facebook question

(31 Posts)
TwoLeftHands Sun 12-Jan-14 15:43:33

We have a sort of civil relationship with bm. My dp is not friends with her on facebook but bm is friends with his family and friends. When bm tags pictures his friends and family in her pictures, it shows up on our newsfeed (mine and dps). I genuinely believe that most of the time she does this so dp sees. She tags his family in and mutual friends in every single photo but does not tag he own family in them. Dp doesn't like it as it reminds me of how much he misses out but doesn't want to block bm incase she gets angry and starts arguing which dp will avoid at all costs. Is there anyway we can not see his friends being tagged in her photos without blocking her?

TheMumsRush Mon 13-Jan-14 18:26:18

You can add her to the restricted list I think

YoureBeingASillyBilly Mon 13-Jan-14 14:54:35

Tbh it sounds more like self pity than guilt.

TwoLeftHands Mon 13-Jan-14 11:34:54

Thank you purple. He doesn't really answer her iI she asks him he just says I don't think so. And I don't think hes mum would. I try to say to him even if me and him had dc he wouldn't be there for a lot of things due to work etc. He's just got that guilty dad syndrome.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Mon 13-Jan-14 10:18:36

He should man up. Being scared of another person is no way to live.

purpleroses Mon 13-Jan-14 08:30:37

I think reminding him that he (like most fathers) was probably at work on the first day of school is exactly the right way to support him in this.

As to whether she's doing it to get at him - the best response there would for him to convince her that it isn't bothering him. Does he post a lot on FB? If not, then the easiest response is to be a bit vague about whether he's seen them or not, and imply that he doesn't check FB very often. Or cut down the opportunities for his ex to be asking him about whether he's seen her FB posts - make handovers brief (or via school), and communication about arrangements via email.

He could ask his mum to change her settings so that he doesn't see photos she's tagged in if its still really bothering him. But really there aren't that many "firsts" for him to miss out on. For birthdays, Christmas, etc - have your own celebrations (on a different date if necessary) if you help your DP to develop his own life with his DCs when he has them then he won't find it so hard to hear of them doing things with their mum on other days.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Sun 12-Jan-14 22:34:41

Well first day of school is something lots of parents miss out on due to work.

The fact she is sharing photos with his mum is no proof she is doing it for a reaction. His mum is the children's grandmother and of course would like to see photos of the dcs. The fact she asks him if he saw the photos is probably her being friendly.

My ex's mum collects my dcs twice a week and i will occasionally text her photos of them (like i did with ds2 on sept 1st) as we have an ok relationship and she enjoys getting the photos. I dont have her on fb because i dont want other members of her family seeing that. Text is more private.

However my exp and i have a difficult relationship so we dont share photos etc but on the times when ive had need to discuss something with him about dcs i will ask if his mum showed him the recent pics i sent. It is in no way meant to upset him but rather just conversation about the only thing we have that ties us together and to try and invoke some sort of 'chat'- maybe we could laugh about how cute ds looked in uniform.

Dont try to see ill in her actions. They arent necessarily bad intentions.

TwoLeftHands Sun 12-Jan-14 21:54:03

He won't block her, hes frightened stiff incase he pisses her off. And its first day of school etc but as I try to say to him even if he had resident children chances are he'd be at work anyway. And the people she tags is his mum so he has regular interaction with his mum. And dp exs aleays asks dp if hes seen her pictures and like I said she doesn't tag her own family in so she does do it intentionally.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Sun 12-Jan-14 19:50:19

Why doesn't he stop looking at facebook and why don't you just block her? She can only give you grief if you let her.

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine Sun 12-Jan-14 19:36:02

If he starts putting long gushing comments on every picture (without sounding at all upset or negative) I bet she'll soon stop. At least, if she's doing it for mean-spirited reasons she'll stop; if she's doing it out of a misguided attempt to be helpful then she won't.

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine Sun 12-Jan-14 19:33:47

There used to be a way to control this -- you could select which updates you wanted to see from which people. And according to FB's own Help pages you still can -- but the functionality to which they refer has been removed (see this discussion on the Help Community pages).

