I am in the worst situation EVER!!!(163 Posts)
I am in the worst situation I have EVER been in, in my life.
Dd 1 is 11 and dd (with current partner) is 5. I am Dad and dd1 stays every other weekend.
Dp parents are both 60 this year, and celebrating a special wedding anniversary. Dp and her family are extremely close and they have been fantastic with me and dd 1. Even though my own family have been awful to dp and dd 2 over the years. (Things r better now, ps dp was not the other woman before you ask) my family were just very unfair and for no reason. Dd1 has always, and will always be the favourite no question about it.
Yesterday dp's parents announced that they have booked and paid for a holiday for dp, dd 2 and I to celebrate their special year. Not just anywhere, but to disney world for this year!!! We have really struggled the last few years financially and haven't had a holiday at all, and I am overwhelmed that they have done this for us - dd 2 would love it. They are so excited.
Dd 1 has been to Disney world 4 times but I have never been. How the hell can I go to Disney without dd 1 too? I haven't even got the money to add her to the holiday.
We have discussed this with dps parents and they felt awful about the situation but they havent got the money to pay for dd1 either, but really wanted to share this experience with their daughter, granddaughter and myself before they get too old and knowing we will probably never be able to afford to take dd2.They are by no means flush, and I do appreciate their generosity, it must have taken them ages to save. But I am now in the most shitty position ever!
If I go, I would feel awful on dd1, if I don't go I will feel awful on dd2 and would feel ungrateful to dps parents.
I am in catch 22 and cannot sleep or think about anything else!! What the hell.
Do I not go and deprive dd2 the holiday of a lifetime (dp would not want to go without me but has been great in sharing my - to put it lightly, unease about this situation) and maybe never have the opportunity again, knowing that my dd 1 will go with my parents next year? Or do I go and upset and hurt dd 1 when the problem for me is not about who has been but rather the fact that I would have only had this wonderful experience with 1 of my dd's!!! I can't cope.
How the hell do I deal with this?!?!
So as your DD1 has been before, the problem is more that you will never get to experience Disney with DD1 rather than you and dps family are going and DD1 wont have the opportunity?
Could you either (1) pay for DD1 to come along (2) pay for yourself to go with DD1 and your parents next year as they are already going or (3) you and dd1 do somewhere new together that you think she will enjoy?
Can't they change the holiday to EuroDisney and take all of you?
I'd hate to leave out one of mine and I don't think they'd ever forgive me.
It sounds like a really tricky one. I would stay behind with DD1 and do something special but much smaller scale with her. Why won't your partner go without you? Surely her parents will help with DD2 and be good company? Just graciously decline due to DD1, and say you appreciate their sentiment and hope they have a lovely time with your partner and DD2.
Wow that is a difficult choice. My Dad took my half sister to Disney when she was little. Me & my brother where older and didn't go due to the expense. I felt left out but it didn't affect me & I got over it!!
If it was me I'd do anything I could to raise the money to take her. Sell stuff on eBay. Have a car boot. Do overtime at work. Ask her Mum to contribute? If she's old enough ask her to do babysitting job's etc.
This is not as big as it seems to you right now - the obvious answer to an outsider is that of course you must go and spend a holiday with your DP and your younger DD. The question is how to get your emotions into the place where you can enjoy it.
Your DD1 has already been 4 times - do you think your ex or your DD, for that matter, were guilt ridden over your not being there any of the four times? Even on this proposed trip, you'd not be 'experiencing Disney' with your older DD in the way you think as it's not her first time - it's all very familiar to her.
If there is no more money for your DD1 to accompany you the her is no more money. And in any case, ask yourself this, is it fair on your DPs parents for your DD 1 to come - how well do they get on and how much time do they spent together?
Does your DD1 spend time with her maternal grandparents - that is the equivalent that she would understand in not being asked on this holiday.
My short answer is yes, of course you should go and no it's not the worst position in the world to be in. I suspect that part of your reaction is regret at not having been included in your DD1's earlier trips?
If DD1 has been four times already without you, and she doesn't live with you full time, I don't see what the problem is. This is a gift from the grandparents of one of your children, and I think you should take it. If you feel guilty about DD1 not going, then save up for a different (not necessarily so expensive) holiday you can do as a family next year.
I always think it's a bit odd when adults book holidays for other adults without checking whether the arrangements actually are ok with them; but maybe that's just me.
