DSD - Silent moody treatment- Spoilt Madam

(118 Posts)
mrssnodge Mon 24-Mar-14 16:07:55

MY DSd 14 nearly 15, is so moody and does not speak to me- She stays evey weekend, from fri eve to sun eve, speaks to DP like shit then wraps him aound her finger , is so spoiled- DP constantly buys her things he cant afford- He sometimes works on Saturdays and leaves me with her, she does not move out of her( recently decorated by me) bedroom until he comes in at 2pm and says 'im starving'- he asks could u not have made her something to eat? err -of course if she came and asked me I would!! but Im not doing room service--my own 3 dc have all left home- - didnt do it for them),
In her room, she has sky tv, lap top, i pod, etc, but insists on sitting on top of us all the time- fine if she had a conversation- but she speaks to DP only & not me, eben though its nearly always me running in nd out with food, nibbles etc I never get a thanks-
DP says she is just shy- she wont speak to my DM or Dc if they visit, and goes upstairs then- I feel awful bitching about her but its getting so bad- this is 7 years on and I dont think I can put up with this much longer, when will she stop coming every weekend!????
She also has a friend to stay too everything other weekend, I prefer her bloody mate- shes lovely and chatty,!!!

elliebellys Mon 24-Mar-14 16:52:22

Why on earth are you fetchings things for her?.she is capable of getting what she wants herself.stop enabling that behaviour.

AutumnBlue Mon 24-Mar-14 17:34:33

Why should you be making her food? At 14 she should be more than capable of helping out making a family meal or a snack if she is hungry.

As Ellie says, I'd stop running around after her - leave her do her own running round if she wants something. If she knows she can get away with you doing the running around she's going to carry on.

If you stop, she'll soon learn that she has no choice but to get it herself if she's hungry.

theredchicken Mon 24-Mar-14 20:48:38

I feel your pain, my dsd aged 18 does all that you describe. My dp would not expect me to provide room service though!

She literally will sit with us and follow us around but only answers with one word answers and doesn't initiate conversation or even eye contact if someone walks in the room. She can literally be like this all weekend. hmm She hasn't had a friend over for about 4 years. She does gave a boyfriend though so she must at least talk to him! It just creates an atmosphere and she's just like a shadow following us around.

I have really tried to engage and include her in things but I have given up now. She's an adult who, for whatever reason chooses to behave as she does. We do have times where she will chat but mostly she's as you describe.

I try to accept how she is and remember that she could be so much worse. Dp gets frustrated with her and does a lot more coaxing than I would ever do.

Try and take the positive. She's not screaming obscenities at you. I'd get on with my life and let her sulk.

Russianfudge Tue 25-Mar-14 07:50:10

Every weekend? When do you and DH get time alone? What would he say if you said you wanted to go away for a Saturday night? If the friend comes to you on alternate weekends surely she could go to the friend sometimes? In any relationship 14/15 is around the age when mum and dad get some time back for themselves.

You need to take back the control. YOU are the woman of the house. Stop running around immediately. We don't run around getting things for people who are rude to us! And on the Saturday, go out! Leave a note in the kitchen saying, "I've gone out for the day, help yourself to x, y, z. Have a lovely day" if she doesn't get out if bed then tough shit if she's hungry. She's not a baby.

Sorry, this really angers me!

Morgause Tue 25-Mar-14 07:53:11

To start with I'd tell DH that access is for him, not you. If he isn't there then neither is his daughter, as she can't be civil to you.

If he's working then he'll have to make other arrangements for her with her DM or another relative.

You shouldn't have to put up with such rude behaviour. And stop running round after her.

mrssnodge Tue 25-Mar-14 09:31:55

oh thanks for your replies! yr right I will stop the running around, making meals - this all started from trying to make her feel comfy and looked after and all the nice food she wanted to eat,-ok when she was 7/ now its expected and Im sick of it
We never go away for the weekend,do have the odd meal out if her friend is there, and leave them for a couple of hrs- she never stays at the friends house- no its too bloody comfortable in ours!
My Dc have all left home, and I feel its time I had a life now,Im only 46! but no we have to have her EW- from the time i come in from work on fri, to sun eve she is there!
I really thought at about 13/14 she would want to go to town shopping with mates, sleepovers and not want to spend so much time with her dad, - my DC were so independent and i hardly seen them unless for food!

