ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
Wow, this board is enlightening - hellooo to step-parenthood!!!(14 Posts)
I feel so much better about life in general after reading some of these threads!!
I am a relative newcomer to step parenthood, the bf and I have been together for 7.5 blissful months.
Bit of background, I have 3, dd 15, ds 13 and ds 8. He has dd 12 and dd 9. Yeah. Lotsa kids.
Thought it does sound an awfully short time together, we are very settled and things are great - the kids all get on well.
However, recently, Im finding it increasingly hard. As we settle in to routine and life, his kids dont seem to settle into things quite as Id like them to!
We spend most of the time at my house as his is far too small to accommodate us all. So I say my house, my rules. But they are pandered to soooo much by their mum, they dont really listen.... they didnt so much as put their own rubbish in the bin when they first started coming round - would just hold it out for their dad to take!!! (and he did!!! I soon put a stop to that!)
The bf is a bit of a soft touch too and I find life quite chaotic when theyre around. My kids are really quiet and chilled and the girls are the opposite.
I gently suggest ways that we can have a more peaceful life but then when they are here every other weekend there is always a tantrum from his eldest - be it what we are eating, she doesnt want to stay over (I kid you not, she starts this at 10pm), shes bored etc. Baring in mind she is 12, I think this is unacceptable.
Add to this that his ex, their mum, thinks its ok to call him at 10 at night when she is having a tantrum with her - what does she expect him to do about it? I think unless there is a serious problem, ie injury or illness, she should NOT call.
This is just an introductory rant :D Ive been dealing with my feelings all on my own for a few months and I neeeeeed somewhere to get it off my chest now.
I hope you dont mind, I have just waffled while watching Eastenders so it could be all over the place
Hi and welcome! I too am a relative newbie. Found this board in August and everyone is lovely on here and make you think about stuff from all angles.
It's tough being a step-parent but it sounds like you're making a good headway!
And no, she shouldn't be ringing her mum at 10pm!! I agree 100% with you!
Oh gosh how busy a house you must have.
Aren't you a bit worried that you've all been thrown in together a bit soon? 7.5 months isn't really that long.
Hello and welcome to the stepparenting board!
I've just posted a reply on another thread in here, just basically saying don't let people put any pressure on you to step up or anything and to take it slowly.
People will most likely judge you from all angles, will have too high expectations of you and will be quick to blame you for everything. PILs are good at this, as are exes and even a few people on here!
Hi littlegreenlight - welcome aboard
Your situation is so similar to mine when I met DP (although we only have 4 kids) and the biggest mistake I made was to give up my freedom and move them in too soon. I wish I'd waited until all the problems were ironed out. Instead I was faced with a disney dad and 2 spoilt brats in my house EOW with no escape. Its been a long and hard road to get to the point we are at now where I love having them all and don't dread their arrival!! If I'd just taken it slower and kept my own space things would have run a lot more smoothly.
Your DP is the first one who needs to change. Disney dads don't work in a family and the stepkids bad behaviour will rub off on your kids, not the other way round unfortunately. I told DP that if he wanted to carry on disney parenting them he could do it on his own, luckily for us he wanted to change so we (eventually) got things sorted and his dc thrived having boundaries and rules to follow.
Other than that rant away on here to your hearts content (you will need a thick skin though) and drink lots of
hey there... I was in a similar boat too. I have DDs 5 7 8, she has DDS 11 and 15 and DS 5. That's a house full!
I was a soft touch, pandering, parenting in a way that gave them freedom, but the boundaries were loose.
My DP is a formidable and amazing woman. She helped me change some of my ways!
1st things 1st.... sounds like he needs to put boundaries in place with the ex!
Hello newbie! This board can be great for help and advice.....and sometimes just to rant about things you can't in RL.
Does your bf have all his contact with his kids at yours or are there some weekends when he will just have them at his and then meet up after?
Hello and welcome.
I'm new to this forum too. Only began posting this week. It has already been a great source and a frustration outlet!
As other have said, you really will need to grow a thick skin. After 2 yrs I'm still learning that, as everything you do is questioned and subjected to scrutiny. However, it's all worth it...
Welcome to you, Newbie! It sounds like it could be such a wonderful, combined family....all those girls and not a million miles apart in age (relatively speaking). It has the potential to be a disaster though, unless you're all on the same page with whats allowed/acceptable/do-able/expected.
Boundaries are required and quickly! Good luck to you, it'll be fun
Also, dawdyman ...it's so good to see a chap with positive comments to add. It can be done but dad's do feel such guilt over their kids and the kids can then take advantage/liberties which, were they a Bio family, they'd never get away with!
Eliza, the comment about guilt rings very true... for a long time I carried guilt for the girls after I politely asked my ex to leave.... trying to compensate for them not having the experience of growing up with their mum and dad together... its a common trait.
I have always been one for routines with them, but now I give them more structure and boundaries and they are thriving.
Been a busy weekend - thanks for all the replies.
We dont live together, I dont know if thats what someone thought - but no, and his girls live with their mum - he has them every other weekend and they stay one night of that at mine, usually the sat.
Everything kicked off on Friday. I blew, over him pandering to the eldest one... I just burst into tears and it all came out... he was mortified. Its such dodgy ground criticising someone elses parenting but we dealt with it really well.... Hopefully now things will improve on that front because genuinely it is the only thing we have ever had words about.
We talked about routine and structure and boundaries, I am quite strict with my lot - but it works, they are really really well behaved and no whats what...
There is no way we will live together until the issues with the kids are resolved as much as they possibly can!
Thanks anyway, Ive avoided message boards for a few years cos of the slagging off you can get - but I really do need somewhere I can chat with people that undertsand the situation!!!
Wow you could be me a few years ago.
It took me having a meltdown for DP to change and start parenting his kids properly. Unfortunately by then we were living together so it was a nightmare.
At least you have done it in the right order.
LITTLEGREEN!how long have the dcs been staying over atyours?
Don't mean to hijack, but it could be helpful to OP too... < trying to excuse myself here>
Can anyone recommend a book for melding step siblings? And or dealing with stepchildren? I've seen a recommendation before somewhere on MN but I can't find it tonight
feeling the need
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