I HATE weekends

[Whatdoesthefoxthink]

God I hope someone understands because I'm seriously considering leaving over this.

I hate hate hate weekends. I hate every one of them. DP has his kids (17 and 18) EVERY weekend, Saturday until Sunday. EVERY weekend is the same. Friday afternoon DP and I spend the afternoon together because secretly, we both know the next couple of days will involve arguing with each other, ignoring each other or simply avoiding each other. Why? because he does not want to know me when his kids are here.

Saturday he picks the kids up at 4pm but doesn't want to do anything before then as he's so concerned about getting home on time to pick the "kids" up (they're adults now really, to be fair).

Then Saturday evening is spent with the 17 year old dominating the TV and the 18 year old dominating the computer. I'm wandering around the house bored to death. This goes on well into the night so I go to bed (alone, usually). Sunday morning - same. 17 year old straight onto the TV and 18 year old straight onto the computer. Nobody speaks, nobody talks to each other. It's boring and depressing.

I've just asked DP what we're doing this weekend and his reply was that he's taking his kids to football at 3pm and they'll be back about 5.30. Then see above as to what my saturday night will entail.

Yesterday we got invited to a night out in a couple of weeks on a saturday night. I thought "oh that will make a change!" until DP suggested that DSS1 come with us as he's 18 and will be allowed in the bar. He won't bring any money with him so DP and I will have to really, really limit what we're drinking as we'll be buying drinks for 3 people and of course ... I'll now be ignored all night. No point in me going actually.

Not sure it's worth it to be honest. I've tried talking to him and he gets all defensive and decides I have something against his kids.

[isitsnowingyet]

I'm wandering around the house bored to death.

I don't have step children. But really, can you not entertain yourself without help from your DP? Maybe go for a meal/drinks with your own friends?

[Tory79]

Well at 17 and 18 I can't imagine they'll want to spend every Saturday night at their dada for too much longer!

But if you know that's what the weekends will be like, then make your own plans, see friends, do stuff on your own.... The more you do, the less resentful you will feel.

[GemmaPomPom]

He won't bring any money with him so DP and I will have to really, really limit what we drink as we will be buying drinks for 3 people.

Have you any idea how miserly that makes you sound?

[Bonsoir]

Having a 17 and an 18 year old over every Saturday night does indeed sound like a recipe for disaster! Don't they want to go out with their friends?

[Viviennemary]

It does sound as if you are very unhappy with the situation. I think you should seriously think about calling it a day because his children must be aware of how much you resent them.

[Middleagedmotheroftwo]

I think the kids' behaviour is pretty typical of a 17 or 18 year old, particularly one who has to spend time in with their Dad instead of out with their mates.

If DH insistes on staying in with the kids, do what others suggest and take the opportunity to catch up with your own friends. TBH, you cant' blame DH for wanting to spend time with his children if he doesn't get the opportunity to see them all week, even now they are almost adults.

It's also perfectly acceptable for a parent to want to treat their children on a night out, and not expect them to pay their way.

[Petal02]

Ah, access weekends for adults ……. OP, you have my sympathies. Until last September I was in a similar position, although thankfully there was only one step child on alternate weekends, not two of them every weekend. Real life used to be suspended from 4pm Thursday til 6pm Sunday, and we often had to take DSS18 out with us on social occasions, simply because it was an access weekend.

Why on earth an 18yr old would want to spend weekends like this was a mystery, but he did, and DH thought it was all quite normal. I used to tear my hair out with frustration; yes, there was no reason why I couldn’t have gone out with friends, but having to absent myself from my home and husband while he entertained a male teenager seemed very weird indeed.

Of course teenagers still want to spend time with their parents, but I think a more relaxed arrangement is better as children get older.

What happened to change things? University, that’s what. If it hadn’t been for Uni, I’m pretty sure the situation would have continued indefinitely. This is one of the perils of strictly controlled access regimes; the routine becomes ingrained and continues long after it ceases to make any sense. It would probably work very well for younger children, but once they’re practically adults it becomes ridiculous. And it seems to make the children involved very clingy; I’ve never heard of an 18 yr old in a ‘together’ family wanting to go out drinking with his parents on a Saturday night !!!!!!

[mrssnodge]

I totally sympathise, DSD nearly 15, comes every weekend, fri 3pm, until 6pm Sunday, me and DP both work mon to fri full time & we have no time whatseover together at weekends! She never speaks to me, is sullen, moody and spoilt-DP thinks its great that we all get on- err no we dont- I just keep the peace by seething silently( & odd little digs)! I do occasionally go out with friends, but cant go out all weekend!
Although I love Dp to bits, im finding it harder & harder to witness his disney behaviour and her moody- spoilt ways.
I had my DM at mine yesterday for sunday lunch/mother day- and DSD did not utter one word to my DM the whole day- its was so rude!
Ths was after I had been shopping for her mothers day present for her to give her DM! then she put a sloppy FB post on about her mum, and never even grunted happy mothers day to me!
OP- I hope you get things sorted soon- at 18 I would like to think they would stop coming so much!!
I have spoken to Dp about this, and he gets all defensive and says well I lived with yr DC x 3- which he did but now they have flown the nest,but they were nice!!!

