ex is having a baby, daughter already feeling regected by him

(11 Posts)
mummyOF4darlings Wed 23-Apr-14 23:23:46

Hi wonder if anyone can offer me some advice, maybe suggest a different approach. I have posted a couple times in relation to my 8 year old dd and her change of behaviour and think some of the posters who commented hit the nail on the head by saying she is feeling regected by her dad since hes moved in with his gf.

Basically ive not been with him since i was pregnant dd had always known him to live with his parents and she would go every weekend although grandmas would do most of the childcare she was pretty close to her dad and he would take her out for the day etc, now shes barely seeing him. He moved in with his gf last summer they have been together a couple of years so dd knows her i dont think shes the real issue. Their flat is only a 1 bed so dd has still been staying at her grandmas still and hes been coming to see her there, ive asked if she can stay on the sofa or can have my air bed for her to go in living room and hes said his neighbours are too noisy they will disturb her, he also claims now got his own place he cant afford to take her out and do things as much....I think its all just excuses tbh because hes still having nights out doing things with his gf.

A couple weeks ago after advice off posters i had it out with him and he agreed to try harder, he took her out for tea and they had a talk snd hes seen her a few times on his own and shes been lot happier, she came home and told me dads going to start looking for a 2 bed so i can stay over.

Today hes txt me and said think you should know before you see it on fb but just been for our first scan and shes 13 weeks gone and asked if he can come round to tell dd and show her scan pic. Of course i congratulated him and i said well tbh i had suspected for a few weeks they have been dropping the biggest hints on fb. So he came round as planned and seen dd and she seemed really over the moon whilst he was here then later shes gone off on one with her sister had the biggest tantrum about sharing her bedroom nd made the comment that she wont even get her own room at dads new place now.. My heart just melted for her I honestly dont know how i can reassure her, i dont even think it is my place to reassure her but i dont want to keep having to nag at her dad and look like the interfeering ex.

Need to sort something out really sooner rather than later

mummyOF4darlings Wed 23-Apr-14 23:31:29

Sorry dont know if this is the best place just remember last time i posted someone suggested step families may be best

Anormalfamily Thu 24-Apr-14 06:52:38

Any chance you could speak directly to the gf/sm?
Although my ex is still a knob re his ds (often out doing a hobby when ds visits) over the years I've really come to appreciate the sm. before I met her, ds told me how nice she was to him, played with him etc. now all the arranging visits go over her. Perhaps meet over coffee, congratulate her personally, offer some baby things? Maybe she's been thinking about the same issues and believe me, I sincerely regret my dh didn't let me talk to his exw about the dsc when we got together. He claimed she'd say bad things about him, and she'd have been right... She might need your reassurance about a lot of things that your ex is not addressing, dd being one of them.

swissfamily Thu 24-Apr-14 08:32:15

I think I'd be wary about approaching the SM directly...especially if she's in the early stages of pregnancy.

Involving her could ultimately be helpful but I recommend asking to meet with both of them at first and seeing where you go from there. My DH's ex always used to try and make arrangements via me and I really wasn't comfortable with it. She'd call me when she knew DH was at work and try change arrangements insisting she needed an answer straight away which kind of put me on the spot. I always defer her to DH now.

I doubt they'll expect your DD to share a room with a newborn, so your DD will probably get a room to herself for a while but she's right, the promised second bedroom will most likely be done up as a 'nursery' for the new baby if your DD isn't already part of their household.

It's sad for your DD and tough for you dealing with the fall-out.

I think I'd ask to meet with them both, sit down and tell them how DD is feeling then ask your ex what he plans on doing about it in front of his gf. That should put him on the spot and give her some kind of indication of what kind of father he's going to be!

wheresthelight Thu 24-Apr-14 11:11:32

As a sm and a mum to dsc's sister I spoke directly to their Dm about my pregnancy and was quite grateful for her support and insight with regards the kids. They always seemed really pleased when with us about new baby but I was worried how they would be at home so talked to Dm about it. She also lent me a ton of books on pregnancy. I don't particularly like her (see my venting thread about nits) but I do like that we can discuss things.

When dss was being bullied at school he refused to discuss with Dm or df and both were quite worries. He sat in the car one night om the way to back from dropping dsd at brownies with me and blurted it all out. We went to mMcDonald's and had a burger and coke (I know o am evil) and we chatted about it and what he thought would be the best way to deal with it all. I asked him if he wanted to tell his mum and dad and he asked me to. I rang her and told her what he had said and my replies, mostly you need to tell teacher or mummy and daddy as I can't do it as am not your parent, and she was very grateful. She often says to him if you can't talkto me and daddy do yyou think you can talk to wheres about it. Sometimes he does sometimes he doesn't.

