My DP is totally over reacting about my DS

(72 Posts)
louby44 Mon 09-Dec-13 20:54:37

He is quite strict and has high (too high) expectations about their behaviour.

He is constantly moaning about my DS10 weeing on the toilet seat, his table manners (they aren't good) but it's how you speak to kids isn't it? He moans about stuff being left about in the den (xbox/tv room) he stopped them from eating/drinking in there - which is fine as they are messy. But he's surprised when they bend the rules? Which kid doesn't! They are just being kids and talking to other mums I know that all of this is totally normal.

He seems to think that once he's told them off about something, that's it, they shouldn't do it again. He hasn't lived with his own 2 DD for 7 years now and they are both 14 & 16. He is totally out of touch with how his own children behave - even though his ex is often on the phone telling him that she cannot cope with them anymore. His own DD behaved terribly on holiday but he still sees them through rose tinted spectacles.

He's come in from work tonight and we've sat down to eat, DS10 trumped during the meal and my DP just gave DS10 a filthy look, said he wasn't eating with us and stormed out.

He needs to take a reality check. Tell me if I'm wrong and I'll admit it but I'm really hurt by his constant moaning. If his DD lived with us he would have a VERY BIG shock!

He's a kind and considerate man and he does do nice things for us all but he still thinks he's in the bloody army!

HankyScore Mon 09-Dec-13 20:57:42

I would come down like a ton of bricks on my 11yo if he broke wind at the table or left piss on the loo seat.

Why aren't his table manners good?

I don't think your dp should talk to him like rubbish but I do think you have some middle ground to find.

Fairylea Mon 09-Dec-13 20:57:49

Total over reaction about your poor ds farting during a meal! Unless he was going it gleefully and laughing about it manically I really don't see the problem! It's a fart ffs and he's a kid surely you just laugh about it and move on?!

I'm with you. I think your dh is being really miserable and quite unkind really. I have a dd aged 10 and am also remarried and dh wouldn't talk to her like that. At all.

5OBalesofHay Mon 09-Dec-13 21:00:35

I wouldn't eat with a 10 year old with table manners like that. Maybe its time for a bit of a stock take of what matters and what doesn't then crack down on what you agree is unacceptable (in all children's behaviour)

Hassled Mon 09-Dec-13 21:03:38

There's a middle ground here, and you need to find it.

Weeing on the loo seat at 10 is not fine. At 10 you can usually control your aim well enough. If he can't - try something in the loo to aim at (a cornflake, bit of bread - something flushable). The odd unexpected fart - fair enough. Deliberate "isn't this hilarious?" farting during a meal - no, again, not fine. And you can accept and forgive all this because they're your kids - you can't expect the same from him necessarily.

Equally - from what you say, he sounds too shouty/stroppy, and he needs to sort that out. Do they ever have quality time together? Do they ever go off to do something fun and bond a bit? That might help.

elliebellys Mon 09-Dec-13 21:05:23

What exactly did he expect ds to do,say excuse me nd run off to the loo to fart.lol.good grief.must admit tho peeing on seat is bloody annoying tho.have you sst down nd talked to dp bout why he is being such a miserable git. Lately.

Rockinhippy Mon 09-Dec-13 21:08:28

I'm another that thinks you have some middle ground to find, I also wouldn't tolerate wee on the toilet seat, or "trumping" at the dinner table unless an accident & my DD was suitably embarrassed & apologised.

Yes kids are messy, yes they leave stuff everywhere & they will carry on doing so unless you teach them otherwise, no miracle cure, but just accepting it as what kids do, doesn't really help teach them life skills does it, have you ever seen "Young a dumb & Living Off Mum" ??

perhaps if you were supporting your DPs attitude on the bigger stuff he wouldn't be feeling so ostracised & he would lighten up on the small stuff & you wouldn't be looking at him getting so fed up he leaves in future

Mumallthetime Mon 09-Dec-13 21:11:48

louby I wonder if he is mad at your DC's, or (more likely) does he actually resent you when you don't enforce the rules you have agreed to?

What do you do when your DC's disregard house rules about where they can eat?
What are you doing about your DS's poor table manners?

