New life but not for long...

(30 Posts)
Tappergirl Thu 05-Jun-14 23:31:48

My SD has been staying with a friend for a week whilst doing the last run of her A Levels. It has been bliss, have got back to a wonderful, creative sex life with DH, but that wil become history when SD reappears. She makes my life a misery. Can't stand her being with us, life becomes a daily slog and arguments are rife. The last week without her has
been bliss. We still have SS here but he keeps himself to himself!

Kaluki Thu 05-Jun-14 23:39:40

So will she go off to uni in September?
At least then you can look forward to a longer break and more sex!!!

Anormalfamily Fri 06-Jun-14 08:54:27

Strange really how it mostly seems to be our dps dds who get us so riled up. Just speaking about our situation, my dsd always mistook me for a rival, it took me ages to figure that out and understand where her animosity was coming from (naturally assumed she was being loyal to mum who hated to see her ex move on).
I've never blamed dsd though, even when angry and disappointed. I read so many books on covert incest (also known as mini wife syndrome) that I came to realize their acting like jilted girlfriends is symptomatic of their fathers turning to them for emotional support during marital strife. They were used as crutches and then cast aside.
I often feel dhs guilt stems more from raising his dc as peers, then leaving his wife (not for me, btw, I came later).
My dss lives with us 50:50, and though he has koala tendencies to the extreme (will be 14 soon) it doesn't bother me personally. It's simply odd and I feel for him (possible autistic tendencies, never tested though).
Dsd has calmed down considerably now she's experienced love and loss herself. At 17 she has issues like everyone else, but I can't detect any weapons of mass destruction aimed my way any more...

CountryGal13 Fri 06-Jun-14 09:20:00

That's a really interesting post Abnormal Family! I've always felt like my ESD has seen me as a rival and at times she's shown real hatred towards me. Now she's 17 and has a boyfriend if her own I can feel that she's thawed considerably and she's much more approachable now. For now anyway! smile

BuzzLightbulb Fri 06-Jun-14 09:28:39

Hmmmm, I wonder if that's why DSD craves a relationship so much, and then when she has one seems to magnify any mini crisis into a major issue?

Her dad apparently wasn't shy in 'sharing' his thoughts and emotions post break up which must have been a huge burden for her, and she seems to want to relive that.

Anyway, back to the OP....

Yes, happy days with no DSD, can empathise entirely with that. Peace, tranquility, together time and the added bonus you mentioned blush

Try it with one professional nightmare and a 14 yr old trainee as a sidekick, fun times !!

CountryGal13 Fri 06-Jun-14 09:43:51

In our case my husband definitely wouldn't have used her as an emotional crutch. (he doesn't talk about his feelings much at all) She could, however, call him at a moments notice to ask to see him and it was clear that his world revolved around her. Obviously when I came on the scene he wasn't always available for her like before so she probably did feel like a jilted girlfriend!
So sorry to derail this thread Tappergirl! Enjoy your respite and may there be much more of it to come smile X

Tappergirl Fri 06-Jun-14 10:06:59

Sorry to have stressed "the added bonus"! Its just that when the family environment is tense, we don't bond, if you know what I mean ;-) We really are a "together" couple when things are right.

Thanks all for your thoughts on why "D" SD is the way she is; perhaps she does see me as a threat, and DH protects her in his own way. However, she is 18.5 years old, has a boyfriend, and doesn't really have that much of a bond with her Mum. She is hot headed, and our personalities clash. She likes to dominate the communal living space when at home, and that really irritates me. I do hope she gets the grades to go to Uni, as I really do want her out of the way within the next few months. Also, her university choices are not local, not even for weekend visits :-)

Sound awful don't I, but the past week has shown that we can have a normal existence when she is not around.

BuzzLightbulb Fri 06-Jun-14 10:33:52

She likes to dominate...

You sure? She's a teenager, tiny view of the world with her at the centre and, unfortunately, responsible adults in her life are part of her 'foundation' so may feel like being taken for granted/invisible.

I think all teens like/tend to:-
- play music 'too loud' for us not them !
- turn tv on and leave the room
- dump stuff wherever they last had a conscious thought
- 'make a mess'/feed themselves in the kitchen
- don't clear up their dishes/will do it later
etc

You tried asking her to do stuff, rather than telling? Sorry this may seem really patronising but if she can see your point of view and it comes across as not unreasonable she may accept you have a point.

Then there are times when JFDI is all you can say grin

Tappergirl Fri 06-Jun-14 10:44:40

Buzz

She doesn't do any of the things you say teens like or tend to do. We don't have that problem.

She does like to act like a superior being who openly hates my very being (gut feeling but always works with me).

I don't ask her to do anything, or tell. I just detach. The only time I have "told" her that she is being unreasonable, is when she decides to take over the kitchen at 8.30am, bang on the time when I am about to leave for work, and she gets in my way when I need the space. We have a small galley kitchen and she appears to do it on purpose.

Probably not, but she usually has a couple of hours lying ahead of her to get breakfast etc. I have complained on 2 occasions and she has become petulant. One occasion DH had a massive argument with ME as I asked her to give me a 10 minute window so that I could get out of the house without any stress. I was the bad cop and had a stressful WEEK because of that incident, as DH did not support me, and buttered up to SD. Sorry but I see her as a little b*tch who loves to wind me up!

BuzzLightbulb Fri 06-Jun-14 11:52:27

Hmmmm, Daddy's little princess still?

