Please can we bring back some common sense to (step) parenting?

[Bringbackcommonsense]

Have nc for this, am a fairly regular poster, on this board and relationships mostly. I'm a mum to ds, sm to dss and dsd, married to dh2. Ds also has sm.
I've read all the books on step parenting which were recommended to me on mn, and then some. I've consulted various websites and counselors and in the end it all boils down to common sense.
But maybe that's why we do so much agonized hand wringing, because it's simply too "common" and we feel our situations are just too mind bogglingly unique to accept our instincts/ first/ gut reactions?
I'd love to hear from sms who have solved daily life problems by applying a good dose of common sense. I think we could all benefit from some practical thinking individuals who aren't too timid to state the obvious.
There's no limit to possible topics, such as meals, bedrooms, hygiene, contact time, family events, etc...
Seriously looking forward to hearing from you all and grateful for any replies myself, although hopefully this will support others in similar new situations

[SeaSaltMill]

When my DSCs and I first met, at mine and DHs house, nearly 7 years ago, they ate like animals. Mouths open, used their hands - it was disgusting. I cannot abide poor table manners.

Apparently their mother and her whole family all eat like that. But instead of leaving it, and not rocking the boat, I told them in no uncertain terms that in our house we eat like people, not animals. Coached them on using knives and forks and how to eat with their mouths closed etc. They were 5 and 8, not exactly babies!

I think that's common sense? I didn't ask anyone if I should try and change something that, in their mums home, is normal. I just did it.

[Bringbackcommonsense]

Well done you!
I also appreciate good manners and after 5 years I'm still not hearing the appropriate please and thank yous as much as I'd like.
On a more positive note though, I've taught all the kids to do their own laundry. Including putting away. Dss gets the gold star for this, ds only silver as he doesn't put stuff away, dsd chooses not to do it at all and her stuff is festering. At 17 though she must decide this for herself.

[Standinginline]

I'm stepmum to 4 kids (nearly all teenagers now )and we all get on fine. Their mum isn't overstruck on me but think it's more mothers instinct and not wanting another women playing parent in her children's lives. Anyway ,I've never felt the need to play mother to my stepkids as they were all old enough to understand that they had a mum and dad ,and didn't need an extra parent. I have 2 kids with their dad so obviously technically I am their stepmum and whilst I try to stay out of parenting arrangements between partner and his ex ,their mum ,I still treat them fairly ,get on with them well and am always willing to do favours for them if needed. Im maybe more of a aunt to them ,or even cousin. Luckily I've never had to discipline them as they've all been well behaved and know that they respect me.

At first I was a bit wary about rocking the boat and throwing orders about trying to be their mum but after a year or so when I mentioned this to my own mum she simply said "it's not about parenting them ,it's about having some rules in your own home which you would apply to anyone ". So nowadays I will ask that the kids bring down their dirty washing before they go home so I can wash it ,I it's left upstairs it doesn't get washed as I don't know what's clean and what isn't. Also ,i ask that cutlery is taken out into the kitchen ;they don't have to wash up ,I'm happy to do that but I just ask food is scraped in bin and put by sink. It's all trivial little things that I felt I couldn't ask initially because I was so determined not to play mother to them ,when in actuality it's the same things if ask from my brother ,parents ,even my partner.

This has worked well for us and have had no run ins at all with them. I leave discipline to partner and their mum (not that it's needed much ) and I do feel that because I don't nag them they do a lot more than they usually would around the house (their mums house is different to ours ,very messy ,unorganised etc... so not used to doing these simple things like picking up mess afterwards etc...). However ,there was one time I had to shout a kid after hitting my son. I would've done this with anyone.

It is all about Common sense but unfortunately there's two camps the stepmums and the real mums whose kids have stepmums with very opposing opinions. I put a post on here about not wanting stepson eating in my bedroom and I was called the step mum from hell !! Never mind the fact I don't let my children upstairs BUT let my stepkids eat upstairs as longs it's in their bedroom. You'll never win unfortunately.

[Bringbackcommonsense]

Thanks for your feedback.
I also subscribe to the their not my kids rule, their yours. I've never had to discipline because I leave that to their dad. But I don't want to be the maid either. Unfortunately my dsc did have a live in childminder and dh once made the mistake of liking me to her and saying how much the kids liked her, so I should be happy taking over that roll. That me step back instantly from previous doing favors though.
Like you we ask all dsc to bring plates etc to sink, scrape of bits and bring down used items for own rooms etc.
It did grate on me though when I realized that dsd had been taking the piss re laundry, changing at least twice a day, and when we bought a drier and handed her the instructions her hourly sense of fashion diminished considerably.

