End of my tether with DSD!!!!!

(63 Posts)
prawnypoos Tue 15-Apr-14 09:51:05

Hi all I have literally had to buy myself 10 minutes to come and write this as i am losing the will to live and need some none judgemental advice and support!!!My DP and I have been together for 3 years and I have known his daughter for 2 of them years. She is 4. myself and DP also have an 8 month old daughter. We live on a farm and at the moment we have 600 sheep lambing and around 100 calves calving so we are stupidly busy!! DP's daughterhas been with us for 4 days straight now as its the holidays and funnily enough her mother always seems to offload her onto us when shes not at school. She is so rude to me and her dad and anyone else for that matter, we are trying to run a farm but she is constantly putting herself in danger to get attention (she gets plenty of attention of her dad btw.) Everyone panders to her and I think that this is part of the problem. She keeps saying 'my mummy said that Isobel isnt my real sister and that my daddy isnt Isobels dad.' I know for a fact that this has come from her poisoned tongue mother as all of the way through my pregnancy she was ringing DP up crying because I was pregnant!!! She is very manipulative for a child of her age and will say things like 'my mummy loves me all of the time but you only love me sometimes' to her dad to get her own way and it works!! I have such a job to get any food into her. We eat a very healthy diet with plenty of fruit and veg. She says that she only eat crisps, chocolate, fish fingers and beans at home which I can only agree with as her mother is the size of a house end (sorry to get personal). There is just a total lack of respect and she isnt being taught. She wakes up at least2 times a night and refuses to go back to sleep unless her dad sleeps in bed with her (This stems for her mother having her in bed with her untill she was 2) Me and DP have been up at 5 every morning whilst the kids are still in bed to go outside in all weathers and work and when you have a child staying over 4 nights a week who wakes up so frequently its 10 times harder. If DP hugs me she will hit me and scream so that he hugs her instead. There is one hell of a lot more but I just dont have time to go into it right now, this is jus the tip of the iceberg, really struggling sad

alita7 Fri 25-Apr-14 15:34:22

haha prawny, dsd was caught practicing her crying face for mummy in the mirror at about 7 :p

prawnypoos Fri 25-Apr-14 12:30:50

DSD is incredibly clever for her age. A very bright little girl. They know how to manipulate at that age, from being tiny babies they know how to manipulate. And she said to me "if mummy doesn't buy me my magazine I cry like this (fake cry) and she buys me it' to be fair her fake cry does sound a lot like a real cry the only way I can tell is if there are tears!!

alita7 Fri 25-Apr-14 09:22:22

I think 4 year olds are quite capable of being manipulative... even if it is a learned behaviour.
many are much more intelligent than they are given credit for.
I don't know if it was this thread or another but I've mentioned my cousin before, she's 4, and Is incredibly socially clever, she has been manipulating since she was about 2. It started with crocodile tears if she wanted something and these days she will get all the kids she plays with to do exactly what she wants, but she isn't just bossy, she learns all about them so she can manipulate. When she sees me she will try to get me to play with her if I'm playing with her brother by jumping all over my brother, giving him kisses and saying look alita :p and knowing her parents I don't think she's learnt it off them!

prawnypoos Fri 25-Apr-14 07:04:14

Not possessive of her father!! Intact he is more possessive over me. And it isn't just four days she has been here all holidays and is going back on Sunday night. I never say anything untoward about her mother in front of her and as I have stated about 10 times before in this post I know it isn't her fault. The manipulation comes from her mother and she has no other example to follow. My DP doesn't discipline her but is happy for me to take up the child care. It won't just go away. I am good with her as I understand she is still tiny, but if we can't handle her now how will we handle her when she's older and in her teens? She doesn't like DP holding DD and I know that's natural. We have made sure that she was always centre of attention even after DD was born. And there is definitely something amiss with regards to DD and DP's relationship and of course that is a worry for me! What parent wouldn't be worried???

