Ready to walk - horrible Step kids, Ex Wife & DP not much better

(132 Posts)
spillingthebeans Thu 13-Feb-14 17:48:31

Have been wanting to post for some time but it's all such a mess I don't know where to start!!

Been with DP for 3 years, volatile relationship but love him very much. I moved into his place a few months ago, we'd been living between his and mine prior to this. About 6 weeks after I moved in his eldest 2 children (pre teens) turned up on the doorstep after having a row with their mother and wanted to stay. We rang her to let her know they were safe etc. She screamed and shouted, called the police - she hates me and wants her kids to have nothing to do with me. Nothing came of it and they have been here ever since (5 or 6 weeks).

She wont let the other children come here so DP has to go and see them at least twice a week including a weekend day. He is due back in court in a couple of weeks to get the children to come here as we are both unhappy with him going to Ex's home but so far the court seems to be happy with the arrangement, i'm hoping the fact that 2 of the now live with us will make the judge see sense.

I have one child living with us who is very quiet, quite geeky, studious, no trouble - not just saying that because he is mine, I have an older child who was a pain in the bum!! I have a very good relationship with my ex and we parent well together, he has our child 2 nights per week.

Since DP's 2 have moved in i've done everything I can to make them welcome, gone and bought beds, bedding, set up the living room as their bedroom, cooked food they like, taken an interest etc. but also taken a back seat as it's very early days and they don't know me that well. I probably should say here that I have been a step mother before in my previous marriage and had a good relationship with my now adult step children, it wasn't easy but we got there in the end.

Now for the issues:

DP gives them whatever they ask for (for example - he bought another ps3 so they had one each in the same room, they then argued over a game screaming and shouting, really nasty behaviour so he went straight out and bought a duplicate of the game!?!)

They treat the house appallingly, they never take plates out, lie in bed and drop sweet wrappers on the floor, spill drinks, washing all over the floor. When asked to tidy up they moan, shout abuse and the last time the youngest decided to go back to Mums (changed his mind when he got there!)

DP pleads with them 'please do ..... for Daddy' in such a drippy way instead of just telling them to bloody do it. Honestly it drives me mad and I have lost so much respect for the man, it's like he is scared of his own children. They certainly have no respect for him and know that nothing will happen if they don't do what he has asked.

I appear to be the live in Nanny! I work from home so am a sitting target, if the children are off school ill/inservice day. Last week he allowed one of them to stay up on a school night until past 2am, I told him he was being irresponsible and that it would be difficult in the morning, so next morning said child was 'ill' couldn't get out of bed, felt sick etc. I told DP he would have to stay home with him then or take him to his mothers (a SAHM). I was completely disregarded and told he would be fine on his own and DP sauntered off to work leaving me to it!

They have been off school today and again I have been left with them even though mine is at his fathers. DP says they are old enough to be left alone all day - I disagree. I am obviously right because I popped out at lunchtime for 2 hours, came back and they + 2 friends had been in our bedroom and completely trashed the room, sweets everywhere, rubbish, drinks spilt all over the bed. This is the only room we have - I live, work and sleep in one bloody room and even that isn't sacred!

Their diet is appalling, no veg or fruit, DP gives them money every morning and they buy sweets, chocolate, fizzy drinks - not just a little treat, as in todays incident there were 6 2ltr bottles of tizer, 6 packs of sweets (the size you get in the cinema), crisps etc. And DP still buys more for them 'because they like them..'

There is so much more but I have waffled on so much! Think I need a place to vent and get advice - hopefully this is it.

I'm actually moving out on Sunday into a larger place, DP wants him and the kids to come with me - I'm not so sure! sad

Glad to hear that, OP smile Does he realise that he is not also moving now?

Ratbagcatbag Mon 17-Feb-14 12:10:01

was going to ask does he realise he's not coming too?

debbs77 Mon 17-Feb-14 12:27:16

I never message on here but just had to say well done for sticking to your guns and getting out! All the best in your new home xx

Blu Mon 17-Feb-14 19:06:38

Good luck for a smooth proper moving out.

This tranquility and security is the sort of home your child deserves.

I can see that the issues with his kids have brought things to a head, but nothing else you yhave said about him makes him sound like the kind of man to be a good new family member for your DS. Not the volatility, the lack of responsibility for anything, the drinking and abuse, the money problems, the dishonesty (bankrupt but a house in some one else's name), the toxic family and the treating you like shit - going to his ex's on Valentines and dropping your night out. Not the taking you for granted ans leaving you to care for his ill kids, none of it.

In your OP, 4 days ago, you said you love him very much. Do you? Will you feel sorry for him? Miss the adrenaline of the highs of a volatile relationship? Does he still think he can move to your new house?

spillingthebeans Mon 17-Feb-14 20:14:45

Hi everyone, another nightmare day! Cleaning the new house - urgh, other peoples dirt is just so nasty!

