Big Life choice ahead! To move close to stepkids, my own family or elswehere?

(9 Posts)
gimmeeshelter Mon 02-Dec-13 13:41:48

First time on Mumsnet so don't get the codewords but am really looking for some advice please.

My husband and I are facing a huge life choice at the moment - we know that we are not going to stay where we live now for long and so seem to have three options. My own kids are tiny so are portable for the time being. I'm sure that the answer can only be found by mu husband and I weighing up the options but some advice from people who have either been in a similar position or are blessed with worldly wisdom would be great please.

Here goes:

Choice 1: Move close to his kids (my step kids). The only thing is they live miles away from my own family (opposite end of GB) and there isn't much employment where they are. Husband's son is going through a rough patch (tweenager) and I know that they would love to have us there.

Choice 2: Move closer to my own family. Where we are currently living we have no family and our nomadic nature means that you have to wait a while before meeting people you trust to babysit etc. Consequently being closer to my parents etc would actually allow us to spend time together. Husband's stepkids are really close to my parents/family so could come for their holidays and have the advantage of being round us all. The area I'm from is lovely and a great place to grow up but again, not much employment.

Choice 3: Move abroad. Whilst we would be away from stepkids and my family, as nomads we would love to spend a couple of years abroad - both of us (probably wrongly) seem to think that by moving back to the areas where we're from would tie us in to one area and, frankly, petrifies us both. We're screwed tax wise at the moment - if husband gets a promotion most will be taken with tax/ CSA and if I get a job most will be given to a childminder! Some countries abroad are so much more family friendly and so would benefit from better tax rates (although would spend most of it on flights home to see stepkids).

Ohhhhh what to do. Of course a girl loves choice but this is crazy.

sensible, worldy advice would be treasured!

notapizzaeater Mon 02-Dec-13 13:46:57

Personally I'd look at the option of moving closer to his kids. They will be old enough to babysit soon so you could go out. All the children would have a closer relationship.

Are their any jobs for dh where they are ?

gimmeeshelter Mon 02-Dec-13 13:53:58

Not thought of that one so thanks! Best chance of work though would be an hour away for us so not great.

purpleroses Mon 02-Dec-13 15:08:15

I think moving abroad would make it very difficult for your DP to be much of a father to his DCs. Moving to where you're from wouldn't be so bad, but he'd have to just be a holiday dad without much to do with their day to day care. Might be worth it if he could find a job to pay well though. Otherwise I'd go for living near to them. I think dependent children are more important family to be near to than parents personally, though as you say, it's a decision that you and your DP will have to make for yourselves.

We live near to my DSC's mum. They come to us every weekend. I can't imagine my DP having the sort of relationship he does with them if they weren't nearby. Same with my own DC really - they go to their dad's 1-2 nights a week and he lives a mile away. I'd be quite upset for them if he moved hundreds of miles away and couldn't see how he could be involved in their lives.

wantsleepnow Tue 03-Dec-13 09:23:06

I wouldn't want to move to a different country to my kids, even if I wasn't living with them. Tweenage is a difficult age too, I'd worry about the step-children feeling a bit abandoned or second-choice to your children.

I'd also be wary about being the other end of the country from the step-children. To keep a good relationship going at that distance takes enormous stamina to deal with all the travelling. Would the step-children's mother help with that? It's not such a big deal while your own children are young but once they start at school and have their own activities etc, everyone's time becomes that much more scarce.

SoupDragon Tue 03-Dec-13 09:25:34

Best chance of work though would be an hour away for us so not great.

What if you moved half an hour towards the work? Being close to the step children doesn't mean next door.

lunar1 Tue 03-Dec-13 09:31:07

Would you live at the other end of the country to your own children or live a flight away from them?

It's all very well saying you are nomadic, but your husband has children who are just as important as his second batch, he would be a very poor parent to move further away.

stepmooster Tue 03-Dec-13 09:50:54

We have a similar dilemna, although we are now 2.5 hrs away from DSS now he has moved. We don't know what to do. We really like it where we live, and have built up connections and we'd need to start all over again.

at the moment we can't afford to move, because if we do move we want to get 3 bedrooms.

I think if you move further away from the children you have to expect them to feel rejected. Even more so if you move abroad, personally speaking I could not live in a different country from my children, and I would always want to be able to get to them in an emergency.

BTW we commute 1 hour to work which most people do who work in London and live in the suburbs, it's not as bad as it sounds.

Monetbyhimself Tue 03-Dec-13 19:22:40

My Ex has now moved a further distance away from the children and it is really starting to damage his relationship with them even more (lots of existing issues) teenagers in particular need flexibility as they are growing up and leading their own lives and their father living so far away reduces that flexibility. I wouldn't for a second consider moving abroad. That would be totally selfish.

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