If you aren't parenting your DS, then your DP is probably seething with rage - and like in many of the posts from SM on this board, he has displaced his resentment his DSC, rather than towards you, who is the ultimate cause of the issue.

It is telling that you have said in your OP that your DP has stopped your DC's eating in the den - that should be a rule you agree to together as the couple, and you, as the DC's parent, have a responsibility to enforce it. What does it tell him about your respect for him if you agree to something with him that you then won't follow through?

AmberLeaf Mon 09-Dec-13 21:23:33

Are you the poster whos DP slapped his DD on holiday?

He sounds ridiculously strict, yes there is a middle ground and I think a 10 yr old is capable of wiping pee off the toilet seat, but his expectations of your children are unreasonable.

I couldn't live like this and I wouldn't expect my children to either.

LifeHuh Mon 09-Dec-13 21:31:41

It is telling that you have said in your OP that your DP has stopped your DC's eating in the den - that should be a rule you agree to together as the couple, and you, as the DC's parent, have a responsibility to enforce it. What does it tell him about your respect for him if you agree to something with him that you then won't follow through?

Yes,it is telling - it suggests to me that this isn't "house rules" - this is what DP has decided he wants to happen. If OP has agreed to rules she should follow through,but maybe he has decided this will happen and she isn't bothered? Also maybe she feels a bit of leeway is acceptable?

youarewinning Mon 09-Dec-13 21:32:59

Why doesn't your DS wipe the loo seat after he's peed on it?

How did your DS react after farting? I don't think farting at the dinner table is ok - but do think your dp reaction seems a little OTT. But if he's been mucking about and generally exhibiting poor manners it may well have been a straw that broke the camels back reaction instead?

I think you and dp need a good chat. It sounds very how dare you disappoint my child when your DDs no angel tit for tat ATM.

louby44 Mon 09-Dec-13 21:33:24

I do enforce the no eating in the den and speak to DS14 constantly about it. I am constantly on DS10 case about his table manners. He is in a rush about everything, eating, weeing, running up the stairs - he is a real live wire and he never stops talking! But of course I see his lovely side whilst DP doesn't.

The 'trump' was an accident and just slipped out. It doesn't help that my DP farts for England (obviously not at the dinner table).

I was a bit of a Disney mum when I met my DP, single mum, working fulltime and I know now I was too lenient, He, on the other hand is completely the opposite and too strict. He is SO serious around all 4 of our kids. It's as though he can't led his guard down and be 'fun'.

When his 2 DD come and my DS are with their dad, we sit round the dinner table and nobody speaks, I find it really weird. the girls are totally silent. I was brought up with 2 brothers and constant chatter!

He has no relationship with my boys whatsoever, never has had, they tolerate each other that's all. Makes me so sad.

We have nearly split a couple of times, but we always seem to work it out.

He's now stormed off to bed refusing to talk to me and will now sulk for a few days - arrghh!!!

Fairylea Mon 09-Dec-13 21:33:48

Ah yes that's the same dh isn't it? (Just done a quick search and it is).

He is a total bully.

ICameOnTheJitney Mon 09-Dec-13 21:35:48

I would expect ANYONE who wanted to fart to leave the table to do it. It's hideously rude when people are eating.

There is always a split in opinions about this on MN but OP your partners feelings on the matter should be respected. It's sickening to me that kind of thing and it sounds like your partner feels like me.

The eating etc...in the den I mean, he needs to relax a bit. As long as the boys clear up after themselves.

ICameOnTheJitney Mon 09-Dec-13 21:37:07

Louby when his DDs come, do you try to engage them in conversation at the table? Or do you sit in silence too?

louby44 Mon 09-Dec-13 21:41:32

Yes he's the man who slapped his DD!

He had some counselling a year ago (related to a death he witnessed at work) and of course lots came out about his childhood and the fact that he is scared to make a relationship with my boys for fear that his own children will see him as 'abandoning' them!

He's a complicated man, very jealous. 2 ex wives & a girlfriend just before he met me who all had affairs.

But I love him and as a couple work well, but of course there are 4 kids in the mix too!

I've wiped blood off the toilet seat and carpet when his girls have been here, emptied dirty tampons and towels into the main bin! Picked up dirty knickers to wash them (otherwise the would still be there 2 weeks later when they came to visit again). But I don't moan, complain.

