to expect ex to tell me if his relationship has ended?

(20 Posts)
notthegirlnextdoor Mon 17-Mar-14 08:59:45

Bit of history. Ex introduced new girl (I say girl because she was 19 at the time-ex was 26) over Xmas 2012. I had no idea he was seeing someone, we'd only split 4 months before, I found out cos DD was talking about "we took so and sos dog for a walk today" and I confronted ex and he said she'd seen the girls 4 times. I must admit I was raging at the lack of respect he showed for me by not telling me about her and also introducing her on Boxing Day when it was the first Xmas our girls had without their parents together. Anyway. Told him he was out of order for not telling me and that he'd introduced her a bit earlier than I would have liked but whats done is done etc. Had several problems throughout the first 6 months of 2013 (cancelling overnights cos "we want to go out", not paying full amount of child support because and I quote "so and so and I are going abroad for a fortnight and I need money for the holiday") basically he ended up barely seeing them and in the end I told him he couldn't have them any more. 9 weeks later we met for a chat and he admitted hed been a maasive prat (understatement) and since then hes had them EOW and extra in school holidays.

Gosh thats long! But the kids haven't seen exs GF since October. Eldest keeps asking me "Daddy says shes gone to a different school but when will she be back?" (Shes a Uni Student) I have no clue what to say and I've emailed several times since Xmas 2013 and asked him if they have split. He ignores me them and I won't bring it up when he picks up/drops off the kids as I don't want to risk an argument in front of them. I've asked him for a simple yes or no, and no reply. Its parents evening on Wednesday and hes picking me up as he doesn't know where DDs new school is. Am thinking of asking him then as he can't ignore me.

AIBU? I don't like that he could be lying to the kids, and if they are still together why haven't they seen her? If my DH and I split I would tell ex as thatd be a major change in their life and hes entitled to known these sorts of things.

shey02 Mon 17-Mar-14 10:11:31

Personally, I would keep out of it, I wouldn't be that interested if it were my ex-h to be honest. Let him explain his life to the kids. And also my dp would be very annoyed if I appeared that concerned about my ex-h and his gf.

notthegirlnextdoor Mon 17-Mar-14 10:16:01

I'm concerned because he's lying to the kids. Thry are 5 and 3 and I don't want this to be the start of gfs coming and going through my girls lives. DH and I have discussed it and we agree that he should disclose these sorts of things, he has a son and his mother does inform DH about this sort of thing. I'm not interested in details just a simple yes or no, IMO its common courtesy.

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking Mon 17-Mar-14 10:30:57

I think you need to mind your own business to be honest.

purpleroses Mon 17-Mar-14 10:31:20

There's not much you can do about it really. Your ex is quite young, he seems to be going for even younger GFs, so it may well be that GFs do come and go out of his life for the next few years. Just give your DC as much security as you can at home, and any questions you get about when they'll see the GF again, tell them you don't know and they should ask their dad. It may be that the relationship's unclear and he honestly doesn't know if they're still on, so can't give you a simple yes or no. Or he may just feel it's none of your business. His relationship is to your DCs, not to you. If you feel they need answers, tell them to ask him.

At that age your DCs won't necessarily assume any GF their dad introduces them too is of much significance. And if they come and go a bit, then they'll learn that GFs come and go.

shey02 Mon 17-Mar-14 12:19:12

I totally get where you're coming from, I just disagree really, sorry, no offence meant. Your kids are very young and need very little info at their age. Parents lives are not open books. However, in most cases, we tell our children what we feel they need to know in an age appropriate way. They don't have to know everything... It sounds like they asked him and he gave them an answer. It's not an opportunity for you to step in and dig for more information. If anything for me, it would be a case of detaching and letting go. They can ask him again if they want.

All I'm saying is it has no influence on your relationship with the kids which clearly is your priority, if anything it gives you more stability/security. You cannot control him, nor he you and these things will eat you up if you let them. We live and learn, but you will be in for a very, long, bumpy road if you cannot detach from your ex's life and things that you cannot control.

Petal02 Mon 17-Mar-14 13:10:46

Please don't take this the wrong way, but you sound a bit over-sensitive about the whole situation?

Can I just add that my first husband left me for another woman, and I wouldn't have wanted her within a million miles of my cat, let alone a child, so I do understand why you might feel prickly.

ivykaty44 Mon 17-Mar-14 13:16:35

no need for you to know, if you dc say something like she has gone to a different school. Then you can say oh thats nice for her and make light of it, end of.

FrogbyAnotherName Mon 17-Mar-14 13:27:33

Your kids are very young and need very little info at their age. Parents lives are not open books. However, in most cases, we tell our children what we feel they need to know in an age appropriate way. They don't have to know everything...

Exactly.

Your DCs are not distressed by your ex's g/f absence - sounds like their Dad has managed the issue very well, tbh.