MissMess Thu 24-Apr-14 22:22:42

She is only four. She might seem very big for you father your daughter was born, but four is ver, very, very tiny. She does not compete with you or your daughter, and what you call manipulative is just a snapshot of her reading her own world. Don´t read any grown up stuff into it.

Show her understanding, make her feel safe, and the so called bad behavior will go away after a while. In the nicest way, ou sound very protective about your DD, possessive of her father and negative about her mother. The girl will pick up on that.

As both a farmer, step-child and mother I would recommend you to ease up, and give her a lovely time at the farm the four days she has been "unloaded" there. A farm can be a magnificent place for a child. Let it be so for her as well, without all this negativity around her.

prawnypoos Tue 22-Apr-14 11:29:07

Thank you alita. I think you are on the same page as me and know from a previous thread that your situation is very similar to mine. Today is the first day in a long time that it has rained so poor DP is outside on his own while I stay inside with the girls, the house is a tip and I thought I would finally get a day of doing some washing, hoovering etc but the power god have decided to turn the electric off from 10-12 this morning and no one bothered to tell me so not particularly impressed sad any way both girls very well behaved so far, touch wood and DD decided to start crawling this morning!! So the travel cot has gone up and she is sat happily playing away in there

prawnypoos Tue 22-Apr-14 11:27:07

Thank you alita. I think you are on the same page as me and know from a previous thread that your situation is very similar to mine. Today is the first day in a long time that it has rained so poor DP is outside on his own while I stay inside with the girls, the house is a tip and I thought I would finally get a day of doing some washing, hoovering etc but the power god have decided to turn the electric off from 10-12 this morning and no

alita7 Mon 21-Apr-14 22:55:54

My honest opinion is that your dp needs to give everyone more attention and tlc! it sounds like you are spreading yourself too thin in every direction and he is maybe depressed - has that been looked into?

If dsd is lovely when dp isn't around then it's clear that she feels stable and secure with you as you are consistent. But when he is there she feels the need to compete, and actually you probably all are subconsciously competing - you want his attention as much as she does for you and dd and you want him to do some things in the house, even if it's just flushing the loo to start with.

If he is depressed you need to point it out then he needs to seek help, it's not an excuse to neglect your family life If you're not tying to help yourself.

You need to make a chores allocation chart and insist he sticks to it.

You need to leave him in a room with dsd and just walk out and go to the shops, so he has to give her time.
Try to stick to 7 or 8 o clock as her bed time and do some chores and watch a film together before going to bed yourselves.

I think some comments are unfair, if you have a problem it's the bad bits that you feel compelled to mention, having to list her good points so we don't think you hate her is just silly and Irrelevant to the topic. I assumed it was the behaviour you had a problem with and wanted advice on it. If you hated her you'd just want advice on how to keep her away from you.

LEMmingaround Mon 21-Apr-14 19:11:47

Im confused, your ex wanted you to have an abortion? How is your DP with your DD? I think he wanted you to have an abortion becaue of the affect it was going to have on HIM, to be fair. He sounds like a peice of work.

prawnypoos Mon 21-Apr-14 18:36:44

No she wasn't planned. My ex wanted me to have an abortion because, and I quote he was worried about the impact it would have on DSD. Thank god we didn't is all I can say to that. My theory was that because he didn't love his ex when DSD was born he only had love for dsd whereas it was different when DD was born. He perp gaps felt pushed out because I couldn't give him as much attention which wouldn't have mattered with DSD as he didn't love her mother. Very badly explained there

prawnypoos Mon 21-Apr-14 18:35:22

No she wasn't planned. My ex wanted me to have an abortion because, and I quote he was worried about the impact it would have on DSD. Thank god we didn't is all I can say to that. My theory was that because he didn't love his ex when DSD was born he only had love for dsd whereas it was different when DD was born. He per

prawnypoos Mon 21-Apr-14 18:34:45

No she wasn't planned. My ex wanted me to have an abortion because, and I quote he was worried about the impact it would have on DSD. Thank god we didn't is all I can say to that. My theory was that because he didn't love his ex when DSD was born he only had l

