I don't want to be made to feel guilty about this...

(214 Posts)
needaholidaynow Sat 19-Jul-14 20:05:57

My dad has just booked a little caravan trip for me, DP and DS1 and DS2 for a week in October. DSD is going on holiday to Turkey at the end of September during term time for a week, and she comes home the week before we are due to go away. School would definitely not have allowed DSD to be off for another week so close together. Her mum is already at risk of getting a fine for her week she is going away, so we don't want to run that risk too.

My dad has booked this trip as a treat for the boys. They will love it. I am also pregnant and due in January, so this is like a little get away before the baby comes. He also didn't want to pay over the odds if he waited for half term, when DSD's grandparents would be contributing nothing to this trip if DSD was to come. There would also be no room in the car (my dad is taking us) and again her grandparents would never help out with anything like that.

My DP is having a bit of a sulk now. I would feel a bit sorry for DSD if she never got anything, but her holiday with her mum will be her second this year and I think a little treat for the boys to a caravan would not be such a bad thing. I've told DP not to bother coming if he doesn't want to and I will find someone else to take his place.

Everything has to have a big dark cloud around it and it gets me down so much.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Sat 19-Jul-14 20:10:57

Well I suppose your boys arent going to Turkey so all his kids are having a holiday each this year.

I can understand why he wants her there though, and if she did come out of school for the caravan holiday that is for her parents to decide if they are willing to risk the fine.

broodynmoody Sat 19-Jul-14 20:57:01

I understand what you mean. My dsc have been abroad already this year then they have centre parcs in September then abroad again in February. If my dp thinks were saving little money we have to take them kids on holiday he's got another thing coming. Try explaining it that if dsd comes then less will be spent on your boys and would that be fair to them to have less spent on them on their only holiday they get that year just so dsd can have her second/third holiday of the year?

Heels99 Sat 19-Jul-14 21:06:17

Agree with dp. He has 3 children, he is taking 2 of them on holiday. Regardless of what the mother has arranged, he mist feel shit about excluding one of his kids from a familynholiday. Can't you go at half term so she doesn't miss more school?

brdgrl Sat 19-Jul-14 21:12:37

No need to feel guilty. DSD's mum isn't taking your boys on their holiday, is she?
Your DP is being a bit of a jerk. If he is going to sulk, go without him.

needaholidaynow Sat 19-Jul-14 21:17:33

I agree about the money thing. Dsd would be bored after day 2 as she is so used to going on "proper holidays". We took her to caravan a couple of years ago and she said it wasnt a proper holiday. she is very priviledged and gets a lot. I know what she does with her mum is nothing to do with us, but the boys are having a treat off their grandad and i just think it is nice for them to have something nice for once. Might not be anywhere exotic, but it's an adventure for them that they will appreciate whilst being so little smile I just want to make it really special for them.

needaholidaynow Sat 19-Jul-14 21:21:59

brdgrl Oh I plan on asking someone else if he stays like that. smile He has a choice, I'm not fussed either way.

needaholidaynow Sat 19-Jul-14 21:27:11

Heels as I have already said, if we waited until half term my dad would be paying over the odds. Now seeing as dsd isn't his grandchild and her actual grandparents (ILs) would be contributing zero, why should my dad pay all that money? It's a treat for his grandsons, at least one adult obviously needs to be there to look after them whilst they enjoy their treat hence why I am going and if DP wants to come he can do (with me being pregnant I could do with an extra hand as I will be 20 odd weeks by then)

Maybe83 Sat 19-Jul-14 22:24:23

In our house we would pay extra for ss or my dd to go,

We have one child each and a joint child . Both children have holidays days out with grandparents and parents. That has no baring on how we then choose to spend our family time.This year both will be away with their parents and with us and joint dd. We wouldn't then decide well them two had a holiday so we are only taking away our joint dd. We see ourselves as a family with 3 children.

If my mil offered to pay for her grandchildren and my self and dh to go away I wouldn't expect her to fund a space for my dd so I would offer to pay for her. If it was expected that my dd wouldn't attend then my dh could go with his son and our dd, same would apply the other way around. Neither of us would agree to exclude either of our children and then travel as a family with out them unless they were asked to come and didn't want to.

