AIBU to say no to DSS staying weekends baby is due

[Katecake]

Basically me and DP don't live together (40miles apart) I have 3 DC's and he has a DS (10)

Now ds stays with us every other weekend so depending on if things shift around for any reason he will be here either weekend baby due or week after!

Now when I have this baby I'm relying on my friend, as my parents are away on hols and my sis lives to far away, so friend had agreed to come to me if I go into labour during night, go to bed at mine and in moring (early) will take my DC to hers as she will need to tend to her own 3 kids as DH works!

Now I know I don't know exactly when I go into labour but am I being unreasonable say no to ds staying if baby has not arrived before his weekend?

I just don't feel it's my friends resoponsiblilty to have to look after a child she does not know/ he doesn't know her and she has her own 3 kids as well as my 3 to look after? Plus ds has ADHD and is difficult to control, plus she will be left totally car less as she will just tske my 7 seater witch will fit in her, her 3 DC and my 3 DC perfectly!

DP taking him home when not be a option given the distance it will be a 2 hour round trip and the fact my longest labour has only been 40 mins so it just won't fit time wise!

I'm not looking forward to telling to DP about this so just wanted views if i am being out of order ?

[nomoretether]

I'm pregnant too and we could end up having all four children, including one with ASD when I give birth. I'm having a home birth so that reduces the logistics difficulty slightly.

I would personally only change a DSCs visiting time as an absolute last resort, so I'd sound out the friend, I'd see if there was anyone else who could help. You could say no to him coming and then baby not even arrive - if you go two weeks over due, then your DP wouldn't see his son for a month??

I think it just sets up the wrong dynamic. It's so important to me that neither my DC or DSC feel pushed out by the baby and changing arrangements would surely do that.

I can see where you're coming from but I'd have another think before making a decision.

[namechangenumber5]

I second Nomoretether's comment. And I think it could really help bond the family for your dss to be there and included in the family process.

[HerRoyalNotness]

I think your DP should try to sort out someone who can look after his DS if you go into labour, not you, if he doesn't agree to no contact for that weekend.

It may only be for one night, but sounds like it will be too much for your friend to have 7 DC to look after until you're home.

[pictish]

There has to be a way. Otherwise you're sort of treating him like a spare part aren't you?
You need to discuss this with your dp.

[Katecake]

I honestly just can't think of a alternative do lives 40 mind away from mean and is only here weekends and his son lives in same town as him!

My DP has no family/friends who live near me so no alternative for him sorting childcare, he wouldn't go a month without seeing ds as he has very easily see him during the week (live 5mins away from each other) or even spend the day with ds over these weekends!

If I go into labour during the week then there is good chance that he will miss it because of how far away he will be, back plan here is for my friend to still come for girls and my other friend will be abandoning her husband (who works at home thankfully) and her 5 DC to come and take me to hospital!

My parents are on holiday and my sister lives 2 hours away so I really can't think of any other options, if ds still comes and spends some days with us and it begins then we would have to hope that is mum would drop everything to make the 40min trip to come get him as worst comes to worst friend would just watch him for a hour!

I'm def not trying to exclude ds he would be welcome here straight away to meet new baby!

I just can't think of any other way to cover the nights as I just don't think it's fair on friend to look after him plus then there will be car issue as with her 3 kids we will be up to full numbers in 7 seater!

[Katecake]

Bit harsh maryshelly, read the post my ds will be 40 miles away from home and will have no one he actually know to look after him, not nice for him to wake up to a total stranger if it happens overnight!

[purpleroses]

I think the best option would be for your DP to ask his ex nicely if she would mind picking him up if you did happen to go into labour when he was with you. Your friend could mind them all at yours until she arrived. Or you might find things start slowly enough that you can look after him yourselves whilst she comes (my parents came 100 miles to look after my DC1 whilst I was in labour with DC2 and were there in plenty time to run me h to the hospital)

Otherwise could your friend just stay at yours with all the kids if necessary? Arm her with some good movies and money for a takeaway?

