help for ds with step mum

(23 Posts)
Labro Thu 14-Nov-13 16:17:12

Ds is 11.
He sees his dad regularly.
His dad remarried 6 years ago, whilst things weren't easy ds seemed to get on ok with step mum and step sisters.
Step sisters are now over 18 and not living at home anymore.
Ds keeps coming home saying step mum is continually criticising him, telling him that hes fat, that he makes the place look untidy and that he has no manners because he forgot to say hello to her.
I ignored most of it as put it down to just a personality thing.
This week, he came home crying because she had shouted in his face and then gone upstairs with his dad leaving him waiting downstairs, he then overheard her making personal remarks about him, that he was a freak and that his dad could expect to choose between ds and her.
His dad then came downstairs and made out that nothing had been said.
Ds keeps asking if I like him and if I would want him around later on!
I want to say something to her but have no idea what to say as no doubt it would get twisted around by them.
So, what would you do in this situation.

ILoveTomHardy Thu 14-Nov-13 16:21:13

I would speak to his dad about it. If he is not prepared to do anything about it or denies it's happening I would ask my DS if he wanted to stop contact, or arrange to see his dad without her there. If what he has said is accurate, and you have no reason to think it isn't, then this woman is emotionally abusing your DS. I would do whatever is necessary to stop her from being able to do this to him.

MiserableCowWhenUpTheDuff Thu 14-Nov-13 16:21:46

I would speak to dad and if he doesn't do anything about this, then I would stop him going to their house or
Spending time in her company....

You have a duty of care to your son as his mum and i would not put my boys in a situation where I know they are suffering emotional abuse!!

She sounds like a complete cow and dad needs to stand up to her and defend his boy.

Kaluki Fri 15-Nov-13 10:48:31

I would go round there and tear her face off shock
You should however speak to his dad and if this is true then tell him that he won't be seeing ds with her again and he will have to see him on his own.
No child should have to take that. sad

Kaluki Fri 15-Nov-13 10:50:01

My DS is 10 and a little on the chubby side and can be a little eccentric at times, it breaks my heart to think someone could say something so mean to a child like that. Horrible cow.

DiamondsAndDust Fri 15-Nov-13 10:56:10

How disgusting! If any man told me to choose between my children or him they'd soon know where the front door to leave is. I'd even give a helping hand in the packing.

What a vile, disgusting woman. I think your ex needs to go and find a backbone. I couldn't be with someone who spoke like that to any child let alone my own flesh and blood.

LittleOwlie Fri 15-Nov-13 16:23:02

I am so shocked and sad reading this situation. Your poor DS. No child should ever have to put up with this. And I breaks my heart that he is being made to feel so insecure by her actions.

I think you need to calmly discuss this with his dad. Making sure you hear both sides of what's going on. It could be that they are having issues as a couple. Not that that excuses anything. But his dad needs to do something to stop this happening and also needs to make sure your DS is given some reassurance by him.

I really hope you manage to resolve this situation soon.

TheMumsRush Fri 15-Nov-13 20:52:26

I hope your ex makes the right choice and she is packing her bags!!! You need to speak to your ex, I wouldn't even entertain the idea of talking to her.

Whereisegg Fri 15-Nov-13 21:41:05

As a sm, this makes me so so sad.

What an absolute bitch shock

Yy to spreading to his df, I really hope you can sort this op

Labro Sat 16-Nov-13 15:45:35

Thank you.

I have tried to speak to ex. He simply refuses to answer and says ds should be 'used to her by now' He even tried to say it was MY fault as her style of parenting is different to mine (not sure how he sees that as relevant!!)

All access is by contact order, so he knows there is basically nothing I can do.

From other conversation from my ds it sounds like there are problems. She has also fallen out with her father over something going on with her oldest dd.

To me it is sounding more and more like she is taking her feelings out on ds when his dad doesn't do as she says.

Wish they would both grow up and have their pathetic arguments the 5 days of the week that ds isn't there!

Whereisegg Sat 16-Nov-13 16:20:31

surely your ds has a say about contact at 11?

Whereisegg Sat 16-Nov-13 16:22:08

sorry, not to say that the responsibility should be his, but would a warning to ex about how ds doesn't want to come make him realise how serious this is?

