My partner and I seem to be having the Perfect Storm and Groundhog day running through our lives at the moment. I need to find a way to break the cycle as it is destroying our relationship, and exhausting us both emotionally.
Without going into too much detail we have had her two daughters and son live with us every other week for the last four years. It's now boiling up nicely, or not so nicely.
Oldest girl of 15 going on 16. She has all the traits of a teen, none of them extreme compared to the things some are suffering with their kids but enough to make you sit back in shock every now and then with the stuff she comes out with. We are to some extent but she now has a new tactic. Daddy.
Apparently on Saturday we made her late for her friends because we went shopping! She wanted a lift to make up for this, we suggested she hop on a five minute bus ride. Its a twenty minute walk but the weather was horrible. Adamant she was getting a lift she phoned her dad and then waited for an hour for him to turn up just so she could have a lift. Putting the hour to good use screaching, bursting into tears, telling us how bad her life is and how she has no money. Etc.
All of which we can cope with to some degree, although I find the attitude, the lies and the language harder to accept than her mum does. We try to have some structure in the family, house rules etc and also recognise she is a maturing person and give her some privileges none of which she appreciates and she has not learned to play the game of do it and negotiate better terms next time. She seems to have this state of mind that the only way we can show we appreciate her is to give her things and money, and do whatever she wants us to.
Our problem is her dad. He has adopted the path of least resistance to parenting so anything she wants or does is fine by him. Anything that involves making them do anything they dont want to, homework, exam study, dishes, tidying up after themselves, you name it it doesnt happen at his house.
After this weekends nonsense he sent a text saying he was happy for her to fail in her teens rather than find out what she wanted in life in her 40's. A not so subtle reference to his wife leaving him at that age. This is usually accompanied by a tirade of abuse aimed at me for having a hold over my partner and influencing the way she brings up the kids, and it's a shame they can't agree a common parenting strategy. Meaning his.
We're also fairly sure he's not shy in sharing his views with her at least which just gives her more buttons to press whe she decides to go off on one.
There's a huge amount more i could go into, from having to rush emergency sanitary products round to the girls because he can't buy them to them turning up every week knackered and dirty. But that's another post.....and he's dad so he can do no wrong.
I can't see how it's possible to give her any structure or boundaries to her behaviour while her dad refuses to do the same. We have talked and talked about how we can handle her differently but at the end of it all there are certain things were not prepared to let her get away with but where she has free reign at her dads house.
Is it possible, if we persist, to make her understands that when she's at our house there are expectations of behaviour, attitude, contribution to family etc while her dad sets none?
She can be a pleasure to have around but those times are getting rarer, she is more and more often an over indulged, spoilt, aggressive and boorish presence. Every other week is like having to train her to be human again after a week of running feral, it's exhausting and creating a lot of tension between me and my partner.
Should we just give up? On her daughter or each other maybe?
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ShesYourDaughter · 16/12/2013 13:11
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