (he's currently 2). Its made me feel really really low. I feel like he already has his boy he's not bothered about us having a child. He of course says he does but hes actions say different. I feel hurt and angry that he will be doing all the father son things with another womans child whom hes never lived with. I feel second best and my child will be. Anyone had this?

[Boomeranggirl]

I feel hurt and angry that he will be doing all the father son things with another womans child whom hes never lived with.

He's not another woman's child, he is your DPs son! it doesn't matter whether he has lived with him or not, he is still his son and your DP is allowed to be excited about doing things with him. You sound quite bitter and tbh I would be thinking about whether this situation is right for you to bring a child into given the way you are feeling. If you feel resentful now it will get a whole lot worse when you are pregnant, trust me!

I'm not trying to be nasty to you but there are some realities you seem to want to airbrush away and by trying to do this you are only going to end up making yourself unhappy. Your DH isn't going to change and nor should he. Either you need to reframe the situation in your own mind so you are okay with it or I would have second thoughts.

I'm a second wife, my OH has two kids from a previous relationship and we have a child together so I'm coming from a place of 'been there done that' rather than Mrs Judgy pants!

[broodynmoody]

Thanks for your reply. I guess it does stem from the fact i am worried incase my partner does not feel the same excitement the second time round woth any children we have.

[Cabrinha]

How do his actions say different?
What does he say when you say "football sounds cool - won't it be lovely when we have a child too and they can kick a ball about together?"
This is a little boy who exists... your child together is just an idea at the moment. I'm not surprised he talks more about a real child!

You need to talk to him. If you are unsure of his commitment to having another child, then stop TTC.

What does he do with his son NOW, anyway? If he's all talk about boxing one day but doesn't do age appropriate play now, I also wouldn't pick him as a father. But if he shows the same enthusiasm and action now, that bodes well.

Finally, I know you didn't ask this, but I'll throw it in anyway. I do think it's worth thinking hard before you have a child with someone you are not married to, for legal reasons - not moral!

[Boomeranggirl]

Your partner will be excited! Yours will be a child you have together and one which is with him full time so that will be a whole new experience for him as well! Don't feel it won't be special, I understand why you think that but it will be -honest! My DP is a million times more hands on with our child than he ever was with his first two, he makes equal parenting choices with me, gets up in the night, changes nappies and they have special stuff they do together, its wonderful! He really appreciates the whole experience a lot more and enjoys it rather than being a terrified first time dad. Plus he's a lot more use in terms of support because he doesn't balk at changing a nappie!

[Cabrinha]

In all honesty, there are things I wouldn't be as into second time round. That's a fact. And it's a shame for a new partner who hasn't been through it.
BUT - it's minor. The experience of having and loving another child is much bigger than a few things to get excited about.
He might not be excited (in advance) about taking a second child to football. But then the second child turns out to be really into swimming - and there's a whole new excitement there.
He MUSTN'T actively put the dampeners on your enthusiasm - but you do have to accept some things will be a bit "done that". That's not his fault.

[Cabrinha]

Another thing to bear in mind with enthusiasm... Anecdotally among my friends, a lot of men were pretty unenthusiastic UNTIL the child was at least a year old and easier to "do" things with.
This may not be a second child thing, but how he was first time round too.
Pregnancy boards are full of women complaining the father isn't interested in baby names etc ;)

Like I said - you're not even pregnant. It's a lot to ask him to be getting all excited already!

[broodynmoody]

I know my partner wasn't very good with babies first time round. He likes them at the age where he can play fight with them etc interact. My partner says he'll be just as excited to do it with any children we have but im not sure i believe him. The thought of him going out with ss going to football and boxing breaks my heart i feel hes got his boy now hes not bothered. It gets me down and angry at the thought of him doing it with our child and it being less special to him and exciting.

[Minorchristmascrisis]

All I can say is my dh is an excellent dad, to ALL his children, he had a child before we met and has enjoyed being involved and doing things with and for his dc. We then had children together and he has continued to enjoy being involved and doing things with or for his children.
Think of it this way, if you had two children, would your first child be any more loved and special than the second - I doubt it very much. There is enough love in a parent's heart for all their children.

[Cabrinha]

Well it sounds like this is all coming from you, and not his behaviour at all.
There's another thread going about basically being jealous of a stepchild, and posters replying there saying it's common.
I think you need to work through that before TTC.

[wheresthelight]

OP - your fears are entirely normal I can assure you!! I had all the same fears when I first found out i was pregnant.

You need to sit down and talk to your dp BEFORE you go any further with TTC. You need to explain to him exactly how HIS behaviour is making you feel and tell him that you need reassurance.

It is possible that he is struggling to reconcile his own feelings over being able to live with any child the pair of you have and not being able to have had that with his son. Talking this was could be his way of dealing with that and making sure he 'makes it up' to him iyswim.

hth

[brdgrl]

There have been so many threads on this subject on this board. It's not uncommon to worry about it, OP, and it doesn't (in itself anyway!) mean there are huge problems in your relationship or that you are a bad person.

My DH had two kids already, one boy and one girl, but I will tell you - it hasn't taken away even the slightest, tiniest bit from his excitement over DD. Really.

I did speak frankly to my DH early on (maybe even when we were TTC, I can't quite remember when) and let him know that I did not want my own excitement to be diminished in any way, that I wanted to do things 'my own way' and make my own mistakes, not be expected to do things as he and First Wife had done them before, etc. He was sensitive to that, and it made things much nicer.

Good luck, by the way!

[wheresthelight]

I had a similar conversation with my dp too brdgrl! He wasn't so good at not doing the "Ohh I remember when exw was pregnant with dss and x happened and we had to do y" but he was brilliant at reassuring me when I would freak out because bump hadn't moved for half an hour or because dd had a slight rash after a warm bath etc. Him knowing what needed doing and having done it before was a godsend when it came to me panicking over every daft thing a first time mum panics over.

