Ready to walk - horrible Step kids, Ex Wife & DP not much better

(132 Posts)
spillingthebeans Thu 13-Feb-14 17:48:31

Have been wanting to post for some time but it's all such a mess I don't know where to start!!

Been with DP for 3 years, volatile relationship but love him very much. I moved into his place a few months ago, we'd been living between his and mine prior to this. About 6 weeks after I moved in his eldest 2 children (pre teens) turned up on the doorstep after having a row with their mother and wanted to stay. We rang her to let her know they were safe etc. She screamed and shouted, called the police - she hates me and wants her kids to have nothing to do with me. Nothing came of it and they have been here ever since (5 or 6 weeks).

She wont let the other children come here so DP has to go and see them at least twice a week including a weekend day. He is due back in court in a couple of weeks to get the children to come here as we are both unhappy with him going to Ex's home but so far the court seems to be happy with the arrangement, i'm hoping the fact that 2 of the now live with us will make the judge see sense.

I have one child living with us who is very quiet, quite geeky, studious, no trouble - not just saying that because he is mine, I have an older child who was a pain in the bum!! I have a very good relationship with my ex and we parent well together, he has our child 2 nights per week.

Since DP's 2 have moved in i've done everything I can to make them welcome, gone and bought beds, bedding, set up the living room as their bedroom, cooked food they like, taken an interest etc. but also taken a back seat as it's very early days and they don't know me that well. I probably should say here that I have been a step mother before in my previous marriage and had a good relationship with my now adult step children, it wasn't easy but we got there in the end.

Now for the issues:

DP gives them whatever they ask for (for example - he bought another ps3 so they had one each in the same room, they then argued over a game screaming and shouting, really nasty behaviour so he went straight out and bought a duplicate of the game!?!)

They treat the house appallingly, they never take plates out, lie in bed and drop sweet wrappers on the floor, spill drinks, washing all over the floor. When asked to tidy up they moan, shout abuse and the last time the youngest decided to go back to Mums (changed his mind when he got there!)

DP pleads with them 'please do ..... for Daddy' in such a drippy way instead of just telling them to bloody do it. Honestly it drives me mad and I have lost so much respect for the man, it's like he is scared of his own children. They certainly have no respect for him and know that nothing will happen if they don't do what he has asked.

I appear to be the live in Nanny! I work from home so am a sitting target, if the children are off school ill/inservice day. Last week he allowed one of them to stay up on a school night until past 2am, I told him he was being irresponsible and that it would be difficult in the morning, so next morning said child was 'ill' couldn't get out of bed, felt sick etc. I told DP he would have to stay home with him then or take him to his mothers (a SAHM). I was completely disregarded and told he would be fine on his own and DP sauntered off to work leaving me to it!

They have been off school today and again I have been left with them even though mine is at his fathers. DP says they are old enough to be left alone all day - I disagree. I am obviously right because I popped out at lunchtime for 2 hours, came back and they + 2 friends had been in our bedroom and completely trashed the room, sweets everywhere, rubbish, drinks spilt all over the bed. This is the only room we have - I live, work and sleep in one bloody room and even that isn't sacred!

Their diet is appalling, no veg or fruit, DP gives them money every morning and they buy sweets, chocolate, fizzy drinks - not just a little treat, as in todays incident there were 6 2ltr bottles of tizer, 6 packs of sweets (the size you get in the cinema), crisps etc. And DP still buys more for them 'because they like them..'

There is so much more but I have waffled on so much! Think I need a place to vent and get advice - hopefully this is it.

I'm actually moving out on Sunday into a larger place, DP wants him and the kids to come with me - I'm not so sure! sad

ashtrayheart Sat 22-Feb-14 23:09:22

grin Glad you've got him back.

TheMumsRush Sat 22-Feb-14 22:02:48

Ha ha! Spill that made me chuckle grin

spillingthebeans Sat 22-Feb-14 17:34:41

It's my alligator wink

No, a bird - his cage is massive, he's home now though, got him back this morning smile

ashtrayheart Fri 21-Feb-14 22:15:13

I need to know what pet you can't fit in your car? shock
Well done on getting out smile

spillingthebeans Fri 21-Feb-14 19:53:18

Thanks again everyone, i've been thinking today though about how it could never work and how no other relationship will work for him while he is like this!