We only get time for ourselves on a weekday after work, and although I understand DP needs to see her, spend time with her, its now at the point im working overtime on a saturday too, to get out of my own house!

This week she has work experience and Dp - of course had to buy her 3 outfits as her clothes are so unsuitable- ( leggings and crop tops always and dont get me started on the arse hanging out denim shorts she insists on wearing in the summer!

Rant over- I will stop the running around, cleaning, cooking and go shopping and drink more wine and let it go over my head and spend my weekends with my two gorgeous grandbabies 7mo and 4 mo!!!

brdgrl Tue 25-Mar-14 09:57:41

I can relate to this, my DSD was similar at 14-15-16 (but she was at home ALL the time!). There were a few things that worked very well for us...

If your DSD's birthday is coming up, maybe you could use that as an opportunity for a conversation about increased responsibility and maturity. Does she get pocket money from DH?

One thing that worked for us was we increased DSD's pocket money, and also gave her assigned chores. Half the pocket money was "automatic", and the other half was linked to doing her chores properly and without excessive prompting or complaining. She then became responsible for paying for her own 'non-essential' items. So we would have bought the outfits for work experience, but not make-up, clothes she didn't truly need, cinema tickets, and so on. Before this, DH would basically have bought her anything she wanted and she had a very entitled and wasteful attitude.

She should have chores at your house. If she is there three evenings, get her to cook and wash up for one meal - start with something simple and move on - if it is totally foreign to her, then you or DH can do it with her the first few times, but maybe fix upon a dish which will be her 'specialty' and she can fix every weekend. Maybe one other chore over the course of the weekend - hoovering, perhaps?

When you did up her room for her, did you include a laundry basket and a bin? Does she use them? Do you do her laundry or does it go back with her?

At 15, too, she can be responsible for her own breakfasts and lunches. Talk to her about what she'd like you to have in - I get the DSC the cereal they prefer and reasonably healthy lunch and snack food, and they sort themselves out; I might do brunch on a Sunday if everyone is around, but I do it when I feel like it, not as an expectation.

And yes! Stop running in with nibbles and so on. Start asking her to go fetch things for you guys, or to put a pot of tea on, once in a while.

mrssnodge Tue 25-Mar-14 10:13:14

she cant even make a cup of tea! I recently stood over her and made her/showed her how to do it- with Dp at her side, laughing and saying she doesnt even drink tea, so why should she do it -
Her new bedroom was my sons old room, the biggest in the house- DP bought most of the new things, and she does at least keep this clean- she also takes her washing home.
Never washes up or lefts a finger, apart from the day we swapped rooms for her, I made her help clean before decorating and I think she actually enjoyed it- but since then nothing .
I agree with the pocket money/allowance thing- he gives her too much and that makes her entitled, - I also know she does nothing at home-( but her Dm is a lazy person too! lol!)
DP has just text my to say he has an early finish so is going to pick her up after work experience today- ah bless she cant manage a 10 min walk home either-its a 40 min drive, there and back!
I know im coming across bitter etc, and he is equally to blame, I just hope she discovers boys and mates soon, I know she will drop Dp like a brick when that happens! Not sure if Dp will be relieved or hurt but I wil be a lot happier without her EW!!!!!!

mrssnodge Tue 25-Mar-14 10:13:19

she cant even make a cup of tea! I recently stood over her and made her/showed her how to do it- with Dp at her side, laughing and saying she doesnt even drink tea, so why should she do it -
Her new bedroom was my sons old room, the biggest in the house- DP bought most of the new things, and she does at least keep this clean- she also takes her washing home.
Never washes up or lefts a finger, apart from the day we swapped rooms for her, I made her help clean before decorating and I think she actually enjoyed it- but since then nothing .
I agree with the pocket money/allowance thing- he gives her too much and that makes her entitled, - I also know she does nothing at home-( but her Dm is a lazy person too! lol!)
DP has just text my to say he has an early finish so is going to pick her up after work experience today- ah bless she cant manage a 10 min walk home either-its a 40 min drive, there and back!
I know im coming across bitter etc, and he is equally to blame, I just hope she discovers boys and mates soon, I know she will drop Dp like a brick when that happens! Not sure if Dp will be relieved or hurt but I wil be a lot happier without her EW!!!!!!

