DD cant accept with new partner

(21 Posts)
Liquoricelips Sat 07-Dec-13 18:34:40

Long time lurker but avid reader and really need some help with this one.
Husband died of cancer 3 years ago and I now have a new partner. We've being dating for almost a year and intend on him moving into my house early next year. DD1 (age 27) lives at home and is angry with me. DD2 lives locally and is very supportive. Partner has DD and DS and they live with ex wife and are ok with the relationship.
DD1 doesn't want to interact with new partner, hates when he is around, does not want to eat with us and flipped completely when I accidentally mixed up some of her laundry with his.
how can I help her come to terms with the relationship? I know she misses her dad and I do too but I want my new relationship to work and for my DD to be happy.
Sorry for the long post. Any views welcome

TensionWheelsCoolHeels Sat 07-Dec-13 18:39:39

I think that at 27 your DD is more than capable of living elsewhere if she's not happy with your decision to live with your partner. Is there a reason she still lives at home? Why she isn't doing her own washing?

Obviously there might be more to this than your OP states, but I can't think why you would put up with that from a grown woman who could choose to live independently to avoid having to spend time with your DP.

Liquoricelips Sat 07-Dec-13 18:46:47

Thanks tension. She's returned to live at home to write up her PhD and save some money. I just threw her washing in with ours to make up a full load - wont make that mistake again!

I have a lot of sympathy for your DD, but I do think it's fair for you to tell her she has a hard choice: she can either live at home and accept the situation, or move out and not deal with it. Tell her very calmly and say you will respect either decision but ultimately it is her choice and those are the options.

How much longer until she finishes? You may find she is more able to deal with this when she is done. I just finished a phd and it can be enormously stressful and make it hard to deal with anything.

peppersquint Sat 07-Dec-13 18:59:05

Liquoricelips - please DO make that mistake again and stop stepping on egg shells - it is your house and your life, please don't be dictated to by an adult behaving like a sulky teenager.

Perhaps she is unhappy because she is jealous - is anything going on in her life aside from the Phd? Maybe she is comparing where her life is now with yours

Good luck

Eliza22 Sat 07-Dec-13 19:05:10

Dear me. Let me ask you some questions, presuming you have lived through the heartbreak of losing your husband to cancer...... How long do you expect to live? Does this man make you happy? Do you love him? Does he love and take care of you emotionally? Are you, both of you, happy?

If the answer is "yes" then it is time to say "I love you (daughter) but, life is short and I have found love with this man. I hope you can be happy for me, but if you're not, I plan to continue with this relationship, without your 'consent' "End of.

I wish you luck.

Liquoricelips Sat 07-Dec-13 19:05:11

I know she's stressed and has her viva in two weeks time. She then has to find a job. I guess she might be comparing my life to hers. She doesn't have a partner or a job as yet and her funding ends shortly. I know I'm so lucky to have found another partner and I adore him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm trying to be patient and supportive but can't seem to get anything right and am losing patience

Liquoricelips Sat 07-Dec-13 19:26:33

Thanks Eliza. losing my husband to cancer was devastating, we had a good marriage and I nursed him at home until his untimely death. Neither DD lived at home at the time and it was tough but I coped. My new partner is loving, supportive and understanding of the trauma we have all faced. I think I deserve a second chance of happiness but am troubled by the stance DD1 has taken

She has her viva in two weeks!! For god's sake, find some patience for two more weeks. Years and years of hard work will be decided on that day, of course she's going a bit mad about everything.

I understand you found a great guy but presumably your daughter is still more important to you. Personally I would drop the whole subject, get through the viva and the holidays in a good spirit, then tell her in January that yes, he is moving in, and she has the choice outlined above.

She may be 27 but honestly, the viva is one of the most stressful things a person can do, cut her some slack for a little bit longer.

Alanna1 Sat 07-Dec-13 19:35:18

I agree with the poster who says wait till the viva is over. Good luck! Am sure she'll come to terms with it.

Mrswellyboot Sat 07-Dec-13 19:41:51

I think it is brilliant you have met someone lovely. I would give your daughter some space though until she gets her phd finished. I wouldn't do her laundry though if she is going to strop like that!

Anyway, she is still finding it hard understandably. I don't know how I would cope without my dad. It must be so hard for her. But you have to be happy. She needs her own place as soon as finances allow.

