Rant: any advice would be much appreciated

(10 Posts)
collsywolls74 Fri 08-Nov-13 13:17:34

Hi all ... am new to this site ... started reading a few posts on this topic and decided to join .... anyway I digress :-(

Looking for advice really and all opinions would be gratefully appreciated ...

I am in a 3 year relationship .. I have a 13 year old daughter from my marriage who sees her dad regualarly , it isnt fixed nights each week ... my ex is very good and usually has her mainly when I work .. just to add I work permanent nght shft .. this arrangement suits both myself and my ex and has worked for a number of years. My partner has 2 children also. They are 9 and 7 now and spend every saturday night once a fortnight with us. Just to add they are wonderful kids and I like to think I have built up quite a good relationship with them over the last 3 years.

My main issue really is my other half tbh :-(. He is rather passive and very single minded at times ... my daughter lives with us ... he rarely involves himself in disciplining her and the main upbringing is left to myself. I realise that is a very grey area where step parenting is concerned ... but i personally feel that as an adult figure in her life I would like him to be more involved. To add to the situation when his kids come over I enjoy being fully involved and spending time with them. They rarely other then the youngests (7 yr old girl) planned weekend activity have quality time with their dad. He tends to bring them in, put the tv or xbox on (the oldest 9 loves playing age appropriate xbox games) and my partner switches his computer on and this tends to be the scenario for the rest of the weekend. We live in what was originally my own 2 bedroom house and my partner moved in after a year of being together. I would like to emphasise at this point that I view what was originally my house as OUR home. Space is very tight .. sadly we do not have another bedroom that my partners kids can call their own and finances are too tight to consider upsizing :-(. The weekends my partners kids are over can be very stressful. They are great kids but they become very bored. Their dad very rarely plans activities with them. It becomes even more of a problem when I work night on the weekends they are over. I try to avoid doing that as getting sleep is very difficult as my partner doesnt take them out and being in a small house I get woken up frequently which I want to add I am not in any way blaming the little ones for.

Sadly the same scenario is happening again this weekend. I feel selfish asking my partner to take the children out and am being made to feel bad and unreasonable. To add to the mix we dont get much time together as a couple due to work patterns, access and contact arrangements and day to day busy lives. I am not asking him to not see his kids on the weekends I work .. but to simply work together as a team and support each other. I feel as well that the weekends that his kids are over I do nothing but cook, clean, watch cartoons, sit through endless xbox games and generally feel very unappreciated. I do love in all honesty sitting with the kids and spending quality time with them > i know I am not their mum and certainly never try to take over that role. I just feel my partner is very passive, a little lazy and at times single minded.

I apologize for the long winded post especially as it is is my first one !! All advice and opinions are very much appreciated ... and yes I know I already said that

Thank you all :-) !!!

YoureBeingASillyBilly Fri 08-Nov-13 13:29:46

Hes a shit parent for starters. Do you see yourself having children with him?

collsywolls74 Fri 08-Nov-13 13:37:43

Hi there ... thank you for replying.. in answer to that .. no ... My teenager is enough hard work without adding a baby to the mix :-(

YoureBeingASillyBilly Fri 08-Nov-13 16:57:33

well at least that's something. secondly- how can you respect someone who treats his DC with such little respect? does it worry you that if this is how he can treat the two people who should be most important in his life he will treat you and your DD even worse? personally I couldn't bring my child into a home/relationship where the standard of parenting was so low for his own children. it's not giving your DD a great role model for what a good father/partner is.

louby44 Fri 08-Nov-13 17:36:09

Can you not suggest that you do things together. When our kids were younger I was the one suggesting that we do stuff.

I used to love planning where we could go and we'd take them all swimming, to museums, out to big play places and take a picnic. Walks around country parks etc

Can you not force his hand a bit? Kids need to DO something, they need to run round and let off steam and it doesn't need to cost the earth either.

It's harder when the weather is rubbish but still do-able. 3 of our 4 kids are teenagers now and doing stuff with them is near impossible!

louby44 Fri 08-Nov-13 17:37:53

Also, I think some dads are just a bit rubbish at the parenting stuff, it's not that they're bad parents just that they don't always see the value in doing something fun and adventurous!

FrauMoose Fri 08-Nov-13 17:42:13

Does he feel he is being a good enough father to his children?

YoureBeingASillyBilly Fri 08-Nov-13 17:49:48

not some dads louby some people are a bit rubbish at the parenting stuff. please don't make excuses for this parent because he has a penis.

louby44 Fri 08-Nov-13 18:51:51

Yes I agree, some people are rubbish parents but in my own experience it was my ex husband that was rubbish - which was one of the contributing factors to our split and divorce.

Once he was 'on his own' with our 2 DS he had to be a parent and get on with it and now 7 years on he is a brilliant dad, sadly this transformation came too late.

Some men/people need a kick up the backside!

collsywolls74 Sat 09-Nov-13 14:27:17

Hi louby44, fraumouse and yourebeingasillybilly

Thank you all for replying. Just a quick reply from myself as starting work in a wee while but didnt want to appear rude for not responding.

Appreciate all the insights and opinions. Most of which I have considered tbh. Feel bad thinking negatively towards him. Know that it is not easy him only seeing DC once a fortnight and then to top it all a stroppy teenager in his home. I think as a couple and a blended family we do need to plan ahead alot more ... I do suggest activities for the younger ones and think one to one parent time is important as they only have 1 night a fortnight. Definately think a kick up the backside is needed as I know he is deep down a good dad as when we first met he did loads of things with the wee ones back then.

Sorry again my reply is a bit rushed. Thank you all again!!!!

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