And for anyone telling you that baby isn't a pfb because dp has kids can jump off a bridge. It will be your pfb and it will be his pfb with you and you are allowed to feel the things a first time parent feels!! It is all natural.

My one warning if you do carry on ttc and finallybget pregnant would be to make sure his kids are told by you and involve them as it will help reduce any potential for resentment. and if you need to cancel contact because you have a newborn then do it but make sure you discuss ot with his older kids and explain how hard it is and that they can come in the day but if it is ok would they mind sleeping at mummy's or even at grandparents if they are local. We arranged for dsc's to stay with dp's parents who they adore after dd was born but unfortunately mil was diagnosed with terminal cancer the day I gave birth so they couldn't. We had to cancel one contact weekend as dd was 11 days old, dp had been called back into work as a business critical project was about to go tits up and there was no way I could cope on my own!! We did then have them for a full week when dd was 3 weeks old so they didn't miss out!

[WaitingForMe]

Please stop trying for a baby while you feel like this.

My DS was DH's third child and there are so many bonuses such as my son having adoring big brothers. My DH put it beautifully when he said he had done the baby thing before but had never done it with me. He enjoyed it more with me as we were very much in love and I involved him (his ex was quite a cold person apparently).

I think unless you can see a partners existing children as your child's siblings, you're probably not in the right relationship to have a child.

[Branleuse]

i dont think youre in the right place to be ttc with someone who already has a child. You already resent his other little boy. Dont be THAT woman

[brdgrl]

I think the last two comments are spectacularly unhelpful and completely miss the mark. The OP has said absolutely nothing indicating that she feels resentment towards the DSS, NOTHING, and she certainly has said nothing about the children not being siblings

(although they will be half-siblings and if she chooses to use that term because it is appropriate and works for her family, I can't see why that should be a problem; my DH is loving and very very close to the brothers he calls his half-siblings - the "half-ness" is nothing to be ashamed of or hide!)

OP is being honest about very normal and common worries about her DH's feelings towards her child - this isn't even about her feelings towards his son. She could love the bones off the other child (not that she is required to) and still have this worry.

Don't be jerks, eh?

[wheresthelight]

Ohhh stepmum bingo in full swing!!!

Ffs rtft without your own twisted agendas

[wheresthelight]

Ohh cross posts with brdgrl - should probably have refreshed

[robotroy]

I can kind of see this. For the first few years I used to feel upset sometimes, a kind of jealousy about the fact I wouldn't even have my own child with my OH. Once he wistfully told me about when his child was born and how he'd never seen anyone be as brave as his ex and so beautiful, and it was like a shard of ice through my heart knowing he would never see me in that way. A kind of hormonal driven instinct even whispered in the back of my head maybe I should have a child with him.... even though I've never wanted to raise a baby. I agree with other people you should tell him when you feel things like this, just tell him you're not looking for a mystical solution they're normal worries all new parents have worries, just so that he can give you a little reassurance and a big cuddle.

He will be excited, remember he told you he wasn't even happy about the last lady being pregnant yet he's still excited about his boy. I would feel a little concern about his lack of playing with him as a young lad, maybe you could point out to him the myriad of amazing boy toys he can play with, and that he can get him to do his first football kicks. I think men are sometimes still embarrassed to play, and society still completely says that only mums can be nurturing or its creepy so sometimes they need a gentle push in the right direction.

At 2 you're at early doors with your SS, I think love will grow in your family and especially as you see him loving his brother and playing with him. I always think my man would have been an amazing man to have a child with as he is a calm expert and so I think you'll benefit from that, he is amazing with friends kids it's very cute.

I know its an irrational feeling but feelings can be. I feel sad that my SD doesn't live with her mum and her dad. I worry from the other side, that when my SD's mum has another child with her new man maybe our daughter will get pushed out and made to feel second best. Your SS's mum and maybe even dad will have the same worries so I agree with others don't be that woman. My OH wouldn't even discuss if we would choose to have kids together until he was happy my SD was happy and settled so be maybe your OH worries about that too. Talking always helps if you make it clear you realise your thoughts are probably silly and you really just want a hug.

[brdgrl]

:) wheres !

[wheresthelight]

I know!! Was reading the new posts then the baby wanted a feed... D'oh! Thinking need to enjoy the bingo in the garden with a few

[brdgrl]

wouldn't it be nice to play it all together in a proper bingo hall environment?

[wheresthelight]

Only if it's got air con in this heat

[brdgrl]

*He will be excited, remember he told you he wasn't even happy about the last lady being pregnant yet he's still excited about his boy.

OP, remember too, kinda like robotroy suggests - it will be very different (as in, so much better!) for your DH, not just having a child, but having a child within a loving relationship and being able to really be a full part of that experience and just enjoying it.

My DH was very happy with the mother of his children, and even so, he has said (and I believe him) that he enjoyed the early days more with DD, simply because of where he was in his own life and that he felt more able to relax and enjoy new fatherhood this time around.

Now when we're in the middle of trying to conceive our own child, he's non stop talking about how he's going to go football and boxing with his son when he gets older (he's currently 2).
Reading that again, I think it's possible too that your DH might be afraid (irrationally, again, perhaps, and maybe not even consciously!) of what will happen with the child you are TTC. He has already missed out on a lot with his older child, and it would be understandable if having a child with you made him feel quite vulnerable - some part of him might need reassurance that he WILL be able to do all these things he is talking about, with your child. That might be why he is talking about going to ball games etc now - it seems insensitive to your feelings, but maybe in a way it is him asking for reassurance just like you need yourself - am I making any sense here?

[brdgrl]

Air con and drinks.