[Katecake]

Purplerose I think first thing to do will be for DP to ask ex if she will be willing to make the drive day/night if need be and if so supply her with address and friends phone number as chances are she will really struggle to find my house in the sticks, though I'm not hopeful at all this will be a option as she even refused to pick/drop off to do house which is 5 mind away from her!

Friend staying at mine with all kids will not be option as she will either becoming in middle of night or during the day when she will still have to get her kids to/from there own activities and again that poses a problem when it comes to car and 8 people! Also my friend is not overly keen in having to also take on a child she doesn't know and in the nices possible way ds is very difficult and will not handle the whole situation well!

I know I don't know how my labour will go, but going by my other 3 I really haven't got long, dd one arrived in lift on way up to maternity, dd two I went in with tightening week over due and was 15 mins from first contraction and dd 3 was the same as number 2 except she arrived 12 mins after first contraction!

This time we are hoping to make hospital trip at first sign if things go to fast then ambulance will be called!

It's just annoying to not know how is going to go as the ambulance option would make no difference to dd being here as we wouldn't be leaving the house! But sadly you just can't plan labour! All I can plan is the arrangements for the children

[Katecake]

Sorry also her DH works early everyday so she would need to leave mine to get home for her dd early in morning to look after her own 3 so husband can get to work

[nomoretether]

Has no one suggested home birth if you give birth that fast?

[purpleroses]

Crikey that's fast! Have you considered a home birth? Shoulds like you might be best to plan for on. Does your friend have a DP who could help her out?

[purpleroses]

Cross posts there. Does your friend's DH work weekends too?

[Katecake]

Yes but thought of home births makes me nervous, it is another option I'm going to speak to Midwifes again with but for peace of mind I just like the thought of the hospital/ equipment on hand

[Katecake]

Plus DP is dead against home birth, not actually sure what use he will be to be fair as hates, blood, needles etc

[Katecake]

Dirty that's who I was saying, friends husband works early every morning so she will have to get my kids back to hers early to look after her own so her DP is totally out the picture for helping

Just feel like I'm going around in circles and honestly can't think of a solution

[purpleroses]

I would speak to your midwife. A planned home birth has to be less scary than an unplanned one. And if you're out in the sticks that may be the only option you have if labour is that fast. Would mean you could have all the kids at home with you.

[Katecake]

Whoops meant sorry not dirty

[JumpingJackSprat]

Its not access if a stranger is looking after him! The easiest solution all round is for dss' s mum to have him while you're giving birth and for him to meet the baby when it's all over. He's old enough to understand why he hasn't gone to yours this weekend I'm pretty sure it's not going to scar him for life.

[purpleroses]

I don't think your DH would have to help out at a home birth any more than in hospital tbh. You have midwives for that.

[JumpingJackSprat]

Don't change your birth plan if you're not comfortable
to accommodate childcare. It's all sorted for your kids and dss stays with his mum. I'm assuming it's all amiable. Ask your dp see what he thinks.

[Katecake]

I will talk to them again midwife suggested just seeming what happens and if things go fast them call 999 and midwife will come to me, but like she said there is nothing to day this one will be quick then I will def want to be at hospital, I'm not far from hospital 15 mins during night, it will only be worst for ex wife to have to get here as will be coming from totally other direction

[purpleroses]

Of you knew when the baby would come I'd cancel a single access weekend. But babies are often 2 wells early or late so you'd have go a month without visits to be sure of avoiding DSS being three when you're in labour. I do think your DP should do more to find someone who can have DSS of necessary

[purpleroses]

2 weeks early or late

[Katecake]

DSS is nearly 11 so I think we should talk to his mum and just play it by ear, it's not like he won't see/spend time with his dad for any length of time as DP lives and works minutes away from him so it might just be he sees him there and not comes her to sleep!

I'm 100% happy for DP to pick him up as soon as baby arrives and bring him to ours. If we all lived in same town then none of this would be a issue but it's a 80 mile round trip