Either just go, which is actually fine, you know. Or ask DP's parents to switch to a cheaper resort so you can all go together as pp suggested.
Go and enjoy yourself with your family and bring something special back for DD1.
IOt would be very unfair on DD2 to not have your company.
What is the situation with DD1 and her mum?
Because unless she never goes on holiday or only goes on holiday while dd is with you then your dd will be getting holidays that your dd2 won't get.
So dd2 will get your family holidays (which sound like they will be few) and dd1 will get your family holidays and holidays with mum and possibly, from the sound of things, with your parents who are unlikely to do so for little dd.
With blended families there are situations like this that are going to be unfair (funding for uni, traveling etc).
It's right that it is a situation that makes you uneasy as you are one family together. But your dd1 also has her mum and a family that now isn't yours too.
My gut tbh says don't deprive gps and your dd2 of this experience. That isn't fair.
Any way you cut it, from your op, dd1 isn't going to be going on this trip. She's been four times your dd2 hasn't and won't be for the foreseeable.
So you will have to broach the fact she is not going.
You just have to decide if that means you stay home (would you be having contact? and so a special thing at home) or whether you go too and make plans to do something with her also.
If you would be at home on your own that's rather pointless.
But I really feel that it would be the height of unfair to your dd and the family to stop her going.
I think you should go too, and I say that as somebody whose parents divorced when I was young and consequently there was similar situations going on to the one you're in now. From a child's point of view, of course it's difficult having to share your parents, but at 10 your dd1 is likely to be mature enough to understand the situation and not feel pushed out or jealous. If she hadnt been to Disney before my answer may have been different but she has 4 times and I think you really owe it to your dd2 to experience this once in a lifetime holiday with her.
Someone else suggested accompanying your dd1 and your own parents on their next trip, could that be an option?
GO ON THE TRIP!!! Dd1 has been 4 times without you and that is what likley hurts. Why should you deprive dd2 of a holiday without her father? Enjoy the time with your second daughter and partner and gps. Do zomething nice on your return witn dd1. Dont feel guilty as its quality time with your family, unfortunatly without d1. Could her mum not contribute?
Sorry I think you are being a bit hysterical here (and I am not normally a harsh person). Your dp's parents want to have a special celebration with their family. Money is obviously tight all round - although who did pay for DD1 to go to Disney 4 times and she is only 11? I would put your partner first and gracefully accept. It sounds as if your dp has been very supportive to you and dd1. With split families it is not always possible for every child to do everything if they are splitting their time between 2 families.
I can't seem to find the words to express why but I actually feel it would be more unfair to your dd2 if you don't go with her, than it is on your dd1 to not be coming.
Loads of posts while I was typing.
And I don't mean unfair in my 'lots of situations come up that will be unfair' sentence I mean unequal but fair - when needs diverge you do the best to balance them with what you can do.
Your dd2 may need to get a job to pay for driving lessons, say, while you top up. Dd1s mum may not want her to be working so will pay for it all - there's always unequal checks and balances.
The best way isn't always rigid enforcement of getting the same, someone will always be disappointed. Trying to be fair enough but meeting individual needs/wants is a slightly easier path away from resentment ime.
I do agree with pp though.
Honestly, if this is your worst situation EVER - lucky you. Your partner and her family sound pretty great.
I think your parents sound horrible!
They've brought your dd1 four times and are taking her next year and they've been awful to your five year old? five year old?!
Why are you even still talking to them?!
Go to Disney and if anyone says anything say that it's dd5's turn to be treated to something special since she doesn't bloody get it from them!
I think the main problem here is you have never been with your DD1. if you had been involved in any of her previous 4! trips then going now without her wouldn't be that big a deal. You now get to be part of DD2s first trip, it's unfortunate that Dd1 won't be there but if it can't happen that she can come then that's that really. Whilst her feelings of missing out will be valid I don't think DD2 missing out on you being there for her first trip would be worth it. DD2 deserves to have you there.
How long away is the holiday and how much money would you need to take her? I think I would probably look at what I could make on eBay to make up the money.
I think it's really odd that they would book this without talking to you first. It's not really about what your dd1 has with her mum, it's about you wanting to share this with both your children.
If this is the worst situation you've ever been in I think you can count yourself very lucky.
Just get over yourself ffs and go.
And yes, you're being rather ridiculously dramatic.
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