Am I being an arse?

(20 Posts)
ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Sun 17-Nov-13 00:31:51

Stuck between not wanting to drip feed and writing a novel so bear with me please.
Been with dp seven yrs, he has two kids from a previous relationship, dss and dsd used to live with him and his sister, now are back with mum.
These seven years have not been easy as anyone who knows my former username will know, but I count us as pretty sorted now, except for the issue here and a couple of other niggles.
I have ds1, dd1 from previous relationships, and ds2 and dd2 who are with my partner. Dd is rarely here as she's an older teen, either at college or her boyfriends, she didn't come to live with me until she was 16 after being in foster care for 11 years. DS is also a teen, at college, and is so laid back he's almost horizontal.
My problem is that 'd'p hear after referred to as p because I'm so pissed off at the moment, seems to find it very easy to say things to DS, such snide comments as 'if you leave your bag/guitar/ shoes there again, I'll throw them outside.. To which I obviously state out of earshot of DS that if he does, I'll toss HIS stuff outside. DS is so bloody placid he just says 'no problem, I'll move them,' then a few days later they're back in the same place. Annoying but nothing life ending.
So to the step kids, I have basically supported them for the entire seven yrs, if they needed shoes ect, I'd usually buy them out of my own money, I've cared for them when p has gone for weekends away and holidays abroad ect. Before dss recently got diagnosed with ADHD if he gave his mum hassle, she would text me to go and collect him, (heavily pregnant) because she won't speak to p at all. Recently I had them both for four weeks during the summer holidays to give her a break, no extra money and p being jobless made that extremely hard but we managed. I used money I had been saving for clothes and a buggy for dd2 to buy their food, clothes and shoes as they turned up practically in rags with no undies and holes in their shoes. Dss spent the entire time winding up dsd and ds2, passive aggressive type of shit, ds2 was too young to be affected but dsd had a really hard time and ended up in tears a lot. P accused her of being a drama queen, so when she went back to her mums she decided never to visit again, and hasn't now for some time. Dss still comes and when he thinks no one is watching he is horrid to ds2 who is only four, so comes to me bawling and hooting sobbing and expects me to sort it out. P won't do it because he's afraid if he disciplines dss he will refuse to come again, too.
In the meantime I have had dd2 who has suffered really badly from acid reflux leading to 7 weeks of trotting up and down from the doctors until we finally got ranitidine (yay) so I was spending the whole time exhausted and irritable.
So, last weekend dss was trying to pull his usual bullshit with DS, this time I refused and clearly stated (he's 12) that no, he couldn't play unattended with DS, to save any arguments or upset. P looked at me like I was some sort of ogre.. I said they can play downstairs, but all of a sudden dss wasn't interested in playing with DS any more.. (Hmm) .. He was asked to have a shower, brush his teeth and clean his ears, I went to bed at this point, ... Came down the following morning to shampoo and body wash bottles left open and lying down on the windowsill, contents all over the place, the toothpaste was smeared round the sink, and there were 20 dirty cotton buds on top of the bin. Yes. 20. So I've said to p, you will have to have a word about this, and about dss leaving his bag and shoes at the bottom of the stairs. He refused. Argument ensued and escalated into yelling hmm

So, this weekend I have basically refused to be taken for a twat any more and said no to dss visiting until he and p buck up their ideas. There is so so much more but I'd be here all night, I promise I'm not being petty and silly over this just one incident.. Basically p has said he will stay in a hotel with dss next weekend to which I have said I'm not in the slightest bit bothered, and I'm not. The way I feel atm he can sod off and never come back as fair as I'm concerned.. Causing an argument rather than parenting his own child, pisses me off.. He obv expected me to do it and look the monster who always moans so he gets off the hook..
So my question is, am I wrong? Am I being an arse, or not? Cheers. And thanks if you've got this far, lol

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Sun 17-Nov-13 00:40:58

Forgot to add, I've been called a prick over this, and accused of wanting contact to stop, whereas if it wasn't for me arranging it and constantly placating the kids mum when he's done or said something and they've gone back and she's text to say they're never coming to visit again, plus the fact I encouraged contact to begin again after the fallout when they returned to their mum unexpectedly, there wouldn't even BE any sodding contact.
So am (I don't think unreasonably) cross..

NumTumRedRum Sun 17-Nov-13 00:42:41

I don't think you are. Being an arse that is. P stand for prat on this case. It's your home. The children are a joint responsibility no matter whose they are and rules need to be universal. And good for you on the no unsupervised play stand. He needs to listen to you and he needs to observe his children and understand the undercurrents better.

NumTumRedRum Sun 17-Nov-13 00:44:20

And as for saying you don't want contact that's a classic deflection and attempt to put you on the back foot.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Sun 17-Nov-13 00:49:03

Thanks num. his dd I have said to him is the way she is because dss is a bit of a sneak, the only way she can get her own back is to cause a scene and get him told off by an adult, he saw it as drama queen behaviour and 'grassing' - I can't do much about that but have discussed it and got the brush off from p, dsc's mum has taken it on board and understands, but I don't have to allow him (dss) to do the same to my son, hence the refusal to let them play together out of sight.