Fairylea Mon 21-Apr-14 18:22:51

Excuse me for asking this but was your own daughter with him planned? I ask because you've said that he feels like his ex trapped him into pregnancy, that the pregnancy was unplanned. I'm wondering if a lot of the resentment from his ex and the subsequent parroting that seems to come from their dd is to do with this - the ex is angry that he effectively left her with a baby he never wanted and then went on to have a "wanted" one relatively quickly afterwards.

Maybe his behaviour towards his dd now reflects some sort of guilt on his part, trying to over compensate perhaps.

You sound like you're trying to do your best. 4 year olds are bloody hard work at the best of times regardless of whether you are the parent or the step parent.

prawnypoos Mon 21-Apr-14 17:59:55

I'm sorry but I get defensive because I've had possibly the most horrendous step parents ( unfortunately like a lot of kids) and I do not see myself as one of them so I try so hard to seek solutions to problems. I do a lot but I have to!

MexicanSpringtime Mon 21-Apr-14 17:18:53

It sounds like your DP needs to pay attention to her when she is behaving herself and either ignore or discipline when she is misbehaving. This will make her feel more secure which will also improve her behaviour.

I have never had step-children but I can imagine how hard it is.
Good luck

She's misbehaving around her father because she wants his attention. Ds3 is extraordinarily well behave at school, excellent with my parents & other grandparents until I walk in the door (& to a lesser extent dh). He misbehaves around me because he wants my attention. He behaves around everyone else because he isn't fussed about their attention & he's basically a nice kid.

The only way to deal with it long term is to be consistent, & try to increase security by giving lots if positive attention before misbehaving occurs. There's no quick fix ime.

prawnypoos Mon 21-Apr-14 17:04:28

He wasn't happy with his partner for years before they split. He said that he thinks she trapped him by getting pregnant as she told him she couldn't have kids so they didn't need to use contraception but was secretly taking the pill for years although he said he never bought it up with her even after finding loads of pill packets. He left her a week before she announced she was pregnant and felt that it was the right thing to stand by her but said that ultimately he was miserable. And I've said that she is well behaved when its just her and me, we have fun, we go for walks, we read, we paint we do all sorts!! And I do enjoy her company when she's behaving. Everyone tells me how good I am with her AND how good I am for her. And I know about evil step mothers!! My step mother refused to let me see my dad when she was pregnant and I didn't meet my brother until he was 4 years old and that was the first time I'd seen my dad in nearly 5 years!! And that was at 14 years old with a step dad at home sexually abusing me and my haven for two days/nights a week taken away. I would never do that to a child I am trying to help her out

claraschu Mon 21-Apr-14 16:47:33

It sounds like she needs more attention than you can give her at this incredibly busy season. Also, it sounds like you are doing most of the actual parenting here.

Could you hire a local teenager who loves playing with kids to give you a bit of help? You might be able to fine a young teen who would help you out for a couple of pounds an hour and be thrilled with the arrangement. (My daughter did something like this when she was 10-11, and the little girl absolutely adored her).

Blimey.

My advice remains, she is 4, she is playing up to seek attention from her father, this is entirely understandable given her situation & needs to be met by (a) consistent boundaries while she's with you (b) more attention from her father - & not obsessing over whether she's getting more attention than her baby sibling.

In your shoes I'd try to engineer a lot more time doing nice things with her father in the short term - no it's not always easy - but it is understandable that she is going to be insecure at the moment . Many older siblings find it hard enough dealing with a baby sibling when they still live with both parents - it's usual for some babyish behaviour & attention seeking to take place while they get used to the new situation - this can take a long time - even when they're seeing both parents full time.