mrssnodge Tue 25-Mar-14 10:13:19

she cant even make a cup of tea! I recently stood over her and made her/showed her how to do it- with Dp at her side, laughing and saying she doesnt even drink tea, so why should she do it -
Her new bedroom was my sons old room, the biggest in the house- DP bought most of the new things, and she does at least keep this clean- she also takes her washing home.
Never washes up or lefts a finger, apart from the day we swapped rooms for her, I made her help clean before decorating and I think she actually enjoyed it- but since then nothing .
I agree with the pocket money/allowance thing- he gives her too much and that makes her entitled, - I also know she does nothing at home-( but her Dm is a lazy person too! lol!)
DP has just text my to say he has an early finish so is going to pick her up after work experience today- ah bless she cant manage a 10 min walk home either-its a 40 min drive, there and back!
I know im coming across bitter etc, and he is equally to blame, I just hope she discovers boys and mates soon, I know she will drop Dp like a brick when that happens! Not sure if Dp will be relieved or hurt but I wil be a lot happier without her EW!!!!!!

mrssnodge Tue 25-Mar-14 10:13:19

she cant even make a cup of tea! I recently stood over her and made her/showed her how to do it- with Dp at her side, laughing and saying she doesnt even drink tea, so why should she do it -
Her new bedroom was my sons old room, the biggest in the house- DP bought most of the new things, and she does at least keep this clean- she also takes her washing home.
Never washes up or lefts a finger, apart from the day we swapped rooms for her, I made her help clean before decorating and I think she actually enjoyed it- but since then nothing .
I agree with the pocket money/allowance thing- he gives her too much and that makes her entitled, - I also know she does nothing at home-( but her Dm is a lazy person too! lol!)
DP has just text my to say he has an early finish so is going to pick her up after work experience today- ah bless she cant manage a 10 min walk home either-its a 40 min drive, there and back!
I know im coming across bitter etc, and he is equally to blame, I just hope she discovers boys and mates soon, I know she will drop Dp like a brick when that happens! Not sure if Dp will be relieved or hurt but I wil be a lot happier without her EW!!!!!!

mrssnodge Tue 25-Mar-14 10:13:24

she cant even make a cup of tea! I recently stood over her and made her/showed her how to do it- with Dp at her side, laughing and saying she doesnt even drink tea, so why should she do it -
Her new bedroom was my sons old room, the biggest in the house- DP bought most of the new things, and she does at least keep this clean- she also takes her washing home.
Never washes up or lefts a finger, apart from the day we swapped rooms for her, I made her help clean before decorating and I think she actually enjoyed it- but since then nothing .
I agree with the pocket money/allowance thing- he gives her too much and that makes her entitled, - I also know she does nothing at home-( but her Dm is a lazy person too! lol!)
DP has just text my to say he has an early finish so is going to pick her up after work experience today- ah bless she cant manage a 10 min walk home either-its a 40 min drive, there and back!
I know im coming across bitter etc, and he is equally to blame, I just hope she discovers boys and mates soon, I know she will drop Dp like a brick when that happens! Not sure if Dp will be relieved or hurt but I wil be a lot happier without her EW!!!!!!