Picked up a voicemail from my previous letting agents (my tenancy ended at beginning of Jan) was hoping they would be confirming my returned deposit as I'd had the leaving inventory saying everything was fine but not had the deposit, but she said she'd received an email from the landlady with a list of problems!!!

WTAF - 5 weeks after the tenancy ended and she decides to do this? The place was immaculate when I left, I even replaced the whole kitchen vinyl because of a tiny tear when I moved my washing machine under the counter!

The letting agency have been hastling me to pay a £120 leaving fee for doing the inventory after I moved out and I told them last week I would pay it once my deposit was back as I have just had to pay a deposit on my new house.

I can't ring until tomorrow but surely they can't say in the inventory that the house was fine and then 5 weeks later (after, I presume, many viewings through the house) say there are issues?!? Absolutely fuming and have so much more to be doing for the new house and half term than dealing with this shit!! angry

Blu, in answer to your question, to be honest I don't know if I love him or not, I think i'm just used to the situation and the adrenaline BUT it's not like it used to be, there are so many more lows than highs. I do feel that I am abandoning him in his hour of need (when the going gets tough...) but if we were working together to get through it then I would feel inclined to try for a while longer.

I smoke and this 'addiction' feels similar to trying to stop smoking, you have to be ready to quit either by going cold turkey or nicotine replacement - I'm going to try adrenaline replacement, try to do some volunteer work or a very part time job to meet people, try and catch up with old friends, work harder in my business, have more fun with my kids.. basically try and fill the void myself with 'fun' excitement instead of relying on his fucked up life to keep me entertained - not sure if that makes sense.

He knows they are not moving in but he believes it will happen eventually - yep, maybe in 7 years when his kids are grown up (or in borstal!) grin

Saw a for sale sign outside his ExW's house today - he knew nothing about it! She's threatened before to take the kids away but didn't think she'd go through with it, wonder what she's up to. can't see it selling very quickly though as it's hugely overpriced! More game playing I suspect.

Sorry for mammoth post! blush

Blu Mon 17-Feb-14 20:27:13

Yes, it makes a lot of sense - and I said what I did because in the past I had a long relationship with someone who led a charismatic, but chaotic and ultimately destructive life.

I got a lot from it, but looking back - it was an unhealthy adiction, and nothing to allow a child to have to be dragged into.

Your strategies sound good!

spillingthebeans Mon 17-Feb-14 21:52:28

I thought you may have had experience - it's one of those situations where you know that if it was one of your mates you would want to shake them so hard and knock some sense into them, I think you only 'get it' when you've been through it, I have lost a few friends because of this relationship - I don't blame them.

I was just reading Dodo76's thread about loving him but not his kids (i'm only at the beginning so not sure how it has progressed) but I am screaming - get the hell out of there!!! I'm hardly in a position to say that though am I? I am, however, optimistic about sorting my problem out and am so glad I finally posted on here - the support has been fantastic, thank you everyone :-)

tribpot Mon 17-Feb-14 23:09:17

Will check this properly tomorrow but as far as I know the landlord only has 10 days to raise issues. Is your deposit held in an official scheme?

spillingthebeans Tue 18-Feb-14 01:06:05

Thanks Tribot - I did look (struggling to sleep!) it is in a deposit scheme and still there, I checked online. I think the 10 days is recommended but not law unfortunately so looks like I have a battle on my hands - I will fight it as I know the place was spotless when I left, it's just a hastle I don't need.

Found a letter through the door tonight, it's from his exW's solicitor hand delivered (find that creepy!) with a financial settlement proposal for him to sign - it is absolutely ridiculous, she's asking for over £500 per WEEK until she/he dies, she remarries or the court orders otherwise!?!? Seriously?????? If you add that to her benefits (they don't include maintenance in calculations so effectively she is an unemployed mother to more than 3 kids) she would be raking in a shitload for sitting on her ass on facebook all day!!!

He doesn't have that kind of money and even if he did why does it not say until the children reach a certain age? So she could effectively live with a bloke earning a shedload but still get paid £500+ per week even when the kids are grown up? I'm seriously confused - it's like being a kept woman without having to put up with washing his dirty underpants!!! confused Is this normal??????

tribpot Tue 18-Feb-14 07:36:23

Why did you open the letter? I'm assuming it wasn't addressed to you - and in any case, his financial woes are not your problem. Leave him to deal (or more accurately fail to deal) with it.

In terms of your deposit, I think the landlord is on a hiding to nothing. The inventory has been signed off by his/her agent. Do you have any photos of the condition of the property when you left?

I would try to speak to Citizen's Advice, or if you can get to a solicitor to write them a sharp letter, this might be money well spent to resolve the problem quickly. The landlord must pay the money back within 10 days of the division of the deposit being agreed, according to this site. Personally I would just notify them of your intention to raise a dispute and you can then put this on ice until after half term. The fee for doing the inventory after you left sounds wrong to me, although according to Shelter this is legal.

