Advice needed!

[Vikki4000]

Hi all,

I've been a step-mum for about 15 years now. Things have had there ups and downs, but seem to be going rapidly down hill recently. Situation is, as they all are, complicated;

17 year old step son, has appeared to be fine, but this year has been struggling with big emotions bubbling up. His mum has spent the last 17 years slagging his dad off to anyone that will listen, and treating his dad with no respect. This seems to be rubbing off, as step son is taking dad for granted, expecting dad to do everything, pay for everything, with no appreciation.

My step-daughter is 19 and has learning difficulties. she is really close to her dad, but needs help to buy a card, pressie, or do anything like that.

Dad has I think been a good parent, giving lots of time to his kids, staying near by, they've always come over at least 1/3rd of the time, with good relationships on the whole.

I think things have been generally good, but tend to blow up on Fathers Day, Dad's Birthday and Christmas. Things spark off because the children's mum makes things very difficult at these times, refusing access, not helping the kids get a nice card, showing no recognition of the efforts he makes as a dad.

So, this year, I got really upset when yet again, no effort was made, by ex-wife or son, to treat dad nicely. This is despite us doing masses to support ex and step-daughter through some difficulties recently (whole other story), including step-daughter moving in with us for much of the time, with everyone's support and agreement.

I seem to be the only one that recognises the efforts, pain, work, time, sleepless nights etc. that my partner puts in supporting his kids. He is the only one that recognises the efforts that I make. Is this always going to be the case?

I, probably wrongly?, showed for the first time that I was upset at the way his mum made no effort helping step daughter even getting him a card. She had been at mums all the previous week, as we'd had her the previous 3 weeks. I feel that my step son is old enough to see that sometimes his mum does things to hurt us. We have both agreed to try and hide this for years, to protect him, but I have got increasingly worried that he thinks his mums behaviour is fine, even though she's upset lots of friends, family, work colleagues by being thoughtless or self centred. She doesn't ever deliberately hurt people, but she does still do it frequently. We live in a small community, so word gets back. The ex also spends a lot of time slagging me and my partner off to anyone who will listen, we've deliberately said nothing.

As emotions are coming out, my step son has said that he "puts up with me". My partner says that it's nothing I've done, but the fact that I exist, so it's not personal! His parents were divorced too, and he says any step mum is seen as a block to the children and father spending time together, and influencing the father, no matter if it's true or not.

Will this change? Is it just a stage? I know it's better than him saying he hates me, so perhaps I'm over-reacting?

In some ways, I just feel like not bothering with my step-son at all, but what good would that do? Should I just accept that he's never going to appreciate his dad, let alone me?

Should we try and counter some of the lies his mum has said about us with him, that he seems to believe? E.g. that we didn't want him with us at Christmas when he was little, when the reality was, his mum wouldn't let us have them over.

Should I try and help my step-son more, and suggest things that he could do for his dad? he had said that he's get up and make dad breakfast, and woke him up when there was no sign of him, but he just stayed in bed and did nothing this year.

How should I handle my emotions when they do things that upset me or my partner?

I feel we need to be more honest as he gets older, and be clear that sometimes things are not okay, and that things he does or his mum does are not nice ways of going about things.

The more I think about it, and look into info on line, it seems that as a step mum, it really doesn't matter what you do, you will be vilified and hated by the ex and the step children, so part of me thinks sod it, just ignore it all.... but it's my home too, and I can't bear to see my partner treated badly.

Your thoughts will be much appreciated! Thank you.

[Kaluki]

I'm afraid my advice is to say six it and ignore it all tbh
Things haven't changed up to now so they aren't likely to if you speak out - in fact it could have the opposite effect and reinforce what their mum has been saying about you.

[Kaluki]

Six it???
I mean sod it!!!

[Vikki4000]

Thanks, I will try to.

[MummyA1984]

Have u got children of your own?

I actually agree with pp I do tend to have the "sod it" attitude these days with things like this when it comes to ss, but me and dh have two kids together and one on the way and our kids together adore my dh, love making a fuss over him and show him lots of affection so I feel dh doesn't really take it to heart as much that ss doesn't care about anyone in this family...

However, your ss is at an awkward age, I think most teens go through this phase and have a poor attitude towards their parents. I think your ss and sd will see for themselves you're not bad people and haven't ever had the desire for them not to visit etc.

I think your dh should be careful not to become bank of dad, make sure it's not just one hand out after another. I think that goes for any parent with kids that age whether they live with them full time or not. Good luck with it all. It can be so stressful, often feels like being a step parent is a totally thankless role.

[Vikki4000]

Thanks mummy, no I don't have my own kids, so makes it difficult to know what's normal sometimes. I do think my other half should stand up for himself more sometimes, and we should get ss to earn his handouts a bit more... but let them all carry on, sounds like a good option.... It really helps getting other peoples thoughts so thanks for making the effort.

[wifeandmotherandlotsofother]

Vikki - you sound like a lovely person and you can feel how much you want your partner to be appreciated. I have 3 children and an 8 year old stepson. (with a similar mother to your step children's but that's a whole other story!)

My 8 year old stepson seems supremely unaware of the efforts made by anyone in this house to make life pleasant for him and absolutely takes it all for granted. I have always had the view that it's because he is a child and all children are blissfully unaware of what parents do.

If it helps at all, of my 3 children, I only have my youngest still at home, and she remains the only one in the blissfully unaware of effort category. The older 2 have both said that the only realised how lovely their life at home was, was when they went away to uni.

Maybe when your 17 year old ss is ploughing his own field, he will be more appreciative?

ps - if you solve the dilemma re the mum's behaviours and lies and how to ensure the kids know not that it's not okay but still protect them from it, I'm all ears

[mswc101]

wow - im in a family unit with similar things going on - teenage SS who is a rude, lazy, disrespectful spoilt brat. My husband wont speak up about things to the BM. BM who say inappropriate things to SS. I do only have the one SC, so you seem to get the double whammy there... I have had to take to just ignoring the whole situation - but I do struggle with the fact that my husband can find it in his heart to be awful to me at time (the woman he supposedly loves??!!) yet he is too scared to regain control of his balls from her - for the sake of us as well as his sons future and upbringing. I have a very big effing whatever basket atm that it all goes into :( I find myself removing myself physically from the presence of SS because I just feel so bitter and resentful of the whole situation. *lobs all that in the overfull effing whatever basket too....

[brdgrl]

I am not really going to respond to the stuff about the ex, because 1, I don't think it is your immediate problem (focus on the kids and the stuff you can control!) and 2, I just don't really have any experience or advice to offer.

Re: the DSC...I understand that your DSD needs help doing things like sorting out pressies, but your DSS is 17. It's really just up to him at this point. If he can't be arsed to think of his dad or do something nice, at this point, he's the one responsible. Since he has been told that there is an expectation that he make an effort, and he chooses not to, I think you have to just accept that he's going to be a prick in this regard, and not mention it again. He may shape up, who knows...

More generally, I also have a DSS, about to turn 17. He and I had a very good relationship in the past, but for the last year or so he's been difficult - in all the ways you describe, and not just to me but to DH. There's no ex winding him up, and a lot of it I am afraid is just age-related. He wouldn't give me many stars at the moment, I know, but I see it as a long game. :) I get more frustrated with my DH's lack of sensible responses than I do DSS, at this point.