mrssnodge Tue 25-Mar-14 10:13:24

she cant even make a cup of tea! I recently stood over her and made her/showed her how to do it- with Dp at her side, laughing and saying she doesnt even drink tea, so why should she do it -
Her new bedroom was my sons old room, the biggest in the house- DP bought most of the new things, and she does at least keep this clean- she also takes her washing home.
Never washes up or lefts a finger, apart from the day we swapped rooms for her, I made her help clean before decorating and I think she actually enjoyed it- but since then nothing .
I agree with the pocket money/allowance thing- he gives her too much and that makes her entitled, - I also know she does nothing at home-( but her Dm is a lazy person too! lol!)
DP has just text my to say he has an early finish so is going to pick her up after work experience today- ah bless she cant manage a 10 min walk home either-its a 40 min drive, there and back!
I know im coming across bitter etc, and he is equally to blame, I just hope she discovers boys and mates soon, I know she will drop Dp like a brick when that happens! Not sure if Dp will be relieved or hurt but I wil be a lot happier without her EW!!!!!!

mrssnodge Tue 25-Mar-14 10:13:25

she cant even make a cup of tea! I recently stood over her and made her/showed her how to do it- with Dp at her side, laughing and saying she doesnt even drink tea, so why should she do it -
Her new bedroom was my sons old room, the biggest in the house- DP bought most of the new things, and she does at least keep this clean- she also takes her washing home.
Never washes up or lefts a finger, apart from the day we swapped rooms for her, I made her help clean before decorating and I think she actually enjoyed it- but since then nothing .
I agree with the pocket money/allowance thing- he gives her too much and that makes her entitled, - I also know she does nothing at home-( but her Dm is a lazy person too! lol!)
DP has just text my to say he has an early finish so is going to pick her up after work experience today- ah bless she cant manage a 10 min walk home either-its a 40 min drive, there and back!
I know im coming across bitter etc, and he is equally to blame, I just hope she discovers boys and mates soon, I know she will drop Dp like a brick when that happens! Not sure if Dp will be relieved or hurt but I wil be a lot happier without her EW!!!!!!

mrssnodge Tue 25-Mar-14 10:13:30

she cant even make a cup of tea! I recently stood over her and made her/showed her how to do it- with Dp at her side, laughing and saying she doesnt even drink tea, so why should she do it -
Her new bedroom was my sons old room, the biggest in the house- DP bought most of the new things, and she does at least keep this clean- she also takes her washing home.
Never washes up or lefts a finger, apart from the day we swapped rooms for her, I made her help clean before decorating and I think she actually enjoyed it- but since then nothing .
I agree with the pocket money/allowance thing- he gives her too much and that makes her entitled, - I also know she does nothing at home-( but her Dm is a lazy person too! lol!)
DP has just text my to say he has an early finish so is going to pick her up after work experience today- ah bless she cant manage a 10 min walk home either-its a 40 min drive, there and back!
I know im coming across bitter etc, and he is equally to blame, I just hope she discovers boys and mates soon, I know she will drop Dp like a brick when that happens! Not sure if Dp will be relieved or hurt but I wil be a lot happier without her EW!!!!!!

mrssnodge Tue 25-Mar-14 10:13:30

she cant even make a cup of tea! I recently stood over her and made her/showed her how to do it- with Dp at her side, laughing and saying she doesnt even drink tea, so why should she do it -
Her new bedroom was my sons old room, the biggest in the house- DP bought most of the new things, and she does at least keep this clean- she also takes her washing home.
Never washes up or lefts a finger, apart from the day we swapped rooms for her, I made her help clean before decorating and I think she actually enjoyed it- but since then nothing .
I agree with the pocket money/allowance thing- he gives her too much and that makes her entitled, - I also know she does nothing at home-( but her Dm is a lazy person too! lol!)
DP has just text my to say he has an early finish so is going to pick her up after work experience today- ah bless she cant manage a 10 min walk home either-its a 40 min drive, there and back!
I know im coming across bitter etc, and he is equally to blame, I just hope she discovers boys and mates soon, I know she will drop Dp like a brick when that happens! Not sure if Dp will be relieved or hurt but I wil be a lot happier without her EW!!!!!!