I would discuss with your exh before talking to his gf though, I always tell dp that I am going to talk to exw about something first and when I first met the kids I asked him to check with her if she was a) ok with it and b) wanted to meet me first so she knew who I was etc. We may not be the best of friends but we dorespect that we are all the kids family and need to rub along

mummyOF4darlings Thu 24-Apr-14 11:57:37

Thanks for your advice. I dont think at the moment it would be a good idea to talk to the gf directly. I have no problem with her whatsover she seems really nice but she seems really quiet around me the few times ive met her which i guess is understandable. I have her on fb and ive sent my congratulations, which she has only "liked" the comment.

I have spoken to dds grandma about things aswell in that past but she doesnt seem to think there is an issue. I guess i do need to talk to her dad and explain that dd wants to feel involved and to make sure he doesnt continue to let her down.

Its such a shame because he is a good dad when he puts the effort in, tbh way things are dd isnt enjoying it at her grandparents anymore im thinking of reducing the nights to just maybe 1 night.

plus not sure if anyone else thinks this is out of order Ive only just found this out the other day the grandma is taking �20 a week off ex to go towards food for dd, wouldnt be so bad if they were taking her out places aswell but they arent. Reason came to light because he had apparently told dd he cant give her spending money because he already pays me and grandma i get �30 a week off him.

swissfamily Thu 24-Apr-14 12:02:22

How many nights a week is she currently doing?

Not sure what to say about the £.... I guess it's his business if he's paying you maintenance at the right level.

mummyOF4darlings Thu 24-Apr-14 12:53:25

She is staying Friday and Saturday nights as a general rule but sometimes the odd thursday too if im working. Im not sure what the going rate is for maintenence its always been amicable between us both so never gone through csa he was giveing me �25.00 a week until a couple of years ago but added extra fiver to help towards her school dinners. I guess im wondering if i should offer grandma something for that extra night she has her now and then although shes never asked it kinda feels unfair that her dad is giving her money ontop of maintenence

prawnypoos Thu 24-Apr-14 13:48:53

Your ex really needs to make a conscious effort to spend time with your DD both before AND after the baby is born. A new baby on the family can be an exciting time but also a time of insecurity. 8 can be a difficult age to become an older sibling for the first time with either parent. They are old enough to understand that soon they will have to share a parent (or both parents) even step mums attention amongst other things whilst at the same time not being quite old enough to realise that the world doesn't revolve around them. I think it would be wise to talk to your ex about the situation. My partners ex and I don't get on and when he told her I was expecting she rang him up on several occasions crying, DSD was 3 when our DD was born but we had her the majority of the time and she is a real daddies girl. We are in a 2 bed at the moment and DD is still in with us (she is nearly 9 months old) and there will come a time where they have to share a room but plenty of other kids have to as well. We never forced the baby onto DSD is she asked questions about the baby inside my belly I answered them a best I could but unless she asked we didn't say anything. Even when she was born we didn't force her to cuddle her or have loads of pictures taken with her and we didn't make a great big fuss about this brand new baby either and she seems to have taken to her quite well. We've had a few issues which stem from her mothers vile mouth which have been repeated but we calmly corrected her. You seem very level headed an genuinely happy for your ex so that won't be a problem anyway. It's a fine line between making DD feel involved with baby and making her feel jealous xx

croquet Thu 24-Apr-14 15:20:47

Hello. You say your DD has a sister - is that a child of yours with a different father? If so she has been through this before and you probably should handle it in the same way.

I have to say that her dad (your ex) sounds ok to me, like he loves her and does see her and was nice about the new baby. A huge part of it is that she'll follow what you think/say about it. This could well be a really positive thing in your DD's life -- a new bond with Stepmum and also maybe dad will pull things together and run more of a working home? I would talk enthusiastically about it to your DD. I'm sorry if this seems harsh but I think you're setting her up for a fall by encouraging her to think about it all in terms of what she'll miss out on rather than what she'll gain.

mummyOF4darlings Fri 25-Apr-14 16:35:18

Sorry its taken quite a while to reply been so busy. Yes i have 3 other children she is the eldest and only one i have with her dad.

Appreciate all your advice, not quite sure im setting her up for a fall though i very rarely talk to her about things shes missing out on etc. I have always been very laid back in regards to visiting as personally think it is good for her to be close to her other family members. Its only this last couple months due to her behaviour change i have started to pick up on a few things that think i should of been more concerned about in the past thats totally gone over my head.

I havent had chance to chat to her dad yet but hoping it will be him bring her home on sunday so we can have a chat, im just going to make him aware of what she had said about sharing her room obviously i cant force them to find a 3 bed but im going to just try and get the point across thats she does need and want to be involved.

I feel so dorry for her at times though as my youngest 3s dad is fab with them they have a nicely done out bedroom etc which dd has seen and she came home all excited when she saw it and he comes and takes them cinema and things like that and she often looks sad, couple times ive offered him some money to take her with them. I feel bit guilty tbh for slagging dds dad off he has always done his best in the past just since last summer gone down hill i appreciate the extra responsibilities he has now having his own place etc.

Thanks again

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