being expected to do all lifts

(21 Posts)
Fairy1303 Thu 21-Nov-13 20:52:38

DSD lives with us full time. Her mother pays nothing, contributes nothing.

I am constantly expected to do all the lifts. She doesn't live that far from us (40 minute walk). She is often rude to me - telling me I chose to have a 'Fucking baby' and she shouldn't have to pay maintenance even when we are so skint we are struggling with bills.

I have made it clear to DH that I am no longer doing lifts. I am not facilitating contact in any way anymore.

She has asked this week (third week in a row) if I can pick her up on sunday. There are no buses and she has no money.

DH agreed to this! Have just ripped him to shreds - we are ha ing some serious issues and this is a big part of it but because I'm so angry with him I don't know if I'm being unreasonable about this or not?! He says I'm unreasonable and need to grow up.

I am the only one with a car at the moment, hence why DH can't do it.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee Thu 21-Nov-13 21:07:31

If she wAnts to use grown up language she has to act lime a grown up .Let the xxxxx walk.

clam Thu 21-Nov-13 21:17:28

I think it would be the dsd walking, wakeup.

She's a charmer, isn't she? But you know that you cannot reason with unreasonable people.

How about asking mil to do it?

flowerpotgirl12 Thu 21-Nov-13 21:17:29

stick to your guns why should you do it all. I've made the mistake of doing all the driving biggest mistake I ever made as the unbelievable hassle of stopping has been a nightmare. at the end of the day you were being nice and doing a favour, it's unappreciated and your dp and his ex should sort it out without you.

TheMumsRush Fri 22-Nov-13 07:40:31

Your dsd is often rude to you and said you chose to have a f&@king baby or her mum? Sorry, just got confused. Either way, she can walk or mum can arrange another way. You've said no more and that should be the end of it thanks x

Fairy1303 Fri 22-Nov-13 08:18:55

No, her mum is often rude and said I chose to have a fucking baby. DSD is 8.

optimusic Fri 22-Nov-13 08:26:45

Mum needs to start budgeting better so she has money for bus fare to see her child. Just as you chose to have another child, she is choosing to be feckless with money. Your dp needs to accept your decision, and reminded that he shoud be sorting all this out, not you.
And with regards to maintenance, put in a claim with csa.

Stropzilla Fri 22-Nov-13 08:29:04

Wow. Don't do it. No one can agree to ANYTHING on your behalf. Don't let these people steam roller you. If you give in now both of them will continue to use you.

NotYoMomma Fri 22-Nov-13 08:46:38

can you go to csa?

Fairy1303 Fri 22-Nov-13 08:54:53

No, DH won't do it.
She gets housing Benefit and on low income and we would only get tiny amount so he thinks it's not worth the fight as she would kick off big time.

to me,budgeting to get your child home is basic - she smokes, the money spent on one packet would get her here.

catsmother Fri 22-Nov-13 10:59:52

Hold on .... why does she absolutely need to budget for transport in any case ? A 40 minute walk is what .... 2 miles ? My school run is a 50 minute round trip - twice a day as school is over a mile away. Sure, not ideal if raining or snowing but hardly impossible - and the walk to yours wouldn't be every day would it. Similarly, if SD is walking back to hers with her then most 8 year olds should be more than capable of doing that.

So .... please don't give in to doing this. It's not as if it's a one-off, it's not as if she lives miles away and wouldn't be able to get to you otherwise and heck, she's an appalling creature who's horrid to you. Why should you act as her personal chauffeur ?

And of course you're not being unreasonable and your DH is the one who fecking well needs to grow up and stop being so pathetic. How dare he "agree" anything on your behalf - let alone a favour for a lazy cow who treats you with contempt. I mean, what the hell is he thinking - why does he seemingly want to keep his ex "on side" by pandering to her when she's so irresponsible ? It's one thing trying to remain civil so SD has some chance of some sort of relationship with her mother but quite another to be walked all over - and it's even worse when he sets you up to be walked all over as well (more than you already are by having taken on the role as a parent for SD when her grossly irresponsible mother (IIRC ?? - apologies if confusing you with someone else) chose to remain with her abusive boyfriend rather than keep her own child with her).

Am so angry for you .... this sort of request should be an absolute non-starter and DH should have said no straight off - no discussion. She's got legs hasn't she ? And now, you've been cast into the role of "unreasonable" which is pretty unbelievable all things considered. Does he have no respect for you at all ?

clam Fri 22-Nov-13 17:56:56

How is she meant to be getting there in the first place. I presume you're not doing that trip as well?
If she can't get back, then she can't go. Simple.

RenterNomad Fri 22-Nov-13 18:32:07

When is your DH getting a car?

Fairy1303 Fri 22-Nov-13 18:41:00

DH's car is broken and we can't afford to get it fixed until I am back at work in March. He doesn't need it for work etc so it's normally ok.

She is picking her up Clam - I think she might have a new boyfriend who is picking them up as last week DSD was very evasive about who dropped her home.

DH has told her I am not here on Sunday. Personally I think he should be honest and say that I'm not available for lifts anymore, but at least he has told her.

She has said she will walk - she is unsure of how DSD will manage it especially if it rains but she will do it.

RenterNomad Fri 22-Nov-13 19:10:14

Oh, phew!

Sorry things are going so badly. I hope it settles down soon. smile

birdybear Wed 04-Dec-13 13:05:10

why are you picking the mum up if the child lives with you? what has the mum got to do with you? if the mum wants access to her child then isn't it her responsibility to come to where the child lives?

Fairy1303 Wed 04-Dec-13 13:19:49

We don't pick mum up, she wanted us to drop DSD off to hers.

curlew Wed 04-Dec-13 13:23:06

Why can't your Dp use your car?

MatryoshkaDoll Wed 04-Dec-13 13:26:35

I've followed some of your other threads OP and I think your DP is a complete drip, hiding behind you and letting you do all the shit work with the ex and the mad MIL.

He needs to find his balls and sort this out. By not going to the CSA he's actually denying his DD what's rightfully hers.

Stop giving lifts, stop engaging with the ex (and the mad MIL), push some of the responsibility back onto him. It's his after all.

In all your posts you always sound so stressed and like you're the only one out of all the adults in this situation who has a clue.

Petal02 Thu 05-Dec-13 09:33:04

OP - did this ever get resolved?

IThoughtThat Sat 07-Dec-13 01:38:21

I don't know if you have resolved this problem or not OP but a 40 minute walk would take a matter of minutes in the car! Is it really about the lifts or is it about being coerced into doing the lifts? IYSWIM

It wouldn't bother me doing the lifts but I would not want anything to do with the ex. It sounds as though there are other things going on.

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