AIBU to expect to be told...

(86 Posts)
Gettingmeback Mon 23-Jun-14 08:14:02

That my DSD will be with us full time for the next month? DH told me today and DSD comes tomorrow. We have 50/50 and her mum is going on holiday for 4 weeks so she is staying with us. DH says 'I forgot' which to give you some history is not a one off but a regular occurrence. I don't have an issue with DSD staying, we have a good relationship but I do enjoy my time when it's just us. We don't have any DC other than DSD. We both work full time but DH works shift work so I do a lot of looking after DSD. AIBU to ask that I be included in discussions? DHs DM will help up but she has been aware of this for ages.

Petal02 Mon 23-Jun-14 11:58:09

DSS went off to Uni last September, which is why life has changed. Interestingly DH and I haven't had any major rows since then ..... however I don't want to sound too smug, as the long summer break is nearly upon us and who knows what that will bring.

But prior to that, DH would far rather upset me than the ex, for some reason it was far more important to keep her sweet. Heaven knows why.

Gettingmeback Mon 23-Jun-14 12:03:34

DSD is only 10. We're a long way off uni! And I know from reading on here it doesn't stop just because DSC become adults.

Elizabeth120914 Mon 23-Jun-14 12:28:25

I totally get this!

My OH would rather inconvenience me - not that he noticed that's what it is than his mother or ex.

Before now he has gone to work on a weekends access and arranged nothing he thinks because we are a 'family' that means that I should look after her if he's busy! This is the same with MIL he thinks he's dad of the year as she's here every weekend but that's here with everyone not him he's never done a day on his own ever..

It's very difficult to complain a few times I've put my foot down but then I'm horrible etc and she suffers good luck with it I've made a rod for my own back big style it sucks sad

Petal02 Mon 23-Jun-14 12:45:22

He thinks he's Dad of the Year as she's here every weekend, but he's never done a day on his own ever ....

The phrase "access by proxy" springs to mind here. Your DH thinks that providing the child is under his roof, then access is taking place, even if he's not around.

alwaystryingtobeafriend Mon 23-Jun-14 13:06:50

If my DP rocked up and said this to me I would have started world war 3! As much as I love DPs kids I too like my time alone with DP. He is different around them and so am I. So a full month with them would probably drive me crazy. But it's the consultation part that would bother me the most. Yanbu at all in my opinion. It's only fair/ decent/ respectful to consult you. If you ha your own children it may not seem like as big a deal but you don't and as much a you knew he had kids when you met him - he knew you didn't and he Gould respect that too. I hope you can talk to him and just tell him how you feel and whilst you know he likes to 'forget' to tell you something tell him it hurt your feelings and you only go nuts because you weren't consulted and asked your opinion. Maybe he doesn't realise how bad it makes you feel when he does this? Xx

Gettingmeback Mon 23-Jun-14 13:30:44

Elizabeth - are you planning to take that rod out of your back? I know what you're saying. I thought before actually experiencing it, I could it. Then we i realised I had set myself up fir something I couldn't maintain, then I felt bad for changing hat I was prepared to do. But I did it. Then most things worked out ok except obviously original OP. Which is huge for our future relationship.
Always - we've been at this point a lot so I know he knows how it affects me. What I don' t understand is how he thinks that not communicating leads to a better outcome than if he just tells me! Of course, I would prefer the 50/50 but I get that DSDs mum wants to go on holidays, same as we do, and DH needs to step up. I feel like because DH and I don't have DC, there is more pressure on me. But, from what I read on here, that us not the case and if we did have our own, I think the story would still be the same.

Can I just say thank you to everyone who has replied. You have helped me more than you would know. I don' t have anyone in RL that I can't talk to because you have to be a SP to fully understand the complex dynamic. I'm a stalker and new poster!

Gettingmeback Mon 23-Jun-14 13:32:10

Sorry for typos. Still quite angry and upset. Hitting the keys on the ipad very hard!

Petal02 Mon 23-Jun-14 13:53:31

I don’t understand how he thinks not communicating leads to a better outcome

Not communicating means that (a) he presents the new arrangements as a fait accompli right at the last minute, when it’s too late to do anything about it; and (b) there’s no risk of a row when you discuss proposed changes, because the discussion never takes place!

So not communicating does, at least in the (very) short term, lead to a better outcome for him. He gets his own way by default.

alwaystryingtobeafriend Mon 23-Jun-14 14:31:06

It's a really shady position to be put in. I think considering you live there and are responsible for the child too the least he could do wa talk to you about it. Is feel exactly the same in your position. Being a SP is not easy! I just pray it gets more manageable as the years go by. I can live in hope!! Xxx

Gettingmeback Mon 23-Jun-14 14:36:38

Ok so currently not speaking to DH about life. But , we are due today to go together to an info night to a new job he wants to do. He's a police officer and this is a specialist field of work. We've been working together for the last couple of years for him to be fit to apply. He will want me with him for the info night. And I feel I need to go if we are to have a future. Any suggestions about how I attend but still let him know how disrespected and let down I am feeling? (Not to mention questioning our marriage altogether)

alwaystryingtobeafriend Mon 23-Jun-14 14:42:49

If it was me and my DP I would tell him that your proud of him going for a better job and you will support him 100% but things need to change in your relationship if you are going to have a happy future together. Maybe set some time aside after the info night or the next day or so to have a full on cards on the table chat. Tell him that you were unhappy and why and how you think he could have approached it.