Liquoricelips Sat 07-Dec-13 19:52:58

Thanks for the responses. I think I do need to back off and let her complete her PhD. she has worked hard for it and I'm really proud of the way she has kept going and I simply have no idea of how much stress she must be under at this crucial stage. I will try harder and then try to talk to her in the new year when things are easier for her.

I think that's a great idea. I've been through a lot in my life and I still found the viva unimaginably stressful -- you can reason with yourself all you want that it will be fine but you have no idea what will actually happen with your examiners, and the consequences are so enormous. You really need a lot of support, and if she was close to her dad, she will be missing him even more right now, so it's just the worst time to talk to her about a new partner.

Mumallthetime Sat 07-Dec-13 22:40:11

She may be 27 but honestly, the viva is one of the most stressful things a person can do, cut her some slack for a little bit longer.

Doing a viva may be stressful, but if she can be civil and polite to her tutors, friends, strangers who serve her coffee, then I don't think it's unreasonable to expect her to behave in the same way towards the OPs DP regardless of how she feels.

Serious conversations can wait - but fundamental manners and respect should be non-negotiable.
At 27 years old, she is capable of controlling her behaviour despite her feelings - otherwise she'd have been rejected by her Uni years ago. Her lack of respect and abuse is a choice.

Onlyjoking Sat 07-Dec-13 22:58:42

My DH died of cancer 5 and a half years ago, I have been seeing someone for 4 years, we don't live together, my three have accepted him, his DS lives with his Dad and he gets on great with me and my teens, his DD however doesn't accept me,after lots of upset he gave her the choice, she
moved out of her Dads house.
I agree that you should wait until January and then talk to her.
Could her sister talk to her?
It's bound to be difficult, she possibly feels jealous or resentful. you could end your relationship and at some point she will move out, you deserve a chance of happiness.

Andro Sat 07-Dec-13 23:48:11

but if she can be civil and polite to her tutors, friends, strangers who serve her coffee, then I don't think it's unreasonable to expect her to behave in the same way towards the OPs DP regardless of how she feels.

I've done 2 vivas; I just about managed tolerable towards my supervisors, but I barely spoke to anyone else in the run up because I would have been beyond rude - I had zero patience with anyone or anything (not my usual personality). Fortunately I lived alone so I could avoid subjecting anyone else to my toxic state of mind, but my home was my sanctuary and anyone who called did so at their own risk. Prepping for an oral examination where the opinion of 2 people will either validate or sink years of research is one of the most out of control feelings I've ever experienced, I had an overwhelming need to control everything I possible could during that final preparation time.

OP, all you can do right now is leave her alone. The stress she is under is beyond belief and right now your partner is adding to that stress, you won't have a prayer of a rational discussion (or rational behaviour) at least until she's taken her viva.

One other point, has you talking about moving your new DP in maybe stirred up some issues she hasn't dealt with? Maybe she hasn't fully worked through her grief and/or feels that her father is being 'replaced'?

Liquoricelips Sun 08-Dec-13 15:23:09

Some really thoughtful responses here, thankyou.
Only joking - I'm sorry you had a tough time, hope things are better now. I hadn't thought of asking DD2 to talk to her and will see what she thinks.
andro - wow two vivas is impressive and you have my utmost respect. I think DD1 is struggling and she's in her bedroom at the moment rehearsing her presentation and I'm bring ultra quiet! We've had lots of chats about her dad and how proud he would be of her and how we all miss him. I think he would have coped with her stress better than me too. I've also tried to be very sensitive about my new partner moving and we all agreed after Xmas would be best. I'm going to keep calm and hope things improve with time.

wifeandmotherandlotsofother Sun 08-Dec-13 19:45:47

OP - you sound lovely. I wish you great happiness in your new relationship and I hope all goes well with your daughter's PHD too. May it all turn out well for all of you.

Liquoricelips Sun 08-Dec-13 22:30:28

Thanks wifeandmother, Your comment was so kind. I'll post an update in the new year.

WaitingForPeterWimsey Sun 08-Dec-13 22:38:56

I think you sound lovely op. Agree with all advice to let this wait until after the viva.

Unless she has a post doc lined up, there will be so much uncertainty in her life right now.

Once the phd is over hopefully she will be in a better frame of mind to deal with moving on and your dp coming on the scene.

Liquoricelips Mon 09-Dec-13 21:00:47

Thanks waiting. After the viva and Xmas is definitely the way to go! My partner also agrees so its all settled now and calm should descend on our household again. You've all helped me to see things much more clearly.

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