NumTumRedRum Sun 17-Nov-13 00:55:23

The only way to deal with the sneaky behaviour us for everyone to be communicating and enforcing the same rules. It's very telling that his mum agrees with you. Whilst he is refusing to parent dss can divide and conquer at will can't he. It sounds really like it's p who's the problem, as dsd is just being a teenager and needs boundaries which p is failing to set.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Sun 17-Nov-13 01:05:30

Thank god someone like you answered. Feeling guilty about the hotel thing although I didn't say never visit here again I said not here until p opens his eyes and parents his child. I can't keep doing it, I'm frazzled from lack of sleep atm and have four yo plus my teens to take care of, feeling like I'm just about managing as it is.
Doesn't help that his behaviour seems to worsen when they're here, which leads me to mentally equate them visiting with him being an absolute bell end.. Sad but true, I know that's unfair as he's the adult, they are 12 and 10 respectively. Dss can be an adorable charming caring boy when his dad isn't there which I find frustrating with the change when he's round his dad. Wondering if I'm doing the wrong thing exposing my kids to him now hmm

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Sun 17-Nov-13 01:07:29

Thank you for your replies I will have to think it over and see what happens, maybe broach the subject again tomorrow when things have calmed down.

Thanks once again x

NumTumRedRum Sun 17-Nov-13 10:04:34

Morning Things, sorry I fell asleep on you! Hope things are looking better this morning.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Sun 17-Nov-13 14:02:19

Lol thanks smile not spoken about it today but got breakfast in bed out of it so it's gone to creeping stage wink

Kaluki Mon 18-Nov-13 11:58:45

It sounds like you need to detach a bit and let Prat deal with his son.
You have enough to do with your own little ones and teens without all this.
Let him go to a hotel and let his ds feel the consequences of his behaviour.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Wed 20-Nov-13 11:49:20

Thanks ladies x well update : dads isn't coming after all because after all the strop throwing, p has decided a night out watching a friend of his boxing is preferable to contact with his son who I am stopping him seeing

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Wed 20-Nov-13 11:50:08

Of course that shouldn't say dads it should say dds sorry

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Wed 20-Nov-13 11:50:58

DSS for Pete's sake lol - damn I need a lie down grin

MrsMcEnroe Wed 20-Nov-13 12:06:43

Blimey - no you're not being an arse at all.

Kaluki Wed 20-Nov-13 12:25:41

Funny how he can miss seeing his ds for a night out isn't it.
You aren't an arse
He is.
And he is turning his son into one too.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Tue 26-Nov-13 17:02:27

Well we have just argued about this, again, he asked if he had to take dss to a hotel this weekend and I replied, yep, as nothing has changed I think that would be the best idea, cue him saying stuff like 'I can't afford a hotel, so that means I can't see dss until he's 16' inflammatory I know but my reply was 'well not here it won't be even when he IS 16'
Basically he'd obviously rather say he won't have contact and throw a strop about it than ask what it is that would improve the situation.
So I told him about starting to observe the kids, the way they act together, try and sort things out with dsd, make sure nothing (arguments or dss picking on the little ones) happens to cause upheaval here. I said I didn't mind looking after dss on Saturday mornings while p is at work, and I will even put up with this stupid ad hoc arrangement where dss basically texts to say he wants to come meaning last minute changes to plans made or a limbo where no plans can be made at all until I know what's going on, as long as he stops being a disney dad and puts his foot down/teaches/discusses things with dss from whether he leaves the bathroom a mess to his bullying of the younger dcs.
His reply to that was 'so you want what? Me to beat him for doing so and so'

Am I missing something here because I didn't ask him to hit dss in fact I wouldn't allow it in my house, my children don't get physically punished so neither would his, I just don't want to keep being the one who does all the nagging 'pick up the towel, wake up, go to bed, leave some milk for the rest of us, no you can't go on the xbox at the moment, we're just about to have tea, yes you can but make sure you put the chair back, don't leave bags shoes and coats in a heap at the bottom of the stairs ect. It makes me look a right bitch, esp with p rolling his eyes while I'm doing it.
His answer to this was 'it's ok when YOUR kids do it.'

I'm honestly at the end of my tether.
I refuse to have a child here that causes rows but feel bloody awful that it's not him that does it, by all accounts he's pleasant enough and doesn't be rude to me or anything, maybe the odd 'it wasn't me' or 'I HAVE!!' (Said in a grouchy way) when I've asked or reminded him of something, which is nothing compared to the behaviour some of the posters on here have to put up with.
If he was disrespectful he wouldn't be allowed to come here full stop.
So it's p that's the problem and his handling of the situation. Am seriously feeling pissed.

Kaluki Wed 27-Nov-13 11:38:34

He really can't take any responsibility can he?
He is deliberately misunderstanding what you are asking of him because he doesn't want to do it.
He needs to grow up sad

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Wed 27-Nov-13 17:01:48

Never thought of it like that tbh kaluki
I tried the approach 'well maybe for a while you should collect dss after work on Saturday so I'm not facilitating contact when you're not even here'
His reply was 'so only have dss for one night, oh great parenting THAT is isn't it'

Maybe this is karma for daring to think I knew 'what I was getting into'
Just can't see a way out of this. He's deliberately being obtuse and I don't know how we can move forward the way things are.

Loveineveryspoonful Thu 28-Nov-13 06:51:23

Don't let your dh grind you down.
It is really important that you insist upon your rules now more than ever, believe me I know what I'm talking about.
Dh and I have been to couple counseling for nearly a year and it's like talking to a drug addict! He's still not over being a Disney dad/ using dsd as emotional crutch during long breakdown of his marriage... On the surface he's being supportive of me and follows counselors advice (who totally backs me up, btw, as she more than dh is fully aware of my excessive input into making our blended family work, and dh basic selfishness).
Dh is tearing away at the fabric of our marriage by acting like an insolent pup, "I want it my way even if it hurts everybody"!!! Being smart he doesn't actually say this but will point the finger at my ds and claim he's worse (he isn't, but faces the consequences for bad behaviour which dsd won't have to as she only 'visits', her choice, btw, and her words).
I don't know if the situation will ever get better, dh has to grow up so much and I'm really losing a lot of respect for him...

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