[Petal02]

I suspect that a lot of teenagers/young adults who adhere to strict weekend visiting patterns, only do so because (a) the ex insists on it; and/or (b) they've been brainwashed into thinking that regimented access just HAS to happen. It never seems like a particularly healthy situation.

[brdgrl]

Apart from anything else...I do just have to wonder about this:
I think you should seriously think about calling it a day because his children must be aware of how much you resent them.
So if the kids are unhappy, she should end her relationship. Riiiiiiight.

[allnewtaketwo]

OP I sympathise, am in a very similar situation (with an 18yo) except thankfully it's not every weekend but EOW. Its very claustrophobic, frustrating and depressing, I agree.

In my experience there's nothing you can do about it - I certainly haven't been able to influence the situation at all. I personally see no end in sight, and fully expect to have a 20 something year old coming on access visits.

[TheGirlFromIpanema]

How do you feel about your dp preferring to sit in apparent silence with his dc whilst you are wandering around the house being bored?

You do realise that he is your problem. Not them.

[Petal02]

OP - is this arrangement continuing because anyone wants it to continue, or is it a case of "we've always done it like this"?

[allnewtaketwo]

No doubt it's because the DH wants here to be in there with them, all playing happy families. The fact that this sort of forced situation with "children" of "adult" ages is plain weird probably doesn't occur to him. And the OP being bored and frustrated will be a poor second to keeping the poor little step-visitors entertained

[Petal02]

I agree it's a very forced situation.

[BeverleyMoss]

well that didn't take long , who says she resents them , if anything she quite understandably resents the situation in which every weekend she is unable to relax in her home with her partner.

As Petal says, why is this happening and are they willing visitors, why haven't they got sociallising to do?

[Petal02]

Beverley you're spot on with your observation that it tends to be the situation that causes resentment, not the step-adults involved. I'm not going to call them children, because they're not!!!!!

[Viviennemary]

I am backtracking now. Sorry for being harsh. And I agree they should come every alternate weekend.

[allnewtaketwo]

why should they even come EOW though, I don't get it. They're not little kids, why does it have to be so programmed and robotic - does nobody have anything better to do? Why can't they spend time together at a time other than 24/7 at weekends?

[Petal02]

"Robotic" is a very good description. Even once we managed to break the EOW cycle, we still had to come up with a replacement schedule. There was no chance of a flexible, ad hoc situation - whatever we did on Week One, had to be repeated on Week Two, Week Three etc etc ....... It was just so unnatural.

[ScarletWomanoftheVillage]

This sounds absolutely miserable, OP and these suggestions that you get something else to do with your tine are all very well but that's a bit much every weekend. Why do they come every weekend? Is their dad trying to make up for leaving them? Do they have friends? Do they actually want to be there?

What about organising something to do for all of you, go bowling, cinema, Long walk, get them helping with a house project? Why are they spending so much time on tv and computer and what are you and their dad doing while they do that?

I really feel for you, but they will grow up eventually and want to spread their wings. Sad he doesn't want to know you when they are there as that's quite a lot of the time. Don't think I could tolerate this.

[Petal02]

DH used to try to arrange child-friendly activities, like bowling, that he thought we could all join in. But that also felt rather contrived: me, DH and 18 yr old DSS all trooping off to the bowling alley, for parent/child quality time - when in fact the child was an adult. Some of these access arrangements really infantilise the teenagers concerned; I think some non-resident Dads really fail to notice (or choose to ignore) that their children are becoming adults.

[UC]

If they are 17/18, why can't they come when it suits them and you? It does sound awful OP, and I agree with the posters above who say it's your DP who's got the problem.

When I was 17/19, I went out most Friday and Saturday nights, and saw my parents during the day (when I/they were in). Or I babysat for neighbours and earned some money. Once I could drive, I didn't even ask them for lifts. And they also went out sometimes on Fri/Sat nights, leaving me at home doing my own thing. Surely that's normal?

I don't think I could live how you are every weekend. It is ridiculous to suggest that OP should make "her own plans" EVERY SINGLE weekend, because DP chooses to entertain two almost-adults.

How do the DCs feel about spending all this time in with their dad? Wouldn't they rather be doing something else?

[CocoCha]

Hang on. My kids are 17 and 15 and don't need us with them all weekend. You can go out without them, they'd probably like that. Why don't they have their own social lives?

[Funnyfoot]

I would sit down as a family and ask the SDC what they want. It sounds as if weekend contact has just become a habit for everyone.
They are old enough to visit during the week if they want to do there own thing on a weekend or they can at least tell you if they would prefer to do something.
At the end of the day YOU do not need to stay in with them every weekend. Go off and meet friends/shopping/cinema because if you don't start doing something the resentment you feel will take over the relationship. Your DH is choosing to be with them doing nothing all weekend, you don't have to.