If he moved in with me (he's not) then I would lose my WFTC/CTC if they take into account his earnings, but 100% of his earnings go to his ExW (which she doesn't have to declare to get benefits) so how do people in second relationships manage to survive?? It's global maintenance and payable until he dies/she dies, she remarries (unlikely when she gets this much!) or a new court order, so not even just CM until the children end education. I guess this is what happens when you represent yourself in court and bury your head in the sand!!

As a friend, I have told him to get a residency order for the two living with him, claim the CB and possible WFTC/CM for them then when the bankruptcy is through go back to court to get it reassessed but I know he won't do any of this - I certainly am not helping him anymore, I have more important things to be doing!!! wink grin

Eliza22 Fri 21-Feb-14 14:33:15

Well done you.... I predict MUCH better things, for your future smile. Keep us posted!

Blu Fri 21-Feb-14 13:51:38

OP, I am glad you have had a good week.

Have a close look at what makes you such a sucker for him. I know you said you feel sorry for him - but the thing us you can't help him because he won't accept any of your advice because he has zero respect for you. He just wants you to put up with the crap he generates (like looking after his kids while you should be working) , rather than sorting his life out and taking some responsibility. The more you feel sorry for him the more he will exploit you. The next thing will be the financial settlement. You will end up supporting him financially.

And beware of seeing yourself a the heroine who is strong enough to rescue him from himself. How far do scenarios like that cover the fact that actually you can't be to be alone / are hooked into the adrenaline and drama?

No one can rescue him until he pro-actively chooses to take some responsibility - for his kids happiness, behaviour, finances and relationships.

You are well out of it. Your DS does not need to live in a situation where his Mum is bound into a toxic relationship - that's as bad for your ds as him spending Valentine's night with his ex is for you.

You are so much stronger without this bloody man. When you get the chance, maybe re-build the friendships that you lost due to him?

Well done for sorting yourself out - onwards and upwards!

BuzzLightbulb Fri 21-Feb-14 12:24:20

Sounds like you've got control of the situation, well done!

And enough wits about you to know you need to be on your guard against his cunning. Stay strong!

spillingthebeans Thu 20-Feb-14 23:09:29

Have PM'd you Mumsrush incase you want to compare notes!

spillingthebeans Thu 20-Feb-14 23:03:02

Early days yet - he's very manipulative and I am a sucker especially when it comes to him for some reason, my phone is currently switched off, I need to get my beloved pet back from him which hopefully I can do in the next few days (can't fit him in my car) but that's the only tie! Then I can go off the radar for a while, i'm hoping to get away abroad for a few days on my own soon too! smile

TheMumsRush Thu 20-Feb-14 22:56:23

smile That would be great! It's hard enough with sc, let alone all the other crap. I'm being urged to call 101 but I don't want him arrested or to even know I've logged it. Hard times ahead for me. We just bought a house so it's not like I can get evicted and get help sad oh well. I'll muddle on. I was following your "story" and really routing for you. You are Iike the one that got away to me and will have a happily ever after thanks

spillingthebeans Thu 20-Feb-14 22:47:49

Only read the first page of your original thread and am shock - get your LO and grab a train to mine - lets have a whinge about men weekend in my new house grin he can put his own bloody pots and pans away!! x

spillingthebeans Thu 20-Feb-14 22:42:39

Will try and find your thread now - it's so easy when you love the bastards to get suckered in and before you know it 5, 10, 20 years have passed being unhappy sad Spoke to my Mum today and she's desperate for me to break free but she knows he still has a grip on me so isn't expecting miracles but i'm so hoping i've done it this time!

TheMumsRush Thu 20-Feb-14 22:38:14

Not quite the same, I think it's DV but I'm still very upset and confused. I have a farewell thread on here from today's events. You are so lucky it's that easy to leave. I've been in denial for do long.

spillingthebeans Thu 20-Feb-14 22:32:57

Thanks smile Feeling very lonely though, need to rebuild my life again which is going to be difficult - i'm not going to rush as I need some time to lick my wounds first hmm

Mumsrush are you in the same situation? x

TheMumsRush Thu 20-Feb-14 22:18:19

So glad you are happy op, I need to do the same.

YeahThatsWhatISaid Thu 20-Feb-14 22:11:26

Glad to hear things are going as well as expected given the circumstances. Look after yourself thanks

spillingthebeans Thu 20-Feb-14 22:08:55

Hi everyone - settled into our new house, very happy!! Have registered a dispute with the deposit company so not a lot more I can do on that front apart from keeping my fingers crossed that common sense will prevail!.

