Support thread. For current step-parents.

(347 Posts)
brdgrl Mon 31-Mar-14 16:18:44

If you're a current step-parent with children who live with you at least some of the time, and fancy offloading or a rant or have a question you want to ask others who are currently in your situation and you want to do it in a safe place, and you don't want to ask a non-step-parent then why not ask in here.

feerouge Fri 03-Apr-15 22:01:31

I have a good relationship with my two DSS but do get the odd racist comment or "don't come to our house or mummy will beat you" which we always follow up correcting them and saying we don't really want to hear about it or care about this kind of comment. They are 6 and 8 and do understand. Most of the time they only repeat what they hear their mummy say, but i see it more as a way of saying "we care for you so don't come near the house", when me and DH take them back home or go to the town where they live. Regarding racist comments, the oldest of 8 has never said anything and is very intelligent, he knows the difference. But the youngest is repeating more of their mom's anger. We still have cuddles and he loves to play with me, but i sometimes wish i knew better how to help him with the situation and not taking in so much from his mom who is sometimes turning him into a bit of a racist kid. Thank god DH always tells him off and explains why he shouldn't say such things, but still he keeps saying things here and there. Hopefully it will get better as he grows up and makes up his own mind. As long as he doesn't stop interacting with me i know we are good and just need to keep reminding him of good values!

LWR3008 Sat 21-Mar-15 15:37:06

18 year old 'step-mum' here (not yet married to DP) with 21month old DSS, with us at our house 2-3days a week, I have another thread called what comes next if anyone wants to have a look at what my life consists of at the minute. Most of the time I love it.. sometimes I think, am I taking on too much too young..

wheresthelight Sat 21-Mar-15 08:11:27

How old is the dd?

as flossy says, it's up to her dad to reassure her but I think in the meantime you need to be considerate of her feelings and hold off on the touchy feels side of things when she is around

FlossyMoo Sat 21-Mar-15 07:56:35

Hello this you may find you have more replies if you start a thread of your own smile

It is only a year and the time to adjust is not set in stone. His DD may never accept you then again she may over time get used to it.

It is her father who needs to put most of the effort in. He needs to reassure her she is still important in his life and that he can love you and love his children too. He needs to have an honest discussion with her.

You should still continue to show affection in front of the children however ensure this is not too child likes to see the olds slobbering over each other grin

Hopefully with the reassurance and a consistent approach from your DP your SDD will soon see that your presence in her dads life makes him happy and doesn't detract from his love for her.

thisisallnewtome8 Fri 20-Mar-15 12:35:43

I'm in a relationship with a widower whose wife died years ago. He's a full time dad with three children ranging from teenager to primary school. We're coming up to a year together (not yet moved in)
I thought everything was going really well but the daughter is having a difficult time adjusting to her dad spending time alone with me (not often) and reacts badly to any signs of affection between us.
I have no children myself and really need advice on how to deal with this type of reaction. I want our relationship to move forward but worry that if things don't settle down then my partner will have to choose between having me in his life if it upsets one of the children who have already been through so much.

Izzy24 Sun 05-Oct-14 19:00:50

You're right anormal , I wouldn't have posted if it wasn't a big deal. This has been the ebb and flow of our life together over the years; I think this time took me by surprise because everything has been on an even keel for quite a while and it felt miserable to revisit painful places. I think it is often the lot of stepmothers to bear the brunt if the negative feelings children from damaged families - IF those children have not been enabled and supported to work through the painful events in their lives. It's where they dump those feelings, regardless if the fact that we were in no way the cause if the family fracture. My DH just doesn't have the emotional capability to work through life events. Which is why, I think, we have been in these situations in the first place. Like you I am happy to be pretty independent ; like you I am sometimes in the wrong for being that way!
Yes, it's really challenging being a second wife. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. It IS much better now, there's probably light at the end of the tunnel. I sometimes wonder about when the grandchildren come along tho ......somehow I can't imagine being allowed to be 'Granny' !!

Anormalfamily Sun 05-Oct-14 06:56:41

Hi Izzy, it is a big deal to you or you wouldn't have posted.
I'm going through something similar (being excluded) and also tend to "go with the flow", but then end up feeling resentful, anyway.
How does your Dh react to these requests? May I ask what happens at these weekends you don't get invited to? I'm curious, because I can see our "blended" family developing along those lines and, frankly, it's not what I signed up for.
Is it - general question to anybody reading - the nature of the beast, second time marriage will always mean that, "second" to something, regardless?
Is it up to us second wives to forge ahead with our own lives, interests? It's just that when I believe this to be right, and made my peace with being in a
"second" marriage, Dh will insist we do stuff together, or I'm being mean and he feels threatened.... Is it just me, or is there a danger that second wives are merely props of the first family? All the usual chores and responsibilities and, but none of the respect and loyalty? And Im not even referring to the dc, but the attitude of our "d"p or "d"h...

