What should a step parent be in the know about?

(10 Posts)
TinselTaTas Tue 17-Dec-13 11:32:38

I ask because dh dd has outside interests which involve some weekends as well as after school.

We have dsd 50/50 recently her mum seems to not want to be carting her dd to events so dh has been doing it. Great I think a parent should be there to support her shame it's always dh though.

I only just found out about the next event as I overheard his ex on his phone when she called.

He told me from now on if the weekends dsd needed to he taken somewhere fell on the exp weekend she would have to do her bit and support dsd. Though when I asked about the next event he couldn't tell me exact dates then changed months! I know he's bloody lying to me because he's going back on what he originally said. I don't care if he takes her to every event just don't keep it from me it's not like I won't find out!

So it made me wonder, how much information should a step parent be privy to? Conversations between ex regarding their child, events, changes in access dates? All of these things have an effect on us too.

purpleroses Tue 17-Dec-13 12:39:21

If my DP were to take on a commitment to a DC at a time when they'd normally be with their mum - and he'd normally be with me, I'd expect him to check with me first. Just the same as if he makes arrangements to see friends, he would let me know first.

I can see it's annoying if DSD's mum won't facilitate her getting to activities, but if your DH accepts that, and he's the one who arranges for DSD to take on the activity on the understanding that he'll get her there each week, then that's reasonable enough. I'd never say no to my DP doing that, unless it got in the way of specific plans, but I would expect to be consulted first.

I'd expect to be consulted about changes to access dates, events, etc. If he's put on the spot DP may agree to changes without me, and then he tells me afterwards, which is OK with me.

The only thing possibly not would be things like school option choices, parent teacher meetings, etc which don't affect me at all, so DP is free to discuss those with his ex without mentioning to me if he wants.

Kaluki Tue 17-Dec-13 12:46:59

Same as Purple.
Anything that directly affects me or my dc then I expect to be consulted about.
Stuff that is just about the sdc like school issues or whatever then I don't give a shit expect to be told!
DP feels it necessary to share every single aspect of every single text he gets from his ex though.

ShesYourDaughter Tue 17-Dec-13 13:58:59

Yeah I like to be told whats happening. I often know our weekend is going to be disrupted before my partner 'asks' me because the kids tel me they're doing stuff which I know we haven't organised.

I'd agree if this is an activity both parents have signed up to supporting then your partner should continue taking his daughter but he should let you know, and it shouldn't interfere with plans you already have.

She's a kid and just every now and then she'll just not get what she wants and if her mum won't take her and her dad can't because you can't rejig your plans so be it.

On the other hand, when your partner goes to take her somewhere go with him. Show the daughter you're both supporting her, stay and watch if its something you can do.

You don't need to act as pseudo mum, just say hi and show an interest.

benid Tue 17-Dec-13 14:06:36

I would totally expect to be consulted / told about things that affect me.

eg - if my DH chooses to forgo his hobby on a saturday morning because he's taking his DD somewhere instead - just let me know, don't need to ask, as it doesn't matter. If he changes an access weekend - ask me! as it will undoubtedly affect me.

It's not really a stepparent thing IMO - just a good manners thing! I wouldn't just change my plans without letting him know, as I am considerate smile

needaholidaynow Tue 17-Dec-13 17:55:38

A step parent should be in the know about a variety of things:

- When DP arranges to have DSD outside of his normal days I expect him to be available to look after her.
- What money needs to be spent on DSD each week if it's out of the norm. E.g some new shoes. I'm the one who's working so I expect to know what I am paying for!
- When she will be here each week so that I can plan ahead. Christmas hols are coming up so I like to be kept I the loop so I can make plans!

Petal02 Tue 17-Dec-13 18:19:29

I think it's only fair that a step parent is kept in the loop about anything that effects her, her household, her family, her finances, her time.

Us step mums need to remember that 'second wife' does not mean 'second class', and you have every entitlement to be consulted about things that will impact on you. But trying telling that to a Disney Dad who's terrified of his ex.

My DH is a decent man under all circumstances except his son, where he thinks its ok to lie, mis-inform, mislead, withhold information, and sneak around behind my back doing things we agreed he shouldn't. But (a) he's a useless liar; and (b) women are far smarter than men - so I always catch him out.

DSS is due back from Uni tomorrow, he'll be staying with his mother. I've asked DH if arrangements have been for DSS to visit us. DH became very vague and defensive, which is never good news .......

TinselTaTas Tue 17-Dec-13 19:28:28

I don't mind him taking her to these events which incidentally are away from home early sat to late sun, it's his daughter and I think it's good she has the support what I mind is the secretiveness.

He doesn't get it, the deceit is what angers me not him taking his child away to support her hobby!!! I don't know how many times I've had this conversation with him. Frankly it's become boring.

Petal02 Tue 17-Dec-13 19:50:52

Totally agree - it's the deceit and furtiveness that causes the problems. DH has been known to insist that he doesn't have arrangements to see DSS, and pretends something's just happened out the blue - but when I check his phone, the plans were made last Tuesday .....

If someone is doing something legitimate and above board, why do they need to lie about it? DH's behaviour with DSS is similar to my ex's behaviour with his OW.

To be honest, I think DH was well aware that the whoke situation with DSS just wasn't quite right, hence the secrecy.

Idespair Tue 17-Dec-13 20:02:23

Anything any member of the household is doing goes on the kitchen calendar as soon as it's known about. Plans can be made, things aren't forgotten. I would be cross is any info was withheld deliberately.

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