How can we move forward if he won't talk about it!

louby44 Mon 09-Dec-13 21:44:02

Of course I talk. I'm the only one that does. I ask the girls about school and what they've been up to. My DP doesn't though.

It's very odd. I encourage my DS to talk at the dinner table.

AmberLeaf Mon 09-Dec-13 22:03:18

Seriously, leave the Bastard.

If you can't do it for you, do it for your children.

Don't subject them to him any longer.

elliebellys Mon 09-Dec-13 22:45:15

I know this might sound awful,but im going to say it anyway.its very telling when you say all his exs have sought affairs,he certainly has problems with communicating,going off in a huff when he doesnt like something.its as if he is constantly pushing people away but wont admit he,s got a real issues.

IThoughtThat Mon 09-Dec-13 23:01:16

Oh dear, this sounds awful. sad. Family life is meant to be fun and loving. Do you think your DC would be better off if you LTB ? Or are they ok how thing are. It might be that if they have an otherwise happy life then it's not the end of the world if their step dad is miserable???

louby44 Tue 10-Dec-13 01:02:00

Can't sleep! Typically he can and is snoring away upstairs.

We don't really have a happy and fun house! I often feel I'm piggy in the middle. I'm always trying to keep the peace.

My boys are hard work, they bicker and fight and even I lose it with them sometimes. But they are my children and of course I love them. DP thinks that shouting is the answer to everything. (I think his ex-wife is the same.) I don't mind anyone telling my kids off if they've done something wrong but often the way you say it has a bigger impact -DP doesn't get that! He has tried with them but he has no bond. They don't respect him but he can't understand why, he thinks it should be automatic.

It's ok to say leave him but of course it's not as easy as that. I do love him a lot and we have a life together, we enjoy many things as a couple (and sometimes as a family too).

He doesn't communicate well. I wanted to do couples counselling but he hasn't been keen. I do agree we parent very differently and need to find a middle ground. But when someone won't talk to you that's difficult.

And he will ignore me now, for days!

HavantGuard Tue 10-Dec-13 01:27:26

I don't quite understand your post.

'We don't really have a happy and fun house'

'I wanted to do couples counselling but he hasn't been keen.'

'DP thinks that shouting is the answer to everything'

'He's a complicated man, very jealous'

'He will ignore me now, for days!'

What do you want your life to be like? Does him being around make life more enjoyable for you every day? Does him being there make the good times better and the bad times more bearable?

It sounds like you are spending a lot of your time trying to stop him getting angry with your children or getting angry with you. Where is your support? Relationships are supposed to be a partnership.

He has 'no bond' with your sons, refuses to get help with your relationship when you feel you need it and if you annoy him he punishes you by ignoring you 'for days.'

Are the good times when things go exactly the way he wants them to?

Mellowandfruitful Tue 10-Dec-13 01:49:39

I know you have said you enjoy many things as a couple / family, but that's really not coming across here. In fact life sounds joyless and bloody hard work. And the sulking at you for days is not on. Neither is constant shouting and enforced silences at the dinner table. Worst of all is the bit about how he and your boys have no relationship and they just tolerate each other. Don't you want better for yourself and for the boys than that?

I do get that saying 'just leave' imagines it all to be easier than it really is, but I can't see much of a way forward for you if he won't discuss this stuff or go to counselling. Perhaps this is the point to call it a day. At any rate, you seem to have been trying hard to fix things up till now - perhaps if you showed him you aren't prepared to do that any more and he will need to do the work if anyone is going to, that might be the one thing that would motivate him to do better. Either way, it gives you an answer.

Tuckshop Tue 10-Dec-13 08:25:58

Your boys might be behaving as they do because they are responding to being around him, and in an unhappy environment.

Take a read of the threads in relationships as he sounds like a bully and many of the men described there. And in that context it would really concern me that he hit his dd.

And it sounds like all the exes were unhappy with him too. They may not have had affairs, you only have his version of events. Has he ever taken responsibility for his part in the breakdown of those relationships? Or was it always their fault?

AmberLeaf Tue 10-Dec-13 09:32:44

I know leaving isn't easy but do nothing is going to change.

I agree that your children's behaviour is probably exacerbated by the atmosphere in your home.

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