WWYD - DSC and xmas

[Notsoskinnyminny]

DH has 3 adult children, eldest married with a child and the other 2 live with their partners at their mums and only see him when they want something.

DH has a good relationship with the eldest who I used to get on with really well but she barely speaks to me now and DH usually meets her for lunch or visits in the day when I'm in work. I was told I couldn't hold her baby before it was born, have never been invited to her house but I'm expected to cook another xmas dinner on a date to suit her between xmas and NYE. Why should I welcome her into my home when I'm not welcome in hers especially as she belittles me when she's here? DH won't say anything to her and I feel I can't challenge her because I don't want her to stop seeing him.

[NoAddedSuga]

Im sorry but she would be told by me like hell would i give her the time of day because of the way she is.

Its not your problem how she reacts to that information.

[elliebellys]

Why is it down to you to cook?get your dp to do it,after all its him shes visiting.let him do the work.theyre taking the mickey.

[Pancakeflipper]

Blimey - and your DH has not asked her what the issue is?

I don't get why she wants to come over for a Christmas dinner when she doesn't speak to you.

I would suggest that your DH takes her out for a meal somewhere and sorts out what is going on.

[birdybear]

Who is expecting you to cook !? I wouldn't be letting her in my house if i wasn't welcome in hers. She is an adult now, not a child, so let her act like one and deal with consequences.

[drspouse]

Definitely get DP to cook but bear in mind it may be her mum that's saying these things. My mum has decided she never ever wants her grandchildren to meet my dad's new partner (of about 20 years now. We're not talking flash in the pan). Personally, I find her a bit missable, so I don't particularly go out of my way to see her, and our DS is nearly 2 so we just haven't happened to see her (she lives elsewhere). But my mum is a bit OTT about the new partner. I try and stay out of it, but I can see some daughters might be fiercely loyal to their mums.

[Notsoskinnyminny]

I told DH I wasn't happy about it last night and he squirmed (as he always does when its something to do with his kids). Ex-W definitely has a hand in this hwich is another reason why I've smiled nicely in the past and put on a fantastic spread but I now feel enough's enough but was worried I was in the wrong saying I didn't want her in my home.

[NoAddedSuga]

You are not in the wrong and dont let anyone make you feel otherwise!

[IThoughtThat]

Can you go out for the day and visit your own family or friends or go to a spa Not that you should have to do this but that it might be the easy option. I wouldn't hang around cooking for them.

[Mumallthetime]

I can see some daughters might be fiercely loyal to their mums.

Of course they are; but once they are adults there really is no justification for anyone to excuse bad manners or rude behaviour.

The OPs DSD is an adult, married, with her own DC. If she didn't have the social skills to suppress her emotions and be polite when the occasion demanded, the I imagine her DH would have scarpered, and there would be an army of offended registrars, venue owners, midwives, health visitors etc etc.

If the young woman in question is capable of functioning in society then her behaviour towards the OP is a choice. And the OPs DH is displaying just as much disrespect towards the OP by ignoring and enabling his DDs behaviour towards her.

[drspouse]

Oh I agree MATT but I can genuinely see my mother deciding to cut off all contact with me or my brother if we let our DC become what she saw as "too friendly" to my dad's new partner.
It is an awful situation to be put in.

[ZombieMojaveWonderer]

Your husband is a much to blame here op I'm afraid. By not saying anything and not sticking up for you he's agreeing with the way you are being treated.
Bin the dinner off and tell them all that until you are treated with the respect you deserve they can all piss off! Husband included.
My mum and dad are split up and my dad has remarried, my step mum is lovely (not as nice as my mum of course ) she makes my dad happy and that's all that matters.
I am remarried too with step kids and my husband loves his kids but if they behave badly towards anyone and not just me (they don't they are really good actually) but if they did my husband wouldn't hesitate to put them right. My husband is not afraid of rejected visits, it's their loss in his eyes. So far so good.
If the step kids want nothing to do with you then so be it but don't let them come into your home and disrespect you like that. Ban them! Good luck op

[Notsoskinnyminny]

I agree DH is as much to blame and his ill-mannered kids. They will be welcome to visit but I'm not going to go out and buy/cook the food, the shops reopen on Boxing Day and he can sort it out.

drspouse, I understand what you're saying but by doing what your mother wants you're denying your children the experience of spending time with their grandfather and vice versa.

[Mumallthetime]

by doing what your mother wants you're denying your children the experience of spending time with their grandfather and vice versa.

Sadly, it's all too common for DCs, even adult DCs, to repeatedly hurt the parent who loves them unconditionally in order to avoid hurting the parent who places conditions on their love and approval.

My DSC know that their Dad (and I) will always be there for them - so when their mum threatens to remove her love if they don't comply with her wishes, it's him (us) they hurt.
My DH was involved in a serious car accident a few years ago - a timely reminder that circumstances can remove people we love from our lives unexpectedly.

[drspouse]

Sorry to hijack, but I wouldn't say my dad is "unconditional" either, they are almost as bad as each other.

My dad is currently a bit easier to cope with than my mum, but this varies, and his partner doesn't live in the same country as us, and won't (unless they get married, which he's said they aren't planning on).

So he tends to separate his grandchildren time from his partner time anyway, as he has limited time with his partner anyway, and she doesn't seem inclined to make a huge effort to see the grandchildren (she never made that much effort to see us before we had DS, either - I have always been pleasant to her I hope, but she's just one of those people you try to have a conversation with and grind to a halt, so I hope I can be forgiven for not making a huge effort to see more of her even before we had DS and had more -inclination- time).

[drspouse]

Sorry, forgot how to do the strikethrough on the ipad! Anyway as I say sorry to hijack but it does seem as if both parents can be a bit conditional - I'm not saying that's what the OP's DP and ex are both doing - but if one says "love me, love my new partner, or else don't come round any more" and the other says "love me, don't see that awful woman who broke my heart", it is a bit rock and a hard place.

Again, I'm not saying that's what's happening, but sometimes you just genuinely don't get on with a relative or friend's partner, and yes you should be pleasant, but you might find it easier to arrange to see them separately.

[Kaluki]

Zombie - I wish more dads had your DP's attitude.
That is the reason your dsc are really good - it's not just a coincidence