We can't help DSD18 with Uni costs now DP has lost his job

[Thursdaygirl]

A bit of history: DP has two daughters, one aged 14, the other aged 18, planning to start University in September. He currently pays maintenance for both of them, and when the oldest starts University, he stops paying maintenance for her, so we will pay this sum to her directly, to help with her University costs. Everyone, including the ex, is happy with this.

But yesterday we found out that DP is being made redundant on 31 August. Obviously we hope he’ll get another job soon, but there are no guarantees. We can just about survive on my salary, plus we assume DP will get some sort of Job Seekers allowance, but if we have to find maintenance and/or University money, then we wouldn’t be able to pay the bills and mortgage. It’s not a goodwill issue; it’s a balance-sheet issue. There simply isn’t enough money to run our household, and pay maintenance/University allowance.

DP (sort of) accepts that maintenance is based on his income, and therefore no income equates to minimal maintenance. But it’s the University issue that we’re in disagreement over. He insists that because we promised financial help, then we must deliver. He’s trying to find out how much Job Seekers he’d get, and has been suggesting that he could pay this to his eldest daughter, in an attempt to keep his promise. Very noble, but we’ll need every penny of any benefits to keep our household going.

Whilst I’m disappointed that we won’t be able to help his eldest daughter in the short term, I will not be happy at all if he gives her his benefits, rather than contributing to the household coffers. Surely you give financial support to students if you have disposable income, not at the expense of our mortgage and utilities? It’s like he’d literally take food off our table to ensure his daughter has University help, I think he’s got his proprieties wrong. And yes, I know we made her a promise, but a promise can’t be ring-fenced against redundancy. If there’s far less to go round, then surely everyone gets a smaller share of the pie? Plenty of kids don’t get monthly allowances when they go the University, I know this means they run up big overdrafts etc, but until DP gets another job, we simply won’t have enough coming in each month to help. This morning I’ve been thinking that I could get a second job, but (and AIBU?) should I really have to get a second job because DP plans to spend his dole money on his daughter rather than on our mortgage FFS?

Do I sound awful?

[WaffleWiffle]

My parents did not contribute to my university costs in any way (they couldn't afford to) and I managed fine. I got a job and started living in the real world!

[Wait4nothing]

It is very likely if his daughter doesn't live with you she will have apied for maintenance loans and bursarys based on her mothers family income. So the extra money from her dad would be just that - an extra. I would explain the situation to her and say your family will help out wherever possible. And if he gets a job maybe offer to pay off some overdrafts that she may have run up?

[purpleroses]

He'll get probably about £70 a week jobseekers allowance. He has no business promising this to his DD and expecting you to meet all the households bills from your own income, without agreeing that jointly with you!

His DD should be able to get a student loan to cover both her tuition fees and a grant or loan towards the cost of living - this will be based on her mum's household income. The student loan people assume that it is that household that supports her, not yours. So either her mum's on a low income - and she'll get he maximum grant or her mum's on a higher income and she should be helping to support her DD too. After all, she won't be paying for her at home any more will she? Either way his DD will be no worse off than many other students who just have one household's income to support them.

I think the promise he made to her was no more than stating his expectations based on his current income.

Good luck to him with his job hunting. Hopefully it's only a short term problem.

[PajamaQueen]

I was pretty much going to say what purpleroses says. Just to add - I understand he promised her to help with the uni costs but things happen and circumstances change. It's not like any of this planned. Plenty of people have to take a drop in maintenance because of unforeseen circumstances like someone loosing their job - that's just how life can be. She's an adult now and should be slowly starting to stand on her own two feet.

If he finds another job along the same sort of wage and still wants to contribute to Uni - maybe he can then deposit something towards it when he is more able to afford it and back on his feet -

Good luck with the job hunting!

[Frontier]

I think it's natural that he's feeling terrible about all this. Losing your job is awful and you need the support of those you love, you dont need to be told how many people you're letting down.

The new term is ages away, use the time and your energies to support him in finding a new job rather than fighting over a situation that will hopefullybe resolved before it even happens

[Rummikub]

Go on the student finance England website. This will show him what his dd will be getting. Total up maintenance loan and maintenance grant. This might allay his fears that his dd will be skint. Of course once he is working again then he can contribute the extra he wants to.

[nomoretether]

This is what student loans are for - and remember it's a loan she'll never pay back unless she earns enough.
I agree with you - if the money isn't there, he can't pay it. I assume he will be able to get a new job and the situation can be assessed again when that happens.

[Thursdaygirl]

The other factor is guilt - he's always spent a lot on his girls, to compensate (IMO) for the break-up of their parents. He's always prided himself on being a better cash machine than their mother (god knows why he feels the need to compete) and I don't think the "we can't afford it" argument is having any impression on him at all. He's hellbent on retaining his Preferred Parent status, probably at the expense of keeping a roof over our heads.

[mummytime]

If her mother doesn't have much income then she should return to finance England and tell them of the change in her Dad's finances, and it may change her loan and other finances (for the better).
Your DH needs to find out more about how University is financed nowadays eg read this

[purpleroses]

On the plus side, if he is out of work he can drive her to and from Uni, be available on the phone if she wants to speak, spend more time with DD2 - it's sad when dads seem rest so much of their sense of value on providing money. It's absolutely not the only thing dads are good for, and maybe he needs reminding of this!

Does DSD have any savings of her own? If so then time to draw on them maybe - that's what savings are for, a rainy day. If not, then could she try and get a summer job so she does have a bit of a buffer by the time she starts Uni? A lot of students have part time jobs too, which unless they're doing a really tough course, is probably good for them

[PajamaQueen]

Following on from your last post *Thursday - how long does he want to be the "cash machine"? It's got to end somewhere. She's an adult - or is he going to continue giving her hand outs when she's married and so on. How is that going to help her learn to be responsible about basic bills and managing your income?

Continuing to be her "any time cash card" is going to do her more harm than good.

[Mitzi50]

Does DSD live with you? If she is resident and your income drops by 15% (which your DP obviously will) you can apply to have your income reassessed for this year and she could qualify for a full maintenence grant which is not repayable (about £5-6K I think). If she lives with her mother, it will have been assessed on her mother's income not your DP - if this is below £22k, she will still qualify for a full maintenance grant. Also some universities have bursaries for students from low income families, so worth informing her uni as well. She will still have to take a loan for fees , but I think the advice is to take the loan as it is predicted that many people will never have to repay the full amount (you would need to double check this for accuracy)