Primadonnagirl Mon 21-Apr-14 14:16:00

OP ..you seem to be confusing us being judgemental with just having a different viewpoint. Don't be so defensive..people are just offering advice based on what you have told us.You have an awful lot on your plate by the sounds of it..( lambs!!!!) But I think the best advice here is about constantly reinforcing how much she is loved, and not reacting to the playing up. A four year old is not capable of understanding the situation she's in so you can't judge her by her behaviour...it will pass.But you do need to be extra careful that you show equal affection to both girls...just as you would with any new addition and your DH needs to too.This is just a busy busy time and it's not the end of the world if she acts up.All 4 year olds do!

LEMmingaround Mon 21-Apr-14 13:59:06

it sounds like part of your problems lie in your DP thinking that the parenting thing is your job, being harsh, she is his child, his responsibility - maybe that is where some of your resentment is coming from, the fact that he is leaving everything to you.

LEMmingaround Mon 21-Apr-14 13:56:05

Gosh, are you always this defensive? is that how you counter an argument usually?

I haven't read that you SAID you dislike her, its just that you have failed to say a nice word about her, which is really sad.

She is four, she wont understand that it is a difficult situation - because she is four. It sounds like her mother hadn't got over the split for whatever reason as she was crying to your DP about you being pregnant - there must have still been feeings for him. You have to put yourself in her shoes, you are being painted as the wicked step mother by her mother - she sees you as someone who has taken her daddy away, you are a threat to her. This is partly because of her mother and partly because you get to be with her daddy all the time, just as the new baby does. I guess it goes with the territory and I am the first to admit i could never be a step parent. I couldnt be a step parent becaue i couldnt love someone elses child no matter how hard i tried so i wouldn't do it as it wouldnt be fair on the child.

I am sorry if my post sounded harsh but you do really slag this little girl off (and her mother, who at some point your DP loved enough to make a child with, maybe you are still insecure about this - i would be).

Yes this is a support forum, but support doesn't mean always agree with the OP. Did you want people to come on here and say, oh yes, you poor thing, she sounds horrible and her fat mother sounds like a cunt as well. Good luck with the healthy eating, we eat healthily too, however it is difficult when your child goes from happily eating all the quinoa and cous cous you dish up to pushing away anything that isn't fish fingers and pasta. Don't let food become yet another battle ground, let her have what she wants for dinner - a fish finger never killed anyone yet, then introduce other healthy things as treats - if she doesn't have this at home then it will be treated as a novelty. If you force it on her, she will just rail against it.

All the adults in this little girls life need to walk a mile in her shoes for a little while because she doesn't know which way is up just now - it must be a big upheval for her to have a step-brother or sister come along who daddy lives with all the time, especially if her mother is being shitty about it.

But do feel free to tell me to shut up if you don't like what i have to say, as an open forum i will exercise my right to express my opinion, you don't have to read it

prawnypoos Mon 21-Apr-14 13:49:48

I know but I can't help it. I just do it instinctively. If I didn't do what I do then it would never get done. DP is shockingly untidy. He doesn't do anything around the house, he doesn't even put his rubbish in the bin or flush the toilet. I have to take up a lot of slack otherwise she would be in unclean clothes and be generally unclean herself

WeebleOfWombledon Mon 21-Apr-14 13:42:09

From your posts it sounds like you need to take a step back from the situation. Let your DH deal with his daughter and her behaviour. If you do everything for her - stop. Your DH should be doing a lot of what you say you do.

If it's getting to you so much, talk to your DH about how he can address her behaviour. For now I'd concentrate on yourself and your daughter.

4 is very young so a lot of things need to be taken in to account. She sounds very confused about her family situation and where exactly she slots in. This is something both her parents need to address.

prawnypoos Mon 21-Apr-14 13:32:43

I do everything I can to make sure she is well looked after. Most of you probably aren't even step parents because if you we're you wouldn't be making such stupid comments or even wasting your energy!

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