Tappergirl Fri 06-Jun-14 11:57:48

Both kids had a bad time when living with their mother until we took them on FT so he does tend to be lenient, and SD plays up to this (well IMHO).

truthwithin Sat 07-Jun-14 02:57:11

DSD10 has miniwife syndrome & definitely sees me as a rival for DPs affection.

After much argument, where DP still sees DSD10 as being a 'toddler'. DSD10 tried to get DP to rub her emerging boobs as they were, 'hurting'!

DP was horrified. We've come a long way from me hiding the sudocreme & I won't say, I told you so'.

MexicanSpringtime Sat 07-Jun-14 03:55:32

Mmm, if your Dh feels guilty and that he has to make it up to his daughter he is not doing her any favours. My friends that have allowed their adult children to make them feel guilty about their childhood (even though my friends were good mothers who always acted with the best intentions) have sons going on forty who still play the guilt card and don't pull their weight.

wheresthelight Sat 07-Jun-14 08:19:28

I am not normally one to jump to the defence of the stepchild but wow your hatred of her leaps off the page! If she knows you hate her so much and feel she is such a nuisance and an inconvenience then I am not surprised that she acts the way she does. Especially as you say she has a bad time with her mum.

Have you ever actually tried being nice and talking to her about why she feels the need to do the things you don't like?

Tappergirl Sat 07-Jun-14 09:21:09

wheresthelight, there is far more to everything than you will ever know. She has been a spiteful girl since I have known her - 10 years- and tried to shut her brother's leg in the car door when she was 10. I don't like her, it's true, she has an attitude but she's 18 fgs. The bad time with mum should read "bad whole of life with mum". That's why the kids live with us FT. My marriage to DH has suffered enormously.

I have tried being nice to her but it doesn't work, she has a personality that clashes with mine, and thats that. Cant wait til she goes to Uni.

Eliza22 Sat 07-Jun-14 10:53:04

The thing is, over time (usually a good few years) these stepmum/SD relationships form and can go one of two ways, I think. I started off 9 years ago, feeling genuine happiness to be gaining 2 SD's and one SS. They were all teens and my own son (now 13) was getting siblings, which also, was wonderful. I sooo wanted it to be good. I relocated after a 4 yr long distance relationship with DH and I guess the happiness just "shone" out of me. Youngest SD was always described to me as "poor little Thing" and I used to think (before I met her) that there was something wrong with her or she'd been very ill or something. Dad felt guilty as youngest SD was only 9 when he left their mum. She'd had an affair. So, he rightly made huge allowances for her. She was the centre of his existence and he has been a great dad throughout, to all his kids. However, as a 14 yr old, she objected to any little show of affection/happiness DH showed toward me and my son. It was utterly poisonous. And now, we don't see her at all (3 years) she so objects to my existence. I tried, over and over again. I dislike her so intensely that frankly, it wouldn't bother me if I never saw her again. DH will continue his relationship with his daughter (eventually) but for me, it's over. She wanted him all to herself. That's what she will have.

I'm NOT a nasty person but I am done with this 20 yr old. She's NOT a little girl anymore and I won't walk on eggshells in my own home to try to please her.

Tappergirl Sat 07-Jun-14 12:05:26

Eliza I understand how you feel x

wheresthelight Sat 07-Jun-14 13:18:13

So it's ok for this woman to hate her step daughter but the man saying the same about his step son is being flamed on the other thread

Ridiculous

Viviennemary Sat 07-Jun-14 13:21:52

But this girl is a lot older than the child on the other thread so I think it's different. And let's face it teenagers can be infuriating whether they are step or not. And the house is so peaceful when they're out or away. Must not say those dreadful things!

wheresthelight Sat 07-Jun-14 13:36:44

And she has also said she has hated her since she was 8 so why should it be different

Tappergirl Sat 07-Jun-14 15:31:15

I did not say the word HATE. I was merely observing. Got a bee in your bonnet wherestelight? Come and live here for a whie.

wheresthelight Sat 07-Jun-14 15:47:50

Your post makes it very clear that you did and do hate the girl

It Pisses me off that because you are a woman everyone thinks it ok but the blokes get vilified (and I am a woman)

AllDirections Sat 07-Jun-14 15:56:54

I'm looking forward to DD1 (17 ) going to university. She dominates the communal space, acts like she's the only one here that matters, argues with everyone, strops about, etc. etc. But because she is my daughter a) I love her anyway b) I can tell her straight when I'm not happy with her behaviour, e.g. when I need the kitchen space on a morning to make the other DD's packed lunches.

She clashes with me a bit but she's absolutely vile to DD2 (13). It's like DD2 causes every problem that DD1 has (she doesn't obviously) so maybe teens need to have someone to 'hate'.

I think to live with someone you have to be able to be really frank with them otherwise the resentment starts to fester... and then grows and grows. I can't be straight with anyone except my DC so I can't live with anyone other than them. The lodger (good friend) that lived here last year with his DC said I was very calm and tolerant when really I was a seething mass of resentment for most of those 6 months. It's not a healthy way to live sad

Sorry, probably haven't helped at all!

Tappergirl Sat 07-Jun-14 17:27:20

Yes AllDirections, you have helped.

doziedoozie Sun 08-Jun-14 08:55:46

I couldn't wait for my teen DCs to go to uni. Argued with them all the time, clean your rugby boots, no you can't stay overnight at whatever, no you can't do x until you've done your revising, no you can't have the car I need it. Though didn't have to deal with the nastiness by then (that happened when they were younger but not to the extent described here)
They are great adults now though so try to hang on OP, not long to go.

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