Apparently we should tone down the excitement about Christmas because DSD won't be here on Christmas morning (having loads of fun at her mum's)

(97 Posts)
needaholidaynow Wed 04-Dec-13 11:02:07

So on Christmas morning DSD will be at her mum's this year. Apparently we should hide our excitement for the boys' because their sister won't be here until the evening.

I put a thread on here a couple of weeks ago a out how BIL asked if we were going to wait until DSD gets here in the evening for the boys to open their Christmas presents. I thought this was ridiculous as DSD will be having fun at her mum's opening presents and experiencing the magic of Christmas whilst the boys sit here on their hands waiting for her grand arrival.

Since then I have been talking about how excited I am to see their faces on Christmas morning and its going to be so special seeing them together. Every time I mention it though the in laws throw something negative at me. "Oh it's a shame DsD won't be there though". "You cant possibly enjoy it fully as there'll be a person missing.", "Don't show your excitement in front of DsD or she'll be upset you're starting without her."

I could absolutely throttle them sometimes!! It's not my boys' fault that their sister won't be here every year! I told MIL that I still need to make it magical and exciting for the boys and can't pretend Christmas isn't happening.

GGRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

ThistletoeAndWine Fri 20-Dec-13 09:17:45

How old is dsd?

Carry on as u are op!!

differentnameforthis Fri 20-Dec-13 09:10:58

If the ILs really want the dsd included from the off, the only sensible answer is for dsd to go to the ops for Christmas morning (or stay over Christmas eve night) & for all the siblings to open their presents together. Then she can have breakfast, go to mums for lunch, come to dads for arranged time, or go Boxing day.

That way, all siblings get presents together & no one feels left out. But I am betting the op has better chance of getting a whale up her arse than getting her ILs to agree to that!

differentnameforthis Fri 20-Dec-13 09:06:05

Wiy not open the presents in the evening every year?

Yet the daughter will get to open hers, at her mum's, in the morning. Because it doesn't sound to me like she will be asked to wait to open them with her siblings.

How is that fair? That she gets to open hers while 2 little boys have to wait for her?

One word - resentment. Once they are old enough to understand, this will cause resentment & problems between the siblings.

MoominsYonisAreScary Fri 20-Dec-13 09:03:42

I don't have sc but this seems like madness to me! Ds1 is going away for christmas with his pgp (hes 18) ds2 is with us christmas eve this year but was at his dads last year and we had christmas day as normal.

Cant imagen making ds3&4 wait until their brothers come back to start celebrating.

If we did that they would be waiting a week for ds1 this year. Your bil sounds awful, I'd be keeping all the dc away from him.

differentnameforthis Fri 20-Dec-13 09:03:14

It would be nice if you could wait for her

So she gets to open her presents, from her mum & her half brothers don't to open theirs from their mum & dad until she graces them with her presence? What's nice about that?

differentnameforthis Fri 20-Dec-13 08:46:57

Is DSD the fricking queen? Seriously, you have to halt your celebrations because she won't be there? Tough, I say! She gets to have "Christmases", your boys get one.

At the very least I would hold back a couple of presents for the boys, so THEY don't feel left out when she is opening her second set of presents.

I remember one year my mother had a new boyfriend & hi dad came to ours for Christmas. Usually we all pile downstairs, open pressies in a frenzy of arms, legs & wrapping paper everywhere & scoff chocs for breakfast.

That year we had to get up, get dressed, have breakfast, have lunch & then open presents. Lunch was a late lunch as breakfast was HUGE! We were older, so we got on with it & didn't moan as we knew how much it meant to mum, but her boyfriend's father was the most hated man in the world on that day & my sister & I could see each other seething.

Petal02 Fri 20-Dec-13 07:45:08

Stick to your guns. They sound like vile, toxic people. A very sad situation though.

needaholidaynow Thu 19-Dec-13 20:22:20

Things have gotten quite nasty between me an ILs. They've pushed me and pushed me all year. I'm definitely not going to theirs over Christmas and neither are my children. Is that bad of me? The children won't get their presents but I don't want them or me being around those people.

