Date night ambush - what should we do?

(132 Posts)
Russianfudge Wed 26-Mar-14 13:58:36

My DSD used to come on set days 50/50, she went through a stage of no contact following years of an alienation campaign by her mother, then when she started coming again it coincided with her reaching an age where a contact rota wasn't really appropriate so she comes and goes as she pleases now. Well, she's only allowed a certain number of times in a month as Mum wants to protect her CM hmm

Anyway. Wednesday night has always been our "date night" midweek, no kids. We have really long hours, stressful jobs and it is so nice to have one night a week where we can just be ourselves, not step mum/ Dad/ Mum etc. DSD usually favours coming on a weekend so even if my DD isn't here, we have one kid at least.

Now, our view was very much that this is DSD's home and she is always welcome here. That is what we told her. However, since this has been in place, she has treated it less and less like her home. She doesn't contribute anything at all and she only comes on "fun" days when she knows she'll get taken out for dinner or similar. She has told us as much.

Part of me thinks - she's his DD and it's her home and she should come when she likes. Part of me thinks - why can't his commitment to his plans with me come first, why should we drop everything for her? And why should she get the message that our plans come second to her whim?

She's 15 btw.

A big part of me wishes he wouldn't ask me my opinion and just tell her no. I could just tell him "you decide" but that would be testing him and is therefore unfair.

QueenTea33 Sat 29-Mar-14 22:53:27

reality I am a step mum. It was intended as a joke as the crossed out statement is one which we get flung at us occasionally if we encounter difficulties with our sc and look for help on here.

I did point out that I was outraged by all the step mum bashing. We get flamed, unfairly, an awful lot. As seen right here on this very thread.

Realitybitesyourbum Sat 29-Mar-14 22:41:18

Queentea are you a step mum? You have no idea what it is like to be a step mum, how stressful and difficult it is until you are one. If you don't have that experience then you shouldn't comment as you have no bloody idea how tricky it is.

Snoozybird Sat 29-Mar-14 22:27:09

I just read a quote I really liked in an article about ways to keep your relationship healthy:

"A hard challenge for couples with children is carving out couples time without the kids...Remember therefore what they say in an airplane: put on your oxygen mask before you help your children. Your couplehood is critically important to your children's survival."

This wasn't said specifically in the context of step-parenting but to me it perfectly illustrates the importance of nurturing your relationship with your DP/spouse - unhappy parents do not equal happy children in any family set-up.

RandomMess Sat 29-Mar-14 21:40:21

I am the NRP of my eldest, when she comes to stay she offers to babysit for her half siblings so we can go out - LOL!!! Before she was 16 it would be her and her older boyfriend doing the sitting.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Sat 29-Mar-14 21:30:27

The sm's seem to have bitten back on this thread though and sent the goady ones packing
wine All round hope it lasts

Sophiathesnowfairy Sat 29-Mar-14 18:06:31

I think so. Keep it up. Xx

Russianfudge Sat 29-Mar-14 17:48:06

Thank you Sophia, I really like that theory. Maybe perversely it's the time we spend on making our relationship strong that makes her want to be here!

Sophiathesnowfairy Sat 29-Mar-14 17:41:42

I also have an interesting family set up and actually feel quality time with my DH is a priority to help things run smoothly.

Sophiathesnowfairy Sat 29-Mar-14 17:38:33

russianfudge I am a bit late to the party but if you don't want to call it date night to DSD because of the connotations we call it party night! I agree your time as a couple is vital for your relationship and if your relationship is nurtured and you are happy the kids will pick up on this and they will feel secure and happy. Which possibly is why DSD likes to be at your house.

Hope it works out. Xx

QueenTea33 Sat 29-Mar-14 17:26:12

I've just read this entire thread and can't believe the amount of sm bashing going on. So many double standards shock

Mind you, op, you should have known what you were getting yourself into when you first got involved with a man with children grin

Russianfudge Sat 29-Mar-14 17:04:18

Personally I don't think that children of any age should have any understanding of the fact that contact is linked to maintenance. I find it completely tasteless.

Russianfudge Sat 29-Mar-14 17:03:01

Reality, DH said to his ex he absolutely wouldn't change the CM if dsd came for even seven days a week on occasions, or if she regularly started coming for three nights. But he can't say categorically that he won't reduce it no matter when she comes as it would be disingenuous. If dsd went back to coming four or five days and nights every week (which involve weekends) we couldn't possibly afford to continue to hand over the money we do currently and cover all dsds costs sadly.

RandomMess Sat 29-Mar-14 16:46:59

It sounds as though he's made the break from his mum at least wink hopefully he will continue to mature and actually develop a life full of friends and interests and shock horror become responsible for seeing you both by mutual agreement!

Petal02 Sat 29-Mar-14 16:44:25

Random DSS is loving Uni and we saw him briefly over Christmas. He's not been home since. I'm a little anxious about what the long summer break will entail, but life is far more sane these days.

Realitybitesyourbum Sat 29-Mar-14 16:21:35

Why don't you make it clear to dsd's mum that you Will not reduce cm however often she is at yours? Might reduce the pay per view attitude.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Sat 29-Mar-14 16:17:21

Actually once to try to make me look unreasonable for daring to say I didn't like the contact by proxy that was going on at ours, p took SS to work for the day.
Boss wasn't amused, neither was SS as he was 'bored shitless' his words, and I simply didn't bite. This was on top of the hotel stuff.

I am honestly and sincerely glad that's over and done with and no longer my problem tbh

RandomMess Sat 29-Mar-14 16:10:43

Well Petal nothing would actually surprise me about your dh and dss! How is it going now he is at university, has the rota diminished at all?

Petal02 Sat 29-Mar-14 16:00:37

Random that's not as far fetched as it sounds. DH regularly had to work short days (not ideal if you're a builder) if it meant accommodating DSS's wishes.

RandomMess Sat 29-Mar-14 15:32:45

I think it's hysterical that people think you should continually change your weekly plans to suit when I 15 year old decides she wants to come confused. Perhaps if she wants to come for lunch on a weekday you should blag a day off work too?????

sceptictank Sat 29-Mar-14 15:06:01

no double standards at all no sirreee

i truly don t understand how the 2nd family children can so swiftly be side lined in favour of the 1st. surely all of the kids are entitled to the same level of support? if indeed you are only thinking of the children. i may know nothing however not actually having given birth myself

Russianfudge Sat 29-Mar-14 14:53:30

I really don't want to be rude but I'm still marvelling over the suggestion that my Dd who is 7 should have a babysitter whilst we go out, but that we should stay in for my dsd who is 15 shockshockshock

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Sat 29-Mar-14 14:15:19

Bwahaha I like you can you stay grin

simply cannot wait for the usual suspects to come back and find out their sniping has had no effect

sceptictank Sat 29-Mar-14 14:11:54

why thank you, i shall place it in the cabinet next to the poison apple

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Sat 29-Mar-14 14:05:28

After that post you can have mine gimmer grin

sceptictank Sat 29-Mar-14 14:01:25

sorry russian just couldnt resist. i ve read the step boards for a while and some of the responses well they re like cat nip to a sarcastic so so like me.

lordy petal things are much worst than i feared if my post could actually have passed for a valid response, that in itself is worrying

im glad you enjoyed your date night and low and behold sd doesn t appear to have suffered any major psychological scarring
p.s loved your response to sparkly re door, keep up the good work

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