How many of you Step-parents...?

(47 Posts)
fubar74 Thu 30-Jan-14 10:20:00

Would think twice about getting into a deep relationship with your DP/DH/DW if you had hindsight?/knew how hard it was going to be?

shey02 Mon 03-Feb-14 23:01:12

Fubar, I had another frustrating convo with dp, me tears and all as usual... I suggested rather than me having to say the same thing over and over and defend myself from criticism. I suggested a book or two, to help him parent a bit differently as being a NRP is very different to being a res. parent to which 'I'm the same dad I've always been, everything's fine'. Really!!?!! Ostrich, head, sand.....................

Kaluki, I'm not sure even that we have much of a choice, most men of a certain age have been married and had kids. Maybe a toyboy is the answer! Seriously though, you make a fair point, I'm starting to think that's the only simple way. I always wanted to be a family again with dp, but realising that's just a dream that he has no idea how to make happen.

Kaluki Mon 03-Feb-14 11:18:40

I think with hindsight I would be with DP but I wouldn't have moved in with him but insisted he keep his own place and I keep mine.
Its the lack of personal space that has caused many of our problems!

fubar74 Mon 03-Feb-14 11:10:53

Shey02 I agree that our DP's/DH's should try and find someone/somewhere they can talk and find out about parenting the way we women do, I told DH that because he doesn't talk to anyone about anything that our situation with his family has become bitter, mainly because people are just making their own minds up about what has happened rather than being told how it really is. In effect he has destroyed the family not his DS.

LJL69 Sun 02-Feb-14 11:29:48

I would still do it..but I would do it differently. I would be clearer about me expectations I think

fackinell Sun 02-Feb-14 00:20:13

Well if I do go, there will be no more Dads for me. One was plenty to confirm what I already knew. No matter how desperate the situation is that I'm in, I will be dropped like a steaming turd if it comes down to it. wink

shey02 Sun 02-Feb-14 00:06:15

What makes my situation worse is the ex and the guilt-parenting from the dp, it is destroying our once perfect, loving, passionate relationship. Wish dp would find a forum or read a book to help him parent better. Giving all the power to the dsc has been a massive, massive mistake and I question my resolve.

matana Sat 01-Feb-14 23:11:44

Yes I'd think twice. And probably come to the same conclusion. We've come a long way and ultimately it's been worth it, despite being young and naive when I met my dh. I have the most wonderful dh and ds, and dsd is part of that family unit. She's amazing and i'm a better person having come through it 11 years on.

fackinell Sat 01-Feb-14 20:37:06

GTA What?! shock

Would love to say mine is worth it but he's really not making an effort at all in this relationship. I'm pretty close to planning my exit route. Ah well, plenty more fish, if I can be arsed. grin

GTA5MASTER Sat 01-Feb-14 18:21:01

I love my husband so much but no with hindsight I wouldn't do it again and that's all thanks to his eldest using his sisters laptop to spy on us when he decided he didn't want to be part of our family. So hurt and upset about it still sad

babynugget Sat 01-Feb-14 13:47:27

I think I would always base my decision on my feelings for the person in question. I knew when I got together with DP that it was going to be hard. I never expected it to be this hard but even if someone could have given me a glimpse of the future I wouldn't have been able to deny myself being with him. We have ups and downs and yes the downs suck big time and make me feel like I'm going crazy but at the end of the day I am with him and I love him and therein lies the silver lining. We argue about his ex, rarely about the DSC themselves, just her negative influence on them. But we get through it and hopefully always will. Having previously been married to a man with no kids and none of our own I know only too well that every relationship is hard and each one with its own unique problems. I know everyone on here has had their own experience and differing degrees of nightmares with DSC/DP/ex but sometimes there needs to be perspective. But in saying that, To those of you having a crappy time right now I hope there are better times round the corner for you and try to remember why you are with that DP of yours - it might make you smile! Xx

fackinell Sat 01-Feb-14 11:17:34

Nope! I wouldn't have gone there. We are making the best of it and generally get on ok most of the time now, but the whole thing has been a giant ball-ache. Not just DSD, it's the hatred from her DM's family (I'm
Not an OW btw) and DP's Disney parenting. I could handle her strops if they were backed up with consequences.

Two years in and I'm not sure even now that I'll stay...

Zamboni Sat 01-Feb-14 11:14:09

I wouldn't change DH or my own DC for the world. I have a good relationship with DSD and her mum.

But if a friend was getting involved with a man with DC, I would caution them against doing so in the strongest possible terms.