[Eliza22]

Umm, does my common sense message count? I have for many years been an unwanted part of the family I married into. I had counselling, have been given some anti-depressants (which my GP said would help me to cope with my feelings - I protested "I'm NOT depressed, I'm heartbroken!") and have tried endlessly to be the person I think they want me to be. Fact is, I am a non-person.

I have recently taken my closest and oldest girlfriend's advice. They both said "Enough Eliza! Let DH have his relationship with them as he should and you just "don't exist" for them". Common sense really, when people wish you'd just go away.

[brdgrl]

Similar experience here in that I was slow to implement changes because of not wanting to create stress for the kids or more conflict in the home. In my case (because no ex and have kids all the time) it was more about changing 'how things have always been' than having two households/two sets of rules, but I think it was about the same kind of difficulties.

Now I am much more commonsensical about it. I generally just ask myself a few questions - 1) does this affect me or my own DD?; 2) how would I handle this if it were DD rather than DSD or DS (with appropriate adjustment for personality and age, because one size does not fit all!)?; 3) how do other parents whose children seem well-adjusted and nicely mannered - nonstep parents like my sisters, my friends, my own parents - deal with these situations?
.

[brdgrl]

Eliza. :( Of course you aren't a non-person. It is hard not to be miserable when your home life is not your own. Meds can't fix other people, sadly!

[Eliza22]

aww!, thanks Brdgrl I'm still a person (very important person) to lots of other people, so that's OK!

I got tired of their rules and conditions. When they decided that they'd only continue to think of my 13 yr old ds as their brother (he's known them, since he was 5) if I was prepared to not want to be part of their lives in terms of important events (graduation/marriage etc) but I'd be allowed to continue with the limited contact with them, on their terms I knew it was time to draw a line. It's been easier than I imagined. Again, common sense really. Stop putting your feelings on the floor for others to trample all over. Oh, but I'd still be allowed to cook for them and must welcome them into our home, at all times, with massive enthusiasm. I remember, years ago, going to a family wedding with DH. We weren't married then though we were a couple of several years and were about to move in together, ahead of our wedding. A big fuss was made about my NOT being allowed on the photos, as I wasn't in "their" family. I stood, on my own and gritted my teeth. I look back on those photos and now with greater knowledge of the family, I can see that there were others included, who most definitely weren't part of their family, either! Should have run, at that point!!

[Bringbackcommonsense]

Eliza, that is just so sad.
Perhaps unfortunately for me I was always included in family events, few though they were, but that tended to cloud the issue of my being of no consequence. I doubted my feelings and felt a bit paranoid. Are they treating me like scum, surely not, I've been invited after all?
I decided to not attend anymore, despite dh pleading, not wanting to face ex ils or exw alone. Tough! He should have stood up for me when it mattered, when exw or dsc took the piss and left me feeling like a fool.
Now I put a lot of thought and energy into my garden and get a lot of good vibes back!

[Bringbackcommonsense]

Brdgrl, I use similar questions now myself, and luckily I know plenty of well adjusted kids/ families I can turn to mentally for support.
How did I not see that dysfunctional families tend to put on a show for outsiders, to intimidate them into submission? Well now I do see, and although its unsettling to see the dsc affectations, I merely observe and hold my own counsel...

[Ratbagcatbag]

I think my situation is unique in the sense that I am best mates with DSS's mum, So she will back me all the way whilst DSS moans and whines.

I have always organised, sorted, disciplined, loved, hugged, shouted, cuddled, play fought DSS, weve been in each others lives for 11 years, its been fab, fun, lighthearted, tough, stressful and a million other feelings that I have, which are the same for DH and my DD.

For me it's about respecting the house that you live in and the adults that are in it. You may not always like it but do you know what, it's tough. I have had WW3 when I removed his phone for the day, we've cried at disney films together and I've taken him to see daft animated films that his mum and dad hate.

To me it's always been about a normal family life and I can honestly say I have been very lucky (mostly, he's cruising not to make 16 currently due to very bad attitude) with how we handle things as a four (mum, dad, me and Stepdad).

[Eliza22]

Ratbag I salute you! That sounds like a very normal, healthy, happy family to me. Enjoy

[Bringbackcommonsense]

Brilliant, ratbag, totally my vision, great to read it can be done!
I don't care anymore that exw hates me (for absolutely no reason) and undermines anything dh and I stand for, I'm just going to ignore the rudeness and insist on my way.
(Have just had a great moment, btw, dsd has politely requested a change of plans re weekend and of course I'd love to accommodate her, I'm all for rewarding good behaviour after all. sounds banal, I know, but only a few months ago she would simply have announced she'd changed her mind and left us hanging...).