Feel really fed up and depressed.

(26 Posts)
RinseAndRepeat Mon 11-Nov-13 15:42:50

DP was away all last week. This weekend just gone he was back and we had lovely plans for a nice child free weekend with friends. I spent the whole time he was away looping forward to it.

When DP got back he found out that although DSD was technically at her mum's this weekend, her mum was working, so DSD would actually be at her grandmother's.

So DP told me he wanted to ask his ex if he could pick DSD up from her GM and bring her to ours for the weekend as he'd rather she was with us than 'dumped at her GM's'. I've had so many conversations with DP in the past about how I hate the regular schedule being fucked about (although it's usually his ex doing the messing around). He knows our weekends on our own together are important to me. He knows I hate being put on the spot. So I made 'I'm really not keen noises' but either he didn't pick up on them or didn't care and went ahead and rearranged the weekend anyway.

So DSD gets here and promptly starts with the D&V. So all weekend plans have to be cancelled.

I'm gutted and knackered because DSD was up and down last night, at least once an hour. I'm very pregnant and at work today and I keep bursting into tears in the loos.

I just feel like I was really railroaded into agreeing to have DSD this weekend and like DP doesn't give a shit how I feel. Never mind the fact that we hadn't seen each other for a week and had already got plans. Plans which were ruined.

I might not have the best perspective on this as I'm so tired and fucking pregnant.

I really want to tell DP how I feel but don't know how to approach it without starting a row.

lunar1 Mon 11-Nov-13 17:01:32

I know you are tired and were looking forward to your plans but she is his daughter. I can't imagine not seeing my children every day. If dh and I separated and I had to be apart from them I would grab every opportunity I could to be with them. I could never be with anyone who couldn't respect that.

daftgeranium Mon 11-Nov-13 19:05:09

Lunar I disagree with you completely. The OH should actually take his partner's feelings into account and he knew this time was set aside for them.

I think the OP needs a word with her partner and if it's a row, it's a row, he needs to know how she feels otherwise he will keep dismissing her feelings in favour of DSD. The fact she is pregnant means that she needs even more support at this time, and frankly I think he is being inconsiderate.

theredhen Mon 11-Nov-13 19:30:21

As a couple, you're entitled to time together. He should prioritise that sometimes and remember that dsd is not yours and as such you do need a break.

eslteacher Mon 11-Nov-13 20:40:44

I think it's such a tough one. It sounds like there is a fundamental disagreement between you regarding whether couple time without DSD should ever be prioritised over your DP seeing his DSD as much as possible.

It's just not comparable to a traditional family set up, because firstly the step element puts additional pressures and problems on spending time together as a blended family, and secondly because most couples have years of unburdened child free couple time before they have children together. Step parents never have that.

To be fair to your DP, he did ask you first in this situation. I think you should have outright said no if you felt this exasperated about what seems to be an ongoing problem. Makes you feel awful, but you are a person too. It would be different if it was an emergency and DSD had nowhere to go, or if you didn't already have plans or had just had loads of couple time.

I think compromise has to be the answer here, but you'll have to be prepared compromise more often than him.

TheMumsRush Mon 11-Nov-13 22:01:45

I feel for you and have walked in your shoes. But unfortunately, he hasn't seen her just as much as he hasn't seen you, and probably wouldn't have seen her for a while longer had he not grabbed this time. My dh works very hard, and although during the week we don't get quality time together, it's still time, time he doesn't get with his kids. It's tough being pregnant on top of it all but try to remember, you will have another weekend.

AnandaTimeIn Mon 11-Nov-13 22:32:42

She is already part of the family and you have one on the way....

This is how it's going to be - a blended family.

Yes, you are going to "come last", sorry....

MrsDavies Mon 11-Nov-13 22:33:50

I agree with the other posters that it is his daughter and it is to be expected that he wants to see her whenever he can. but like you said, you are pregnant and are going to be emotional about certain things.