Izzy24 Sun 05-Oct-14 02:23:37

Have decided it's no big deal and just to go with the flow. Thanks for reading.

Izzy24 Sat 04-Oct-14 11:23:37

Oh sorry, misread post. Freudian slip! No, none if them has children.

Izzy24 Sat 04-Oct-14 11:22:37

No, none of them married . DSD just broken up with partner of a year. Other two single. Agree it's very odd to describe them as 'children '. No, not a significant occasion at all. Suspect DSD being upset over break up is at the back of it.

WakeyCakey45 Sat 04-Oct-14 06:52:54

DSD, 32, has told her father she wants to have a weekend with only the four of them

Are none of them married? Children? Given their age, it seems unusual for them still to identify as a family unit to the exclusion of others. Is it a significant anniversary; of their mums death, or her birthday?

Izzy24 Sat 04-Oct-14 03:12:43

Been with DH for many years, now married. He was a widower ( wife died of BC when children were 8,6 and 5). Children now grown up - 34,32,31. We have our own home and'holiday' home which is their original family home. DH and I planning to go for a long weekend next weekend. DSD, 32, has told her father she wants to have a weekend with only the four of them, so would he ask me not to come. They do have weekends on their own from time to time. Am I wrong to feel that DH should find this request unacceptable? Of course they are always welcome at either home whenever they wish.

InFlagranteDelicto Thu 25-Sep-14 12:24:45

arf at matalan's finest! Found some more the next size up in the loft. They'll be no good for ds, but are perfect for dss (admittedly the one's I found that week were a little on the tight side, but not indecently so). He's sorted- almost. When the money's there I'll try and get another tank top, his wsa beginning to honk at yesterday.

No suggestions, Drew, maybe she's equally not keen! Maybe gently explain that it's his mum's house and her space, and that it'll happen when the time is right? In 6yo language smile

Want to sahre more hadacakeful? you sound cheesed off.

we've managed to sort the latest clash- dss wants to help at his schools open evening, but it clashes with another school that dp and I are taking ds to. Dp's explained the situation and she's going to take dss and drop him back to ours. Dp is a very involved sp to ds, as his father is a useless alcoholic. Dss had the full focus (His mum and dad going round with him) last year, and it's ds' turn this year, so me and dp going round. We couldn't even take dss and drop him off on the way because dss chose a school near him mum's on the other side of town, and we're looking at one 15mins drive in the next small market town in the opposite direction.

I'm probably not making much sense. But sometimes dss' mum can be helpful, rational and reasonable, and this is one of them.

HadACakeful Tue 23-Sep-14 16:06:11

Sometimes you just want to throw in the towel. I wish I could complain about my DSC. But it's not they that are the problem. It's the thorn in their and their dad's side that likes to try and control every aspect of their relationship - no matter what the cost. I'd love someone tell me it gets easier with time but I fail see it when I've been with DH for so many years anyway. If anything, things get harder as time passes and not easier.

That is all.

WakeyCakey45 Tue 23-Sep-14 11:30:16

Oh, glory! No advice, but well done on negotiating the introduction so well!

DrewOB Tue 23-Sep-14 11:22:16

Hey all!
DP has started to bring DSS (6) to our house while I'm there. I think we hit it off a bit too well as now he wants me to come over to his house and meet his mum.
While she knows that I have no interested in "stealing" her child and the split was amicable, (DP goes over most days to do school runs, tea, bath and bedtime stories while she works), I am really not keen on meeting her at all.
Any recommendations in how to speak to DSS about this?

wheresthelight Wed 17-Sep-14 23:33:48

Oh yes! next time she is pissed off with being a mum or wants to work late they will be despatched to us. the woman is a bloody nightmare to be honest.

how can trousers not be suitable for secondary school??? dss has matalan's finest grin

InFlagranteDelicto Wed 17-Sep-14 22:51:05

That's an attitude that's a pain in the bum. Do you think contact will resume when she next wants a break?

Dss announce that he'd been told that the trousers I managed to sort him out with last week 'aren't suitable for secondary school'. Dp asked him who'd said that- my mum was the reply!

Not s lot we could say that wasn't pointing out that had his mum done as she'd originally said she would there wouldn't have been a these trousers anyway!

wheresthelight Wed 17-Sep-14 15:20:05

Haha that really would be just deserts!!

well his bravery has back fired as she has cancelled contact and when he has argued with her she has pulled the "well this is only extra I don't have to let you have them" card. I about ready to go round and give her a piece of my mind!!

no I wish it was 50/50 it would make life easier but it's every Wednesday (when it suits) and eow Friday to Sunday

InFlagranteDelicto Wed 17-Sep-14 09:11:43

Nice one your dp! My xh is trying the inflexible 'contact is MY time with the dc' trick so I shall have to pull them out of the cub/beaver sleep over early. That is one thing dss' mum has learnt to let him do. But she's not cut from the same cloth as my xh- he's a nasty piece of work.

