Paternal grandparents have told my daughter my partner is not her real dad!

(82 Posts)
fif83 Sun 12-Jan-14 02:26:15

On my d's 5th bday the paternal grandparents sat her down and told her my partner wasn't her real daddy.
The biological father is absebt and I have not spoken to him for over 6 years, however I tracked the grandparents down when my d was born and invited them into her life.
I have been with my partner since my d was 1 and she knows him as daddy. We confronted them about what they had done and they were not sorry. They said it wasn't appropriate for her to call my partner dad as their son is her dad and they wouldn't lie to her. Furthermore they have refused to refrain from speaking to her about it further when she is in their care.
We are disgusted and we do not know what to do. My daughter is confused and we don't feel we can trust them to respect our wishes. Has anyone else been in this situation or can offer any advice???

MarchelineWhatNot Sun 12-Jan-14 03:06:28

So, how long did you think you could get away with lying to her for? I am not surprised she is confused! I am sorry, but I agree with the GPs. Although it is fine for her to call your DP 'Dad' I don't think you should lie to her.

CheerfulYank Sun 12-Jan-14 03:37:52

I think you should have told her, however she has every right to call your DP Dad.

TheXxed Sun 12-Jan-14 03:38:01

Its not there place to tell them, who do they think your DC should call dad. Thin air.

lunar1 Sun 12-Jan-14 08:05:15

Who she calls dad is completely separate. I think it's wrong to lie to a child about their parents, how long did you plan to deceive your child for? I think they did the right thing but in the wrong way. Maybe they thought you would never tell dd and it was better to know sooner rather than later.

HorsePetal Sun 12-Jan-14 08:09:36

Jesus Christ - I would be livid. How dare they! The decision as to when/how to explain all that stuff to your DD is yours and yours only.

BrianTheMole Sun 12-Jan-14 08:12:39

You should have told her, but they had no right to do that behind your back.

hollyisalovelyname Sun 12-Jan-14 08:34:24

They were wrong. I would be fuming.
But I also think that you should have explained to her sooner.
After all, 'Blood is thicker than water but love is thicker than blood '
And tell the paternal grandparents that too.
What do they think of their absent son?
Has he ever contributed financially?
Have they?

Bloodyteenagers Sun 12-Jan-14 08:38:51

Was you ever going to tell her?

Mama1980 Sun 12-Jan-14 08:43:27

they were very wrong, but I also think you should have told her sooner yourself to avoid this.
Your dd has every right to call your partner dad, I have 4 children two by birth two by sgo and so fervently believe that love is what counts and what earns you a title not simply blood or genetics.

needaholidaynow Sun 12-Jan-14 09:41:29

This sounds like my brother.

He has always been under the impression that our dad is his biological dad. But they have never told him that he's not.

I found out at 16. My brother still doesn't know. He's now 32.

I honestly don't know what he would do if he finds out. I have been sworn to secrecy and haven't uttered a word about it since. It's a big dark cloud hanging over my parents because I think they realise that they should have told him many many years ago and that it's too late now.

This is a case of reaping what you've sowed OP. You should never have deceived your child. That's really awful. Thank goodness the grandparents told her now, whilst she is young enough to hopefully process it ok and bounce back. Had she been 8 or older this could have seriously harmed her well being. You should be thanking them for having the guts to do something you didn't. Of course they will speak to her about her dad. That's her background. She needs to know it.

However there is no reason why she can't call more than one person dad. I would persist on that point. It's far too confusing for her to rename your partner anyway and he IS her dad too.

I thin you'll thank for this in a few years tbh. They've saved you from a huge mistake.

Boreoff456 Sun 12-Jan-14 09:46:35

IMO you are all wrong. It was not their place to tell her. But you shouldn't have told her your dp is her real dad.

From their pov, though, she is their grandchild. They have a realtionship with her, but she doesn't know she is actually related to them.

That said its not up to them to decide who she calls dad.