It's hard, relentless and draining, even when it all sort of works. And when it isn't working, it's truly miserable.

Tuckshop Sat 01-Feb-14 11:08:16

I know that feeling about not being in control but I do wonder if it would have been easier for me if I had not allowed dsd's mums actions and views to influence me so much. I learnt in the end to detach but it was a lesson in "accept the things you can't change" for me.

I think this time round I am different. It isn't quite the same as dp's children are adults. But I think the lessons I learnt with xh I am now putting into practice with him and his new gf when they are being stroppy and trying to cause difficulties for me. I refuse to allow them to negatively affect my life, I find it easier to focus on what is great instead of whether what they are doing is fair or otherwise.

People ask me why I can be do calm that he pays nothing for either our dd or his dd who also lives with me. I decided I could be angry and have no money, or happy and have no money. I choose the latter.

It's not easy though, took me years to get to this point. I do think that focussing on what is good in your life instead really helps.

fubar74 Sat 01-Feb-14 10:55:19

It's all very sad when I read all these responses, at least I do think feel alone in my heartache, all we really want is an easy life but that will never happen when you are in effect living someone elses as they (exW/DP/DH) arein charge of what happens in your life and how you live it and for a woman with her own children that's something I won't ever be able to do

overthemill Sat 01-Feb-14 10:04:10

What makes me sad is hearing my dd talking as if she is in second place to the older 2(her half siblings) because DH always makes sure he's home early on nights they come, we only holiday when it suits them, we moved counties when DH ex moved so we could keep having as much contact with them. She never gets a say in anything . So for her sake I know we got something wrong

flowerpotgirl12 Sat 01-Feb-14 09:36:19

I wouldn't change a thing with my dp or dsc. I would probably warn people how hard it is going to be anf how it's never just dsc and dp, , it's the ex and his family involving themselves and having an opinion. it's realising that the ex can do no wrong in his families eyes even when she is being appalling. so whilst I wouldn't change dp and dsc I would happily never have his family being so involved

Tuckshop Sat 01-Feb-14 09:18:43

I'd do it again. And I have, although this time round I'm a step-granny too.

It was not any easy ride at all with dsd. There were many times when I thought she hated me, her mum was a nightmare and xh set no boundaries with dsd. But we are through that now and I wouldn't change a thing as its brought me to who I am today and where I am again.

I'd actually be more wary of getting involved with a man without children I think.

FrogStarandRoses Fri 31-Jan-14 17:08:33

berry It says a great deal about society that despite a positive relationship between you, your DSC and their Mum, you still experience that social stigma.

Serobin Fri 31-Jan-14 16:13:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I sometimes resent the social stigma of being a step parent, but I don't wish that I hadn't become one.
That said, I think I have been very lucky because my DSS is a very sweet boy and we have always got on, and his mum has always been friendly towards me, so no hard feelings there. I know it must be much harder for those of you with horror stories.

Eliza22 Fri 31-Jan-14 15:34:00

Agree, it takes a strong (guilt-free) man but mine were all teens when I met them. They have not improved with age and wisdom.

croquet Fri 31-Jan-14 13:50:21

But in a way what most people are saying is that they wouldn't ever again get together with someone whose Ex still had a prominent/controlling/really any role in their life.

I agree with that, but it's not about these men being dads. NRP dads can detach from a crazy ex and give your relationship the space to breathe. But it takes a v. strong man and also, probably, older kids.

Eliza22 Fri 31-Jan-14 12:50:41

Indeed nods head in wise old sage fashion

Kaluki Fri 31-Jan-14 11:59:51

How different our lives would be if we had met these men 20 years ago!!!

shey02 Fri 31-Jan-14 11:56:05

All very similar tragic stories, I have nothing but my dp's dc best interests at heart, but the exclusion/rejection is very hard to take. And when you feel always second in your relationship, that's a bitter pill. Detachment is the only thing that is working to keep me happier. I do also feel that dp is the one for me, the one I should have met before, married, had a family with. So that is why I keep going and I hope that dp will learn and evolve as a parent. It's strange because he 'parents' my dc in a loose fashion, but still naturally and confidently and they absolutely adore him. But he parents his own dc as if he is scared of them and just does what the ex says time and time again. Lets them all talk down to him, I hate seeing it. He's like a different person..... and it's not healthy. So living together, marriage seems like a fairytale that will never happen under these circumstances. There's so much more to consider than first time around, boy mets girl.......

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