It's just what I would do. You clearly love the man and just feel a bit disrespected and he needs to know. Good luck to you and DP. Xxx

Gettingmeback Mon 23-Jun-14 14:59:09

Thanks Always. I do love him. And mostly he does all the DSD care as he should. But when things go beyond what he can work with, we end up here. I want to go to the info night with him. But, if he gets the job. What then! I asked him about this. He said 'that's the least of my worries. I have to get in first'. That's true. But the course even before you get a spot is 3 months training. Ok, I can hear the issues coming out of my mouth as I write them.

Petal02 Mon 23-Jun-14 15:04:58

Blimey, there are a lot of issues you're going to need to thrash out. For example, if he's working away, then he simply can't have access (unless you're prepared to have DSD in his absence, which is pretty pointless IMO, access is supposed to be about parent/child spending time together, not the child spending time at the parents house in their absence with a 3rd party).

I can imagine he doesn't want to discuss these issues at present - probably because he's got tonight on his mind, and also because he's well aware there isn't an answer that will suit all parties, so he'll do the usual male thing of kicking the problem into the long grass for the time being ...

Gettingmeback Mon 23-Jun-14 15:25:37

I feel like such a dick. I read back my last post about him doing a course for 3 months and how the details of this are ' the last thing from his mind'. WTF.

Petal02 Mon 23-Jun-14 15:47:13

So is he potentially going to be away for 3 months? If that's the case, then he won't be having access for 3 months. What if he was in the forces and found himself being despatched to the Falklands for 3 months? If he was still married to DSD's Mum, then he'd go off and do his posting, and then start again with everyone when he got back. Why should this be different just because he's separated from his child's mother?

Petal02 Mon 23-Jun-14 15:50:44

Or is it more likely that he'll be away Mon-Fri for 3 months, and will expect to have DSD every weekend, leaving you with no 'couple time' at all? And before anyone starts saying that bio parents don't get specific couple time, lets remember that the OP is not the bio parent here.

Gettingmeback Mon 23-Jun-14 15:55:07

Will reply tomorrow. On the other side of the world. But our cultures are exactly the same. Thank you ladies.

NatashaBee Mon 23-Jun-14 15:55:28

I would go to the info night, just so you can discuss it with him afterwards and ask him what his plans are for access if he will be on training. Make it clear from the start that you will not be covering for him.

I feel your pain... it's so difficult.

Petal02 Mon 23-Jun-14 15:57:03

I agree with Natashabee. And if you're there tonight, you'll get to hear all the relevant info about training, courses, time away from home - you'll get the 'correct' version, not a 'watered down' version that he wants you to hear.

Gettingmeback Mon 23-Jun-14 16:19:10

Thank you Tash and Petal. I will go to the info night. But, he will see this as us being ok. It will be up to me to bring it up. And, what do,I say is the issue?

Petal02 Mon 23-Jun-14 16:22:32

I'd say the issue is: "if you need to go away on a 3 month training course, you'll need to give the ex plenty of notice as obviously access will be changing." That's not a "what do you plan to do" question, you've made it clear in your statement that you won't be carrying out access for him. I wonder what he'd do if you weren't in the picture????? You need to be clear from the outset that if he's away, then DSD won't be coming over.

superhands Mon 23-Jun-14 16:29:17

Re the new job. He should do what most women have to do when they want a shiny new job and see if they can practically do it with regards to childcare before they spend 3 months on a course.

Petal02 Mon 23-Jun-14 16:32:57

Very good point Superhands.

Elizabeth120914 Mon 23-Jun-14 17:41:49

Totally agree with the above oh used to work away Monday to Friday it meant our only time was with daughter and he was knackered it was really really tough .. Also if he had to do anything in that time it meant yes u guessed it I got dumped with it!

I think it's an excellent point about them not coming to see a third party but sadly that's the way it is in our house and she gravitates to me unless i go out which is ridiculous... Who thought it the step parent pushing the child to spend time with the bio one...!!

Don't think there's any way to remove the rod from me she wants to spend time with me so we are stuck really. Hopefully as she gets older she might gravitate towards dad again more.

OH isn't allowed to work away anymore he has had to find local work it was that or split.

Does your oh see you as a family together mines likes is all together he doesn't see that she's not my child - but he's not entertaining her either! He doesn't feel uncomfortable when she's here or can't be totally relaxed so he doesn't get how I feel about being on our own. How do u broach that really ? It's tough hope u can work it out x

Petal02 Mon 23-Jun-14 17:52:35

In an ideal world, if your DH was working away Monday-Friday, and had a 50/50 access arrangement, this would be pro-rata'd down so that only 50% of his time at home (not 50% of the entire week) would be taken up with access.

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