Labro Sat 16-Nov-13 17:30:22

I'm not sure Whereisegg, I can't seem to find what age they are considered to have a say, having been to court 6 times in the past I know ex wouldn't hesitate to drag itback there.

I've already told ex how serious this is, he answered 'I wasn't aware that ds makes the decisions'
Ds has even told teachers that he feels sick knowing that she is going to be in the house and how he tries to avoid her.

Will keep trying, one way or another this is going to have to be resolved. Might suggest to ex that he takes ds to visit his mum as the sm and her don't get on, so sm doesn't go.

Whereisegg Sat 16-Nov-13 17:39:41

yes that sounds a good compromise (not that there should have to be one on ds's part!)
do you get on with ex mil?
could she help?

ElenorRigby Sat 16-Nov-13 17:40:46

The courts would take you son's opinion into proper consideration at 12-13.

cupcakeicing Sat 16-Nov-13 17:43:20

This is a horrible situation for you and your DS. My DS is 9 and a little on the chubby side too. I would be distraught if he was subjected to this revolting woman's company.
I don't really have any advice further to what has been said but I felt so strongly for you both I couldn't read and run.
I hope you resolve this soon.

ElenorRigby Sat 16-Nov-13 17:45:56

Sorry I forgot to say if your sons wellbeing is comprised by his SM's treatment and his dads inability to protect him you have to act.

BTW what is your sons father's relationship with your son like, is he protective etc

Labro Sat 16-Nov-13 17:59:16

Whereisegg - haven't spoken to exmil in over 9 years! (She hated me as well!)

Thanks Elenor, thats helpful, though I wouldn't be able to afford the sort of protracted court battle ex seems to thrive on.

Thanks cupcake, ds is in the normal size clothing for his age, I had to laugh that she had the audacity to say that as she is literally huge. Apparently it occured as she bought him 2 pairs of trousers and they didn't fit (not really surprising as they were age 10-11 and hes a tall nearly 12) so her conclusion was that ds was 'fat' rather than trousers being too small that they made a huge fuss about buying anyway.

Ds and I have had a long chat, reassured him and helped him work out a few strategies the way he would if he disliked a teacher, so will keep tabs on the situation and see how we go.

So sad because his dad stands to lose out if he doesn't wake up to what is happening as ds will simply choose not to go there.

ElenorRigby Sat 16-Nov-13 18:10:25

"I wouldn't be able to afford the sort of protracted court battle ex seems to thrive on."
Why has your DS's father fought for him in court but will not fight for him at home? That doesnt make sense.

Labro Sat 16-Nov-13 18:16:47

Elenor - ds enjoys seeing his dad but increasingly ds is saying that his dad has no common sense, (ds dad has always done things like say its fine to go through no entry signs etc) and as ds gets older he finds that more difficult. Theres many times ds has felt that his dad is like another child (this hasn't come from me, was what ds also told his teacher)
Ds also asks me more frequently why his dad is so stupid and doesn't act like his friends dads.
So difficult to try and sort out with someone who over the years encouraged sm to tell ds that she was his 'new mum' and other similar statements including trying to gain full custody when they married (we had divorced two years prior to their marriage due to his violence) as they were a 'proper family'.

Labro Sat 16-Nov-13 18:25:36

Elenor - he fought for him in court because he went around telling everybody that I had taken his son away, he has always viewed ds as a possession to be owned, stopping ds doing activities in 'his time' etc (sorry if this has ended updrip feeding!) and thinking a judge would give him what he wanted (the court cases only stopped when a judge told him to stop wasting their time after the case he bought against me on the grounds he had remarried and ds would therefore have a new family)

Whereisegg Sun 17-Nov-13 13:55:55

I'm guessing your ex wouldn't go for more midweek visits and less weekends?

ds is at an age where he could feasibly have plans with friends, and midweek means much less time in sm's company.

Does ds have an ipod so he could stick his earphones in and disengage?

lunar1 Sun 17-Nov-13 14:40:15

I think if I was you I would try and have an email talk with him about it all. Ideally you can repeat back what was said and if he again just repeats back that's just how she is then you will have proof of her disgusting behaviour and his response to it.

It should at least help if you end up back in court.

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