mrssnodge Tue 25-Mar-14 10:13:30

she cant even make a cup of tea! I recently stood over her and made her/showed her how to do it- with Dp at her side, laughing and saying she doesnt even drink tea, so why should she do it -
Her new bedroom was my sons old room, the biggest in the house- DP bought most of the new things, and she does at least keep this clean- she also takes her washing home.
Never washes up or lefts a finger, apart from the day we swapped rooms for her, I made her help clean before decorating and I think she actually enjoyed it- but since then nothing .
I agree with the pocket money/allowance thing- he gives her too much and that makes her entitled, - I also know she does nothing at home-( but her Dm is a lazy person too! lol!)
DP has just text my to say he has an early finish so is going to pick her up after work experience today- ah bless she cant manage a 10 min walk home either-its a 40 min drive, there and back!
I know im coming across bitter etc, and he is equally to blame, I just hope she discovers boys and mates soon, I know she will drop Dp like a brick when that happens! Not sure if Dp will be relieved or hurt but I wil be a lot happier without her EW!!!!!!

mrssnodge Tue 25-Mar-14 10:13:30

she cant even make a cup of tea! I recently stood over her and made her/showed her how to do it- with Dp at her side, laughing and saying she doesnt even drink tea, so why should she do it -
Her new bedroom was my sons old room, the biggest in the house- DP bought most of the new things, and she does at least keep this clean- she also takes her washing home.
Never washes up or lefts a finger, apart from the day we swapped rooms for her, I made her help clean before decorating and I think she actually enjoyed it- but since then nothing .
I agree with the pocket money/allowance thing- he gives her too much and that makes her entitled, - I also know she does nothing at home-( but her Dm is a lazy person too! lol!)
DP has just text my to say he has an early finish so is going to pick her up after work experience today- ah bless she cant manage a 10 min walk home either-its a 40 min drive, there and back!
I know im coming across bitter etc, and he is equally to blame, I just hope she discovers boys and mates soon, I know she will drop Dp like a brick when that happens! Not sure if Dp will be relieved or hurt but I wil be a lot happier without her EW!!!!!!

mrssnodge Tue 25-Mar-14 10:13:31

she cant even make a cup of tea! I recently stood over her and made her/showed her how to do it- with Dp at her side, laughing and saying she doesnt even drink tea, so why should she do it -
Her new bedroom was my sons old room, the biggest in the house- DP bought most of the new things, and she does at least keep this clean- she also takes her washing home.
Never washes up or lefts a finger, apart from the day we swapped rooms for her, I made her help clean before decorating and I think she actually enjoyed it- but since then nothing .
I agree with the pocket money/allowance thing- he gives her too much and that makes her entitled, - I also know she does nothing at home-( but her Dm is a lazy person too! lol!)
DP has just text my to say he has an early finish so is going to pick her up after work experience today- ah bless she cant manage a 10 min walk home either-its a 40 min drive, there and back!
I know im coming across bitter etc, and he is equally to blame, I just hope she discovers boys and mates soon, I know she will drop Dp like a brick when that happens! Not sure if Dp will be relieved or hurt but I wil be a lot happier without her EW!!!!!!

mrssnodge Tue 25-Mar-14 10:13:31

she cant even make a cup of tea! I recently stood over her and made her/showed her how to do it- with Dp at her side, laughing and saying she doesnt even drink tea, so why should she do it -
Her new bedroom was my sons old room, the biggest in the house- DP bought most of the new things, and she does at least keep this clean- she also takes her washing home.
Never washes up or lefts a finger, apart from the day we swapped rooms for her, I made her help clean before decorating and I think she actually enjoyed it- but since then nothing .
I agree with the pocket money/allowance thing- he gives her too much and that makes her entitled, - I also know she does nothing at home-( but her Dm is a lazy person too! lol!)
DP has just text my to say he has an early finish so is going to pick her up after work experience today- ah bless she cant manage a 10 min walk home either-its a 40 min drive, there and back!
I know im coming across bitter etc, and he is equally to blame, I just hope she discovers boys and mates soon, I know she will drop Dp like a brick when that happens! Not sure if Dp will be relieved or hurt but I wil be a lot happier without her EW!!!!!!