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 06-Dec-13 23:24:00

Needa, the Christmas that you have planned for all the DCs sounds lovely. I wish you health to enjoy it.smile

The only ones missing out will be your in-laws and that's their own fault.

Bahhhhhumbug Fri 06-Dec-13 18:36:40

randomAXE it definitely does make a narc out of the stepchild. I have an adult SS who is the youngest of my DHs first family. He has always been exalted to this messiah status in the name of ensuring he has never missed out on anything and has not been disadvantaged because of his parents split and also because he is the 'baby' of his generation.

As a result he has been vastly over compensated for his circumstances and almost permanently infantazised (sp?) by my DH and the rest of his family.

I honestly believe he could go in the street and shoot someone and the whole family would make excuses for him. Needless to say he is a horrible person , who can play his dad especially like a violin and god does he know it. Self centred, arrogant and entitled.

Sad thing is after all their efforts to ensure otherwise he did miss out , big time. On becoming the nice sociable caring person he no doubt would have been.

ElenorRigby Fri 06-Dec-13 15:11:52

There's always been a hint from our IL's that DSD is more important to them than DD but only a whisper nothing glaring IYSWIM.

OP why do have anything but the minimum to do with the inlaws??
As for the BIL shock Id fuck him right off.angry

Good grief, no wonder you needaholiday!

TalkativeJim Fri 06-Dec-13 14:45:12

Um, 'that little shit' is actually his niece's other little brother, then? Just as closely related as your own boys?

OP, these people are toxic. I hope your DH can see it. Your problem most certainly isn't the fact that you have a blended family, your problem is their corrosive attitude. They seem to WANT to set all the children in your family against one another.

The two blended families I know are lucky enough to get on well enough that the siblings on either side (ie not related to one another, as in your sons and your DSD's mum's new baby) are ALSO close and call each other 'sort of siblings'. THAT'S the kind of family to aspire to. Don't let your absolute poison-monger of a BIL spoil it for them all.

catsmother Fri 06-Dec-13 14:26:20

Random - your SS sounds a lovely boy!

randomAXEofkindness Fri 06-Dec-13 14:20:07

Last year Dss came to us on boxing day. As soon as he arrived he went straight over to the smaller kid's and asked them what they'd gotten off Father Christmas, oohed and ahhed over it all (all put on, because they're baby toys to him), asked me how I was, whether I'd had a good Christmas, whether the kid's had enjoyed it, whether I'd gotten anything nice myself etc. He was happy to hear that everybody else had enjoyed themselves, happy because they were happy.

When people want the world to be put on hold for step-kids and expect everybody else to live their lives as bit parts on The Truman Show, what kind of people do they expect those kids to be? They'd be narcissistic arses as adults if they started to believe it. They're doing them a massive disservice.

Your IL's do sound mega toxic op, stay well away.

YADNBU (and your comments about how excited your ds is gave me the Christmas butterflies fgrin)

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Fri 06-Dec-13 13:54:04

So, OPs DS should wait for the evening so that "golden child" is there. Meanwhile golden child gets an exciting morning. OPs DS get nothing.
Evening - OP DS get to open their presents, GC gets to open hers. Yes, really fair hmm.

I don't think you should do your christmas morning any differently, because of your vile BIL's stupid views, needaholiday. If you had decided you did all want to wait for the main present-opening until your dsd was there, I would have suggested what we do in our family - which is stocking presents in the morning (which was always lots of fun, and made the children very happy - and gave them some things to enjoy during the morning), then the main presents from under the tree, after lunch.

We do it this way to spread the fun across the day - and because that is the way my mum and dad did it when dsis and I were children, so that is what feels right to us. If you wanted to change things, that could work for you.

But there is no way I would change my christmas on the say-so of a charmer like your BIL - though he has done you a favour, in that he's shown you his true colours, and so you don't need to see him at all over Christmas, which can only be a good thing!