So if you can, I would pay the agency their fee and then dispute the deposit separately.

Blu Tue 18-Feb-14 08:54:26

Unhook yourself from the drama of his exW demands.

Put all your energy into things which take you further forward. If there is nothing in it that will contribute to your future do not spend emotional energy on it. It is a form of dependency that is very pernicious.

Tripods advice sounds very good, good luck in pursuit of that. Enjoy half term.

zipzap Tue 18-Feb-14 09:41:14

Re the deposit - it's worth looking and asking on the legal board - there's been some great advice on there for people in similar situations and some people who know their stuff who might be able to help with the specifics of your situation...

BuzzLightbulb Tue 18-Feb-14 11:36:53

On the deposit front I have two experiences.

One where I let a flat and found a broken drawer front soon after moving in but never mentioned it to the letting agent. Lo and behold when I leave I'm charged �50 for the damage. Can't argue, my fault and the agents were horrific so glad to get out with just that.

Secondly, Indian guy I knew at work going back to India. Suddenly finds his deposit is being 100% withheld because the landlord wants to redecorate. I don't recommend this but I phoned the letting agent and told them I was the family solicitor, fair wear and tear was not recoverable, the inventory was signed off and as 'my client' only had a few weks left in the country we'd be going straight to court for the sum plus legal expenses.

The phone on his desk rang half an hour later, cheque in the post.

As I said, not recommended but the fees for the small claims court are cheap, process is simple and letting agents live off their reputation. I'd suggest a brief letter stating the facts and asking for confirmation the deposit will be returned within n days or you'll take them to small claims court.

And then do it. Just the paperwork arriving from the court should be enough.

TheMumsRush Thu 20-Feb-14 10:05:24

How are you op?

spillingthebeans Thu 20-Feb-14 22:08:55

Hi everyone - settled into our new house, very happy!! Have registered a dispute with the deposit company so not a lot more I can do on that front apart from keeping my fingers crossed that common sense will prevail!.

Have heard from 'D'p just via telephone, he is struggling as I knew he would realising that his kids cannot be left alone, and have caused mayhem whilst he's been out - but it's not my problem, also the court have sorted the financial agreement and it's really bad!! I have no sympathy, he could have fought for it to be fair but didn't so it's his loss.

I have DS all week as ex is away, pretty bad timing as I would have liked to go out and have some fun but i'm probably a bit too vunerable at the moment anyway, so i'm grounded smile Thanks for all of the support - it's been a complete life saver!! xx

YeahThatsWhatISaid Thu 20-Feb-14 22:11:26

Glad to hear things are going as well as expected given the circumstances. Look after yourself thanks

TheMumsRush Thu 20-Feb-14 22:18:19

So glad you are happy op, I need to do the same.

spillingthebeans Thu 20-Feb-14 22:32:57

Thanks smile Feeling very lonely though, need to rebuild my life again which is going to be difficult - i'm not going to rush as I need some time to lick my wounds first hmm

Mumsrush are you in the same situation? x

TheMumsRush Thu 20-Feb-14 22:38:14

Not quite the same, I think it's DV but I'm still very upset and confused. I have a farewell thread on here from today's events. You are so lucky it's that easy to leave. I've been in denial for do long.

spillingthebeans Thu 20-Feb-14 22:42:39

Will try and find your thread now - it's so easy when you love the bastards to get suckered in and before you know it 5, 10, 20 years have passed being unhappy sad Spoke to my Mum today and she's desperate for me to break free but she knows he still has a grip on me so isn't expecting miracles but i'm so hoping i've done it this time!

spillingthebeans Thu 20-Feb-14 22:47:49

Only read the first page of your original thread and am shock - get your LO and grab a train to mine - lets have a whinge about men weekend in my new house grin he can put his own bloody pots and pans away!! x

TheMumsRush Thu 20-Feb-14 22:56:23

smile That would be great! It's hard enough with sc, let alone all the other crap. I'm being urged to call 101 but I don't want him arrested or to even know I've logged it. Hard times ahead for me. We just bought a house so it's not like I can get evicted and get help sad oh well. I'll muddle on. I was following your "story" and really routing for you. You are Iike the one that got away to me and will have a happily ever after thanks

spillingthebeans Thu 20-Feb-14 23:03:02

Early days yet - he's very manipulative and I am a sucker especially when it comes to him for some reason, my phone is currently switched off, I need to get my beloved pet back from him which hopefully I can do in the next few days (can't fit him in my car) but that's the only tie! Then I can go off the radar for a while, i'm hoping to get away abroad for a few days on my own soon too! smile

spillingthebeans Thu 20-Feb-14 23:09:29

Have PM'd you Mumsrush incase you want to compare notes!

BuzzLightbulb Fri 21-Feb-14 12:24:20

Sounds like you've got control of the situation, well done!

And enough wits about you to know you need to be on your guard against his cunning. Stay strong!

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