Vote now - lock ded out or not?

[BuzzLightbulb]

11 was curfew, now getting on for 1125, the whole being back when agreed has been a major issue for weeks.

I thought DSD was going to her dads tonight but she turned up and was all sweetness and light.

DP is out, do I lock and bolt the door?

Dads house is a 15 min walk, but he doesn't want to deal with her, we've had her four months full time, he then ad one week and it was enough fr him.

[whereisshe]

How old is she?

[nomoretether]

No. Just no.

[Tappergirl]

YES

[rootypig]

What??? No. Get a fucking grip. The curfew is presumably to keep her safe. You seem to have lost sight of sanity this.

If she's late, she doesn't go out next time.

Fuck's sake, lock her out, are you fucking kidding me.

[brdgrl]

There was a thread on here recently where someone asked this about her own DD, and she was given a resounding "yes!" - I don't think you will get that, though.

Personally, I couldn't do it. I can't remember how old she is? But no matter how angry I was, I'd be too worried about something happening to her to really follow through.

Having said that - I know you have had on-going issues about this, so I do think a Serious Consequence is in order. Can she be grounded? Or will she just hide behind the second household to get around that? I know if it was my DSD (well, in the past, she is 19 now!), she'd not be allowed to go out for the next few weekends. However, we were able to enforce that, so it worked.

What does she have that you can withdraw? That's always the question.

[BuzzLightbulb]

16

Her reason she can make all her own decisions, but not take the consequences if any if them.

Any agreement to be in by any time is never met, apparently we make her life hell etc etc. eing late fr school is cool, homework is not for cool kids.

She has the safety blanket of keys to her dads house. So were not putting her out on the street.
Not my decision to give her a rude awakening, however I am home alone.

Evil laugh

[rootypig]

Every time I was late at that age I didn't go out the next week. No argument, no drama, no discussion.

Those keys to her dad's house are your safety blanket by the way, not hers.

[BuzzLightbulb]

Yeah if only he would go through her.

But he has a nice comfy home life, without her because she's been ft with us. When DP suggested it was his time to be the parent his reply was negative to say the least.

Anything that interferes with his social life he's not interested. She's too much of a problem for him to put any effort into, so it's down to us.well DP.

[rootypig]

My aunt says, all you can do is keep your own side of the street clean....

[whereisshe]

I wouldn't lock a 16 year old out, you're responsible for her safety and it's the middle of the night.

[Kaluki]

Detach!!!
Go to bed and leave her to her mum to deal with it!!
I know it's tough but locking her out will just cause more trouble.
From what I have read of your posts your problem is that her mum is too soft and no matter how hard you try to discipline her it will not work because that is her parents job and if they arent up to it she will carry on as she is with no consequences.
Keep that bag packed and ready to go!!!

[BuzzLightbulb]

It's the goldfish memory that's the problem.

We still have issues over what happened a cpl weeks go but she has no cognisance of doing anything wrong.

And that's the problem with having shared care, we swap on Mondays so she can do anything over the weekend and by the time she's back she's forgotten everything .

[Tappergirl]

She is 16, old enough to have sex, get married with parental consent and should act her age. She doesn't respect the adults putting a roof over head so she needs to learn how to do so. She is taking the proverbial p*ss. I agree with OP on this one I'm afraid. I am still hearing 18 yo overhead making lots of noise in bedroom and bathroom and I feel like throttling her as she does not accept house rules or adult down time. They really don't grow up until they have their own life challenges thrown in their direction.

[BuzzLightbulb]

Whereas she

As she points out, she's responsible fr herself, she's 16.

We can't involve the police, we've talked to the school, but were not that keen to provide a laundry service at her convenience.

My concern is she's being completely controlled by her boyfriend, until they started going out she was becoming a reasonable young lady. His life has been ruled and structured by his patents I'm worried he is as controlling with her.

I know he has her phone pin, and has answered texts from her closest friends. Which they are not happy about.

Just watching them walk down the street tonight, she was half a step behind ll the way like a pet dog.

[Tappergirl]

Oh and 18 yo has to get up for work at 7am. Now she's down in the kitchen. I have shut the lounge door cos I cant stand the noise. Yes, father has gone to bed, to avoid the issues we have over his kids!

[rootypig]

That doesn't sound good, and your observations and concern are positive, but going into battle with her won't help. She does sound absolutely infuriating but if your concern is her wellbeing, the lynchpin has to be that she always feels welcome and safe in your home (bar any abuse - from her, I mean).

[BuzzLightbulb]

1215

I've had abut five hours sleep a night this week because of her, had an interview for a job today that I winged.

Am absolutely knackered, I'm guessing all the parental concern b/f parents showed in the week when DP went round to talk to them is firstly conditional on them being home and not at he pub, secondly actually carrying it out.

When I mentioned being at school on time to b/f this morning. I got a grunt.

[Tappergirl]

God leave! The whole situation seems like hell. I don't often say this to people cos I know it is so easy to say by others, and so hard to do in reality.

If it makes you laugh, I now have to deal with a dog who is petrified of storms and going ape!!

[BuzzLightbulb]

Hmmm, cat has gone AWOL now after DSD let him out when she came back late yesterday.

If only you knew the hysterics when she let her own cat out, but this is her brothers so...

[nomoretether]

Honestly you sound like you need to get out. She doesn't sound worse than a lot of teenagers. That's not to excuse her behaviour - she's inconsiderate and it's not acceptable but that's what happens at this age!
Your posts come across as quite petty sometimes. I'm sure that's a result of the sheer frustration of not being heard in this situation but it won't be doing you any favours.
Also sounds like the boyfriend is a major worry. The last thing you want to be doing is alienating her into the arms of someone who is controlling enough to reply to her friends texts.

[Happybeard]

She does sound a nightmare in all of your posts but that aside... Confused as to why she has a curfew at 16.

I moved out at 16 so the concept seems rather odd although I feel like these days kids get far more privileges than we had at their equivalent ages, yet half the responsibilities, so maybe I'm out of touch.

What would happen if you lifted the curfew? If she's rebelling by coming in late you may just find that with no incentive she stops.

What is she doing when she's out?

I personally don't think locking her out will achieve much. So I'd say not to on that basis rather than a hysterical "will somebody think of the children!!" Basis

[KatieKaye]

A curfew at 16 is perfectly normal for someone living in the parental home, isn't it? and 11pm is more than generous.
I wouldn't lock her out. But I would sit her down and tell her that she has to start taking some responsibility for her own life and also being considerate of others. It will be like talking to a brick wall at first, but keep persevering.

[Eastpoint]

We were told at a parenting talk at school not to sit them down & talk when they get in late but to save the chat for the next day as you are more likely to have a row at this point which won't help things long term.

[Happybeard]

I think that a better rule would be that she comes home when she says she will. Then she's being taught to show respect for the fact she's living in her parents home and they may worry, but also having her independence.

If she doesn't let you know when she's coming home or comes home later then there's a consequence. Although that's hard when there's a bad news boyfriend on the scene as she's kind of pushed toward him if you do anything too much. I remember very clearly at that age being so ready for independence.

Out of interest, why does she need to be home for 11?

[Happybeard]

But then at 16 I had a job and bought my own groceries etc so I earned my independence through being responsible - that's the difference as this teen wants independence with no responsibility