Moving in - please bear with me...

(37 Posts)
DLCC Wed 11-Dec-13 10:58:46

Me again. Please bear with me, but I’m finding the advice really helpful (my previous bedroom allocation post). We’re due to move into a house on the 16th January (myself, DP, his two DS’s and my two DS’s) I have found the last couple of weeks a little niggly between as we are trying to do what’s fair for our own children. I think I’m getting cold feet…..

DP came over last night and was saying that he was organising a charity bike event for next year which involves a weekend away with work, he also spoke about a weekend away with his eldest on another bike ride (I’m not sure who’s looking after his other son? Me?) and at the top of his Christmas list was, ‘ski fund’, when I asked what he meant by this he said he was going to ask family for Christmas money so he could take his boys skiing and if I, ‘sorted myself out’, (financially) I could go too. I work part time and cannot afford to go skiing, I own a house that is to be rented out so my rental income plus salary will help pay my share of the rent and bills on the new place. I wouldn’t expect him to pay for us to go skiing but I kind of thought that as we were all becoming a family these sorts of things would be discussed? Holidays, weekends away etc?

Another thing is that at his current place he pays for a cleaner/ironing lady to go in once a week but when I said, ‘Oh does that mean we can have a cleaner in the new place, ha, ha’, he said no, who’s going to pay for that? So I’m assuming the cleaning and ironing are down to me?

He is away for about three weeks on and off in January with work and as he has his boys 50% of the time (every Wednesday and Thursday night, plus EOW weekend) he usually takes them/picks them up from school. He said he is going to get his Mum to come down and cover his 50% so she will take them to school/after school activities. I can’t as my children go to school in the opposite direction so it’s physically impossible. His Mum lives a 2.5 hr drive away so she will stay with me while he is away. He said, 'but it’s ok as it’s nothing to do with me she’ll be doing all the childcare’, well it is something to do with me as she’ll be living in our house while he is away, and as nice as she is, I’ve only met her four times!

ShesYourDaughter Mon 16-Dec-13 16:30:11

As someone whose current partner escaped the sort of relationship you are about to enter into I'd say stay away.

My lovely lady had her self esteem and self confidence almost completely eroded by a husband who assumed all he had to do was give her housekeeping each month. And a pittance at that, out of which she had to deep and clothe the children. Never a penny for her to spend on herself.

He was then free to spend any money he liked on sports gear, trips away, you name it.

After they split up he even tried to split the debts he had accrued sending himself on training courses in London, going to sports training camps abroad 50/50 because, as he claimed, they shared everything.

Don't believe he'll change, my partners ex told the kids he would take them skiing in the school holidays, then sent them to his mums for the week while he went away with his friends. And told the kids he was working!

And his mum brings her cleaner round to do his house, and does his laundry while she's there. He's in his mid forties!

Run !!!

DLCC Thu 19-Dec-13 09:14:05

An update from me! after pushing to look at finances in more detail it emerges that after paying all bills/utilities and food at the rental place we would be left with £392 between us at the end of the month, which would have to cover all personal stuff for him and I and cover all activities/clothes/school stuff for my boys. Thank God I did push otherwise he'd have gone ahead, paid the deposit and THEN found all this out. So we're not moving! (small hurray!) it was £392 at the end of month (but he was still able to save £500??)

Anyway. I'm staying put and he is looking into buying the house he is renting and we'll see how things pan out over the next year or so...

I feel like a weight has been lifted and I'm so glad I stood my ground with regard to trying to sort things out BEFORE we moved in.

Thanks for all your words and advice, it really helped x

Geckos48 Thu 19-Dec-13 10:26:51

Great! Glad you avoided that! He was saving £500 were you able to save anything? Doesn't sound very fair to me!

caramelwaffle Thu 19-Dec-13 10:46:21

I think you made the right decision.

Good luck with everything and have a happy New Year.

IThinkThat Thu 19-Dec-13 10:48:30

That's a great result. Now you can relax and, hopefully, still enjoy each other's company. I think 'dating' sounds like a good plan. All the fun but none of the 'rubbish'

Have a great Christmas.

Eliza22 Thu 19-Dec-13 10:50:24

This sounds good! More time to assess and plan (or NOT plan). I wish you luck and happy holidays fsmile

DLCC Thu 19-Dec-13 10:56:08

Many thanks everyone, and a Happy Christmas!

DLCC Thu 19-Dec-13 10:56:42

PS Absolutely Geckos!

sparklesparkle Thu 19-Dec-13 12:19:02

phew! brilliant decision! xx

UC Thu 19-Dec-13 12:27:36

DLCC I am so pleased to read this. Do you mean you'd have £392 left at the end of each month, after HE had saved £500? And you, what had you saved?

I think this is a VERY lucky escape!!!!!!

Have a lovely Christmas!

DLCC Thu 19-Dec-13 16:33:53

UC, yes exactly! I had saved nothing. I feel so relieved it's unbelievable!

daisychain01 Sun 22-Dec-13 21:08:04

This is a really happy ending. Well done for being strong! Happy 2014 with your boys! X

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