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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

BFs 'daughter-wife'

17 replies

Ghirly · 18/07/2014 23:48

Wonder if anyone can give me a wee bit of advice.
Started seeing someone recently who has his 15 year old daughter living with him and his 8 yr old lives with her mum but sees her dad every single week.
The 15 yr old has taken on the role of 'mother' and enjoys this new status. Her relationship with her mother isn't good.

Her dad broached the subject of him getting a girlfriend and his daughter went crazy saying no way will he have one and if he did she would "make her life hell"!
So we are conducting this new relationship secretly.

My children know about him and are fine with it.

My question is, how long do you think is acceptable to keep sneaking around behind his daughters back?

Her dad isn't keen to rock the boat considering the awful time his daughter has had with her mum and I sympathise but I'm not comfortable with the secrecy.....

Just to add, so as not to drop feed, I have known the guy and his daughters for a few years so I wouldn't be a stranger. (Not sure that makes a difference)

OP posts:

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Ghirly · 18/07/2014 23:48

*drip feed

OP posts:

Ghirly · 18/07/2014 23:50

And also, I have no intention of being a 'step mum', I just posted here as I thought some of you would have experienced hostile children.....

OP posts:

Heels99 · 18/07/2014 23:52

Who is the dd mothering? The other child?

It's early days, let it pan out a bit more before choosing to tell the dd, she has clearly been through a lot. I say this as someone whose DM put relationships above her kids.
Patience is a virtue in these situations

AuntieStella · 18/07/2014 23:53

"Started seeing someone recently"

How recent?

antimatter · 18/07/2014 23:54

yes, patience pays
how many months have you been seeing each other?

Ghirly · 19/07/2014 00:30

Only been together 2 months so very early days.
The eldest daughter is mothering her dad.... Well acting more like the 'woman of the house' if that makes any sense.

OP posts:

Heels99 · 19/07/2014 06:28

Well I guess she is the woman of the house! There isn't another one! It is very early days, give it time.

purpleroses · 19/07/2014 07:10

I'm not sure. I think "giving it time" could well mean sneaking around, lying to DSD, potentially getting caught out. As she lives with him there's not really any way he can see you and not tell her without lying is there?

And time for what? She's not using the time to come to terms with her dad having a GF as she doesn't know he has. After he's told her you might want to give her a bit of time then to get used to the idea but nothing's happening yet.

I'm afraid I'd read your BF's reluctance to tell her as a sign that he's either spineless and unwilling to parent her (which doesn't bode well) or he's not really that serious about his relationship with you - , which is OK I guess if you're not all that sure either yet but if you are then things are clearly going nowhere if her won't tell the DD he lives with.

quietlysuggests · 19/07/2014 07:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JabberJabberJay · 19/07/2014 08:11

What does a 'mother role' even mean? Is it that she has taken on responsibility for caring for her younger sibling? For cooking and cleaning for her father? If so then i'd feel a bit uneasy. 15 year olds should be given some responsibility of course but I would feel a bit uneasy about a child taking on a lot of household responsibilities - presumably with the agreement of her father. Makes his life easier does it?

Your new BF doesn't come across well in your OP honestly. He sounds a bit weak all round.

On the other hand, your relationship is still very new. I don't think it's unreasonable to wait longer than 2 months before introducing you. If she's had a tough time with her mother, it is especially sensible.

thebluehen · 19/07/2014 09:51

Mini wife syndrome is not uncommon in this situation.

It's not about housework really, more about her emotional status within the home. I would be interested to know why she left her mums care? Was she trying to be "top dog" there and couldn't be? She obviously feels threatened massively by another woman and it smacks of lack of self esteem.

If your bf isn't prepared to parent her and show her that he's the adult and he's entitled to an adult life whilst also caring and supporting her, then I'm afraid it doesn't bode well.

It sounds like he's going to expect you to come second place to his daughter because she's the one who is emotionally blackmailing him.

Heels99 · 19/07/2014 10:57

But they have only been going out together 2 months!

thebluehen · 19/07/2014 11:45

And the daughter has told her dad she will make any girlfriends of his life "hell".

Perhaps he needs to talk to his daughter and see what's going on here? Two months or two years that attitude won't change by itself.

brdgrl · 20/07/2014 00:09

OP, it is very possible that what you are seeing is a very real thing called spousification. I encourage you to read up on it.

Sometimes it means that the child has wife-like responsibilities; sometimes it is just wife-like "privileges" and in fact the girl may be quite infantalised in other ways.

It is (as you are probably picking up on!) very damaging not just to any romantic relationship by the adult, but also damaging to sibling relationships, and - especially - to the child herself.

My DSD was 13 when I met her and it was a classic case. DH and I talked to a counselor about it, and he worked very hard to turn it around and 're-parent' DSD, to allow her to be the child, and to have appropriate roles and boundaries within the family.

brdgrl · 20/07/2014 00:11

Oh, but to answer your other question - I would stop 'sneaking around'. You're adults. Its up to your BF to deal with his DD.

Ghirly · 25/07/2014 00:01

Thank you brdgrl, you speak a lot of sense (also on other threads I always agree with things you say.)

The girl is very 'young' in other ways. Her father has probably cut her too much slack in the past and is now suffering the consequence.

I see him when he has his youngest child as I have a child the same age and they have been friends for a few years so we have an 'excuse' to let them see each other.

I think that as the relationship is so new I'm happy to keep things secret and easy for the time being but I know that if it continues then I would like to be more open which would entail telling the older child and facing the 'wrath' of an angry teenager.

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Ghirly · 25/07/2014 00:05

thebluehen the girls relationship with her mother isn't good because she didn't take the split very well, she blamed her mum for it as it was her who ended the marriage and moved out of the home.

They have been seeing each other but it is still a very rocky relationship.

Her mother has a boyfriend now whom the eldest DD resents and has made her regress in the relationship with her mum.

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