Kaluki Fri 06-Dec-13 11:22:28

How would DPs ex feel about her baby being called a little shit and not as important as your dc? I hope he isn't saying things like that in DSD's earshot. The baby is as much her brother as your own dc are. He sounds quite sinister tbh.

catsmother Fri 06-Dec-13 11:12:49

Gobsmacked - again. That BIL doesn't sound normal, I'm almost wondering if he has some sort of unhealthy obsession with SD for whatever reason. A 10 month old baby is a "little shit" ?? - good God.

I had wondered if his promotion of SD was a reaction to his brother starting a new relationship ? Some ILs do become rather fanatical when a relationship breaks down and some express their disapproval by "siding" with the ex, and pretending the new partner and any subsequent kids simply don't exist. However, heck knows what's going on in his head if he refers to your DSs as SD's "real" brothers (in the circumstances, a back handed compliment if ever I heard one) and to her other baby brother in such revolting terms ? Perhaps he's just an extremely inappropriate and controlling person who wants everything his own way regardless of it being none of his business and irrespective of how much he oversteps the mark. Even if he genuinely believes he has a point, he's hardly going to win you round to his way of thinking by being a foul mouthed bully is he ? Seriously, his attitude is nowhere near normal, and I'd actually be concerned to have any of my children anywhere near him. Does he have access to SD via your DP's ex, or has he only ever seen her when she's been with you ? ...... I'd want to keep him away from her.

Kaluki Fri 06-Dec-13 11:00:08

Your BIL sounds completely vile!! I would keep him well away from all your DC if I was you.
This year my DSC arrive on Christmas afternoon so we will open our presents in the morning without them, then after lunch the dc will all open their presents to each other and DSC open presents from us. They have some joint presents which we will save till the afternoon.
I just hope my DP gets into the spirit of things before his DC arrive this year, last time he had a mournful glum face all morning until prince and princess arrived and then he cheered right up, which gave me the hump grin

Eliza22 Fri 06-Dec-13 10:42:51

Good God! I'd keep myself to myself, if they were my in laws. Please, just have your Christmas as you wish! don't listen to it.

InternetRandom Fri 06-Dec-13 10:39:09

What's it got to do with the BIL anyway? I could understand it more if it was the grandparents, but don't see why he gets this het up about it. And yes, the boys should open their presents on Christmas morning.

needaholidaynow Fri 06-Dec-13 10:21:24

The BIL also said DSD should be spending Christmas with her "real brothers" (my DSs) and not "that little shit" (meaning DSD's mum's 10 month old baby)

He's got a back with children that man hmm Wishing them dead and calling the others little shits.

hoppingmad Fri 06-Dec-13 10:19:32

Ours didn't miss any excitement as we did the whole Christmas Eve, Christmas morning thing just on different days.
It probably felt natural for me to do this as my own childhood was similar. I also never wanted the older dc's to miss out because exp made no effort at Christmas - half full stocking and one gift each with no excitement (nothing left for Santa and the reindeers - stockings to be opened in their own rooms as they weren't allowed in each others or to wake ex up before 10 shock)

I do get this is different as op's dsd will actually already have had a good Christmas

I was merely suggesting it is possible to move the day entirely. I would have 1 Christmas with dm and a few days later have another one with df. Although I have no half siblings so that was never an issue.

I think my opinion is biased by how badly my dc's were treated once exp had a new family though and probably shouldn't have got involved with this thread tbh, apologies for that

needaholidaynow Fri 06-Dec-13 10:16:03

I couldn't either Petal It's so special and you don't get many Christmasses where it's completely magical to them. I'll definitely be going against the in laws "wishes".

Petal02 Fri 06-Dec-13 10:07:28

But if the OP reschedules the whole day, she'll still have two tots who are denied the excitement of Christmas morning. Dreadfully unfair. I couldn't do that to two little boys sad

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