Kaluki Mon 17-Mar-14 13:42:23

I agree - it's nine of your business.
It would be courteous of him to let you know but he doesn't have to. Perhaps he thinks you will gloat or perhaps he is upset? Whatever it's not for you to know. Your have asked and he has told them - if they are bothered they will ask him again.
My ex has had a string of girlfriends and my dc got to the point where they would have bets on how long each one would last!!!

mymiraclebubba Mon 17-Mar-14 19:56:46

I do understand your concern OP however it really is non of your business. When the kids are with him it is up to him who he introduces them to, yes it is not appropriate for endless girls to wander in and out of their lives but he is their dad and you really can't do anything to stop it.

It may just be that if she is at uni they have chosen to only see each other when he hasn't got your children. He has no obligation to inform you of his relationship status.

Russianfudge Tue 18-Mar-14 14:58:22

Did the kids even know she was daddy's girlfriend? Would they even understand that concept?

Saying she's gone back to a different school is exactly the kind of thing I wish my ex would have told my dd when she was tiny and he had lots of relationships. As it was she knew the whole "we've broken up and she won't be coming again" thing. Poor kid witnessed so many break ups never mind that of her own mum and dad.

Any way, make light of it with the kids, never question them, and leave your ex to it. It doesn't really matter.

Bluebees Tue 18-Mar-14 17:44:54

He's your ex. That means you have no right to dictate what he does or doesn't do and no right to demand he tells you anything about his new relationship. As long as your DDs are safe and well treated the rest is not your business I'm afraid. I don't mean to sound harsh but imagine if the tables were turned - you'd probably be livid if he demanded to know your every move.
Focus on your own life and leave him to his.

peppersquint Sun 23-Mar-14 10:51:49

I understand your concerns OP but think it is none of your business.

Put the boot on the other foot - how would YOU feel if you were in that situation and your ex was asking you the questions you are asking your ex?

Most of us would be telling him to butt out I think.

AutumnBlue Sun 23-Mar-14 12:12:14

If anything happened between DH and I, I'd expect him to tell the DSC but I wouldn't think it a priority to tell their mum. The DSC could pass that on.

The same would be if we'd split and he met someone else but ended up splitting from them. It would be none of my business what he gets up to in his private life. It shouldn't have any bearing on him as a father and how he is with the children, so therefore would have ziltch to do with me.

hoobypickypicky Sun 23-Mar-14 12:18:45

"If my DH and I split I would tell ex as thatd be a major change in their life and hes entitled to known these sorts of things."

No he's not! Neither are you "entitled" to know about his private life. Because that's what it is, it's his and it's private. Your relationship with him is over, he can do as he pleases and as long as he isn't causing your children significant harm whatever he does, says or doesn't say is none of your business.

Sorry to be so blunt but better it coming from MN than from a very affronted, indignant and riled ex husband. For all your sakes, just let it be.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Sun 23-Mar-14 12:24:31

Yup, it's not really any of your business.

However- if he did keep you vaguely informed, that would undoubtedly be good for the kids.

So what you could do is point out to him that the less he keeps you in the loop, which is just good co-parenting strategy, the less you'll keep him in the loop - why should you when he totally disregards you? And, as the children live with you, he will end up more disadvantaged by this. Certainly he'll end up realising how much you probably organise which he benefits from. Take the parents' evening, for example. He doesn't know where the school is? Good thing YOU'RE helping him, then. Maybe you should be just telling him to keep abreast of all that himself- contact school himself, arrange getting newsletters so he'll know when parents' evening is, find the damn place himself. I mean, you wouldn't want to interfere...

JabberJabberJay Sun 23-Mar-14 12:25:27

I do see where you're coming from but the bottom line is that you have split up and you have no right to quiz your ex about his relationship status.

Please leave it. While it is not desirable to have a constant stream of new GFs in and out of your kids lives, your ex seems to have managed this situation quite well.

You are doing yourself no favours by demanding answers from him.

I know it's hard. My 4 year old drew a picture of 'Daddy and Anna' holding hands last week. I presume she is his new GF but I haven't asked ex about her because it's none of my business.

And I would be most annoyed if he thought he had any right to know if I was in a new relationship.

Maybe83 Sun 23-Mar-14 18:29:57

I'm going against the grain but I think it s courtesy to the other parent to let them know if your in a relationship that affects your shared children.

I don't expect dd to bring back news from either home. If your both adult s I don't under stand why it's an issue to just say. My dd lives with me if a decision I make in my home will have a big affect on her I think it's right her fathers informed. For example new partner moving house new child on the way. My dh treats his son the same way. We all make each other aware when we are away in case of emergency,

Yes my relationship with him is over but my co parenting relationship isn't. Neither is my dh with his ex.

AnguaResurgam Sun 23-Mar-14 18:34:36

I think that,if you are going to have a shot at good co-parenting, then you should keep the other parent in the picture about major life developments.

But you can't police what your XP chooses to do, nor are you likely to persuade him to communicate well if he has no track record for this.

The advice to stand back from what happens in his household is good. If the DC ask questions, the tell them they need to ask Daddy. If they are not asking, don't probe.

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