amazing day (sorry it may come across as smug)

[wheresthelight]

We have been battling with dp's kids for the last 18 months as their behaviour is frankly appalling - this is not related to different houses etc but more because dp's exw refused to ever let him discipline in any way shape or form. She doesn't believe in telling them no and basically let's them run riot. The kids have struggled with different rules in different houses but over the last month to six weeks there has been a marked improvement and neither dp or I have found ourselves having to repeat ourselves over and over again in order to get them to do anything.

However, we have either finally cracked it or the kids have been abducted by aliens and replaced by well behaved, well mannered replicas. They have been brilliant so far this weekend! Dss has cleared pots, laid the table, walked the dog, tidied his room, done his homework and the extra sats work without any argument whatsoever. Dsd has made her breakfast and cleaned uplease after herself, she has done her homework, changed her bedding etc all when asked the first time.

We went swimming today with my 7mo and mybfriend and her baby and the kids would normally refuse to speak to someone thales had never met, today they have been amazing!! They have chatted to my friend, taken her baby on the little slide into the pool, played nicely. Dss has emotional issues and would normally have a complete melt down over the pool being busy or him getting splashed and yet today you would think he was 100% "normal" as he has taken it all in his stride. Dsd has come and told me every time she wanted to go on the big slides or into the other pool whereas normally she would just vanish (I swear she has an inbuilt cloaking device). They were fantastic in the supermarket, helped me out massively and have gone to bed tonight without any fuss tonight. I am gobsmacked and so proud!! I finally feel like we are a "family" instead of it feeling like me vs them.

So for all those having issues, things really do come good eventually!!

Sorry if this sounds smug, it's not meant in that way but dp is at work, the kids are in bed and for the first time in god knows how long I don't feel like I am at breaking point!!

[IPokedABadgerWithASpoon]

Congratulations! Sounds like a lovely time

[wheresthelight]

Thank you! It was brilliant!

[PotOfYoghurt]

Sounds lovely, it must be so nice for you to enjoy the time you spend with them. Congratulations!

Make sure you take each of them aside separately and tell them how proud they should be of their behaviour this weekend, and what a pleasure it was.

[MrsRuffdiamond]

I'm glad you had such a lovely day, and congratulations that your perseverance through difficult circumstances has paid off!

Children actually prefer having boundaries, so maybe they've started to appreciate the structure, if they don't get it with their dm?

[wheresthelight]

potof done already when I went in to tuck them in. I actually got a hug of dss and he doesn't hug anyone even his parents without a fight and even then he just stands with his arms by his side and just let's you hug him.

ruffdiamond I am wondering the same as we had a meeting with dsd's teacher last week and even she commented on how much dsd has improved over the last few months and she has adapted to the structure at juniors really well so am guessing the expectations at home and at school have given her some consistency that she hasn't had before.

[daisychain01]

Be as smug as you like! Dont apologise for that, it was lovely reading your post and It is clear you must have needed to invest hugely over the months, and now it is paying off. When children are well behaved, that is a good sign they are happy and settled.

It is so difficult for SPs to directly influence upbringing of their DSCs, it is often by stealth via their parent/s which can feel frustrating, but when you can get the balance right, as you have done, it is nice when things start to fall into place.

The best part of this is that you now know your DSCs know how they should behave so that can be the benchmark against which their future behaviour can be measured. They may have off-days in the future, but this could be a pattern that will hopefully become 'normal' to them.

[wheresthelight]

Thank you daisychain

It has definitely been a struggle and at times one I thought would never end. Having dd has made it so much harder as she needs so much of my time so it's hard to be patient when I am absolutely exhausted. I have the kids on my own a lot due to dp's shifts - it isn't ideal but his exw got piss over access. We did have them 3 weekends on then 3 off as that is how dp's shifts work but she decided she didn't like having to look after them for 3 weekends on the trot. We then offered her eow which she refused as she didn't like the idea of me looking after the kids (she knows I am much stricter than her) but the solicitors told her to stop being an obstinate cow (politely) and that she couldn't whingeon one hand and then refuse the offer to share ot out better with the other. I think she has said a lot of stuff to the kids and in front of them as some of the quips when dss ois in a foul mood show far too much knowledge of the situation. We are very careful not totalk about aanything of the sort when they are with us, especially as they worship her (as they should) and I think if they knew the truth it would destroy their relationship with her. She allows the kids to think that daddy left when in actual fact she got caught out having an affair and although dp was prepared to forgive and move on she kicked him out. All of it has made life unbearable at times and has meant I have had tp bite my tongue a lot but also invest and inordinate amount of time, energy and tears into dealing with the kids and teaching them skills that frankly they should have had from the start. But as you say it has been worth it and I am so glad I have stuck it out. I have a gorgeous baby girl who I adore and a dp who I absolutely love to bits. He is a fab father and even people who have only met him once with his about have said how clear it is that he loves them and they love him. Can't really ask for more than that really!!

[daisychain01]

Your situation has parallels to ours (not re. an affair but my DP getting kicked out, but not before getting the 50/50 access rights). Yy to not badmouthing the parent, their DCs will make up their minds. They can be very forgiving about bad behaviour, none of it is perfect is it, they are so lucky to have such a positive family environment with you. I know with my DSS, he knows where he is loved and cared about, I have always said home is where the love is. They know what side their bread's buttered on, and that's the way it should be.

I think a SP's maxim is "don't sweat the small stuff"! we have to turn a blind eye so much, just smile serenely and paddle furiously beneath the surface, hey ho, life is fun!

[wheresthelight]

I think that is a great way of explaining it to be honest!!

It has taken some monumental kicks in the nuts persuasion together dp to step up and parent his kids as he was so frightened of upsetting them and them not wanting to come, but also he had no idea what he was doing. Exw had overruled and undermined him for years so he had just let her do it her way and all of a sudden I am here saying "over my dead body" and "you either deal with their shitty behaviour or I am off". He was in an awful position but with lots of guidance and "well done" types comments he has become a fantastic dad that the kids respect and because we sing from same hymn sheet they respect me too I think.

The kids know what is expected of them and they have a safe and secure home with us. They have chores tonearm rewards etc and it has done them wonders.

At mum at om's they have to share a room (dss is 10 and dsd is 8) and they refer tonic as om's house where as they call our house "home" which I live! They have picked out their own bedding here, colours for bedrooms, curtains etc. Dsd and dd have to share but at 7 months she couldn't care less what the room looks like so dsd is getting it all her way for now and by the time she is old enough to want her own thing dsd will be at uni so knows that dsd will get his room and he will have to kick her out on the odd occasions that he comes home! They love it! All I get is "where's, when will my room be painted" from dss as it's pink at the moment!!

[wheresthelight]

Apologies for crap spelling am on my phone!

[wheresthelight]

Dss will be at uni! Can you tell I. Knackered?! They dragged me swimming again today!

[Kaluki]

Its not smug at all. Its lovely when it all comes together.
My DSC are here for the week and for the first time I wasn't dreading it. (I am working all week and leaving DP to it though )
We have more good times than bad now which I think is all you can hope for.

[wheresthelight]

Thanks kaluki

I am loving the more good than bad!! It means I feel less of a cow pulling them up on the bad!