should i mention to my partner

(24 Posts)
sunnysarah Sun 11-May-14 10:54:32

We have been a mixed family for 3 yrs now, I have two children of my own who live with me and my partner and he has two girls who we have evry wknd and Thursdays after school for tea and one of his girls on a Friday as she goes to judo which my partner is the sensei. We all get on really well, theres a lot of love in our house so I was a bit surprised to find out his oldest (11) has been txting her mum saying that she`s being getting told off (when she isn't) and that she doesn't want to be here. My partner and I are very fair with all the kids, he tells my two off if they need it and vice versa there isn't any favouritism. Should I tell my partner what ive found out or should I leave well alone?

prawnypoos Sun 11-May-14 11:09:35

I would just mention it and ask him to have a quiet word with DD. Does DP get on with his ex? If Dp's ex is belittling him in DSD's home environment then perhaps she is feeling obliged to say 'I don't like it at dad's, I would much rather be at home with you', maybe because she doesn't want to seem disloyal to her mum, which is wrong, she shouldn't feel as though she is being pulled in two directions for her affections but I've been there through my own circumstances and you try to please everyone, even at that young age (my parents were wishing each other dead and every pick up was a slanging match) that's just my view on the situation. Just a thought, hope you get sorted x

alita7 Sun 11-May-14 11:19:37

I think I'd mention it, it does seem odd if you're sure there's nothing that could be perceived as telling her off lots... agree maybe she's trying to please her mum.

riverboat1 Sun 11-May-14 11:39:43

If it was me, I would definitely bring it up with DP - though I guess HOW you bring it up kind of depends on how you found out about the texts.

It could be that your DSD is perfectly happy at your house, but is feeling guilty about that as though it's some sort of betrayal to her mother, and is sending these texts to try to appease her guilt.

Ideally I'd say both parents should reassure her that they want her to be happy in both her homes, that it isn't any kind of betrayal to the other parent for her to do so. And maybe help her see that it's normal and perfectly acceptable to miss one parent when she's with the other, but it's something she has to find other ways to deal with than sending texts like that.

How is your DP's relationship with his DC's mum? Could they talk about this together?

croquet Sun 11-May-14 11:41:43

How did you find out she was texting? If by snooping, then of course you can't tell anyone!!

sunnysarah Sun 11-May-14 11:46:08

My partner and his ex get on fine, I did wonder if his daughter is saying these things to keep her mum happy cos obviously I don't know what her mum says about me at home (partner left his wife for me). We all get on fine now but that's in public and around the kids but at home it might be a different matter. I`ll see if their mum mentions it to their dad when he drops them off later today if not I`ll tell him tonight. Thanks for all your help.

sunnysarah Sun 11-May-14 11:50:08

Found out by accident, was tyding room up and knocked phone on floor picked it up, cos its a smart phone as I touched screen it came on and was still on their messages. I don't go round reading other peoples txts as they are private. Obviously gonna have to be careful cos don't was sd thinking ive been lookin at her phone.

Martorana Sun 11-May-14 11:54:24

An 11 year old without a password on her smartphone? That would worry me a lot, particularly if she takes it to school.

Martorana Sun 11-May-14 11:55:58

" I don't go round reading other peoples txts as they are private"

Well, you did a bit, didn't you?

riverboat1 Sun 11-May-14 12:02:27

I think on some phones a new incoming text appears on the screen as soon as you touch it, even if the phone is password protected. I'm sure this is the case on DP's iPhone for example. Yesterday he got a couple of texts while he was driving which I read out to him, and I'm sure I didn't have to enter his password.

sunnysarah Sun 11-May-14 12:10:43

I didn't deliberately pick up her phone a go through her messages, it was right in front of me in big letters " I don't want to be here" bit hard to miss!. And you don't need to enter a password to read messages, she must have left it on the messages page when her phone went into standby so when my finger touched the screen as I picked it up it came back on to that page, I don't know im` not a phone expert.