I am assuming this is your first DC? when you have your baby you will understand how he wants to grab every opportunity with his DD. I am speaking from experience as I have a DSD and a 6 month old DS, and I have been and still am in your shoes sometimes.

its very hard as step parents as we don't have the love and bond the parent does with their child (obviously there are exceptions).

don't worry, I'm sure after a brew and a biscuit you will feel better about it all, and look forward to the next child free time you have before your own DC come along! grin

Petal02 Tue 12-Nov-13 08:06:53

its just not comparable to a traditional family set up

Very good point, and that's why I sympathise with the OP. she should NOT come last. More of a 'first amongst equals' would be more appropriate.

Beccawoo Tue 12-Nov-13 08:09:43

I've been there - my DC go to their dad every other weekend but my DP has his DS every Saturday day/night, so the only real time we get alone is the odd Friday night. It's very frustrating when his ex asks him to have DS on one of the Fridays as she has plans and will just dump him on her mother - of course he always says yes and puts his son first. Unfortunately that is just the way it is with kids, they will always come first.

Do you stick around with them all weekend when DSD is round? If it is my "weekend off" from the kids, I always take a bit of me time, go shopping or see friends on my own. In fact my friends now plan get togethers around my schedule so DP hardly ever sees them as he is with his son, but that is just the way it works.

Kaluki Tue 12-Nov-13 10:29:07

I totally understand your frustration. Why did he bother asking your opinion if he was going to have DSD anyway?
We have the opposite situation though, my ex has been away for a few weeks and has taken to putting his social life before his kids and so we haven't had a child free weekend for about a month. It can't be helped sometimes - that's the joys of having kids I guess.
But he should make more allowances for the fact you are pregnant and tired and give you a break. You didn't have to get up in the night with her did you?

RinseAndRepeat Tue 12-Nov-13 11:02:54

To be fair he did all the getting up with her in the night. But every time she came into our room it woke me up too. I'm a much lighter sleeper than him anyway and now that I'm the size of a house and need to sleep on a scaffold of strategically placed pillows, I got very little sleep and am shattered.

Becca I have actually started doing what you've suggested and making my own plans for weekends that she's here but she's not supposed to be. It's more because I refuse to have my free time dictated by his ex's schedule. So if he wants to give up our free weekend together to 'do her a favour' then I'm not going to be complicit in that.

I spoke to him about it last night. Told him I felt railroaded into agreeing, that I didn't feel like he ever thought or cared about what I wanted or needed (ie some quality time with him. And a break from constantly plugging the gaps in his ex's lousy parenting). I'm afraid I got quite upset because I was just so bloody tired.

I do get that he wanted to see DSD after a week away. But she does live with us over 50% of the time, so it's not like time with her is scarce.

Anyway, he listened and was sympathetic. Didn't argue with me or try to justify himself. I think he knew it had cocked up what was set to be a perfectly nice weekend and I think he does feel guilty about it. But whether or not I'm just getting lip service as regards to taking my feelings into account... Who knows? Probably.

Also, as an aside, but just to give you an insight into how the ex operates: DP agreed to pick up DSD early Saturday evening. First thing Saturday morning his ex texts saying he can have her earlier if he wants. Obviously DP says yes, so goes to fetch her. Lo and behold she's promptly ill.

Ex swears she was fine until she got to ours but that's just not credible. DP now thinks his ex suggested he got her earlier because DSD started getting ill and if she left it til Sat evening, she wouldn't have been able to hand her over because DSD would've been too poorly by then.

That's what we have to deal with.

BatPenguin Tue 12-Nov-13 11:14:58

Yes, you are going to "come last", sorry.... I disagree Ananda. If I felt that I wasn't 'equal' to my DH's DC's then I wouldn't have married him. My wants and needs should be of no less importance than theirs.

OP I can understand how disappointed you are when you had made plans. Hopefully you can rearrange?

RinseAndRepeat Tue 12-Nov-13 11:38:59

That's the thing batpenguin, I don't think we will be able to rearrange. Not before Christmas anyway. All our weekends between now and then are spoken for with one thing or another. I think we only have two more weekends without DSD before the baby arrives. And I've of those is going to be spent moving furniture in a van from one side of the country to the other.