Have heard from 'D'p just via telephone, he is struggling as I knew he would realising that his kids cannot be left alone, and have caused mayhem whilst he's been out - but it's not my problem, also the court have sorted the financial agreement and it's really bad!! I have no sympathy, he could have fought for it to be fair but didn't so it's his loss.

I have DS all week as ex is away, pretty bad timing as I would have liked to go out and have some fun but i'm probably a bit too vunerable at the moment anyway, so i'm grounded smile Thanks for all of the support - it's been a complete life saver!! xx

TheMumsRush Thu 20-Feb-14 10:05:24

How are you op?

BuzzLightbulb Tue 18-Feb-14 11:36:53

On the deposit front I have two experiences.

One where I let a flat and found a broken drawer front soon after moving in but never mentioned it to the letting agent. Lo and behold when I leave I'm charged �50 for the damage. Can't argue, my fault and the agents were horrific so glad to get out with just that.

Secondly, Indian guy I knew at work going back to India. Suddenly finds his deposit is being 100% withheld because the landlord wants to redecorate. I don't recommend this but I phoned the letting agent and told them I was the family solicitor, fair wear and tear was not recoverable, the inventory was signed off and as 'my client' only had a few weks left in the country we'd be going straight to court for the sum plus legal expenses.

The phone on his desk rang half an hour later, cheque in the post.

As I said, not recommended but the fees for the small claims court are cheap, process is simple and letting agents live off their reputation. I'd suggest a brief letter stating the facts and asking for confirmation the deposit will be returned within n days or you'll take them to small claims court.

And then do it. Just the paperwork arriving from the court should be enough.

zipzap Tue 18-Feb-14 09:41:14

Re the deposit - it's worth looking and asking on the legal board - there's been some great advice on there for people in similar situations and some people who know their stuff who might be able to help with the specifics of your situation...

Blu Tue 18-Feb-14 08:54:26

Unhook yourself from the drama of his exW demands.

Put all your energy into things which take you further forward. If there is nothing in it that will contribute to your future do not spend emotional energy on it. It is a form of dependency that is very pernicious.

Tripods advice sounds very good, good luck in pursuit of that. Enjoy half term.

tribpot Tue 18-Feb-14 07:36:23

Why did you open the letter? I'm assuming it wasn't addressed to you - and in any case, his financial woes are not your problem. Leave him to deal (or more accurately fail to deal) with it.

In terms of your deposit, I think the landlord is on a hiding to nothing. The inventory has been signed off by his/her agent. Do you have any photos of the condition of the property when you left?

I would try to speak to Citizen's Advice, or if you can get to a solicitor to write them a sharp letter, this might be money well spent to resolve the problem quickly. The landlord must pay the money back within 10 days of the division of the deposit being agreed, according to this site. Personally I would just notify them of your intention to raise a dispute and you can then put this on ice until after half term. The fee for doing the inventory after you left sounds wrong to me, although according to Shelter this is legal.

So if you can, I would pay the agency their fee and then dispute the deposit separately.

spillingthebeans Tue 18-Feb-14 01:06:05

Thanks Tribot - I did look (struggling to sleep!) it is in a deposit scheme and still there, I checked online. I think the 10 days is recommended but not law unfortunately so looks like I have a battle on my hands - I will fight it as I know the place was spotless when I left, it's just a hastle I don't need.

Found a letter through the door tonight, it's from his exW's solicitor hand delivered (find that creepy!) with a financial settlement proposal for him to sign - it is absolutely ridiculous, she's asking for over £500 per WEEK until she/he dies, she remarries or the court orders otherwise!?!? Seriously?????? If you add that to her benefits (they don't include maintenance in calculations so effectively she is an unemployed mother to more than 3 kids) she would be raking in a shitload for sitting on her ass on facebook all day!!!

He doesn't have that kind of money and even if he did why does it not say until the children reach a certain age? So she could effectively live with a bloke earning a shedload but still get paid £500+ per week even when the kids are grown up? I'm seriously confused - it's like being a kept woman without having to put up with washing his dirty underpants!!! confused Is this normal??????

tribpot Mon 17-Feb-14 23:09:17

Will check this properly tomorrow but as far as I know the landlord only has 10 days to raise issues. Is your deposit held in an official scheme?

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