ToastToast Sun 11-May-14 12:11:41

I would really watch out raising this if it could possibly seem like you overstepped a mark looking at her phone.

You sound very friendly and lovely and like you have a nice family. Perhaps you are not aware of the odd, sad, and mixed messages that can proliferate in a step situation. I wouldn't aggravate this -- leave it to calm down on its own. She won't always do it. I was pretty sure I hated my parents from about 11-15, or at least that they were wronging me left right and centre. To a certain extent she's being normal (i.e. these are things a child from a 'together' family might write in their diary).

sunnysarah Sun 11-May-14 12:20:56

I had a stepdad growing up so do have some idea. I can assure you it was totally by accident what I saw, but you may be right, I would hate to break dds trust in me, I just don't want her not to want to come round it would break her dads heart, he has two other sons from his first marriage, and when they separated he got together with dds mum (she had no kids at that time) she was horrible to him, and would only let him see them for a few hours at the weekend and when they were there would do all she could to make it a miserable time. Maybe I`ll just keep out of it and see what happens.

sunnysarah Sun 11-May-14 12:22:33

I had a stepdad growing up so do have some idea. I can assure you it was totally by accident what I saw, but you may be right, I would hate to break dds trust in me, I just don't want her not to want to come round it would break her dads heart, he has two other sons from his first marriage, and when they separated he got together with dsd mum (she had no kids at that time) she was horrible to him, and would only let him see them for a few hours at the weekend and when they were there would do all she could to make it a miserable time. Maybe I`ll just keep out of it and see what happens.

Shockers Sun 11-May-14 12:27:54

It's only incoming messages that show up like that on my phone. Are you sure it wasn't a message to her from one of her friends that you saw?

Shockers Sun 11-May-14 12:28:43

Sorry, just noticed it wasn't the home screen you saw it on.

Viviennemary Sun 11-May-14 12:33:34

A phone fell on the floor and a message came up which you just happened to read. hmm

doziedoozie Sun 11-May-14 12:34:14

If she does find out that you have read her phone she def won't want to be at yours (though I believe you when you say it was an accident).

Maybe she has always done this to reassure DM that she loves her best so not worth taking it any further.

I would keep quiet as however it happened the message was not for you, at eleven everyone is entitled to privacy and you could lose her trust for a very long time.

HappyMummyOfOne Sun 11-May-14 12:38:58

I think you need to cut her some slack and stip reading her messages. I've picked up phones before but can do so without reading the texts on screen.

Perhaps you believe all is well but adults sometimes only see what they want to. She is still a child who now doesnt have her dad at home as you took him away. Now she has to share him and be disciplined by you. On top of that, shes always like to put her mum first given the circumstances of the split. I think shes allowed to vent a little by text.

ToastToast Sun 11-May-14 12:41:03

OP does your DP have four children, 3 or 2?

purpleroses Sun 11-May-14 13:40:18

I wouldn't admit to reading it. But would try to talk to her about how she feels about being at yours. Or see if your DP can have a chat with her. No point trying to second guess what the problem might be.

sunnysarah Sun 11-May-14 14:07:29

First of all mummyofone you have no idea of what the relationships between our exs were like and how me and my oh came together so please don't judge on what you don't know!
secondly I saw the message by accident weither you believe it or not I don't really care the point is I came on here for some help and advice on a dsd I care about very much. I didn't expect to get shot down in flames, a mistake I wont make again. Thank you to those who gave me helpful advice, but shan`t ask again.

brdgrl Sun 11-May-14 14:11:11

Well, actually, I think a parent (or even a step-parent, depending on the family set-up) ought to be looking at their 11 year-old's texts and online messages. (I don't even intend for my DD to have a mobile phone at 11, however). I don't think the same right to privacy applies as to adults. But obviously that is up to each family to establish. And I agree that if she has an expectation of privacy then you will end up looking bad if you say you've seen the messages. Does DP have any rules about the mobile phones and privacy?

Having said that, I think you definitely ought to discuss it with your DP. Chances are this will come up again.

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