That's one of the reasons why I was so disappointed. Opportunities like that are so rare for me and DP. And it hurts that he's just not as bothered as I am.

RinseAndRepeat Tue 12-Nov-13 11:39:57

*and one of those. Not 'I've of those'.

BatPenguin Tue 12-Nov-13 11:47:33

sad I'm sure your DP is bothered. He just didn't think it through unfortunately. Could you rearrange one of the weekends you are supposed to have SD and make plans for then? Since you had her this weekend when you weren't supposed to. I realise that might not be an option though.

Corygal Tue 12-Nov-13 11:51:16

I don't think it's OK for any member of a family to 'come last'. That's almost the definition of dysfunctional.

The trouble is, OP, that you're up a gum tree. The only person who can change things is DP.

catsmother Tue 12-Nov-13 11:59:14

Given you're so close to having the baby, and the fact that you can't rely upon the contact schedule - or should that be can't rely on DP, would it be possible for both you and him to take a couple of days off midweek and do something special together then ? You might even be able to go away really cheaply if you felt up to it what with it being midweek and November .... am thinking nice small hotel, country pub ?

ZombieMojaveWonderer Tue 12-Nov-13 12:01:30

I can see it from both sides but seeing as you are very pregnant and couple time is about to come to an end I think your husband was out of order to railroad you into having his daughter for the weekend.

dawdyman Tue 12-Nov-13 12:07:43

I think it's difficult. If my ex were away and my 3xDDS were going to their nan, but they could come to me instead, I would want them with me. They are my children and my responsibility, but I know their nan would be looking after them begrudgingly. Plus, my DP has 3x children who are with us full time, so we struggle to get time together on our own and my 3 wouldn't change that... but I miss them so much when they are not with us.

I can see both sides... this is your last few opportunities to have time together on your own... but they are his children and part of the package. I would be hurt if my DP did not want my girls around....

..tough situation, but I think you probably should have been honest from the start. We men are apparently not very good at picking up on hints. Sounds like you should probably talk it through....

theredhen Tue 12-Nov-13 12:13:52

In a "together" family this wouldn't happen. You would decide together to have time without kids and organise childcare etc and make it happen.

Both parents would merrily enjoy their time "off" and probably get lots of supportive comments. Kids would be missed by the parents but after all both parents would know that having time away helps recharge batteries and make for better parenting.

So why is it different in a step situation?

RinseAndRepeat Tue 12-Nov-13 12:57:18

I didn't say this to DP but I was wondering what would happen if, once the baby's here, I managed to get MIL to have our DD for the night so he and I could spend some time together and ex then said she didn't want couldn't have DSD?

Would he agree to have her? I know it's a bit of a convoluted 'what if', but stuff like that does worry me.

Loveineveryspoonful Tue 12-Nov-13 13:33:35

You have my total sympathy, OP.
I literally live these what ifs!
Dsc are 13 and 16 and should be relatively carefree at this stage, but I still feel traumatized from past dh abuse at constantly putting me at bottom of the proverbial pile and there is hardly any holiday time i can look forward to now without dreading changes to plans, having them "sooner than expected" etc.
May I just add that my ds has a stepmum I like and RESPECT, this means she gets asked first if she can have ds sooner/ later than usual etc.
If a time doesn't suit her I would never in my life get exh to manipulate her in any way. Its unthinkable. Not only would it ruin our friendship, I'd be afraid she'd feel justifiably resentful of ds.

Kaluki Tue 12-Nov-13 15:28:52

I won't be able to have a baby with DP but I bet if I went into labour on a contact weekend I'd be doing it alone

RinseAndRepeat Tue 12-Nov-13 16:40:18

Love and Kaluki your posts make me sad.

I'm also wondering what's going to happen if I go into labour while DSD is here.

I've told DP that as soon as things kick off I want the flat to myself so I can labour at home in peace for as long as possible. If I'm in labour for three days (please god no) that means no DSD for three days.

Just to he thought of her being there while I'm labouring makes me feel stressed.

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