mrssnodge Tue 25-Mar-14 10:13:32

she cant even make a cup of tea! I recently stood over her and made her/showed her how to do it- with Dp at her side, laughing and saying she doesnt even drink tea, so why should she do it -
Her new bedroom was my sons old room, the biggest in the house- DP bought most of the new things, and she does at least keep this clean- she also takes her washing home.
Never washes up or lefts a finger, apart from the day we swapped rooms for her, I made her help clean before decorating and I think she actually enjoyed it- but since then nothing .
I agree with the pocket money/allowance thing- he gives her too much and that makes her entitled, - I also know she does nothing at home-( but her Dm is a lazy person too! lol!)
DP has just text my to say he has an early finish so is going to pick her up after work experience today- ah bless she cant manage a 10 min walk home either-its a 40 min drive, there and back!
I know im coming across bitter etc, and he is equally to blame, I just hope she discovers boys and mates soon, I know she will drop Dp like a brick when that happens! Not sure if Dp will be relieved or hurt but I wil be a lot happier without her EW!!!!!!

mrssnodge Tue 25-Mar-14 10:13:32

she cant even make a cup of tea! I recently stood over her and made her/showed her how to do it- with Dp at her side, laughing and saying she doesnt even drink tea, so why should she do it -
Her new bedroom was my sons old room, the biggest in the house- DP bought most of the new things, and she does at least keep this clean- she also takes her washing home.
Never washes up or lefts a finger, apart from the day we swapped rooms for her, I made her help clean before decorating and I think she actually enjoyed it- but since then nothing .
I agree with the pocket money/allowance thing- he gives her too much and that makes her entitled, - I also know she does nothing at home-( but her Dm is a lazy person too! lol!)
DP has just text my to say he has an early finish so is going to pick her up after work experience today- ah bless she cant manage a 10 min walk home either-its a 40 min drive, there and back!
I know im coming across bitter etc, and he is equally to blame, I just hope she discovers boys and mates soon, I know she will drop Dp like a brick when that happens! Not sure if Dp will be relieved or hurt but I wil be a lot happier without her EW!!!!!!

mrssnodge Tue 25-Mar-14 10:13:32

she cant even make a cup of tea! I recently stood over her and made her/showed her how to do it- with Dp at her side, laughing and saying she doesnt even drink tea, so why should she do it -
Her new bedroom was my sons old room, the biggest in the house- DP bought most of the new things, and she does at least keep this clean- she also takes her washing home.
Never washes up or lefts a finger, apart from the day we swapped rooms for her, I made her help clean before decorating and I think she actually enjoyed it- but since then nothing .
I agree with the pocket money/allowance thing- he gives her too much and that makes her entitled, - I also know she does nothing at home-( but her Dm is a lazy person too! lol!)
DP has just text my to say he has an early finish so is going to pick her up after work experience today- ah bless she cant manage a 10 min walk home either-its a 40 min drive, there and back!
I know im coming across bitter etc, and he is equally to blame, I just hope she discovers boys and mates soon, I know she will drop Dp like a brick when that happens! Not sure if Dp will be relieved or hurt but I wil be a lot happier without her EW!!!!!!

mrssnodge Tue 25-Mar-14 10:13:32

she cant even make a cup of tea! I recently stood over her and made her/showed her how to do it- with Dp at her side, laughing and saying she doesnt even drink tea, so why should she do it -
Her new bedroom was my sons old room, the biggest in the house- DP bought most of the new things, and she does at least keep this clean- she also takes her washing home.
Never washes up or lefts a finger, apart from the day we swapped rooms for her, I made her help clean before decorating and I think she actually enjoyed it- but since then nothing .
I agree with the pocket money/allowance thing- he gives her too much and that makes her entitled, - I also know she does nothing at home-( but her Dm is a lazy person too! lol!)
DP has just text my to say he has an early finish so is going to pick her up after work experience today- ah bless she cant manage a 10 min walk home either-its a 40 min drive, there and back!
I know im coming across bitter etc, and he is equally to blame, I just hope she discovers boys and mates soon, I know she will drop Dp like a brick when that happens! Not sure if Dp will be relieved or hurt but I wil be a lot happier without her EW!!!!!!

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