Lost

(8 Posts)
Jac01 Sun 11-May-14 23:52:18

8 years ago I met my partners daughter who is now 13, but I'm really struggling lately with the role I play. When anything negative needs bringing up it's me who does it as mum doesn't or isn't capable of this and dad isn't sensitive enough when it comes to teenage girl issues. But it's becoming more and more of a struggle and I hate myself for becoming resentful of my role, I always seem to play the bad guy. Don't get me wrong we have a really good relationship and she knows how much I love her and we talk rather than lecture but I'm feeling a little unappreciated I suppose as to how much it's assumed its my job to do this. It's become worse lately as for the last 6 months I've spent pretty much every Friday treating head lice only to do it again the following weekend as mum hasn't had time to do the rest of the family (mum doesn't work), it's a losing battle and every time dad drops her off I plead him to speak to mum to be told mum said she will...and repeat, her poor head is bitten to pieces. Really feeling fed up having to be the one to give the "talks", have tried withdrawing but then she's the only one who suffers, not sure how to keep going for more teenage years. Any experienced views welcomed who have been through similar, will be nice to know I'm now alone

purplebearbiscuit Mon 12-May-14 07:05:07

Ah the dreaded nits hmm. If you treat them one Friday, and have your dsd the following Friday then that is when they need to be treated again. It's a seven day cycle. Today's Nits are particularly persistent, I've no idea why. Are you thoroughly combing after treatment?

You have got yourself in to this mess through having your heart in the right place and you sound very lovely and caring but the reality is most likely that mum doesn't want you taking that role at all and is either acting out as a result, or is completely oblivious to what you do for her dd.

Your DH has allowed you to take a role over and above what is right or necessary given that this child already has two parents and you now resent the fact that despite the work you put in, no one appreciates you. Why would they? Parents do all of that stuff with no thanks all the time. The fact that you do it for your dsd is through love, right? Wrong. Because you do (and you should!) expect thanks.

What you need to do is take a step back. Be loving and kind and talk to your dsd when she needs you. But let her dad look after her. What would he do if you weren't there? Or if you had a horde of children of your own? He needs to pull his finger out in my opinion. And if there is a welfare issue at mums he needs to take the correct legal routes. Children don't need three or four parents. You can be a positive addition to her life in many ways by try not to shoulder all the responsibility.

purplebearbiscuit Mon 12-May-14 07:13:53

And no you're not alone thanks I've been there on both sides. I have a dsd who is now almost grown, I spent years slagging off her mum and bemoaning all that I did for dsd whilst DH worked away and I complained that mum was never grateful. It was DH who should have been grateful.

I also have a dd who is a bit smaller who's dad lets his DW do a lot of the care and parenting. I know she judges the things I do and resents all that she does for dd. I just wish that dad was doing it tbh. After all, that's why contact is in place, for him and dd to have a relationship, not dd and her sm. Although, sm is a lovely positive addition to dd's life as well.

We tend to go in to step parenting all guns blazing with the best intentions but over the years start to realise it's not that much fun when the dads just expect it. It's a bit like when you're young and you first move in with a guy and play house, cooking all the meals, doing all the wifey stuff, quickly the guy starts to get used to it but when the honeymoon is over and he's leaving the toiletseat up and towels on the floor you just want him dead hmm

croquet Mon 12-May-14 09:11:24

lol Purplebearbiscuit! Spot on.

Don't worry OP, you weren't the only one on bedgrudged emergency nit duty this weekend for the second visit running hmm

wheresthelight Mon 12-May-14 10:28:33

jac you sound like you have my life!! Although I do get more support from dp in tterms of being bad guy!

No advice I am afraid but the kids will know that you have their best interests at heart! I hate being the "evil" step mum having to nit treat every week etc but when we hadn't seen them for 3 weeks (their mum cancelled contact and then they were on holiday with her) dss came and said thanks for sorting the nits as his head had stopped itching for the first time in ages.

alita7 Mon 12-May-14 12:18:07

I have this too though dsd lives with us and I knew I was taking on a mum type role when I said I was completely happy for her to do so.
DP supports me etc but he usually is too busy In his own little world to keep her to a routine or get her to clean up her things, it's Ok, I don't mind but id like a little less expectation from him sometimes (she equally expects me to do it all for her and says why aren't you cooking if dp does or why didn't you wash that top in time etc :p but I don't mind from her cos she's a child) or if he remembered to thank me or tell I'm doing a good job occasionally.

I don't feel my role is totally negative as I get all the benefits of being a mum figure as well but sometimes I get fed up of getting the grumpy face if I ask her to do something.

You need to tell him you feel like that, and he needs to do some of the negative stuff too!

walsalllinguist Fri 16-May-14 11:46:41

I could have written your post OP sad. I do tell my DH I need him to play the bad guy sometimes. Unfortunately he's not very good at playing the bad guy with anyone, even the DD we have together. Doesn't mean I stop saying it to him though, it's unfair when one person is doing all the hard graft parenting.

Kaluki Fri 16-May-14 12:24:01

DP is great at backing me up when I am bad cop, he can even be bad cop with me behind him as well.
But leave him on his own with his dc for a few hours and he turns into a spineless disney dad again and his dc run rings around him.
I hate the expectation too. I'm happy to do things but as long as he realises its a favour and not my job and as such a thankyou once in a while (e.g. on MOTHERS DAY!!!) wouldn't go amiss!!!!

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