Think your only option is to contact the school as a preemptive strike. I can't remember, is he 50:50? Poor dss though, that's a bit rotten. I suppose you could always sign him up to a local rugby club at the weekends <wicked>

wheresthelight Tue 16-Sep-14 23:19:48

if she gets him removed then yeah they will all know unfortunately, and the younger step sister is in his form so I suspect it would be discussed etc. just think she is mad! hopefully the school will tell her to stop being an idiot

as for the uniform issue nice to see she was shame faced when you played her at her own game! how bloody hard was it to just text and say sorry not been able to get you anything as the official uniform has wiped me out at least you would have a heads up!

dp played exw at her own game the other week over contact, we had asked that we swapped days as I was at he hospital and needed dp with me (lots of tests and not able to drove after and in a city 20 miles away) and she refused and just cancelled as "routine is important and I don't want them passed from pillar to post" but then wants me to have them Friday from 6 so dp will already have gone to work, she wants me to return them Saturday at 3 so before dp will be awake (works nights) and the she will drop them back with us Sunday at 11 but wants them back at 4 for a family tea. baring in mind its our weekend for contact and I was meant to be taking them to a christening on Sunday at 10 which she refused to bring them back for. Dp has told her that as she is so inflexible about things then she needs to play by jer own rules, she either has the kids all weekend or not at all. she was very much not happy about it and kicked off but he actually stood his ground for once and refused to back down. told her flatly they were her rules not his so she could hardly have a problem with it.

InFlagranteDelicto Tue 16-Sep-14 22:23:26

So long as she marches into the office how many kids will know? Would she be able to stop your dss taking part, or could your dp contact the school himself, and explain the situation, and ask that he is allowed to take part but that the pastoral team keep an eye on him generally, because you want high school to be a positive experience? <waves hello to WherestheLight>

Turns out dp's xw hadn't got any for ours. convo went along the lines of:
- Dss can't wear his shirt again, it stinks, have you a spare set/ where are the sets for here
-I don't have any spare uniform
-ok, I will have to get him some tonight. What do you have for us, so I know what I need to get?
-you've left it a bit late to get his uniform
-But you said you were sorting it, which to us meant you would sort all of it, for ours as well as yours, like we've done previously.


So we won't be trusting her to sort uniform ever again! I had to go out, so a detour past tescos wasn't a biggie, but it was the principle. FFS. She's also lost the clothes from ours (only a month old- I don't often get any of the kids new stuff) that dss wore over to hers in the summer when we changed over.

Still, these things are sent to try us. I won't reply to my thread. I should have realised that my place would be in the wrong, but for goodness sake, some of the comments were out of order. This used to be a safe place to rant, same as the LP board is for the LPs.

Brdgrl is probably around, maybe she's hiding under a new name too? I've changed because I have RL stuff going on that is linked to some of my past threads, and I want to be anon.

wheresthelight Sat 13-Sep-14 11:10:25

has anyone bass even brdgrl lately??

well dss has started high school this week and had a few wobbles at contact Wednesday. Dp was out so it was me who had to deal with the uncontrollable crying etc. I told dp and made sure that he spoke to exw about it but she has completely dismissed it all because "he is fine here"

however, after dp mentioned that we had bought him a gum shield as he came home saying they would be starting rugby in a couple of weeks and they had been told they would need one. he is really excited about rugby, he isn't normally a sporty kid but has really started to show an interest in football lately so we are really trying to encourage him.

anyway she has had a complete fit at dp and told him that she intends to go from marching into school and telling them she refuses to allow dss to take part. wtaf???!! he is already the weird kid who is terrified of being bullied which we have told her after his mini meltdown on Wednesday and she thinks singling him out like this is a good idea??!!!

what do we do?? dp has told her not to be so bloody ridiculous and that it will be an excellent opportunity for him but she is adamant.

InFlagranteDelicto Wed 10-Sep-14 18:32:31

I'm back under a shiny new name and had rather forgotten just how different this corner of mn is. Rather wishing I hadn't posted.

shey03 Wed 27-Aug-14 08:52:47

Nearly everything my dp buys his kids goes home with them, clothes, toys, the expensive gadgets as he wants them to feel that their things are really theirs. Yet when they come to him eow, it is with the clothes on their backs and the phones in their pockets, literally. Nothing else... Then they complain because they haven't enough clothes or are bored as they have nothing to play with/do... You really can't win.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now