Look at it this way, it was going to come out eventually. Perhaps in a better way. but she should have always been aware that your dp is not her real father, but is her dad and loves her.

JeanSeberg Sun 12-Jan-14 09:50:02

Who did your daughter think her grandparents were, out of interest? Family friends? More lies?

hercules1 Sun 12-Jan-14 09:50:30

Have you posted about this previously?

wiltingfast Sun 12-Jan-14 09:54:04

Fgs, the child is 5. When exactly do you all think the op should have sat down and explained the complexities of the adult relationships that surround her?

She's enough to do being 5. I think the gps should haved minded their own business and expressed concern to you separately.

However, it's done now op and you'll just have to try and explain it to her.

Not sure how to handle the gps. That is a v serious breach of trust and while I can understand their angst, they had no business expressing it by landing that information on a 5yo on her birthday without any discussion with you first. I'd be v angry tbh.

birdybear Sun 12-Jan-14 09:55:36

I think they were very wrong and they are lucky have have still seen her when you haven't seen their son for so long. If it were me i would be thinking hard about them ever seeing her again if they disregard your wishes in this way.

I presume that you were going to tell her at some point and that should have been your call as to how and when as she is your dd and you know her best.

Bottom line is she is your dd and what you say goes, whether they like it or not.

TaraLott Sun 12-Jan-14 09:56:42

Hey come on, the kid is 5 years old and it was up to her parents to tell her anything that important, I would be hugely furious if I were in that situation and the choices of when and how had been taken away from me.
Grandparents or not, they should have spoken to the parents first, not just taken it on themselves to impart such important information to a five year old.

TheFallenMadonna Sun 12-Jan-14 09:58:44

It is absolutely appropriate for your Dr to call your DP Daddy. He is her father. However, I do think it's incredibly important to make sure there are no surprises. Young children are very accepting of simple explanations About things like this. The later you leave it, the harder it gets.

LadyIsabellasHollyWreath Sun 12-Jan-14 09:59:16

I think it is their business, insomuch as their relationship with her is through their son. It's important to them to be able to tell her that they are her grandparents, and it's important for her too. Who did she think they were?

However they have handled it wrongly. They should have discussed it with you first and then possibly given you an ultimatum to tell her before they did. Wrong to do it unannounced behind your back (unless there's something you're not telling us).

TaraLott Sun 12-Jan-14 10:02:23

And for what it's worth I would be limiting the time she spends with them and not letting her go there on her own.
They have no business telling her who she can or cannot call Dad.
And as for doing it on her birthday well, beggars belief really.
If you and your partner are happy with her calling him Dad then that is none of their business, THEIR son has abrogated his responsibilities and they should be supporting you.
They are lucky you tracked them down, many GPs of separated/divorced couples sadly lose contact with the GC.

Boreoff456 Sun 12-Jan-14 10:03:22

For those saying 'she is only 5' my dd understood complex relationships such as blended families, gay marriages etc. Because we know people in these types of situations and I explained then to her.
She understood and never saw anything strange, because we took the time to explain that all families are different, but are families all the same.

MrsDeVere Sun 12-Jan-14 10:04:43

They should not have done this. It was your job.
BUT what were you thinking not telling her?

You tracked down her biological grandparents and encouraged contact, what on earth did you think was going to happen? How else would they explain who they were?

Just to be clear, I really do think they were wrong to tell her but YOU absolutely and totally should have been honest with your DD from the very start.

I have several (and I mean several) friends who have found out their dad is not their biological father at this sort of age. They are all affected negatively by the revelation.

Our DS knows we are not his birth parents. He has been with us since he was 8 weeks old so he wouldn't have known unless we told him. BUT of course he would have found out eventually and God knows what damage it would have done for him to find out from someone else.

MrsDeVere Sun 12-Jan-14 10:05:18

Hi Mama how are things going? <wave> smile

TaraLott Sun 12-Jan-14 10:06:04

Well yes, someone is always there to tell children this stuff if you don't do it first.
Whatever their motivation.

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