This help page from FB might be useful.

purpleroses Sun 12-Jan-14 19:17:47

Does sound like he's not really come to terms with the split though. Imagine if he was still with his ex, but had a job that took him away in the week. Would he still not want to see what his DCs were up to when he wasn't with them?

As kids get older there become less of the "firsts" anyway, and a week starts to feel like really not that long a time in anyone's life, so it will probably get easier for him.

NatashaBee Sun 12-Jan-14 19:16:16

I don't think that her motive is to share them with her ex, she's tagging mutual friends in them. For all she knows the mutual friends settings may not allow him to see the pics, if she was sharing the photos to try and involve him it would make more sense to email them to him.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Sun 12-Jan-14 19:15:58

Is this things like first days of school we are talking about or first steps, first tooth falling out?

purpleroses Sun 12-Jan-14 19:15:39

One thing that might help would be if your DP goes through his friends list and lables everyone who isn't a friend of his ex as a "close friend" (go to your profile, selected the Friends tab, then hover your mouse over where it says Friends beside each person)

That should mean that more of their updates appear on his wall, and less of the ones from the people his ex is tagging. May mean he doesn't see so much of their other posts though - the ones that have nothing to do with his ex.

FB also decides whose posts to show you based on who you've interacted with lately - so by not commenting on the ones from the friends or family she's tagging, they'll be less likely to appear at the top of his newsfeed.

TwoLeftHands Sun 12-Jan-14 19:13:49

He sees them every week but stuff like first days of this firsts of that hurt him when he sees pictures cos hes not there and doesnt see it so seeing pictures just reminds him that a big part of their life is seperate from him.

Monetbyhimself Sun 12-Jan-14 19:07:23

I think he needs counselling. There are many, many people who get slated for alienating NRPs and here is a woman who is happy to share happy, family pictures with her childrens dad and he doesn't want to see them ? It may make perfect sense in your world OP but it certainly needs explaining to others.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Sun 12-Jan-14 18:32:37

Its a question. It wasnt a statement. He sounds immature. Not wanting to see his children just because he didnt happen to be there when the photo was taken but not being adult enough to prevent himself seeing the photos by simply blocking her and dealing with whatever the reaction from her is. Is he seeing his dcs regularly OP? If so i cant see why seeing photos if them is an issue.

NatashaBee Sun 12-Jan-14 18:22:21

That's a bit harsh. I can completely understand why it might be tough to see pictures of his kids, doing things without him.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Sun 12-Jan-14 18:13:18

Is he very immature? Why doesnt he want to see his children's milestones if he cant be there to see them in person?

TwoLeftHands Sun 12-Jan-14 18:10:41

How does he hide updates from her? And yes she willl know straight away if hes blocked her as she cant see any comments and if she gets tagged in pictures. And monet he doesnt loke to see pictures of their milestones when hes not there, I don't think I need to explain that point to anyone. He doesnt want to see her pictures but doesn't want to cause aggro by blocking her.

purpleroses Sun 12-Jan-14 17:38:08

FB doesn't tell someone they've been blocked. But I'm not sure it would work as you're seeing it because the mutual friend has been tagged, so you'd have to block the friend to be sure of not seeing it.

Your DP could see whether there are any mutual friends who are particularly likely to be being tagged and who he's not that bothered about (eg people who are more her friends than his) and de-friend them.

Or just develop a bit of a tougher skin about seeing pictures of his kids having fun. It means he knows what they've been up to which can only help him keep up a close relationship with them.

Monetbyhimself Sun 12-Jan-14 17:27:51

Why doesn't he want to see pictures of his child/children being happy/surrounded by their family ?

daisydoo222 Sun 12-Jan-14 17:00:23

Why would she have a problem with him blocking her? He's got a valid reason, surely she would understand that he doesn't want her photos coming up on his need feeds?

FeelingTheFire Sun 12-Jan-14 16:17:03

Didn't think of that one Natasha, yes she might get confused in conversations as she then won't be able to see anything of your DPs because of the block. So conversations may not make sense. However, she won't know who the family member is talking to - so can't say for definite it's your DP and realise he's blocked her....unless a family member refers to your DP by name.

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