To be honest I wouldn't be impressed if my dh suggested this and I know he wouldn't be if I did. But not all families work the same.

broodynmoody Sat 19-Jul-14 22:36:53

Me personally it does depend on the families. Its different between resident children and non resident children. Non resident have days oit holidays treats etc with their family their mum on their own so why can't the non resident parent have holidays n treats with their resident on their own?

marne2 Sat 19-Jul-14 22:50:26

We have never taken my step children on holiday with us, mainly because they often went abroad with their mum plus we could not afford to take them ( we only went on cheap sun holidays ). They never expected to come with us tbh as our holidays didn't sound as fun as theirs.

Maybe83 Sat 19-Jul-14 23:00:34

We do things when the other children see their other parents with dd of course we do just like if we had all 3 children together there are occasions that you spend time with each child separately.

But we as a family wouldn't plan a holiday with out asking each child if they wished to come. Ours are at an age they may decide not to and may wish to stay with the other parent.

We both think that our family has 3 children in it. Not that I have two and he has two. So I can understand why the op dh is upset.

I can also understand the op might not want to spend every holiday she ever has with her sd but this scenario wouldn't be an option in the way our family works. Every family dynamic is so different which is fine it's only a problem if both partners aren't on the same page.

Heels99 Sun 20-Jul-14 07:42:41

This relationship sounds flawed all round.

Pimpf Sun 20-Jul-14 07:51:12

You sound jealous of your dsd

Nothing is fair about the situation but that's how it goes on blended families. Maybe your dp wants a holiday with his dd, after all he didn't go to turkey

EverythingCounts Sun 20-Jul-14 07:59:12

I don't see a problem with this. I doubt anyone would have expected your DSD's mum to take your boys to Turkey on the grounds that they were a family of three. All kids in the blended family will have a holiday in the autumn this way.

EverythingCounts Sun 20-Jul-14 08:01:10

Perhaps if the DP wants a holiday with his DD, he should organise and pay for one?

Maybe83 Sun 20-Jul-14 08:29:05

Of course her dsd mother wouldn't be expected to take the op children on holiday. It isn't comparable. The Dsd mother doesn't have a family of 3 the op and her dp do.

The op dp didn't organise this holiday for his sons so by your method if the op wants only her boys to go away she should have organised and paid for it.

If the op dp now said that's fine you take the boys with your dad il bring dsd so each of the children in our family gets away for a few days with a parent in this house hold I'm sure the comments would be fairly different but in my mind that would be much fairer.

Maybe83 Sun 20-Jul-14 08:35:04

Our joint dd isn't either mine or dh only child with only one of us being a step parent and I think that's why we would this scenario differently.

needaholidaynow Sun 20-Jul-14 09:04:20

Pimpf I Am far from being jealous believe me. Am I not allowed to point out the fact she is very lucky without this being seen as a negative comment? We can't afford to book a holiday for DP and his DD. the only reason this one is booked is because it was booked and paid for by someone else.

doziedoozie Sun 20-Jul-14 09:06:31

Surely DD is older. Does she want a holiday with presumably two little ones?

And take her out of school?

It's only a week, just go.

needaholidaynow Sun 20-Jul-14 09:26:45

Doozie DSD will be 9 by then.
Boys are 3 and 1

The school will not allow another week off school practically straight after having one already. This would put us at risk of a fine. DS starts school in September 2015 and there will be no way I will be taking him out of school for a holiday. My dad just wants them to have some fun while they are so little before they go off to school themselves. If DSD was my own daughter then my dad would have to pay more if he chose to do this, just as he will have to when DS1 starts school next year. Maybe if ever books a holiday in the future for during the half term because he has to because of DS1 being at school, that will be when we take DSD?

Now I think she IS his granddaughter - 3 children, 3 grandchildren to be treated equally, regardless of genetics.

needaholidaynow Sun 20-Jul-14 09:31:56

Oh, another point as well:
If it was us booking this holiday or any holiday for that matter, we would wait until half term so that we could take DSD. This is just one holiday, and I'm extremely grateful.

Pastperfect Sun 20-Jul-14 09:32:35

Your DH has three children. I can understand why he feels bad about excluding one.

What DSD does with her mother is largely irrelevant, she is being excluded and at nine years old I imagine that'd be quite painful

ChiefBillyNacho Sun 20-Jul-14 09:32:39

I think it's fair enough in the circum

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